Just life, and stuff...and things?

The new EF.

2010-05-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

EdenFantasy's sure changed a lot in the last year. I went to check my commissions (hoping that I had enough to order a new set of Doc Johnson stimulator sleeves) and it took me almost 10 minutes to find the correct link. I had not expected such a huge change, but it happened anyways. I'm hoping to get back into reviewing soon, and I'm afraid I will need to relearn most of the site.

Did I just say I plan on returning to reviewing? Yes I did :) I'm not sure when, but hopefully within a month. My home situation has changed some. I no longer have an outside job and my marriage is going surprisingly well still. Sure, there have been rough patches, but they have not been anything major or serious. I find myself spending more time doing yard work and putting more focus on teaching my young children getting them ready for kindergarten. My husband works long hours...and well...I'm getting bored. Not really aching to jump into a new job just yet, and I am so tired of doing yard work and "busy" work around the house. I doubt I will get so heavy into it as I did last time. I have some toys that I need to write updates for, and some products that I bought and never got around to reviewing. I will work on those first while I figure out how things are done now. I am a little scared about it really, so much has changed I'm not sure what I'll find when I start digging back into reviewing. I'm excited about it as well...very excited :)

I did have enough in my commissions to buy something; I had more than I expected or hoped for. I expected to have about $40, but I had just over $100! I was able to get the set of stimulator sleeves like I wanted, plus two other toys I've wanted for a very long time. My original set of sleeves turned yellowish after awhile (approximately around 6-9 months) and I threw them away. Well, that was all fine and good during the times when I didn't have a sex partner or during the period of time gaining trust and rebuilding a sexual relationship with my husband again. Now however, I really miss those little sleeves. Sex is good without them, but while my husband is doing his thing I keep thinking "ohh, if only he were wearing that little sleeve with the nubs on it." For some reason we've been having sex more than twice a week now (his libido, not mine. I want sex at least once every day).

For the longest time we weren't using toys at all, and we're just getting back into the practice of dragging out the toy chest. During these runs with the toys, I've noticed that I don't have a very good selection of dildos. I've got awesome dildos for me, but when it comes to pegging, we really only have one and the curve is a bit much for my husband to take sometimes. Browsing the dildo section I noticed that the dildo I've always wanted was out of stock in all three colors...who know the Tantus O2 Niagara was so darned popular? I was pretty disappointed, but wanted to place an order so settled on the vibrating Leo. I've had my eye on that dildo for awhile now, so will be awesome to try it out. The last toy I got is the Lelo Ella. I've wanted that dildo for so long. I love my glass dil, but it is too hard for my husband to use on me, so hoping this softer one will work better for partner play. Seems a little bit like it was meant to be that I had just enough commission to get those three items. If anyone clicked through my link or used my promo code (9v3) then I give you a huge and hearty THANK YOU!!! I haven't had such a good surprise since I got New Super Mario Bros Wii for $15 off Amazon!

That's about all I have to say really. Besides being a little bored with my life things are going great for me. My husband got a better job, my eldest daughter is graduating from her special needs preschool and will attend regular kindergarten next year (no special accommodations at all, so proud of her), a major home renovation project (restoring the hardwood floors) is done and looks great, the weather is beautiful, I am happy, nothing more to want really.

Seriously missin' the internet.

2009-09-04T11:30:00.000-07:00

These trips to the library to use the internet are a huge "slap in the face" kind of reminder of just how broke I am. The bills are slowly catching up, but we are still not at the point of being able to afford internet. It gets sooooo depressing being broke like this. It has been so long since I've bought new clothes I don't even remember when it was. My husband, thankfully, has lost enough weight that he is able to fit into old jeans from 6 years ago. If he hadn't lost the weight, he would be going to work with worn out jeans. I haven't been so lucky with weight loss because of the amazing amount of stress I am under. I am just hovering and doing good to not gain anymore. I think the depression is trying to creep back into my life. Seems like I am so wrought with worry and stress that I can't think of anything else. Keeping positive is a constant effort on my part.

