tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81328947516615486162024-02-08T07:21:44.027-08:00Just life, and stuff...and things?The purpose of this blog is to be an outlet. Meeting my husband and marrying him was the high of my life. Then things slowly changed. The emotional abuse got out of hand and he was arrested; we are now separated and I am still shattered. I am sorting out my heart and my head, and this is where I do it...expect lots of randomness...I am the QUEEN of RANDOMNATION!BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-34583288865527187022010-05-26T16:12:00.000-07:002010-05-26T17:01:43.839-07:00The new EF.EdenFantasy's sure changed a lot in the last year. I went to check my commissions (hoping that I had enough to order a new set of Doc Johnson stimulator sleeves) and it took me almost 10 minutes to find the correct link. I had not expected such a huge change, but it happened anyways. I'm hoping to get back into reviewing soon, and I'm afraid I will need to relearn most of the site.<br /><br />Did I just say I plan on returning to reviewing? Yes I did :) I'm not sure when, but hopefully within a month. My home situation has changed some. I no longer have an outside job and my marriage is going surprisingly well still. Sure, there have been rough patches, but they have not been anything major or serious. I find myself spending more time doing yard work and putting more focus on teaching my young children getting them ready for kindergarten. My husband works long hours...and well...I'm getting bored. Not really aching to jump into a new job just yet, and I am so tired of doing yard work and "busy" work around the house. I doubt I will get so heavy into it as I did last time. I have some toys that I need to write updates for, and some products that I bought and never got around to reviewing. I will work on those first while I figure out how things are done now. I am a little scared about it really, so much has changed I'm not sure what I'll find when I start digging back into reviewing. I'm excited about it as well...very excited :)<br /><br />I did have enough in my commissions to buy something; I had more than I expected or hoped for. I expected to have about $40, but I had just over $100! I was able to get the set of stimulator sleeves like I wanted, plus two other toys I've wanted for a very long time. My original set of sleeves turned yellowish after awhile (approximately around 6-9 months) and I threw them away. Well, that was all fine and good during the times when I didn't have a sex partner or during the period of time gaining trust and rebuilding a sexual relationship with my husband again. Now however, I really miss those little sleeves. Sex is good without them, but while my husband is doing his thing I keep thinking "ohh, if only he were wearing that little sleeve with the nubs on it." For some reason we've been having sex more than twice a week now (his libido, not mine. I want sex at least once every day).<br /><br />For the longest time we weren't using toys at all, and we're just getting back into the practice of dragging out the toy chest. During these runs with the toys, I've noticed that I don't have a very good selection of dildos. I've got awesome dildos for me, but when it comes to pegging, we really only have one and the curve is a bit much for my husband to take sometimes. Browsing the dildo section I noticed that the dildo I've always wanted was out of stock in all three colors...who know the Tantus O2 Niagara was so darned popular? I was pretty disappointed, but wanted to place an order so settled on the vibrating Leo. I've had my eye on that dildo for awhile now, so will be awesome to try it out. The last toy I got is the Lelo Ella. I've wanted that dildo for so long. I love my glass dil, but it is too hard for my husband to use on me, so hoping this softer one will work better for partner play. Seems a little bit like it was meant to be that I had just enough commission to get those three items. If anyone clicked through my link or used my promo code (9v3) then I give you a huge and hearty THANK YOU!!! I haven't had such a good surprise since I got New Super Mario Bros Wii for $15 off Amazon!<br /><br />That's about all I have to say really. Besides being a little bored with my life things are going great for me. My husband got a better job, my eldest daughter is graduating from her special needs preschool and will attend regular kindergarten next year (no special accommodations at all, so proud of her), a major home renovation project (restoring the hardwood floors) is done and looks great, the weather is beautiful, I am happy, nothing more to want really.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-38047607490686994762009-09-04T11:30:00.000-07:002009-09-04T12:51:19.601-07:00Seriously missin' the internet.These trips to the library to use the internet are a huge "slap in the face" kind of reminder of just how broke I am. The bills are slowly catching up, but we are still not at the point of being able to afford internet. It gets sooooo depressing being broke like this. It has been so long since I've bought new clothes I don't even remember when it was. My husband, thankfully, has lost enough weight that he is able to fit into old jeans from 6 years ago. If he hadn't lost the weight, he would be going to work with worn out jeans. I haven't been so lucky with weight loss because of the amazing amount of stress I am under. I am just hovering and doing good to not gain anymore. I think the depression is trying to creep back into my life. Seems like I am so wrought with worry and stress that I can't think of anything else. Keeping positive is a constant effort on my part.<br /><br />My husband is being more of a husband than he ever was before we split. I don't know exactly why it took the extreme measure that it did in order for him to grow up, but I am thankful that it finally did happen. Instead of putting me down to feel better about himself, he is taking the steps to make himself better. Since he got his most recent job, he has never been late for work or missed a day. Being late for work was a daily thing for years, so it is odd that he has been so different with this job. I think it being so difficult for him to get into a job at all, has impressed upon him just how important it is that he not screw this one up.<br /><br />My husband has interviewed for a promotion and didn't get it, but was told that he would be put into a different department based off of his skills and interests. It sounds like a sure thing and he should be moved in a couple weeks. That will be a $2 raise and I am hoping this will mean I can cut back a few more hours at my work. I had to take one less day because I couldn't handle the work load anymore, so I am only working two days then get a day off, work two days then get my weekend. I really need the time to get things at home done, plus sleep. I have been trying to function on not enough sleep for too long. When I have to work nights and take care of the girls during the day, there isn't much time left for sleeping. When I can get down to working no more than 20 hours a week, I should feel a lot better.<br /><br />Besides the promise of a promotion, my husband has still been working on getting into a trade. He took the qualification test and the interview (which went really well). In a couple weeks we should get a letter stating where he is placed on the roster. I have been praying like crazy that he get into an apprenticeship soon. That would be double his current income, which would mean my income would be "extra" to start knocking down our debt and maybe buy a new pair of sneakers for myself (seriously, my current pair is falling apart and hurts my feet to wear them). I don't know if we would get the internet again as soon as we could afford it though. As much as I hate not having internet, I would really love the security of being debt-free. We've discussed it some, but haven't came to a final decision yet.<br /><br />I am counting down the weeks until tax season. I am so excited for tax return this year! Our furnace is from 1946 and thankfully still working, but it sucks energy and doesn't do a very good job of heating the house. The hot water heater is old too, but I don't know the exact year. The problem with it is that the moron that installed it put the hot and cold water hookups on backwards. So the cold water goes in on the top of the hot water, instead of the bottom of the tank. What this means is that after using about 4 minutes of hot water the cold water dumping in on top of it has cooled it off and you end up taking freezing cold showers. We could just fix the problem except that we are 95% positive doing so would cause the hookups to fall apart. This has been so annoying for the couple years we've lived here. Come tax season, we are going to use that tax return towards a Rinai system. We got an estimate a while back, and for tankless on-demand hot water and the furnace that goes with it we would be paying about $4,500. Normally a hot water heater is around $600 and a furnace is $5000+ (based on quotes we got a couple years ago when we were looking at prices for updating and fixing houses during our hunt for a home, prices could have gone up since then though). A Rinai hot water heater is about double what a regular tank water heater is, but the furnace that works with it is way cheaper than a traditional furnace. The air is heated by hot water, which also means it doesn't dry out the air. Getting this system is a little dream of mine, plus the savings in energy costs during the winter months would be awesome. With what's leftover of the tax return is still being debated where we will spend it. My husband wants to spend it on knocking out some of our smaller credit cards (ones under $500). I know that is the smart thing to do, but there is a big part of me that also feels we haven't been able to spend any money on us just for fun for many months. Depending on our income at the time, I would like to get a new tv. The 46" LED by Samsung would look pretty sweet in our living room :) Our current tv we've had for 8 years, and is a 27" RCA tube tv. It has been pretty well used, and isn't working so awesome anymore. It was a floor model that we bought on clearance at Kmart.<br /><br />I feel so boring. All I do is work and trudge through life. There are some fun moments, but really labor takes up most all of my life currently. We have stopped using toys for awhile. I don't know when we will start using them again, but it seemed like they just kinda slipped out of our sex. Seems like sex isn't planned out ahead of time anymore and it isn't all that fun and mind blowing either. Now we have went to one of those couples who only have sex right before bed. It is an odd development for us, but I've been enjoying it for the most part. I had kind of assumed the days of actually making love (as apposed to fucking) and falling asleep still holding each other were over, but here we are, falling asleep without even cleaning up most nights (that I am not working anyway). Sex had become something devoid of most all emotion before my husband was arrested, so I am still getting used to the emotion-filled, heart-present, love making of the current. The sweetness of my sex life is almost sickening.<br /><br />I think I've ate up all of my "me" time already. Time to go try to post this now.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-17643860433286949902009-07-18T14:08:00.000-07:002009-07-18T16:15:31.929-07:00Back in the same house.Time really flies by, doesn't it? Two freakin' months have gone by since I posted last...seems like it was just last week. My house is a lot different than it was then. I let him move back in. Maybe I am being stupid, but it doesn't really feel like it. It has been almost a month, and things are going scary good. I don't understand why it wasn't like this before. I am still watching him like a hawk, but there is a weird peace in the house that still feels foreign to me.<br /><br />Are there couples who disagree without fighting? Is it possible for two people to be married and not scream or swear at each other? We have not had a single fight since I've been having a dialog with him, but I honestly didn't expect it to stay that way when he moved in. We have had arguments, and disagreements, but not fights. When the discussion starts getting heated he says he needs to go for a walk and will be back in half an hour. He leaves and comes back in 30 minutes and we finish the discussion. We have had some big disagreements too, but they never escalated into raised voices or saying mean things.<br /><br />I am still getting used to there being someone else living with me again. It has been nice to have help though. I enjoying doing yard work, but there are times when I am just too tired to mow. He has been helping out more than he ever did. There are still some annoying things like not picking up his own laundry and putting it in the hamper, but that seems like a small gripe when he is helping with dishes and yard work. Finding time to work on our relationship has been the hardest thing we have been struggling with. Right now we are trying to work shifts so one of us is able to stay home with the kids. Right now we honestly can't afford day care, and my oldest daughter requires more attention then a day care could provide her with. My husband is currently pursuing a new career in a trade in his spare time, so that hopefully we will have more income. I do not want to not have a job, but if we had day care I would be paying in order to work instead of earning money. I haven't found the right balance yet, but this is getting quite tiring. We will need to do something else soon or I will run out of steam.<br /><br />I would say things are going well for me, at least there is positive progress being made. Sure, my life isn't perfect, but whose is? I am happy, my children are happy, it could be a lot worse. At lest we are no longer living in fear and abuse, and our family feels more complete.<br /><br />I noticed there is another comment from "Anonymous." Whoever you are, you obviously have a personal gripe against me, though I can't imagine what over. I could delete your comments, but I hardly see the flamboyant ignorance worth my effort. You have not posted a comment that was not laced with ignorance thus far. For example your latest comment. "<span style="font-style: italic;">sell your sex toys like your expensive shit like fyn bag and sasi and all the really nice ones. then you could afford diapers for your kids</span>." This shows that you did not even read the post to which you commented, since I stated my children are both potty trained and no longer require diapers. Another thing is that you obviously don't have a clue how expensive diapers are, nor do you understand that I would not be able to sell sex toys even if I wanted to. No one would BUY a sex toy from someone they were not fluid bonded with, unless they were completely lacking in sexual health knowledge. I would not morally or ethically be able to sell a sex toy to someone else, it just wouldn't be responsible. If I did find some sucker to buy my things and I somehow got over feeling evil for doing so, just how much do you think I would get? I doubt it would even be $25 for everything. That doesn't gas up my car, it doesn't buy diapers for two weeks for one child, it would do little to no good. Obviously you are jealous of my toys, since you started commenting when I purchased the SaSi. You previously commented that it was stupid of me to buy my SaSi, which is odd that you think you have the right to judge me considering you do not even know me. What I post is a small window into my life, you have no idea what I do during my days or how hard I work. You have too much free time on your hands if throwing your ignorance around like confetti is deemed worthwhile. If you don't like me, that's fine with me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when you write something mean to me, after all, why would I even consider your comments as anything besides spiteful garbage? Posting these comments that there is no reason for, under a veil of anonymity no less, is cowardly and a waste of time. Go read a book or do something worthwhile.