My husband is being more of a husband than he ever was before we split. I don't know exactly why it took the extreme measure that it did in order for him to grow up, but I am thankful that it finally did happen. Instead of putting me down to feel better about himself, he is taking the steps to make himself better. Since he got his most recent job, he has never been late for work or missed a day. Being late for work was a daily thing for years, so it is odd that he has been so different with this job. I think it being so difficult for him to get into a job at all, has impressed upon him just how important it is that he not screw this one up.

My husband has interviewed for a promotion and didn't get it, but was told that he would be put into a different department based off of his skills and interests. It sounds like a sure thing and he should be moved in a couple weeks. That will be a $2 raise and I am hoping this will mean I can cut back a few more hours at my work. I had to take one less day because I couldn't handle the work load anymore, so I am only working two days then get a day off, work two days then get my weekend. I really need the time to get things at home done, plus sleep. I have been trying to function on not enough sleep for too long. When I have to work nights and take care of the girls during the day, there isn't much time left for sleeping. When I can get down to working no more than 20 hours a week, I should feel a lot better.

Besides the promise of a promotion, my husband has still been working on getting into a trade. He took the qualification test and the interview (which went really well). In a couple weeks we should get a letter stating where he is placed on the roster. I have been praying like crazy that he get into an apprenticeship soon. That would be double his current income, which would mean my income would be "extra" to start knocking down our debt and maybe buy a new pair of sneakers for myself (seriously, my current pair is falling apart and hurts my feet to wear them). I don't know if we would get the internet again as soon as we could afford it though. As much as I hate not having internet, I would really love the security of being debt-free. We've discussed it some, but haven't came to a final decision yet.

I am counting down the weeks until tax season. I am so excited for tax return this year! Our furnace is from 1946 and thankfully still working, but it sucks energy and doesn't do a very good job of heating the house. The hot water heater is old too, but I don't know the exact year. The problem with it is that the moron that installed it put the hot and cold water hookups on backwards. So the cold water goes in on the top of the hot water, instead of the bottom of the tank. What this means is that after using about 4 minutes of hot water the cold water dumping in on top of it has cooled it off and you end up taking freezing cold showers. We could just fix the problem except that we are 95% positive doing so would cause the hookups to fall apart. This has been so annoying for the couple years we've lived here. Come tax season, we are going to use that tax return towards a Rinai system. We got an estimate a while back, and for tankless on-demand hot water and the furnace that goes with it we would be paying about $4,500. Normally a hot water heater is around $600 and a furnace is $5000+ (based on quotes we got a couple years ago when we were looking at prices for updating and fixing houses during our hunt for a home, prices could have gone up since then though). A Rinai hot water heater is about double what a regular tank water heater is, but the furnace that works with it is way cheaper than a traditional furnace. The air is heated by hot water, which also means it doesn't dry out the air. Getting this system is a little dream of mine, plus the savings in energy costs during the winter months would be awesome. With what's leftover of the tax return is still being debated where we will spend it. My husband wants to spend it on knocking out some of our smaller credit cards (ones under $500). I know that is the smart thing to do, but there is a big part of me that also feels we haven't been able to spend any money on us just for fun for many months. Depending on our income at the time, I would like to get a new tv. The 46" LED by Samsung would look pretty sweet in our living room :) Our current tv we've had for 8 years, and is a 27" RCA tube tv. It has been pretty well used, and isn't working so awesome anymore. It was a floor model that we bought on clearance at Kmart.

I feel so boring. All I do is work and trudge through life. There are some fun moments, but really labor takes up most all of my life currently. We have stopped using toys for awhile. I don't know when we will start using them again, but it seemed like they just kinda slipped out of our sex. Seems like sex isn't planned out ahead of time anymore and it isn't all that fun and mind blowing either. Now we have went to one of those couples who only have sex right before bed. It is an odd development for us, but I've been enjoying it for the most part. I had kind of assumed the days of actually making love (as apposed to fucking) and falling asleep still holding each other were over, but here we are, falling asleep without even cleaning up most nights (that I am not working anyway). Sex had become something devoid of most all emotion before my husband was arrested, so I am still getting used to the emotion-filled, heart-present, love making of the current. The sweetness of my sex life is almost sickening.