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-6754544594282544532009-05-26T12:22:00.000-07:002009-05-26T14:45:26.844-07:00Nearly 5 months later...Well here I am, still hanging in there. I can't say as everything has gone like I thought it would, or even like I had hoped against hope it would, but I am doing better than I was when I left. I kept no contact with my husband until the whole thing with the trial came up in February. I don't quite know what happened as I am still dumb founded and in disbelief. This is all random and nothing is making sense I know...I am still in a state of confusion myself. My husband got off with a differed sentence of one year, so as long as he does not get arrested or cross the law in anyway he will not have the PFMA (Partner/Family Member Assault) on his record after the year is up. I can't say as I was too pleased as this seemed like a light slap on the wrist and nothing more.<br /><br />Weeks then a couple months went by and he started trying to contact me again. I did not know what to expect and I was trying to cut my ties with him, so was frightened by his continued interest in me. Some of his choices looked odd to me, and I was confused about his motives regarding those choices. He switched to a new church, went to Bible study weekly, got on a new medication for depression and for adult ADD, and went to the domestic abuse and anger management class before he was court ordered to do so, he also continued going to his counselor weekly. My first thought was that this was all a trick to suck me back into the abuse, so I largely dismissed his actions as a sort of con.<br /><br />A few more weeks went by and I began to grow curious about the whole deal, so I met with his counselor. Mind you she was not able to tell me much because of it being confidential, but she was able to tell me a little bit about her perception of him, and honestly I was quite shocked by what she had to say. I never expected her to tell me that he was trying to change his behavior and was doing better than she thought he would. She told me that she believed he had hit rock bottom and finally realized exactly how bad his life had become.<br /><br />I still had a lot of doubt about him and what he was doing, I seriously don't believe people can just do a 180 like that. My attempt to cut off all communication with him obviously had failed, and a dialog, though sparse, had begun. After some time went by I began going to his counseling sessions with him and agreed to attend his church with him once. I will admit that I have seen a change in his demeanor and attitude, towards me and others. I don't trust this change, and I take everything said or done with a grain of salt, but it is hard to ignore when someone suddenly starts putting your needs above their own and stops allowing their anger to control them. I wanted him to change for so long, but does it matter now or is it too late?<br /><br />So far this unexpected change has been consistent and in just a few weeks he will graduate from his anger management class. Recently he began working out of a book called the Love Dare (base off of the movie Fire Proof), which is a Christian based book for learning how to lead your heart and choose to love your spouse. This has spurred some oddities that make me feel uneasy, but overall I have seen quite a bit of change in him while working out of this book (treating me with honor and respect being the biggest change). It seems like he has been sacrificing things that he used to hold as more important than me (smoking, video games, and computer time especially) that I never expected out of him. I don't know that last time he has even mentioned a video game, let alone actually playing one. He hasn't smelled of smoke in weeks and I've noticed his teeth are whiter and he doesn't seem to weak and out of breath anymore (the coughing is gone as well). He received money from family for his birthday, and he spent it on the last thing I would have ever expected...diapers for his child.<br /><br />Is it all for looks and a big fat trick, or are these changed real? I am still not sure, but I find myself lowering my guard a tiny bit every week. We remain separated and I do not feel he has proven himself trust worthy given the short time frame in which we have even been talking. I will continue to take care of my children and myself, if he wishes to contribute fine, if not it that's also fine. I do not feel like I need him, and have a good deal of pride in that.<br /><br />I moved back into our house and am doing upkeep as best I can. I can't say that I am meeting the bills with perfection, but at least I am trying. I would return to reviewing products for Eden Fantasys, but honestly can't afford internet at this point. Writing this in advance and posting it at a public internet source is the best I can do, and opportunity for just that is difficult to find.<br /><br />My little family is doing quite well actually. My children have been thriving for one, and seem to be growing so fast. My youngest learned to potty train in just a couple days. The oldest girl struggled with this for so long, and after being dry during the day it took months before she could go all night. The youngest however, learned to stay dry in just a couple days and within a week was going dry all day and all night. I can't express how awesome it is to no longer have the expense of diapers.<br /><br />I am still under a huge deal of stress with the financial situation I am in, but the depression has all but melted away. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts and am generally in an optimistic and happy mood. Every now and then I do feel down and blue, but it is short lived and not nearly so severe as it used to be. I am enjoying the warmness of the season and the yard work that is involved. Things are slowly improving for me, and I thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.<br /><br />I will try to update sooner next time, just have been so busy. Later!BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-26046157007775849292009-01-11T07:28:00.001-08:002009-01-11T08:22:32.963-08:00Goodbye, for now.Well, this is it. This is the big day. My last two reviews are submitted to Eden Fantasys, and I am packing to leave my home. I don't know how long until I get a place of my own, but I imagine it will be a while. I am going to live with my parents, and it is due time that I do. I know I must get out of this city and away from my husband if I am ever going to succeed in leaving him.<br /><br />This is ripping my heart into shreds. I hate all the pain and cruelty, but yet the thought of losing him tears me apart inside. My head has been saying "run, dammit run, while you still can!" and my heart keeps telling me "remember the way he used to hold us? Remember the tears well up in those beautiful blue eyes as he said I was the only thing in this world he needed to be content? What if he could change someday? What if he changes and I miss out on it? What if the man I fell so deeply in love with is still in there somewhere?" I am finally having to tell my heart to shut the fuck up. I have allowed him to abuse me for so long because I was so desperate to gain his love and acceptance again. To be beaten wasn't too high of a price to pay to be held and caressed was it? But wait a second, why don't other women have to suffer in order to be loved? Why does this ever happen to any of us, that we put up with the pain for those few moments of intimacy and love, even though we know deep inside that he doesn't really mean it, that he will never really change.<br /><br />I wrote a letter to him. Not a letter to the abuser, but to the man I still love and wish he could be again. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and to clear the air. I don't hate him, and it was important to me to be able to tell him that. I need him to know that he does not have me in fear anymore. I will not let him control me in any manner for one more second of my life. I am free. I sobbed so hard as I wrote that 6 page letter to him. I doubt it will mean much to him, but it feels good to me to get it out and be able to let go.<br /><br />I will be grieving at my parent's house. I will cry a lot, and I will write in my journal alot. It will hurt, but I will get through it. I must grieve, and it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hurt, and it is okay to cry. Sometimes we must all cry.<br /><br />To everyone who has shown me kindness, I give out a sincere and heartfelt thank you. Those of you who have encouraged me may have just saved my life. I have been so deep in depression that I have considered taking my own life nearly every day for the past year. I have sat in the bath tub in the middle of the night while everyone else slept, holding a knife at my throat trying to get up the courage to finally get it over with. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't live knowing how worthless I was. How could my own husband not find any value in my life? The only person who has ever swore to love me forever, cast me aside like a piece of trash.<br /><br />I can not even describe how shocked I was to find the<a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-forum/lounge/bulma-knowledgable-and/"> forum post on Eden Fantasys</a>. At the core of who I am, I strongly believed I had little to no value as a human being. How could so many people say such nice things about me? Me of all people getting praise and being called an "asset?" I just sat there staring at my computer screen and cried. Do any of these people realise how much their words mean to me? I will never forget their kindness. It is because of the encouragement and love shown to me by these people that I am still alive and taking the steps to change my life and the lives of my two little girls.<br /><br />The nights that I just wanted to disappear, you all made me laugh. You gave me something better to think about, you gave me something to brighten my day and pull me from the dark hole I was sinking into; whether you knew it or not you saved my life. I will come back to you all when I can, when I am safe, when I am on my own two feet once more. Thank you all, thank you more than I could ever express.<br /><br />I am making final preparations to leave. Me, my girls, my cats, and what I can fit in the car. Everything else stays. I have never felt like this before. This is so painful, but yet it feels like a new beginning at the same time. I feel good that I am doing the right thing, but it still makes my heart ache. I will come back, I promise. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know that I will come back. I will come back better than ever, I promise you all.<br /><br />My heart and thoughts go out especially to those of you who are dealing with abuse in your own lives, no matter what stage you are in or if you are already out. I will be thinking of you all, and I will continue to draw strength from your strength as I hope you can do the same.<br /><br />Everything happens for a reason...I found the eden community hoping for a fun distraction, and I found my life. This is why we encourage and support one another, because you never know who is suffering in silince, who needs the compassion.<br /><br />Thank you.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-47419927397396312042009-01-11T01:15:00.000-08:002009-01-11T04:30:54.363-08:00ToiBocks ReviewI loved the high end look and promise of discretion when I first laid eyes on the original <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/toibocks#pcode-9V3">ToiBocks</a>. I can not tell you how excited I was to receive one from the good folks over at <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>.<br /><br />Being the holidays, my package arrived a little later than scheduled. When it did arrive though I tore into it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Inside of the discreet shipping box was the product box of my new ToiBocks. Curiously, the box lists it as coming in three different colors: Dark Cherry, Golden Honey, and Black Licorice, though only the Dark Cherry seems to be available at the moment.<br /><br />Inside of the box was a ridiculous amount of Styrofoam cradling my sexy new toy storage. Well, alright, you don't HAVE to use it for toys. This baby locks via magnetic lock, so it is handy for valuables as well as private items. Obviously when you open this up it becomes apparent that there is hidden storage under the top tray. The trick is that there is no visible lock, so even if people figure out there is a compartment in the bottom, they won't be getting into it.<br /><br />More about the nifty lock on this product. The key is a round flat disc, metal with TB logo on one side, soft red velvet on the other side. All it takes is a quick swipe over the magic spot and the lock is undone. The key can easily stick (magnetically of course) to the metal logo on the inside of the lid. If you ever lose your key, you may simply ask ToiBocks to send you a new one (great reason to register your new ToiBocks as soon as possible).<br /><br />I found the quality of this product to be just what I expected from the high price tag. Costing near $100, I expected it to be in excellent condition and flawlessly made; I was not disappointed at all. The finish on the wood in nicely done with no runs or streaks or thin spots. The shine is lovely, and the feel is silky smooth. The inside is covered in red velvet, and it looks just exquisite! I have no problem storing my diamond jewelry in the top tray of this, as it looks just as beautiful as my jewels. The hinges are smooth working, and the lock works perfectly every time for me as well. Little rubber feet are included that may be put on the bottom of the ToiBocks to protect whatever you set it upon, if you so wish. I did not put mine on, as I do not place it directly on other furniture but instead on a decorative runner.<br /><br />When it comes to storage space, this is 11" x 7" x 6.25" or 41.25 cubic inches. With the tray in place the bottom compartment is 2.5" deep. I could fit a couple more toys into it if I so wished, but currently I am storing inside of it these toys: <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/smart-balls/adult-toys-dvds-22724#pcode-9V3">Smart balls</a>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/dildos/perfect-curve-beautiful-flower-awesome-dildo#pcode-9V3">Clear ribbed G-spot wonder</a>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/bullet-egg-vibrators/passion-bullets-dual#pcode-9V3">Passion bullets dual</a>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/dildos/lil-glass-dil#pcode-9V3">G-Spot Gemstone</a>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/vibrators/power-penis#pcode-9V3">Power penis vibrator</a>, and the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/male-sextoys/cock-vibromasseur#pcode-9V3">Vibrating C-Ring</a>. Like I said though, there is room for a couple more toys. I imagine I could fit a couple medium to smallish dildos and a bullet or two. If you are not worried about people finding your stuff (which is kinda the purpose behind this) you could also keep a few toys in the top tray or else not even use the tray at all. Condoms fit perfectly in the two smaller compartments, and the larger area is perfect for cock rings or nipple jewelry.