I think I've ate up all of my "me" time already. Time to go try to post this now.

Back in the same house.

2009-07-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

Time really flies by, doesn't it? Two freakin' months have gone by since I posted last...seems like it was just last week. My house is a lot different than it was then. I let him move back in. Maybe I am being stupid, but it doesn't really feel like it. It has been almost a month, and things are going scary good. I don't understand why it wasn't like this before. I am still watching him like a hawk, but there is a weird peace in the house that still feels foreign to me.

Are there couples who disagree without fighting? Is it possible for two people to be married and not scream or swear at each other? We have not had a single fight since I've been having a dialog with him, but I honestly didn't expect it to stay that way when he moved in. We have had arguments, and disagreements, but not fights. When the discussion starts getting heated he says he needs to go for a walk and will be back in half an hour. He leaves and comes back in 30 minutes and we finish the discussion. We have had some big disagreements too, but they never escalated into raised voices or saying mean things.

I am still getting used to there being someone else living with me again. It has been nice to have help though. I enjoying doing yard work, but there are times when I am just too tired to mow. He has been helping out more than he ever did. There are still some annoying things like not picking up his own laundry and putting it in the hamper, but that seems like a small gripe when he is helping with dishes and yard work. Finding time to work on our relationship has been the hardest thing we have been struggling with. Right now we are trying to work shifts so one of us is able to stay home with the kids. Right now we honestly can't afford day care, and my oldest daughter requires more attention then a day care could provide her with. My husband is currently pursuing a new career in a trade in his spare time, so that hopefully we will have more income. I do not want to not have a job, but if we had day care I would be paying in order to work instead of earning money. I haven't found the right balance yet, but this is getting quite tiring. We will need to do something else soon or I will run out of steam.

I would say things are going well for me, at least there is positive progress being made. Sure, my life isn't perfect, but whose is? I am happy, my children are happy, it could be a lot worse. At lest we are no longer living in fear and abuse, and our family feels more complete.

I noticed there is another comment from "Anonymous." Whoever you are, you obviously have a personal gripe against me, though I can't imagine what over. I could delete your comments, but I hardly see the flamboyant ignorance worth my effort. You have not posted a comment that was not laced with ignorance thus far. For example your latest comment. "sell your sex toys like your expensive shit like fyn bag and sasi and all the really nice ones. then you could afford diapers for your kids." This shows that you did not even read the post to which you commented, since I stated my children are both potty trained and no longer require diapers. Another thing is that you obviously don't have a clue how expensive diapers are, nor do you understand that I would not be able to sell sex toys even if I wanted to. No one would BUY a sex toy from someone they were not fluid bonded with, unless they were completely lacking in sexual health knowledge. I would not morally or ethically be able to sell a sex toy to someone else, it just wouldn't be responsible. If I did find some sucker to buy my things and I somehow got over feeling evil for doing so, just how much do you think I would get? I doubt it would even be $25 for everything. That doesn't gas up my car, it doesn't buy diapers for two weeks for one child, it would do little to no good. Obviously you are jealous of my toys, since you started commenting when I purchased the SaSi. You previously commented that it was stupid of me to buy my SaSi, which is odd that you think you have the right to judge me considering you do not even know me. What I post is a small window into my life, you have no idea what I do during my days or how hard I work. You have too much free time on your hands if throwing your ignorance around like confetti is deemed worthwhile. If you don't like me, that's fine with me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when you write something mean to me, after all, why would I even consider your comments as anything besides spiteful garbage? Posting these comments that there is no reason for, under a veil of anonymity no less, is cowardly and a waste of time. Go read a book or do something worthwhile.