<br /><br />Be aware that while this thing does hold enough toys to be functional, it serves best as a handy spot for favorites. I have roughly around 80 toys (no, I am not going to go count them all) so my collection is on the large side. I keep my smaller favorites in this, as it will hold neither my <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/vibrators/hitachi-is-like-a-tank#pcode-9V3">Hitachi</a> or my <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/dildo-harnesses/he-ll-fill-you-up-nicely#pcode-9V3">Lone Star</a> (damned big balls that it has barely won't fit).<br /><br />Over all, I think this is a great product and I am excited to see the rest of the line of products from ToiBocks. This is an excellent product for people with children, nosy guests, or room mates. The <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/toitissue#pcode-9V3">ToiTissue</a> is also for sale at <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>, and I have the overwhelming sense that I must own it as well :P<br /><br /><div style="width:395px;"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border:1px solid #633;background:#300;width:100%;"><tr><td style="padding:10px 8px 0px 8px;"><div style="width:377px; height:1px; font-size:1px; float:none;display:block;padding:0; margin:0; line-height:0px;"></div> <div style="; float:none;display:block; padding:0; margin:0;"><div style="float:left; padding:2px 0 0 0; margin:0;"><a style="border:none; text-decoration:none; float:none;padding:0;margin:0;" href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/toibocks#pcode-9V3"><img alt="product picture" style="width:100px; height:100px;float:none;padding:0;margin:0;border:1px solid #633;" src="http://edenfantasys.com/100x100/Sex_Toys_TB001DC.jpg" /></a></div><div style="margin:0 0 0 113px; float:none;display:block; padding:0;"><div style="overflow:hidden; float:none;display:block;padding:0;margin:0;width:260px;height:auto;border:0;"><span style="padding:0;margin:0;font-size:13px; font-family:arial; color:#ccc; font-weight:bold; margin-top:3px; float:right; line-height:16px; letter-spacing:normal; text-decoration:none; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">$99.99</span><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/toibocks#pcode-9V3" style="float:left;padding:0;margin:0;font-size:17px; font-family:arial; color:#690; line-height:20px; letter-spacing:normal;font-weight:normal; text-decoration:none; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">The original toibocks</a></div><div style="float:none;display:block;padding:0;margin:0;font-size:12px; font-family:arial; color:#ccc; line-height:15px;letter-spacing:normal;font-weight:normal; text-decoration:none; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">Storage container by ToiBocks</div><div style="float:none;display:block;padding:0;margin:0;font-size:12px; font-family:arial; color:#ccc; margin-top:12px; line-height:15px; letter-spacing:normal;font-weight:normal; text-decoration:none; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">Material: Wood</div><div style="float:none;display:block;padding:0;margin:0;font-size:12px; font-family:arial; color:#ccc; background:url(http://edenfantasys.com/Images/Contributors/outside_review/safety/safety_burg_1.gif) no-repeat 40px -136px; padding-top:4px; line-height:15px; letter-spacing:normal;font-weight:normal; text-decoration:none; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">Safety:</div><div style="float:none;display:block;padding:0;margin:0;height:33px;width:260px; font-size:1px;"><div style="padding:0;margin:11px 0 0 0;float:left;width:80px; height:13px;background:url(http://edenfantasys.com/Images/Contributors/outside_review/levels/burg1_levels.gif) no-repeat -0px -16px; font-size:1px;"></div><div style="float:right;margin:10px 0 0 0;padding:0;"><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/toibocks#pcode-9V3" style="float:none;padding:0;margin:0;background:url(http://edenfantasys.com/Images/Contributors/outside_review/icons/icons_burg1.gif) no-repeat 0 0; font-size:12px; padding-left:26px; font-family:arial; color:#f0c; text-decoration:underline;line-height:15px; letter-spacing:normal;font-weight:normal; font-stretch:normal; font-variant:normal; font-style:normal;">Buy from EdenFantasys</a></div></div></div></div></td></tr></table></div>BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-85372474379788597452009-01-08T19:45:00.000-08:002009-01-08T20:51:08.061-08:00Shit Face Must Die...Please?Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Geez</span>, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> but my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">fricking</span> car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.<br /><br />I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">out loud</span> even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.<br /><br />Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">position</span> at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Geez</span>, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.<br /><br /><span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Argument</span> ensued, I hung up the phone, and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">proceeded</span> to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">hurdled</span> them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.<br /><br />Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.<br /><br />I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">empty</span> of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Xbox</span> 360, had been into MY <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">dvds</span> and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">cds</span>, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.<br /><br />I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">fleshlight</span> (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">eww</span>). I checked the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">pc</span> banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">accidentally</span> run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...<br /><br />I am only full of rage still. I called him and again <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">demanded</span> he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.<br /><br />That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.<br /><br />I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.<br /><br />Leaving here will mean that I will loose <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">Internet</span> access and any means by which to test sex toys...so I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-32898719502862932302008-12-18T23:39:00.000-08:002008-12-19T02:15:28.480-08:00I should be in bed...sleeping.I seriously need to stop staying up so late. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer screen, and it is after 12:30 am. Why do I do this?! I am addicted to sex toys, I know that much. Most of my time online is spent drooling over countless toys that I can't afford. I could be in bed playing with myself, spraying my sheets with ejaculate...but no, I am sitting here.<br /><br />Besides drooling over toys, I frustrate myself playing a web browser game called Ikariam. It is not a hard game, not hard at all. What frustrates me about it is how freaking long it takes to do anything. I am currently working on building up my governor palaces in order to create a new colony. I have spent over a week shipping resources to a town, then some ass tries to pillage said town. All that time wasted. Granted I am no push over in this game, and my score is 3 times what his is. He mysteriously has his upgrades maxed out and has a butt load of really good troops and ships...thing about this that is so weird is that he only has two towns; a marble and a wine. I know that he needs sulfur to build troops and ships, and I know he needs tons and tons of crystal glass to upgrade those troops and ships. He doesn't have the gold to be buying this stuff and his score is low. How did he get so much stuff without building up his towns and expanding like everyone else has to do? Is he one of the people who use real life money to buy virtual crap? If so, "ha ha ha on you sucker!" Okay, that wasn't nice. Seriously though, I can't think of any other way he has so much stuff.<br /><br />What do I do about this small annoyance? Why, I build up my army and wipe his ass until he bleeds. MWA HA HA HA! I have forced people off of the server before; might as well do it again (why isn't there an evil grin smiley?). I upped my sulfur production to the max and am building troop and ships as fast as I can in all 5 of my towns (remember he only has 2 ;). Why is it so satisfying to crush people in virtual scenarios?<br /><br />Back to toys again. I created my <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/CustomerWishList.aspx?WishListID=56734">gift registry</a> for <a href="%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3%22%3EEdenFantasys%3C/a%3E"><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a></a> a couple days back. I have to admit, my registry is filled with awesome awesome toys. :D I am so Randy for the <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/dildos/strap-on-dildos/randy#pcode-9V3">Randy</a></span> by <a href="http://www.vixencreations.com/">Vixen</a>. I can't even express how badly I want to get my lusty little hands on that blue cock. So yummy looking. I love the colors of it, black and blue (there's a joke there somewhere, I can feel it ;) it is VixSkin!!! It has a suction cup base!!! and it is thick...think 2 1/4 inches thick...*drools uncontrollably* so delicious looking :) No surprise the thing is sold out...fuck, if I had the money I would have bought it as soon as it went live on the site.<br /><br />Of course I added the Liberator <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toys-for-couples/liberator-shapes/fascinator-posh-throe#pcode-9V3">Throe</a> to my gift registry as well. Now that squirting is a common thing during my masturbation sessions, I really really (REALLY) need some way to protect my sheets. I used to have normal messy sex. I am pretty well lubed naturally, and tend to drip a little when greatly aroused. In addition to my own juices, I enjoy some added lube also. Sometimes I like something <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/sliquid-sizzle#pcode-9V3">warming</a></span>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/liquid-silk#pcode-9V3">silky</a><a href="%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/liquid-silk#pcode-9V3%22%3ELiquid%20silk%3C/a%3E"></a>, <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/maximus#pcode-9V3">slick</a><a href="%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/maximus#pcode-9V3%22%3EMaximus%3C/a%3E"></a>, or <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/system-jo-h20-flavored-lubricant#pcode-9V3">tasty</a>. When my husband was involved he of course added his pre-cum and his squirt-cum into the mix. I used to think my sex was wet and messy. Ha! What a laugh. A towel folded in half used to take care of the mess back then; no longer is this the case. Now that I spray buckets of cum, towels just don't cut it anymore. Three towels folded in half do nothing but provide a bit of elevation so that I am better angled to spray cum over a wider area; thus defeating the whole purpose of having the towels there in the first place.<br /><br />My gift registry contains many wonderful things. Most of them are quite expensive, but I also have some cheaper items as well. The warming and cooling lubes/gels for one, and the Night light condoms, as well as some nipple clamps. So many fun and exciting things. I could go on for hours just talking about them...until my wrists cramp up on me that is.<br /><br />I've been talking to my husband more than I should lately (once is too much when it goes against a court order). I did a <a href="http://bustybulma.blogspot.com/2008/12/cock-skingone-for-good.html">post</a> recently about foreskin restoration. I had shared this info with my husband and he expressed interest in it. Last night I asked him if he had thought about trying it out, and he told me that he has been taping. Granted he isn't doing it every day, I was still pretty excited to learn that he is doing it at all. I hope he sticks with it and gains some foreskin even if he never reaches full coverage. I don't know why I am so excited over this when I don't even know if we will be getting a divorce or not.<br /><br />Speaking of my husband, I have been craving cock like mad lately. I usually get super horny around egg poppin' time, but I just kicked Aunt Flo to the curb and I'm already craving his cock! What is the deal? I'm usually sort of horny (that's a lie, I am almost always <span style="font-weight: bold;">extremely </span>horny) but usually a toy is satisfying enough. I have been lusting after the feel of his flesh even after 4 delicious orgasms. It is driving me insane. I've started having erotic fucking dreams about him again. I wake up feeling exhausted (and oddly enough, still insanely horny) after 7 hours of sex dreams. Good thing we are separated, or else he would be sore and raw by now. My hormones may be a little wack right now...I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-81324734705480454612008-12-11T23:50:00.000-08:002008-12-12T01:55:16.532-08:00Cock skin...gone for good?What exactly does all that extra cock skin do? Every guy in the world is circumcised, right? WRONG! And for good reason. The foreskin isn't there just to look sexy...in fact, it is there for several reasons; the main one being protection. The foreskin helps to protect the glans (otherwise known as the "head") from cold, and rubbing. The foreskin also serves purpose during sexual activities. The skin slipping over the glans is reportedly amazing feeling, not to mention the wrinkles feel lovely to the vagina as well.<br /><br />One thing I have to admit...I've never fucked a guy with a natural cock...never even been able to hold one in my hand, or gaze upon one that wasn't on my computer screen.<br /><br />I had thought my husband's penis was gorgeous looking...little did I know it was actually disfigured by his infant circumcision. Now aesthetic damage is pretty common in snipped penises...it just isn't acknowledged by the medical community...after all, it doesn't show up until adulthood is reached and the penis has grown substantially. Some of the most common problems are scarring, skin tags, bridges, varicose veins, dry and rough glans, tight circumcisions, and hairy penis.<br /><br />My husband is cursed with a huge varicose vein located on the top part of his shaft near the base, tight circumcision, a wrinkled lump of scar tissue in addition to the scar band around his shaft, a few hairs half way up his shaft (he plucks them, believe it or not), and a dry and very sore glans.<br /><br />I thought most of these things were normal, because lets face it, cut cocks have scars, and the skin is usually pretty tight, and aren't really large penile veins to be lusted after? How did I learn these aren't normal then? I was doing general research on circumcisions mostly for the fun of it. I was curious what main arguments are against circumcision (I had previously only been aware the foreskin makes sex feel better for the man) and I happened to stumble upon some information about <span style="font-weight: bold;">foreskin restoration</span>.<br /><br />How could it be possible to undo a circumcision? Well, its quite simple really; you "stretch" the skin. This is not difficult to do and is painless. You gently pull the skin of a flaccid penis forward until it covers the tip, then you tape it in place. As the penis relaxes it puts some strain on the skin, and as the skin is gently pulled the body naturally compensates and grows new skin. Just think about the stretching that takes place when ear plugs are used, or when you get pregnant (though that is much more extreme than this). Now don't be rushing out and buying cases of duct tape, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I won't list all the specifics of it, but instead provide a link to a place that provides more information at the end of this post.<br /><br />The process takes a long time, 1.5-3 years from what I've read. Men do notice a great difference just after a couple months however, and after sufficient time are able to fully regrow their foreskin to the point it looks nearly identical to a natural penis. Of course the severed nerves can't be regrown, but getting some of it back is better than not having any of the protective skin.<br /><br />I've wondered to myself, does fate have a little something to do with why I had two girls? Even just a year ago, if I would have had a boy, we would have gotten him circumcised...I would NEVER even consider having that done now...I know better.<br /><br />I've discussed this with my husband. I've spent several hours over the phone telling him everything I know about this subject. I know regrowing his foreskin would be very beneficial to him. Oral sex and hand jobs are painful for him if not done carefully. His glans is so rough and sore that I would have to be very careful to not let my lips pass over it too often. Manual stimulation was even worse because hands aren't as soft as lips are. He sounded very interested in restoring his foreskin, though worried I would think it was ugly. I used to think natural cocks looked weird, but now I see them as healthy and sexy. Cut cocks just make me think of mutilation. My husband seems whole-heatedly to believe he will change his ways and heal the abuse. Admittedly, I can see that he is trying, but I'm not getting my hopes up over this as I've read the statistics. No matter how all that crap works out, I would like to see him repair his penis.<br /><br />Now for the links I promised :)<br /><br /><a href="http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1009822/3810281">Video #1</a> shows video and pictures of restored penises, plus some good info.<br /><a href="http://video.yahoo.com/watch/1073162">Video #2 </a> shows a baby being circumcised, and was difficult for me to watch because of it, but I"m glad I did. Also includes some good arguments and info.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.norm.org/">www.norm.org</a> and <a href="http://www.infocirc.org/rest-e.htm">www.infocirc.com</a> both have some really great info and links to other sites.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.circumstitions.com/Restric/Botched1sb.html">Here </a>is a direct link to a site that has pictures of botched circumcisions...some of these pictures are disturbing and difficult to look at...you've been warned.<br /><br /><a href="http://net.indra.com/%7Eshredder/restore/pix.html#12">Here</a> is one man's photos during his restoration process.<br /><br />Isn't it wonderful that men are able to restore some of what was stolen away from them as infants? I think it is, and I wish every man knew he had this option.<br /><br />Any thoughts about the common complications of circumcision or the restoring of foreskin? I welcome any and all comments on the subject, so start typing!BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-19284657400469285032008-12-10T13:23:00.000-08:002008-12-14T22:47:13.501-08:00Random UpdatesWell, no particular direction with this post...is there ever? Nah, I think not. Most of the time I ramble, sometimes I try to stick to a certain topic, but it always end up being a bunch of random crap strewn throughout that topic. I know, I have a "gift" for rambling...ain't I lucky ;)<br /><br />First random update, 2 REVIEWS DONE!!! Yay!! My free assignment review for the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/vibrators/blue-bullets-of-bliss">Passion Bullets Dual</a> is up. I submitted it this morning and it went up before noon...very fast Edan, very fast. I also submitted my review for a Description Program toy last night. It is a traditional vibrator by Evolved. Though not up yet, I'll link to it's page anyways. The <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/rhapsody/adult-toys-dvds-25838">Rhapsody</a>. Hopefully it is up soon. Description toys take longer to post than free assignment toys in my experience. Random thought here...I am not getting as many toys from the program as I was. I think this may be due to having a couple toys late because of the whole mess in my personal life (yeah, the abuse and crap with my husband). At the very beginning I got a box of 5 toys. I was receiving two toys out at a time (kinda reminded me of Netflix actually, lol) with the new toys being sent out as soon as my reviews posted to the site. Now I am getting one toy at a time, and it is taking longer to be assigned a new one. I can't say as it bothers me, getting the toys less often that is. I have enough freaking toys as it is! I love getting new ones, but I honestly need some new storage solutions.<br /><br />Second random update, I'm on twitter now! Yay! Not much to say about it really. I just got my account set up today and got a few people to follow. I will go and ad more later, or at least I'm planning on it.<br /><br />Third random update, I've been knitting a lot lately. I am working on a stole in this hideous yellow color that is the exact color of breastfed newborn babies' poop...not joking at all. It was something my husband picked out for me to knit a shrug with, and um...I couldn't force myself to use it. I am almost done with the lacy stole (think wide long scarf) and perhaps I'll post a picture of it once it's done. I think it is easier to handle the yellow (oddly called "gold," never seen shit colored gold before...) in a stole than it would be in a shrug or sweater. I'm also working on a knit vest for my 2 year old nephew. It is turning out really well, though it is looking a bit wide-ish.<br /><br />This brings me to another random thought...why are baby and toddler clothes all made for children who are as wide as they are tall? Looking at children's sizes though, they are built for little twig children. Am I missing something here, or do children go from being little cute blobs to skinny stick like people when they turn 5-6? I have ALWAYS had to put tucks in my children's clothes, so do most women I know (except one, and her little guy happens to be one of the chunkiest kids I've ever seen). My eldest has one child's XS shirt, and it is MUCH skinnier than her 4T size shirts...seriously...WTF?<br /><br />Random update number 4, I've been on YouTube a lot lately. I know, I know...how lame is that. I have always been one to actually be on the verge of hatred when it came to youtube. The majority of people who comment on the videos are obviously a bunch of trolls and juvenile delinquents (or at least they like acting like it). The past few weeks I have found a couple channels that I actually do like and enjoy.<br /><br />I've enjoyed some of the videos by SMP Films, particularly the Mean Kitty ones. Sparta has his own channel here is a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/themeankitty">link</a>. I like kitties, and my orange kitty is a bitter just like Sparta. Some cute videos on there. Sparta chases video game characters on the TV, my kitty does that too. Funny thing is, he also chases people's hands on TV. He likes Barack Obama the best, I think it's because he makes lots of hand gestures when he talks. It is funny and cute to watch my crazy cat go bonkers over Obama's hands :)<br /><br />My favorite channel on youtube has to be the JeepersMedia channel. That guy owns waaaaaaay too many toys (NOT sex toys, but actual children's toys, although some are tarted towards teens and adults). Some of his reviews are hilarious...seriously, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did over the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCZeGAZFFi4">Batman </a>and the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igDllw68R7A&feature=channel">Tarzan</a> toys as well as the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a24lxHGg_j8&watch_response">spongebob thermometer</a> (I love the song he made up for it, too funny). Watch them, you won't regret it.<br /><br />Random update number 5, my husband is still bugging me. Why? Who knows honestly. He did get another job yesterday though, and today is his first day. Hopefully he can hang onto this one. Last job he only had for two weeks. The boss hired a friend so needed to fire someone, and he chose the new guy of course. I don't know, the whole deal is annoying at best. His hearing is on the 15th, with his actual trial date set for Feb 4th. I don't know what exactly I want to happen, but I have refused to go beg the prosecutor to go easy on him. So what if he gets a Misdemeanor? I think all people who commit PFMA's (Partner/Family Member Assault) should be Felons, hell, that's what it is for beating animals. Hurting animals is horrid, but why is it considered worse than beating people? Anyways, I am tired of living like this. Perhaps it will change someday...wonder if it'll be for better or for worse?<br /><br />Wow, is that really all the randomness I have? No, I suppose not. I do want to review my bottle of Fizz lube at some point today. I still have a few toys to review. I need to look into getting something for storage. I can barely zip my <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/for-your-nymphomation-adult-toy-chest">FYN Adult Toy Chest</a> (kinda pissed that I paid $95 for it and now it sells for $60 at Eden, what gives with the huge price drop anyways, and couldn't it have happened before I bought mine :( ), and I have three small boxes in my closet filled with toys, plus the Hitachi and four dildos (and 5+ bottles of lube) that sit on my nightstand. I really need to find something better.<br /><br />Enough randomness for now. Naruto is distracting me anyways. I really should stop telling people that I like that lame show...lolBustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-70976600339724742312008-12-08T22:32:00.000-08:002008-12-18T12:38:50.626-08:00My first timeI've heard of it, who hasn't? Browsing all those online "free" porn sites (all billions of them), I came across extreme examples. It was obvious it wasn't real, just as obvious as the 12 inch long cocks that have an obvious Penis-to-extension line. My curiosity was peaked however, and I asked myself "is it possible?" A few years later I happened upon the sex toy store <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>, and there was a forum post talking about it. Yes, I'm talking about female ejaculation.<br /><br />I must admit I felt a little angry when I found out it was possible for female anatomy to ejaculate, but I never had. I tried for quite awhile after learning about it, and honestly just frustrated myself so much I would get angry thinking about masturbating. It had become a goal for me. I had orgasmed from dry humping, nipple play (a couple times, though I can't do it whenever I want), from hand jobs, oral sex, intercourse (both vaginal stimulation and specific G-spot), and anal sex. So why had I never "squirted?" I am not the type of person who is comforted by statements such as "few women are able to ejaculate" in fact I see it as a challenge.<br /><br />I tried most desperately to squirt for a few months. I struggled with the relaxation part of it. I tried stimulating my G-spot by myself until both arms were stiff with pain, and I had my husband stimulate me until both his arms were stiff with pain. I went to great lengths to relax and stimulate myself into areas of pure bliss. Well, it didn't happen. I had a lot of really amazing orgasms and several hours of truly great sex, both partner and solo, but I never ejaculated. I finally just decided that I wasn't able to squirt. I threw in the towel and stopped the quest.<br /><br />Some time has passed, my life has changed. My husband lives at the local homeless shelter, is jobless, and ordered by the court to have no contact with me. That whole mess is complicated, and I've posted about it before so I won't go into any details. The point is that I am not having regular sex. We have cheated and bent the rules resulting in a small handful of sexual encounters, but my sex is nearly all solo. During this time away from him, I have been able to finally relax and enjoy myself. There is no pressure to please someone else, and there is no pressure for me to perform any specific way. I can do what I want, when I want, in a way that feels best for me.<br /><br />3:02am December 5th, it happened. I had went to bed around midnight. I had planned on just a really quick masturbation for a sexual release. I had received two new toys for review from Eden that day, so I set about the initial testing. I was quite pleased with both toys, and used the traditional vibe and the dual bullets in conjunction with each other for a very good orgasm. I'll admit, something didn't feel quite right. The orgasm had been very strong, but I was left with that nagging "not complete" enough feeling that I often get after sex. I grabbed my Lone Star dildo and spent the next 90 minutes enjoying the deep and relaxing sensual stimulation. I no longer cared about going over the edge, or even IF I orgasmed a second time...how could I worry about the peak of the mountain when the climb was so damn good?<br /><br />I had lost all concept of time, in fact I was no longer aware of how late at night it was. I finished a second time, and while it felt amazing, the nagging was still there. I cleaned the toys with my spray on toy cleaner, and lay back in bed. I shut my eyes and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. The nagging was simply too strong.<br /><br />My glass toy was within arms' reach, and I grabbed it. I plugged in my Hitachi Magic Wand, and flipped the switch onto "high." I winched a bit as I lowered the loud beast onto my sensitive bits, then I relaxed and let it take me into bliss. I felt like I was on the edge of orgasm, but it didn't come, and I didn't try to fight it or push it. I was incredibly wet still, and the smooth glass slid inside so effortlessly. I finally understood what it felt like to relax during sex, to truly relax and only feel...thought had no place in that moment.<br /><br />I moved the glass dildo only slightly, in very small short thrusts that were more akin to a wiggle than actual stroking. The familiar sensation of needing to urinate was there, it always is when I make my g-spot happy. The sensation became rather intense, then it changed. I wouldn't say it faded, but more that it turned into a different sensation. It seemed that for the first time in my sexual life, I was aware of my urethra tube. I felt a pressure build within my g-spot and then the release. My body wanted to fight it, but I didn't allow myself to deny it, instead I opened up through relaxation.<br /><br />There was no squirting that shot 6 feet across the room, in fact there was no squirting at all. I could feel the liquid running the entire length then come out. It was like a dam had been opened and all the hot fluid just flowed out. It was hot on my skin, and it seemed like it just kept coming and coming. Once it did finally stop, I could feel the muscle contractions surrounding my urethra and my g-spot area. It was strong, and it was deep. The nagging was gone, I was free.<br /><br />I was still in a little state of shock, wondering if it really had happened. I sat up in bed and looked between my legs. There was a gigantic puddle underneath me. The wet spot was nearly 2 feet long and a foot wide. I couldn't help myself, I had to smell it, I had to know if it was truly cum or if it was pee. There was only a very faint scent, but it didn't smell like much...perhaps a little sweet smelling. It was very slick and actually felt a lot like lubricant. I tasted a tiny bit off my finger and it tasted like weak sugar water.