Nearly 5 months later...

2009-05-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well here I am, still hanging in there. I can't say as everything has gone like I thought it would, or even like I had hoped against hope it would, but I am doing better than I was when I left. I kept no contact with my husband until the whole thing with the trial came up in February. I don't quite know what happened as I am still dumb founded and in disbelief. This is all random and nothing is making sense I know...I am still in a state of confusion myself. My husband got off with a differed sentence of one year, so as long as he does not get arrested or cross the law in anyway he will not have the PFMA (Partner/Family Member Assault) on his record after the year is up. I can't say as I was too pleased as this seemed like a light slap on the wrist and nothing more.

Weeks then a couple months went by and he started trying to contact me again. I did not know what to expect and I was trying to cut my ties with him, so was frightened by his continued interest in me. Some of his choices looked odd to me, and I was confused about his motives regarding those choices. He switched to a new church, went to Bible study weekly, got on a new medication for depression and for adult ADD, and went to the domestic abuse and anger management class before he was court ordered to do so, he also continued going to his counselor weekly. My first thought was that this was all a trick to suck me back into the abuse, so I largely dismissed his actions as a sort of con.

A few more weeks went by and I began to grow curious about the whole deal, so I met with his counselor. Mind you she was not able to tell me much because of it being confidential, but she was able to tell me a little bit about her perception of him, and honestly I was quite shocked by what she had to say. I never expected her to tell me that he was trying to change his behavior and was doing better than she thought he would. She told me that she believed he had hit rock bottom and finally realized exactly how bad his life had become.

I still had a lot of doubt about him and what he was doing, I seriously don't believe people can just do a 180 like that. My attempt to cut off all communication with him obviously had failed, and a dialog, though sparse, had begun. After some time went by I began going to his counseling sessions with him and agreed to attend his church with him once. I will admit that I have seen a change in his demeanor and attitude, towards me and others. I don't trust this change, and I take everything said or done with a grain of salt, but it is hard to ignore when someone suddenly starts putting your needs above their own and stops allowing their anger to control them. I wanted him to change for so long, but does it matter now or is it too late?

So far this unexpected change has been consistent and in just a few weeks he will graduate from his anger management class. Recently he began working out of a book called the Love Dare (base off of the movie Fire Proof), which is a Christian based book for learning how to lead your heart and choose to love your spouse. This has spurred some oddities that make me feel uneasy, but overall I have seen quite a bit of change in him while working out of this book (treating me with honor and respect being the biggest change). It seems like he has been sacrificing things that he used to hold as more important than me (smoking, video games, and computer time especially) that I never expected out of him. I don't know that last time he has even mentioned a video game, let alone actually playing one. He hasn't smelled of smoke in weeks and I've noticed his teeth are whiter and he doesn't seem to weak and out of breath anymore (the coughing is gone as well). He received money from family for his birthday, and he spent it on the last thing I would have ever expected...diapers for his child.

Is it all for looks and a big fat trick, or are these changed real? I am still not sure, but I find myself lowering my guard a tiny bit every week. We remain separated and I do not feel he has proven himself trust worthy given the short time frame in which we have even been talking. I will continue to take care of my children and myself, if he wishes to contribute fine, if not it that's also fine. I do not feel like I need him, and have a good deal of pride in that.

I moved back into our house and am doing upkeep as best I can. I can't say that I am meeting the bills with perfection, but at least I am trying. I would return to reviewing products for Eden Fantasys, but honestly can't afford internet at this point. Writing this in advance and posting it at a public internet source is the best I can do, and opportunity for just that is difficult to find.

My little family is doing quite well actually. My children have been thriving for one, and seem to be growing so fast. My youngest learned to potty train in just a couple days. The oldest girl struggled with this for so long, and after being dry during the day it took months before she could go all night. The youngest however, learned to stay dry in just a couple days and within a week was going dry all day and all night. I can't express how awesome it is to no longer have the expense of diapers.

I am still under a huge deal of stress with the financial situation I am in, but the depression has all but melted away. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts and am generally in an optimistic and happy mood. Every now and then I do feel down and blue, but it is short lived and not nearly so severe as it used to be. I am enjoying the warmness of the season and the yard work that is involved. Things are slowly improving for me, and I thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.

I will try to update sooner next time, just have been so busy. Later!

Goodbye, for now.

2009-01-11T07:28:00.001-08:00

Well, this is it. This is the big day. My last two reviews are submitted to Eden Fantasys, and I am packing to leave my home. I don't know how long until I get a place of my own, but I imagine it will be a while. I am going to live with my parents, and it is due time that I do. I know I must get out of this city and away from my husband if I am ever going to succeed in leaving him.

This is ripping my heart into shreds. I hate all the pain and cruelty, but yet the thought of losing him tears me apart inside. My head has been saying "run, dammit run, while you still can!" and my heart keeps telling me "remember the way he used to hold us? Remember the tears well up in those beautiful blue eyes as he said I was the only thing in this world he needed to be content? What if he could change someday? What if he changes and I miss out on it? What if the man I fell so deeply in love with is still in there somewhere?" I am finally having to tell my heart to shut the fuck up. I have allowed him to abuse me for so long because I was so desperate to gain his love and acceptance again. To be beaten wasn't too high of a price to pay to be held and caressed was it? But wait a second, why don't other women have to suffer in order to be loved? Why does this ever happen to any of us, that we put up with the pain for those few moments of intimacy and love, even though we know deep inside that he doesn't really mean it, that he will never really change.

I wrote a letter to him. Not a letter to the abuser, but to the man I still love and wish he could be again. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and to clear the air. I don't hate him, and it was important to me to be able to tell him that. I need him to know that he does not have me in fear anymore. I will not let him control me in any manner for one more second of my life. I am free. I sobbed so hard as I wrote that 6 page letter to him. I doubt it will mean much to him, but it feels good to me to get it out and be able to let go.

I will be grieving at my parent's house. I will cry a lot, and I will write in my journal alot. It will hurt, but I will get through it. I must grieve, and it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hurt, and it is okay to cry. Sometimes we must all cry.

To everyone who has shown me kindness, I give out a sincere and heartfelt thank you. Those of you who have encouraged me may have just saved my life. I have been so deep in depression that I have considered taking my own life nearly every day for the past year. I have sat in the bath tub in the middle of the night while everyone else slept, holding a knife at my throat trying to get up the courage to finally get it over with. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't live knowing how worthless I was. How could my own husband not find any value in my life? The only person who has ever swore to love me forever, cast me aside like a piece of trash.

I can not even describe how shocked I was to find the forum post on Eden Fantasys. At the core of who I am, I strongly believed I had little to no value as a human being. How could so many people say such nice things about me? Me of all people getting praise and being called an "asset?" I just sat there staring at my computer screen and cried. Do any of these people realise how much their words mean to me? I will never forget their kindness. It is because of the encouragement and love shown to me by these people that I am still alive and taking the steps to change my life and the lives of my two little girls.

The nights that I just wanted to disappear, you all made me laugh. You gave me something better to think about, you gave me something to brighten my day and pull me from the dark hole I was sinking into; whether you knew it or not you saved my life. I will come back to you all when I can, when I am safe, when I am on my own two feet once more. Thank you all, thank you more than I could ever express.

I am making final preparations to leave. Me, my girls, my cats, and what I can fit in the car. Everything else stays. I have never felt like this before. This is so painful, but yet it feels like a new beginning at the same time. I feel good that I am doing the right thing, but it still makes my heart ache. I will come back, I promise. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know that I will come back. I will come back better than ever, I promise you all.

My heart and thoughts go out especially to those of you who are dealing with abuse in your own lives, no matter what stage you are in or if you are already out. I will be thinking of you all, and I will continue to draw strength from your strength as I hope you can do the same.