<br /><br />I was in a state of peace and ready for sleep. I folded a towel in half and lay it over the wet spot as I was too tired to change the sheets at 3:02 in the morning. I cleaned my two toys and put them away, then I crawled into bed. When I lay down, the cum soaked through the doubled over towel. A little annoyed, I took the soaked towel to the laundry room and put a new towel over the wet spot. I soaked the second towel thoroughly as well, and got a third towel to place over the wet spot during the night. I wish I had ejaculated into a measuring cup, just to see how much it actually was. I'm guessing it was a lot because it was my first time.<br /><br />I wondered if this would be a one time only experience, but I have squirted a second time. This last time it was a little different. For one thing it took me about 30 minutes to get there, and I wasn't really worrying over it or even trying to. This time it did actually squirt though. When my husband comes the semen squirts out with quite a bit of force, and it does it in conjunction with the muscles contractions. My ex before him tended to dribble more than shoot. I heard both are normal, and so I had decided perhaps I was a dribbler after the first time, and now I'm wondering if I'm a shooter...it did shoot about 1.5 feet before landing on the bed. The second time I had a towel under me to catch the cum, but it wasn't enough.<br /><br />I've decided perhaps a special sex blanket may be in order after all. I honestly thought the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toys-for-couples/liberator-shapes/fascinator-posh-throe">Liberator Throes</a> were pretty, but completely unnecessary. Now I've decided that they actually may be worth investing in. I really don't like changing the sheets every time I masturbate. I do doubt I will squirt every single time I masturbate, but the second time was very easy to reach what I had found impossible before. It seemed like I was able to relax and release it at will once I was aroused and close enough to orgasm. The more I do it, the more likely it is that it will become easier to do.<br /><br />There is some pride in saying "I am a gusher."<br /><br />The toy I used both times to achieve ejaculation is the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-reviews/dildos/perfect-curve-beautiful-flower-awesome-dildo">G-spot wonder</a>.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-73824893779062526312008-12-02T09:24:00.000-08:002008-12-02T10:03:49.041-08:00Toys at EdenThings I've been drooling over at <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">I really want this sexy duo in time for XMAS (even though I'll be going solo this year)<br /><br /><div><embed allowscriptaccess="always" src='http://www.edenfantasys.com/FP/fp.swf' flashvars='feed=http://www.edenfantasys.com/FP/Impression.aspx?listingid=25256&slideDirection=h&speed=1&spacingX=32&spacingY=4&frameColor=#000000&thumbFrameColor=#000000&title=on&mainFrameX=4&description=on&titleColor=#0099ff&mainFrameWidth=380&mainFrameHeight=190' bgColor='000000' align="middle" quality="high" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" width='380' height='190'></embed><br><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/CloneIt.aspx?lid=25256" target="_blank">clone it</a></div><br /><br />What I desire the most<br /><br /><div><embed allowscriptaccess="always" src='http://www.edenfantasys.com/FP/fp.swf' flashvars='feed=http://www.edenfantasys.com/FP/Impression.aspx?listingid=26242&slideDirection=h&speed=1&spacingX=32&spacingY=4&frameColor=#000000&thumbFrameColor=#000000&title=on&mainFrameX=4&description=on&titleColor=#0099ff&mainFrameWidth=380&mainFrameHeight=190' bgColor='000000' align="middle" quality="high" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" width='380' height='190'></embed><br><a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/CloneIt.aspx?lid=26242" target="_blank">clone it</a></div><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I really need to get my hands on the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/anal-toys/anal-probes/pure-wand#pcode-9V3">Pure wand</a>. I have been wanting this toy for so long, and after seeing my husband's <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toys-for-men/cock-rings/celtic#pcode-9V3">Celtic</a> I have been dying to get my own steel toy. Ah well, we can't always have everything we want.<br /><br />I went to request a buyout assignment, and got the message that I can't request an assignment while I still have one waiting to be reviewed. Not sure what the deal is there, but I was a little bummed out about it...obviously though, other people are able to get buyout assignments while they have a free assignment out...just not me. Bleh. I'll wait a day or two then try again in case it is just a weird glitch. What I have coming for free review (just shipped, YAY!) is the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/bullet-egg-vibrators/passion-bullets-dual#pcode-9V3">Passion bullets dual</a>. What I was wanting to get via buyout assignment is the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-toy-accessories/sex-toy-storage/lockable-sex-toy-case#pcode-9V3">Lockable sex toy case</a> in black. Oh well. I have enough commission to get it too.<br /><br />Speaking of commission, I posted my partner code 9v3 on a couple websites. I am not really expecting anything to come out of it, but I gotta say any little bit really helps. I don't have extra money to buy toys right now, so the only way for me to do so is when I get commission (IF I get commission that is).<br /><br />As a final update, I did two reviews late last night (think 1:00 am). I reviewed the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/sliquid-sizzle#pcode-9V3">Sliquid sizzle</a> like planned, but also wrote up a quick review of the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-lubricants/water-based/liquid-silk#pcode-9V3">Liquid silk</a> as well. I really like the Sliquid Sizzle, but I am totally in love with the Liquid Silk. I should review Sliquid Silk which is Sliquid's hybrid soon too, since it in nearly identical in feel to the Liquid Silk. I still have so many toys to review... Perhaps I'll get to another one tonight.<br /></div></div>BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-29936111796316948442008-12-01T21:09:00.000-08:002008-12-01T22:29:36.351-08:00The odd one out, and proud of it.I was a little absent during November. Sadly enough I was in a really dark slump. I do think that friggin pastor had something to do with it. My husband (weirdly enough) told him he was just making me feel worse...so the phone calls from the minister have ceased. I am ecstatic over it...or I would be if I got ecstatic anymore.<br /><br />So here I am posting twice in the same day. I am a little lonely (NOT, I am so lonely I feel like I am going to go crazy here...) and I've had some things on my mind lately.<br /><br />First off, I've noticed that my experiences in all things sexual are contradictory of what everyone else says is the norm. Am I abnormal then? Ha ha ha, me, a little weird? Never ;)<br /><br />How am I different? Well, something I hear and read about often is that a woman's sex drives fall through the floor while pregnant...mine went through the roof...both pregnancies. I dealt with being sick the entire time with the 6-7 months being the best. During all the time I spent pregnant, all I wanted was sex. My husband was having to hide from me I was making his cock raw with over use. I could never get enough sex during that time. After the baby came, surely I wouldn't feel like having sex then. Nope...sex was still on my mind constantly. Having had a cesarean I wasn't allowed to have sex for 2 months after the baby was born. During that time, I was so horny I was having wet dreams. It is rare for women to actually have wet dreams...dreams that are so erotic and sexual that they result in an orgasm. The postpartum period was the only time in my life I have experienced this, and frankly it sucked. The orgasms were very intense, and it hurt like hell in my post-surgery body.<br /><br />Anal sex...yes I am one of those women who love anal sex. I always heard how dirty it was, and how taboo and sinful. My boyfriend in high school convinced me to engage in anal sex with him (after telling me my cunt was too lose for him and if I loved him I'd allow him to ram my ass instead). This boyfriend was abusive to me emotionally verbally and sexually. I left him when he started kicking in doors and punching the wall next to my head... Anyways, anal sex with him was NOT enjoyable in the lest...not even a tiny bit. He was usually pretty good about slowing down if it hurt too badly (which it always did because he wasn't using lube and there was ZERO warm up time). However one time I asked him to stop and he refused. He held me down and raped me while I cried and begged him to stop. I can't even describe how badly it hurt, or how worthless I felt because of it. I was so ashamed I didn't even tell my therapist at the time. The first person and only person I told about it was my husband, that is until I started getting into reviewing sex toys and doing this whole blog thing (hasn't been very long actually).<br /><br />Anal sex took awhile. It always carried so much shame and guilt for me. I still had it stuck in my mind that my vagina was loose and I was always paranoid that my husband was lying when he told me I felt great. After I told him about the rape and the things my ex had told me, he understood why I had such a poor image of my genitals. He started complimenting me about it more (obviously this was before he turned abusive). I refused to even let him give me oral sex until we'd been together for about 6 months. When it did finally happen, I was surprised at how good it felt. My ex before him thought oral sex on a woman meant using the tongue like a penis...I'm not sure he even noticed my clit. I was quite shocked by how good my husband actually was at it, and the comments he would make during made me feel great. He would stop once in awhile to kiss my legs and tell me how great I smelled and tasted.<br /><br />After I confided in him about my abuse and rape, he began being more vocal during intercourse as well. He began telling me how amazing I felt, that I was very tight down there. I slowly began to believe that he really did love the feel of my body. From all the sex I actually got pretty strong in my PC muscles. It got to the point where I was able to actually push his cock out. I felt very affirmed when I would squeeze on him during sex and he would have to actually strain to thrust because I gripped him so tightly.<br /><br />As my confidence grew, and we became closer and more intimate with each other, I still had this nagging in the back of my mind. I had allowed my previous "lover" to penetrate me anally, but the man I loved so deeply had not been given that chance. I'll admit, he never even asked me about it. I brought it up. I asked him if he wanted to attempt it. His response was that he was completely satisfied with vaginal sex, but if I really wanted to, he would like to try it just once.<br /><br />I didn't really do any research into the subject, but I knew that lube and a condom was needed (common sense really). I also knew from being subjected to using the "magic bullet" that bearing down is helpful. A side note about suppositories...I find it hilarious that there is a <a href="http://www.target.com/7712-Magic-Bullet-Express/dp/B000AEZVRS">mini blender</a> that bears the slang name of a pill for your butt :D With that aside now... I will admit, that for only relying on my own common sense and horrible experience from my past, we went about it correctly.<br /><br />That first run didn't go like my previous experiences had. It was still fairly uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. I know now that the discomfort was because I was not used to having things go up my butt (let alone a full-fledged cock) and I was nervous and thus still a little tense. My husband did some complaining about the intense pressure on his cock, but otherwise seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't sure what to think honestly. I was so worried what his opinion would be that I didn't even try to enjoy it. I wasn't left sore though, so while it wasn't a complete success it wasn't a failure either. I will never forget what my husband said to me afterwards. "It was very tight, and I really liked it...but I would never chose it over your vagina." I felt very relieved, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about him demanding anal sex from me the way my ex had done.<br /><br />It was about a year and a half later when we did it again. I wasn't sure why, but I was beginning to see anal sex as incredibly erotic. While we were having intercourse there would always be a thrill if he brushed up against my anus. I wasn't sure why, but I began craving his dick in my ass. I never confessed this to him, but there were a couple times I positioned myself so that his dick (covered with a condom) would poke farther south than he was aiming for. It was a thrill and I would get incredibly turned on by it, though I know he was annoyed with having to put on a clean condom... I didn't want to tell him I wanted to try anal sex again. I was afraid he would think I was dirty for wanting such a thing since we had previously agreed it was something neither of us desired or would seek out.<br /><br />When I did finally ask him if we could try it one more time, he was a little reluctant, but he agreed. He was very good about warming me up. There was lots of oral sex and some fingering, we had intercourse for a little while until I started feeling that hunger in my ass. He slipped a condom on and we lubed up his penis and my ass. It was pretty tight going in, as I wasn't used to the penetration. The discomfort didn't last very long. Once he got in deeper and started doing very shallow and deep strokes, I felt something I hadn't expected. I felt a very intense sense of pleasure in my anus and up in my rectum where the head of his penis was stroking. It didn't take long until I was in the throws of a very intense orgasm. I wasn't using anything on my clit or in my vagina, not even my hands.<br /><br />My husband was very shocked as was apparent when he asked "are you really finishing?" I was just as surprised as he was. I never expected it to feel THAT good. My husband never liked anal sex as much as vaginal sex, but there was no denying that he loved giving me those super powerful orgasms. I have been hooked since that time, and have gotten so used to anal sex that my body opens up freely now. All I have to do for warm up on anal sex is put some lube there and my ass sucks the cock right in. Double penetration is a mind blowing experience for me, but that is a whole different post ;)<br /><br />So, I had always heard that women can not orgasm from anal sex. Men enjoy very powerful orgasms because of prostate stimulation. Where women are concerned however, there is nothing there to stimulate and the G-spot is not easily access through the rectum and vaginal walls. My most powerful orgasms come from anal sex however. I do not need my clit or vagina even touched. I do not feel it in my G-spot either. Different muscles contract with an anal orgasm, and it is deeper and more satisfying for me than clit orgasms or even G-spot orgasms.