Everything happens for a reason...I found the eden community hoping for a fun distraction, and I found my life. This is why we encourage and support one another, because you never know who is suffering in silince, who needs the compassion.

Thank you.

ToiBocks Review

2009-01-11T01:15:00.000-08:00

I loved the high end look and promise of discretion when I first laid eyes on the original ToiBocks. I can not tell you how excited I was to receive one from the good folks over at EdenFantasys.

Being the holidays, my package arrived a little later than scheduled. When it did arrive though I tore into it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Inside of the discreet shipping box was the product box of my new ToiBocks. Curiously, the box lists it as coming in three different colors: Dark Cherry, Golden Honey, and Black Licorice, though only the Dark Cherry seems to be available at the moment.

Inside of the box was a ridiculous amount of Styrofoam cradling my sexy new toy storage. Well, alright, you don't HAVE to use it for toys. This baby locks via magnetic lock, so it is handy for valuables as well as private items. Obviously when you open this up it becomes apparent that there is hidden storage under the top tray. The trick is that there is no visible lock, so even if people figure out there is a compartment in the bottom, they won't be getting into it.

More about the nifty lock on this product. The key is a round flat disc, metal with TB logo on one side, soft red velvet on the other side. All it takes is a quick swipe over the magic spot and the lock is undone. The key can easily stick (magnetically of course) to the metal logo on the inside of the lid. If you ever lose your key, you may simply ask ToiBocks to send you a new one (great reason to register your new ToiBocks as soon as possible).

I found the quality of this product to be just what I expected from the high price tag. Costing near $100, I expected it to be in excellent condition and flawlessly made; I was not disappointed at all. The finish on the wood in nicely done with no runs or streaks or thin spots. The shine is lovely, and the feel is silky smooth. The inside is covered in red velvet, and it looks just exquisite! I have no problem storing my diamond jewelry in the top tray of this, as it looks just as beautiful as my jewels. The hinges are smooth working, and the lock works perfectly every time for me as well. Little rubber feet are included that may be put on the bottom of the ToiBocks to protect whatever you set it upon, if you so wish. I did not put mine on, as I do not place it directly on other furniture but instead on a decorative runner.

When it comes to storage space, this is 11" x 7" x 6.25" or 41.25 cubic inches. With the tray in place the bottom compartment is 2.5" deep. I could fit a couple more toys into it if I so wished, but currently I am storing inside of it these toys: Smart balls, Clear ribbed G-spot wonder, Passion bullets dual, G-Spot Gemstone, Power penis vibrator, and the Vibrating C-Ring. Like I said though, there is room for a couple more toys. I imagine I could fit a couple medium to smallish dildos and a bullet or two. If you are not worried about people finding your stuff (which is kinda the purpose behind this) you could also keep a few toys in the top tray or else not even use the tray at all. Condoms fit perfectly in the two smaller compartments, and the larger area is perfect for cock rings or nipple jewelry.

Be aware that while this thing does hold enough toys to be functional, it serves best as a handy spot for favorites. I have roughly around 80 toys (no, I am not going to go count them all) so my collection is on the large side. I keep my smaller favorites in this, as it will hold neither my Hitachi or my Lone Star (damned big balls that it has barely won't fit).

Over all, I think this is a great product and I am excited to see the rest of the line of products from ToiBocks. This is an excellent product for people with children, nosy guests, or room mates. The ToiTissue is also for sale at EdenFantasys, and I have the overwhelming sense that I must own it as well :P

$99.99The original toibocks

Storage container by ToiBocks

Material: Wood

Safety:

Buy from EdenFantasys

Shit Face Must Die...Please?

2009-01-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.

Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.

I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.

Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.

Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.

Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.

I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.

I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...

I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.

That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.

I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.

Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex toys...so I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...

I should be in bed...sleeping.