<br /><br />Another thing that is different with me, women don't like to swallow cum. Yes, I know, this probably is a little weird, but I can't imagine not swallowing. I don't usually use flavored lubes because I love the way my husbands penis tastes and I don't find the taste of his cum offensive in the least either. He almost never asked for oral sex, but I loved doing it for him. He didn't care much, but I could take him in until my lips pressed his pubic bone. It really hurt me when after the abuse got pretty bad that he would no longer allow me to give him oral sex.<br /><br />I've heard that the glans (head of the penis) is not as sensitive in circumcised men as it is on men who are not cut. I read tips on giving the perfect hand job, but received pretty bad results when I tried them out on my husband. Turns out his glans is extremely sensitive on his cut cock. Advice for great hand jobs almost always tell you to focus on the glans, but doing this actually hurt him. During blow jobs I had to be careful to not slide my lips over the head too often and during hand jobs it was best to avoid the head altogether. I thought maybe it was because the lube wasn't slick enough and he was receiving too much friction. Super slick lube did help to not tug the skin on his shaft as much, but it didn't help with the sensitivity on his glans. I had to disregard all advice I had gotten and learn how to please him with minimal contact to the head of his penis...trust me, this is trickier than it sounds.<br /><br />Okay, this post turned out longer than I was planning. That tends to happen often I'm afraid...oh well :)<br /><br />Perhaps I'll churn out a review before bed...I think it's about time I review one of the products I bought a few months ago. Sliquid Sizzle perhaps? Yes, I think I just might...BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-64288746035995261122008-12-01T15:50:00.000-08:002008-12-01T17:35:37.706-08:00Christmas gloomI've been thinking about Christmas...how could I not with black Friday coming and going by in a flurry? I did not go shopping until after 4:00 pm Friday, and that was only because my in-laws insisted on getting presents for my girls. I would have just stayed home and avoided all the craziness if I could have.<br /><br />I used to love Christmas time as a child. It was a time of joy and laughter, family and friends, and presents and sweets. Now I dread the holiday. I think of all the stress of finding a gift for each family member and close friend and hoping they like it. There is the expense too, and that is what is killing me this year.<br /><br />Year before last I made a knit poncho for several of my female family members. A blue one for my mother, a gray one for my sister, and a burgundy one for my niece. Now the yarn I used was not cheap, and each poncho put me out around $45 in yarn alone. I spent about a week working on each one (I put in at least 5 hours every day during nap times, after bedtime, and when ever the TV was on). The ponchos turned out beautifully, and I had plans on buying yarn to make one for myself but it never happened. I had some left over yarn from making these three ponchos that just sat in with all my other scrap yarns. I decided to get it out and make a poncho for myself out of these left over bits. My niece came over to visit while I was working on it, and she commented what nice yarn it was. Then the words came out of her mouth..."you should make a poncho like this for me." I actually bit my lip to keep from screaming at her. I was way beyond irritated and standing on the fence of rage. I had spent quite a few hours of my time and more money than I usually spend on extended family, to make that burgundy poncho for her...guess she didn't like it though...since she forgot about it completely.<br /><br />So besides the stress of trying to find the perfect gift, I always have that scenario of her forgetting what I gave her even after seeing something nearly identical. It is just one more thing to nag at me during the December holidays.<br /><br />Best present I ever gave was to my husband. I have given nicer gifts, but I was able to give him something he wanted without him figuring it out until he opened it. I had bought Gears of War for him and wrapped it up inside of a shirt I also bought for him. I left the shirt out where I knew he would bump into it, then after he saw it I took it and hid it. When he asked if I bought him a shirt for Christmas, I said yes (I had after all...even if I didn't tell him it wasn't his real gift). He was visibly disappointed from learning I had got him a shirt. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when he unfolded the shirt and the game fell out. The hardest part was trying to come up with reasons why we shouldn't buy the game before Christmas. He was constantly showing me articles in magazines and new screen shots online. Ha ha, it was worth it though. Every other time I didn't even try to hide what I had gotten for him, so he was really caught off guard.<br /><br />I must admit, the thought of Christmas this year is much more depressing than it has been in years past. I still hate the stress of shopping in large crowds (I swear every person in the state goes to the same damn stores I do when I do) and there is absolutely no money for gifts this year either. Those aren't the things that are bugging me though. This year will be different because my husband and the father of my children won't be here. Our family is fractured, and it is glaringly obvious during holidays.<br /><br />I'm not sure I'll even drag out our tree and put up. I know the girls would like it, but I really don't want this stupid 7 foot looming tree of gloom in my living room. I know it would only remind me of how bad things are for us right now.<br /><br />I hate watching TV because of all the couples that are shown. I hate being in public and seeing two people hold each other. I lay in bed at night and fume with anger. He stole so many things from me, and I hate him for it. I was happy and my life was everything that I had ever wanted. Sure, we were broke most of the time, but that never mattered to me. I had a man I loved and who loved me, and we were starting a family together. Our daughter was born 2 weeks before Christmas, and even though I still hurt incredibly bad from the cesarean, it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. Why did he take that away from me? Why was our love cast aside like trash? The most important things in my life was my marriage and my family...he has torn those away from me. Through abuse, he severed my family and ripped my marriage into shreds. He never had the right to destroy my dreams and my happiness.<br /><br />So what I'm thinking about this year are all the things I don't have. No more evenings sitting on the couch sipping hot cocoa and talking, no cuddling together in the cold of Montana winters, no lazy winter days as lovers. All of that is gone. Now I sit on the couch alone, wrapped in my afghan being reminded of all the times it held both of us. I wake up at night cold and shivering, and there is no warm body there to help me stay warm, instead I have to get another blanket or just shiver.<br /><br />When I am sitting, wrapped in my afghan, I am mad. I cry hot tears of burning anger. I am so angry at him...he stole what I cherished most in this world. How can I ever forgive him? I don't think there is a worse offense he could have committed against me. Burn my house down, take all my money, break my legs, kill me...but don't ever take away my love and safety. Nothing could have hurt me more than having my husband ripped out of my arms. It still hurts when I realize all over again that I lost my husband. The kind and gentle man who loved me and intertwined his heart with mine is gone...he is gone and all that is left is a monster who is hateful and mean, but looks exactly like him. I am still deeply in love with my husband...but I hate the man who looks like him with every fiber of my being.<br /><br />I think of it as if this man murdered the man I married. They are nothing alike. It is too painful to think that the hand that threatened to beat me to death is the same hand that used to caress my face so tenderly. The eyes that used to well with tears while he expressed his love for me couldn't possibly be the same eyes that filled with hatred and rage towards me. It just don't seem possible that the kindest most loving man I've ever met could be the same man who towered over me with a hammer in his hand telling me I deserved to die. I just can't accept it is the same man. My husband is dead, and I don't know who this asshole is who is pretending to be him...but I hate him.<br /><br />I am doing everything in my power to ignore Christmas. I keep my curtains closed at night so I don't see the neighbor's holiday lights. I don't watch the news because I don't want to see anything that has to do with holiday shoppers or the holiday. I am pretending it is still October. My daughter turns 4 in just 5 days...I am ignoring that too. How do I acknowledge that her father won't be here to celebrate with her? She is our child, we created her together in an act of love...and now he isn't even here to witness her growing.<br /><br />The only thing I'm looking forward to this Christmas, is it finally being over.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-70697406568995302092008-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:002008-11-28T14:26:50.187-08:00Hot headed in paradiseIf you're involved in the online world of sex bloggers, or visit the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-forum/">forums at Eden Fantasys</a>, then you are probably aware of a fairly recent small security leak.<br /><br />I have chosen for the most part to stay out of this, and honestly I don't see, for the life of me, why so many people are so upset. The document that went public had some info about 60 bloggers on it. I won't go into all the details and type everything here, instead I'll just direct you to a letter from the owner, entitled <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-forum/edenfantasys/letters-from-the-owner/security/">Security</a>.<br /><br />The thing that gets me is that this was such a small scale leak, and it was only available to the public for 10 minutes. It was removed and deleted as soon as the breach was discovered, and while eden could delete all posts made about the topic, they have not. I have had information lost by extremely large businesses in the past (think one of the 3 largest banks in the nation) and I did receive a letter of notice a week after it happened...there never was an apology and it included all of my banking history with them, including my address and name, bank account numbers and social security number. Same thing when the government lost the information of my VA husband...no apology and two weeks for a letter of notice.<br /><br />Are all of these sex bloggers as vulnerable as they think they are? How many followers does it take to be "popular?" I'm sorry, but anything under 1000 is a VERY small number of people, and the likely hood of any of them living anywhere close to you is very slim. People who tend to get stalkers are exposed to way more people than sex bloggers. I'm sorry, but I don't see why people with a handful of readers are so pissed about their addresses getting out. And yes, I do realize that I have a very very small number of visitors to my site.<br /><br />I'm not saying that there is no chance of these people having stalkers, and the concern is real...it's just been blown out of proportion. Very few people saw the document, and very few people even know who those 60 people are. I have not seen very much in ways of level headed judgment during this.<br /><br />For example, eden states that an email concerning the issue will be sent out to those who were on the list. People then get pissed when they receive the email and it does not state directly "you were on the list." Why did eden send out the email in the first place? Probably because of all the super pissed people who were ranting in the eden forums...people who had read an email would be sent out to those who had been effected. After the uproar over the email not stating "you were on the list" eden staff replied saying once again, the email was sent out ONLY to those on the list, so if you didn't get one, you weren't on it. I thought it was pretty clear from the get go...so why are people still pissed over this?<br /><br />It was a mistake, no it shouldn't have happened, but it did. Everyone should be thankful it was on such a small scale and was dealt with so quickly. People are pissed because it wasn't handled "right." I'm beginning to think that nothing would have been good enough to satisfy the people who were outraged over it. Eden has apologized repeatedly, they deleted the document as soon as they found out it had happened, and they have been working around the clock to make sure it never happens again all the while trying to deal with all the heated and negative comments being left on the forum...what else could they possibly do? Are the bloggers who were on the list expecting monetary compensation in addition to the free toys they already received? Hell, my bank never even said "we're sorry this happened!"<br /><br />The whole deal reminds me a lot of little kids on the playground fighting over who gets what toy. It starts out as "I'd like to play with that" and before long it has turned into screaming, hair pulling, biting, and shouts of "MINE!" I think this small leak has been blown WAY out of proportion. It happened, it was fixed, and steps are currently being taken to ensure it never happens again...ITS OVER!!! Why continue being mad? It is over with and eden has been much kinder than they had to (or should have).<br /><br />Are people sitting back being silent observers? Perhaps many people just DON'T FREAKING CARE! I don't care about it, because there is nothing to care about. It is over with, and I can see absolutely no sense in beating a dead horse...it ain't gonna get up and start running again! (and no, I do NOT advocate hurting animals). I'm confused why people are still dragging this out. What's the point in staying pissed over it? Kinda like the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/sex-forum/edenfantasys/sex-shop-i-trust/sex-shop-i-don-t/">whole deal concerning AAG</a>, why were so many people so pissed over something that was honestly none of their freaking business? I don't feel that any of that should have been displayed out in front of the world, kinda like I feel the person who first discovered there was a security leak should have notified eden instead of spreading the link around asap.<br /><br />I have had some communications with Fred before this whole thing happened, and due to a family tragedy (my husband trying to kill me) I did not respond (still meaning to email, just haven't done it yet). All I saw was that he cares a lot about his business (like anyone in his position would) and he seemed very courteous and level headed. I honestly think Eden has done a fantastic job in spite of all the crap from people in the community and sex bloggers who were involved.<br /><br />Well, that's how I see this mess. I know lots of people disagree, but that's okay :) I just think it's time to let the smoke settle instead of continually stirring it up again...Please! I'd like some fresh air for a change. What about you? Tell me how you see it (post anonymously if you'd like, I don't care). Do you think it should be allowed to die out so we can all move on? Or do you enjoy the smoke?BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-40921668896097986492008-11-26T00:58:00.000-08:002008-11-26T02:28:28.969-08:00Illegal sex is HOT sex!Illegal sex...what exactly does that mean? Well, most of the time it means rape or statutory rape, but what I'm talking about is sex with someone the court has ordered to stay away from you. Yes...I had sex with my abusive husband. Stupid I know. I couldn't help it, I get soooooo feakin' horny when I ovulate. I have had sex with him three times during the past couple weeks.<br /><br />The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.<br /><br />We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.<br /><br />Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.<br /><br />I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.<br /><br />I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.<br /><br />Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."<br /><br />Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.<br /><br />I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :DBustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-17149009008262889502008-11-23T13:57:00.000-08:002008-11-26T00:58:46.598-08:00The Pastor from HellOkay, I am still <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">wishy</span> washy...My resolve for divorce has waned again. I have been bouncing between wanting my husband to get help and just wanting a divorce. I am back to wanting it to workout again, despite knowing that only 3% of abusive men ever change (or so I've heard from counselors in the past).<br /><br />My husband had been talking with a pastor...the title kinda gives this away...any who, said pastor called me two weeks ago. I had thought my husband talking to a minister would be a positive thing...turns out it wasn't. I have never talked to a pastor before who claimed to be the smartest person on the face of this planet...well, now I have.<br /><br />This guy knows that I've been in an abusive marriage for nearly 4 years, so you know what he proceeds to talk about? He questions my salvation. The phrase "you claim to be a Christian" came up more times than I'd like to count. He asked me what I believed the gospel meant, I told him, but obviously I'm too stupid to understand it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm going to hell and that I don't love God. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">WTF</span>? He does not know anything about me, he doesn't know how I live my daily life, or what the condition of my heart is. At least I know I don't go calling up battered women and tell them how worthless they are and they are doomed to hell. This guy is no man of God, but I think he thinks he is God. His attitude is exactly what the Bible says should not be. He is judgmental, condemning others, talks his own praise, says others are stupid...all thing the Bible plainly says are wrong.<br /><br />This guy focused on the part in the Bible that talks about the woman being submissive to her husband but he totally skipped over the part about the husband serving his wife as Jesus served the church. It's because of guys like this why many people hate Christians or think they are all bigots. I think he is hateful, prideful, and a definite sexist (which the Bible DOES NOT teach). He makes me sick. I am not worthless, even going off of the Bible alone I have great worth. If God is all knowing and all powerful, how could something he created and loves dearly be considered worthless? The Bible says God loves all people, but hates some of the things they do.<br /><br />This guy gave me an example of how wrong my behaviour is, which by the way, he knows nothing about me and has never even met me in person. He told me that if a child disobeys the parent, that is solid proof the child does not love the parent. This really scares me, because this guy is a parent of 3 children under the age of 3. How could any person with a child be THIS freaking ignorant? Children disobey because it is in their nature, it is how they learn. It has nothing to do with their love...NOTHING! Just because my daughter refuses to pick up a toy, does not mean she doesn't love me. Anyone who has spent any time with small children should understand this simply from observing them play. It's like saying I wouldn't love my child if she spilled her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Kool</span>-Aid on the floor. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Geez</span>...how could someone be so out of touch and get these radical and stupid ideas out of the Bible when they aren't even there? This guy seems to pick a few words out of a verse and twist the meaning on it to suit what HE wants.<br /><br />The biggest area where this guy is screwing things up, is with his beliefs on depression. He thinks depression is a matter of the heart and therapists are all atheist. He basically said that therapists that "claim" to be Christian are going against God. He also referred to antidepressants and talk therapy as "bandages" that only mask the problem but don't heal it. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he was a fucking idiot. There I sat with steam coming out of my ears, and so pissed my face must have been bright red. I didn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him off more than anything, but my lack of confidence wouldn't let me openly question him.<br /><br />I was so pissed when I learned that my husband has been wanting to get into therapy and this ass is telling him not to. This pastor actually told my husband that he wouldn't help him at all if he went to anyone else for help. He told my husband to go off of his antidepressant medication and told him not to go to anger management or domestic abuse classes. There have been signs that my husband might actually change...mostly that he has been accepting responsibility for what he did. His crying doesn't change my mind at all as it has been a manipulation tactic in the past. It's the "I know you aren't at fault for what I've done" comments that really get to me.<br /><br />I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my husband has not been getting help. Is this all a farce and he never planned on getting help? Or is it that the "pastor" was really holding him back so badly? I haven't gotten any of my info on the pastor from my husband. He has called me twice and all my knowledge about what has went on between them is straight from this guy's mouth. I do know that he has been threatening not to help my husband if he gets therapy. I also know the ignorant shit he told me. It is a real possibility that going to this guy is the reason why my husband is not currently in any therapy and living at a homeless shelter (no joke, he really is living at the local homeless shelter until he can make enough money to support our current bills AND an apartment).<br /><br />Thankfully my husband finally pissed off the pastor by questioning his beliefs about depression and treatment. I'm hoping this means he also leaves me alone, but that may just be wishful thinking. We are still talking on the phone some, and I had suggested a church to him that has been recommended to me. We can't go to the same church because of the no contact order (which we are ignoring by talking over the phone, but it isn't as obvious as being seen together in public after all). Anyways, he has attended the Thanksgiving service at this particular church and received a lot of encouragement from the assistant pastor and some of the congregation that he has spoken with. I don't know to what point he has informed them about the situation, but I know he has discussed the abuse with the pastor and has a meeting set up to speak with him further.<br /><br />This new church that he is attending is a community focused church. This means that instead of sending missionaries to Africa or India, they help out in the community and minister to people in need here. I think that is probably one of the best places he could seek help from right now. His ex-pastor had a "do what I say to prove you are good enough, then I might help you" kind of attitude where this pastor has a "let me help you" attitude period. I'm hoping some positive things happen as a result of this.<br /><br />I see that the ownership of what happened is there, and I see that he really gets what he has lost and how much better his life was back before he became abusive. The biggest problem is that so much of the abuse became second nature to him. He didn't stop and think about it, he just said the hurtful things automatically. It would take a lot of hard work to reprogram himself to think of me and consider me before opening his mouth. I know he has a lot of problems...but nothing justifies threatening to hurt someone or saying hurtful things consistently throughout the day. I think he has the building blocks to change, it's just that I don't know if he is willing to do the work that it would take to undo all the bad behavior and replace it with good and positive behavior.<br /><br />Right now he is taking his antidepressants (he hasn't picked up the 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">nd</span> generation one yet because of lack of money, so it's just the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Welbutrin</span> XL that he's on now) and he is going to church and reading two books about healing from domestic abuse and changing the bad behavior. I know staying at the homeless shelter is something that he really didn't want to do, so I am a little impressed that he has been staying there. He also got a much better job, although he has to yet sell his first car (yes, he is a used car salesmen...those guys make better money than one would assume actually...). He has only worked there a few days though, and he does have several sales lined up where he is just waiting on the other people to get their financing approved from their bank or similar situations.<br /><br />I know he has been thinking some about what things used to be like between us. He has brought it up when we've talked over the phone. He told me that he had forgotten how he used to feel towards me, and says that it is a big shock to think about exactly what it was that he lost by being abusive to me. I don't want to have false hope, but I can't help from thinking that he is starting to see how badly he fucked up his life.<br /><br />Time will tell what happens here...I just really hate all the waiting. I am very thankful however that he is done with talking to that demented minister.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-19182544238920485212008-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:002008-11-09T15:37:52.861-08:00Super long post...I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.<br /><br />I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.<br /><br />No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.<br /><br />I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.<br /><br />My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.<br /><br />Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).<br /><br />It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.<br /><br />Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.<br /><br />I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.<br /><br />I looked online (match.com actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.<br /><br />I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.<br /><br />If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).<br /><br />I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about lying...it just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.<br /><br />My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.<br /><br />Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.<br /><br />I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.<br /><br />The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care though...at least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.<br /><br />I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.<br /><br />Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.<br /><br />Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lolBustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-60296264744997832952008-11-01T22:16:00.000-07:002008-11-01T23:13:05.507-07:00I've got nothing clever here...My brain is pretty fried. Maybe it was all the candy I sucked in over Halloween, perhaps it twas the head cold I contracted, or most likely, both combined. My brain isn't working right though, I know that much. I sit and just space out...kinda like I'm doing now.<br /><br />I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.<br /><br />My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "<a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrators/traditional-vibrators/power-penis-vibrator">Power Penis</a>" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...<br /><br />The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/pc-muscle-exerciser/adult-toys-dvds-23390">this</a>, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.<br /><br />My brain is still fried...so I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-80832553629262354022008-10-29T05:41:00.000-07:002008-10-29T07:20:57.714-07:00The stress dietI was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning. Me with my frizzed bed hair, my puffy swollen throat and my red sore nose, all hunched over and pathetic like, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Clothed in only my stretch marks and scars, I gasped when I saw what it read. 188 pounds. Three weeks ago I weighed in at 203 lbs.<br /><br />I would say that this is the time I've lost weight the fastest. I guess that's what happens when you vomit several times per day and are shaking too badly to eat anything. My first week went with me eating virtually nothing. There were days I didn't even manage to get down an 8 oz glass of water, other days I managed to force a spoon full or two of food down my throat. It was horrid, probably one of the most nerve wracking times in my life. The second week I was managing to eat almost half as much food at each meal as my children would eat. This third week I am actually eating as much if not a tiny bit more than my children now.<br /><br />In 3 and a half weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I would not suggest trying this, as it is about the unhealthiest way to loose weight I can think of besides purging after every meal. I don't feel very good either. I have been really tired and weak and have not been sleeping very well either. My motivation has really sunk through the floor.<br /><br />Now that I've begun eating a little better, I got sick! Yesterday morning I felt like I had tried to swallow steel wool and razor blades the way my throat felt. I did nothing besides lie on the couch and try to drink lots of hot liquids. My throat was all red and swollen and it only got worse as the day went on. By last evening the mucous had started sliding down my throat making things worse. Blowing my nose produced bright yellow snot...not exactly a good sign. I've always been told that any other color besides clear means a doctor visit...but seriously, like I can afford that right now. If it turns green or bloody then I'll think about going in for it. A little sinus infection never hurt anybody...right? he ha, lets hope it doesn't get worse.<br /><br />Last night I had fever dreams...ugh, they were horrid. I dreamt I was homeless and living in a shelter, only it looked like it had been taken straight from a Mad Max movie. I walked outside and was going to go to town to find a job, when bugs started biting me. I looked at my right arm and there was a beetle looking thing trying to burrow into my skin. I squeezed it out like a bad zit and as I did it released some yellowish looking foam onto me. The yellow stuff bubbled up on my skin then did like acid and burned a bloody hole through my skin exposing muscle and bone. I looked over at my left arm and saw all these huge bloody sores and I could see the bugs buried deep within them. Then the yellowish foam was released again and it started burning all the flesh off my arm leaving ragged hunks of hide and destroyed muscle with bone exposed. I screamed and woke up.