2008-12-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

I seriously need to stop staying up so late. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer screen, and it is after 12:30 am. Why do I do this?! I am addicted to sex toys, I know that much. Most of my time online is spent drooling over countless toys that I can't afford. I could be in bed playing with myself, spraying my sheets with ejaculate...but no, I am sitting here.

Besides drooling over toys, I frustrate myself playing a web browser game called Ikariam. It is not a hard game, not hard at all. What frustrates me about it is how freaking long it takes to do anything. I am currently working on building up my governor palaces in order to create a new colony. I have spent over a week shipping resources to a town, then some ass tries to pillage said town. All that time wasted. Granted I am no push over in this game, and my score is 3 times what his is. He mysteriously has his upgrades maxed out and has a butt load of really good troops and ships...thing about this that is so weird is that he only has two towns; a marble and a wine. I know that he needs sulfur to build troops and ships, and I know he needs tons and tons of crystal glass to upgrade those troops and ships. He doesn't have the gold to be buying this stuff and his score is low. How did he get so much stuff without building up his towns and expanding like everyone else has to do? Is he one of the people who use real life money to buy virtual crap? If so, "ha ha ha on you sucker!" Okay, that wasn't nice. Seriously though, I can't think of any other way he has so much stuff.

What do I do about this small annoyance? Why, I build up my army and wipe his ass until he bleeds. MWA HA HA HA! I have forced people off of the server before; might as well do it again (why isn't there an evil grin smiley?). I upped my sulfur production to the max and am building troop and ships as fast as I can in all 5 of my towns (remember he only has 2 ;). Why is it so satisfying to crush people in virtual scenarios?

Back to toys again. I created my gift registry for EdenFantasys a couple days back. I have to admit, my registry is filled with awesome awesome toys. :D I am so Randy for the Randy by Vixen. I can't even express how badly I want to get my lusty little hands on that blue cock. So yummy looking. I love the colors of it, black and blue (there's a joke there somewhere, I can feel it ;) it is VixSkin!!! It has a suction cup base!!! and it is thick...think 2 1/4 inches thick...*drools uncontrollably* so delicious looking :) No surprise the thing is sold out...fuck, if I had the money I would have bought it as soon as it went live on the site.

Of course I added the Liberator Throe to my gift registry as well. Now that squirting is a common thing during my masturbation sessions, I really really (REALLY) need some way to protect my sheets. I used to have normal messy sex. I am pretty well lubed naturally, and tend to drip a little when greatly aroused. In addition to my own juices, I enjoy some added lube also. Sometimes I like something warming, silky , slick , or tasty. When my husband was involved he of course added his pre-cum and his squirt-cum into the mix. I used to think my sex was wet and messy. Ha! What a laugh. A towel folded in half used to take care of the mess back then; no longer is this the case. Now that I spray buckets of cum, towels just don't cut it anymore. Three towels folded in half do nothing but provide a bit of elevation so that I am better angled to spray cum over a wider area; thus defeating the whole purpose of having the towels there in the first place.

My gift registry contains many wonderful things. Most of them are quite expensive, but I also have some cheaper items as well. The warming and cooling lubes/gels for one, and the Night light condoms, as well as some nipple clamps. So many fun and exciting things. I could go on for hours just talking about them...until my wrists cramp up on me that is.

I've been talking to my husband more than I should lately (once is too much when it goes against a court order). I did a post recently about foreskin restoration. I had shared this info with my husband and he expressed interest in it. Last night I asked him if he had thought about trying it out, and he told me that he has been taping. Granted he isn't doing it every day, I was still pretty excited to learn that he is doing it at all. I hope he sticks with it and gains some foreskin even if he never reaches full coverage. I don't know why I am so excited over this when I don't even know if we will be getting a divorce or not.

Speaking of my husband, I have been craving cock like mad lately. I usually get super horny around egg poppin' time, but I just kicked Aunt Flo to the curb and I'm already craving his cock! What is the deal? I'm usually sort of horny (that's a lie, I am almost always extremely horny) but usually a toy is satisfying enough. I have been lusting after the feel of his flesh even after 4 delicious orgasms. It is driving me insane. I've started having erotic fucking dreams about him again. I wake up feeling exhausted (and oddly enough, still insanely horny) after 7 hours of sex dreams. Good thing we are separated, or else he would be sore and raw by now. My hormones may be a little wack right now...I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.