<br /><br />The dream had been incredibly vivid and lifelike. When I woke up I was lying in a puddle of sweat in the sheets. I was shaking and really upset still. All my worst nightmares have bugs or worms in them. I think the only one I've had worse than this one was the dream where maggots were crawling around underneath my skin and doctors had to cut my skin off and scrape all the maggots off of me. Why do I have dreams like this? Couldn't I just have normal dreams? After last night I can't believe I was complaining about the sex dreams I had about my husband. I'll take those over nightmares any night. Ick...ick, ick ick. Bug dreams suck.<br /><br />I have so much to do, so many people to call. I have been avoiding talking though, with my throat as sore as it is. I have some numbing cough drops, but I hate using them because then I'm worried about what damage I'm doing to myself while numbed. I got a summons for jury duty...of all the freakin' times to get it, why the hell does it have to be now? I know they won't pick me, the whole my husband being arrested for a crime against me thing...but still, why do I have to go in for them to tell me they don't want me? My mom wants me to call and talk to the court house, but I've been putting it off. I have a serious thing against talking on the phone to people that aren't friends or family. I get that from my dad, no secret there that he hates talking over the phone too.<br /><br />It is weird to think that I only have 38 pounds left until I reach my goal for weight. I've lost 47 pounds so far since I first started dieting at the beginning of this calender year. 8 more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when I got pregnant the first time. 150 is what I was when I met my husband and got married, 125 when I was in high school, but that was underweight for my height. I think 150 is a good goal weight for me, it is the healthy weight for a woman 5'8" with average bone structure after all. Once I reach 150 I'll see how I feel and if I need to tone up or build muscle then I will. Right now I'm not worrying about it too much.<br /><br />I am sick and feeling like crap...think I'll go take a nap for a couple hours until my daughter gets home from preschool. I had better be over this by the weekend...I will be uber pissed if I can't go visit my folks and get my kitten.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-70554734200388811972008-10-28T11:18:00.000-07:002008-10-28T11:45:47.690-07:00My first GLASS dildo!!Okay, I finally did it. I requested to review a glass dildo from <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>. I must say that it is a gorgeous looking dildo. I tried to pick something that wasn't too expensive but had zero reviews OR customer comments. I ended up picking the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/CLEAR-RIBBED-G-SPOT-WONDER/adult-toys-dvds-17243#pcode-9V3">Clear ribbed G-spot wonder</a>. It looks like it has an amazing shape to it, and the little nubs looked like fun. I want to try a glass dildo that is smooth and one with a swirled texture too at some point, but I wanted to start with the nubbed variety first. There are a couple glass dildos I have been lusting after for quite sometime, but I just can't force myself to ask eden to send me a free toy that costs over $200. In fact this dildo will be the most expensive free toy I've received from them.<br /><br />The buyout option is awesome, let me tell you. I haven't purchased anything with it yet, but I will use that when I finally do purchase my dream dildo the <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/PRINCE-VALIANT/adult-toys-dvds-15815">Prince Valiant</a>. I have never seen anything more sexy or stunningly beautiful in my life. I choke up at the $330 bucks it would take to buy it however. I have promised myself that once I am enrolled in college that I will save up money and buy this dildo for myself. The Prince Valiant is to be my reward for getting my independence back. I can't think of a better reward than this amazing piece of art. I think I will buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the day I order my reward...it is just that awesome of a dildo. Once I do have it, I'm not sure if I'll go hide it in my bedroom with the other toys. That looks like the kind of thing you would have in an expensive display case where everyone can marvel at it's beauty...but I would like to use it too so that may shoot that down ;)<br /><br />Anyways, I am super excited to get the glass dildo. I will be leaving for my parent's place this weekend, so hopefully it comes before then. The delivery date calculator says it will come on Friday, so I'll most likely get it on Thursday. No matter when it comes I will wait until I've gotten it before I leave my house for a few days. There is no way I'll leave a box on my step over Halloween...too likely it would get stolen or smashed. I would hate to see anything happen to my first glass toy besides. I can't wait to get my greedy little hands on glass :DBustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-91568627154151226352008-10-28T10:38:00.000-07:002008-10-28T11:15:41.025-07:00I LOVE EdenFantasys!!!!It's true...I love <a href="http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-9V3">EdenFantasys</a>. I missed out on the I Trust Campaign as far as writing a piece for the forums, but I wanted to say on here why I love those people so much.<br /><br />Through my separation they have been incredibly understanding and responded very quickly to me. It was very hard for me to focus and I couldn't get reviews out as quickly as usual, but they were understanding about it. I sent them a message to let them know I would no longer be able to review male specific or couples' toys, and I got a kind reply message the very next day. In fact I have always gotten very quick and polite replies to my messages to edenfantasys, no matter if they are in system messages or emails.<br /><br />Everything is fast, not just the replies. When I request an assignment through in system messaging I get a reply within 24 hours and often it is assigned the very same day I receive the reply message. For example late last night I sent a message requesting a very nice looking glass dildo. This morning I had a message stating it was approved and assigned. I went and looked, and sure enough, there it sat in my assignment list. I accepted it and about 30 minutes later received an email alerting me that it had been sent to shipping. I don't know these people, but I can tell you that they have impressed me with their quickness and politeness in all areas. I know that once the dildo is shipped it will be packaged carefully like all my other packages have been and it will arrive in two to three days. Shipping is a big deal for me. I like that it's discreet, but I love that it's fast. I live all the way across the country from the warehouse, so I am very impressed when I receive my toy 3 days from when I order them.<br /><br />One reason why I stay at eden's is the amazing community. Throughout this whole separation deal I have received words of wisdom and encouragement from fellow community members. Now it might not be a big deal to some people, but this means the world to me. I am proud to be part of such a positive and kind community. Everyone has been so helpful and the forums are a great place to get information, tips, advice, or just to hang out and chat.<br /><br />I have to mention the sorting features too. I love being able to filter out jelly toys or just look for cocks of certain sizes, colors, prices, material, and safety. It makes it so easy to find the perfect toy! I love to just window shop at edens. I have spent hours looking through all the toys and deciding which ones look like they would be a great fit for me. This brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of eden's the reviews.<br /><br />The reviews! The amazing reviews! I don't know how many times I've thought a toy looked good then read a couple reviews and decided not to waste my money. Of course there have been times I ignored the reviews and bought a product that I wanted to try despite the negative reviews it received. That is how I ended up with the climax bursts lubes, which I hated. The reviews were absolutely correct, and I should have heeded them. I have found some excellent toys that I might not have considered before when I read the excellent reviews for them. I found my favorite lube, Maximus, by reading reviews. I have made some very good and informed purchases based off of some very well written and informative reviews from fellow contributors. If after reading a review I have any questions, I can always leave a comment or send a message to that reviewer. I have made use of this system a lot, and it has often been the deciding factor in my purchase of that particular product.<br /><br />So much to love about a great place. To all the people who run the site, you deserve a big HUGE KUDOS! Awesome job guys, for a fantastic site that is so helpful, informative, and easy to shop at.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-71661488433808590522008-10-27T21:25:00.000-07:002008-10-27T23:02:20.139-07:00Wibbly wobbly once more...Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!<br /><br />My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting again...one day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.<br /><br />I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.<br /><br />He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.<br /><br />The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.<br /><br />Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.<br /><br />While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my forgiveness...my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.<br /><br />My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.<br /><br />I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.<br /><br />I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.<br /><br />I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.<br /><br />I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.<br /><br />The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette smoke...it doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.<br /><br />It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...<br /><br />I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-76348419380711691452008-10-25T00:51:00.000-07:002008-10-25T01:34:09.719-07:00Shitty daysThese past couple days have been shit. There was one day where I felt really great. I was on top of the world with everything working well. The next day I take my 2 year-old to her exam...guess what? she has a heart murmur. The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about since there's nothing we can do for it right now anyway. She is to go back in 2 weeks for some tests to find out how bad it is. I also will be taking my other daughter in as well so they can both be tested for lead poisoning. My oldest daughter chews...on wood...this house was built in 1949...not good, really not good.<br /><br />The other horrible thing that has happened was my oldest daughter ran out into the street. We live on a really busy one-way street, so our doors are kept locked all hours of the day and night. Both girls can open the deadbolt locks, so we installed flip locks near the top of the doors where they can not be reached. My daughter pulled a dining room chair through the living room to the front door. She used the chair to reach the flip lock, drug the chair back out of the way, opened the door, and ran out and stood in the street. Both girls had been asleep taking naps, and I was in the back yard trying to get some yard work done. I have baby monitors, but she was quiet enough that I didn't hear her leave her room. A stranger stopped and grabbed her out of the street and brought her back into the house (she had left the door wide open) and alerted me. If that man had not stopped and helped my daughter, she would probably be dead right now. I can not begin to express how hard I shook from fright when I learned what had happened.<br /><br />I have been thinking and trying to rack my brain as to why she would run out of the house like she did. Things have been pretty upset and different since my husband was arrested. The girls ask about him some, but the oldest daughter is the one who always asks "Daddy at work?" "where Daddy?" I know she misses him, they both do. Hell, as mad as I get at him, I still miss him. Change is hard, especially when they are too young to be able to understand what is going on or why. I have explained it best I can, trying to be simple and reassure them whenever I think they need it. I simply told my oldest daughter that Daddy has some problems that he needs to fix, and because of those problems he can't live with us. I assured her that he still loves her and that this has nothing to do with them as it is his problem and only he is responsible for it. So with that being upsetting for her, she was also angry about not being outside. We had been out in the yard earlier and she kept trying to go outside of the fence. I warned her that if she opened the gate one more time that we would go inside. Well, she opened the gate and went outside the fence, so we went inside with her kicking and screaming the whole way. She was very angry at me, and I put her in her room for a nap. She screamed for awhile and finally fell asleep. Both girls were down for a nap and I had a lot of work to do, so I went back out and got started.<br /><br />I have not slept very well since that day. I worry every time I go into the bathroom or go into the basement where I can't see her constantly. I will buy some padlocks and latch things to put on both doors on the inside so I can lock up at night so she can't get out. I will need to keep the key on me at all times, and think I may just wear it on a chain around my neck. The padlocks was a suggestion the pediatrician made, and I will do it as soon as I get enough cash to buy the stuff to do it with.<br /><br />Finding out about my youngest girl's heart murmur coupled with my oldest daughter running out of the house and all the stress and worry from the separation has really fucked up my emotions. I did not sleep last night. I couldn't sleep so I finally just decided to stay up and watch tv until I passed out. I finally fell asleep after 6:00 am until the girls got up around 7:30 am. I didn't do anything today. I didn't clean, I didn't shower, I didn't cook, I didn't do anything. We had cold cereal and sandwiches to eat today. I was so depressed and blue that I just lay on the couch and cried most of the day. Again I am up late. It is nearly 2:30 am the next day, and I still feel like I can't sleep. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, and it looks like it'll be the same story tonight.<br /><br />I really need tomorrow to go well. I need to think of something fun to do, something uplifting and encouraging. Fuck...why does everything have to be so hard sometimes? I am ready for a good day again. Even if I don't sleep tonight, I will still go lie in bed and pretend to sleep. Maybe that will be more restful than sitting at the computer...ha ha, yeah right...BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8132894751661548616.post-84455591512809922342008-10-21T21:34:00.000-07:002008-10-22T00:39:37.968-07:00Finally starting to move forward.The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.<br /><br />I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that bright...no offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.<br /><br />I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.<br /><br />It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.<br /><br />Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.BustyBulmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03842612013494868568noreply@blogger.com0