Cock skin...gone for good?

2008-12-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

What exactly does all that extra cock skin do? Every guy in the world is circumcised, right? WRONG! And for good reason. The foreskin isn't there just to look sexy...in fact, it is there for several reasons; the main one being protection. The foreskin helps to protect the glans (otherwise known as the "head") from cold, and rubbing. The foreskin also serves purpose during sexual activities. The skin slipping over the glans is reportedly amazing feeling, not to mention the wrinkles feel lovely to the vagina as well.

One thing I have to admit...I've never fucked a guy with a natural cock...never even been able to hold one in my hand, or gaze upon one that wasn't on my computer screen.

I had thought my husband's penis was gorgeous looking...little did I know it was actually disfigured by his infant circumcision. Now aesthetic damage is pretty common in snipped penises...it just isn't acknowledged by the medical community...after all, it doesn't show up until adulthood is reached and the penis has grown substantially. Some of the most common problems are scarring, skin tags, bridges, varicose veins, dry and rough glans, tight circumcisions, and hairy penis.

My husband is cursed with a huge varicose vein located on the top part of his shaft near the base, tight circumcision, a wrinkled lump of scar tissue in addition to the scar band around his shaft, a few hairs half way up his shaft (he plucks them, believe it or not), and a dry and very sore glans.

I thought most of these things were normal, because lets face it, cut cocks have scars, and the skin is usually pretty tight, and aren't really large penile veins to be lusted after? How did I learn these aren't normal then? I was doing general research on circumcisions mostly for the fun of it. I was curious what main arguments are against circumcision (I had previously only been aware the foreskin makes sex feel better for the man) and I happened to stumble upon some information about foreskin restoration.

How could it be possible to undo a circumcision? Well, its quite simple really; you "stretch" the skin. This is not difficult to do and is painless. You gently pull the skin of a flaccid penis forward until it covers the tip, then you tape it in place. As the penis relaxes it puts some strain on the skin, and as the skin is gently pulled the body naturally compensates and grows new skin. Just think about the stretching that takes place when ear plugs are used, or when you get pregnant (though that is much more extreme than this). Now don't be rushing out and buying cases of duct tape, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I won't list all the specifics of it, but instead provide a link to a place that provides more information at the end of this post.

The process takes a long time, 1.5-3 years from what I've read. Men do notice a great difference just after a couple months however, and after sufficient time are able to fully regrow their foreskin to the point it looks nearly identical to a natural penis. Of course the severed nerves can't be regrown, but getting some of it back is better than not having any of the protective skin.

I've wondered to myself, does fate have a little something to do with why I had two girls? Even just a year ago, if I would have had a boy, we would have gotten him circumcised...I would NEVER even consider having that done now...I know better.

I've discussed this with my husband. I've spent several hours over the phone telling him everything I know about this subject. I know regrowing his foreskin would be very beneficial to him. Oral sex and hand jobs are painful for him if not done carefully. His glans is so rough and sore that I would have to be very careful to not let my lips pass over it too often. Manual stimulation was even worse because hands aren't as soft as lips are. He sounded very interested in restoring his foreskin, though worried I would think it was ugly. I used to think natural cocks looked weird, but now I see them as healthy and sexy. Cut cocks just make me think of mutilation. My husband seems whole-heatedly to believe he will change his ways and heal the abuse. Admittedly, I can see that he is trying, but I'm not getting my hopes up over this as I've read the statistics. No matter how all that crap works out, I would like to see him repair his penis.

Now for the links I promised :)

Video #1 shows video and pictures of restored penises, plus some good info.
Video #2 shows a baby being circumcised, and was difficult for me to watch because of it, but I"m glad I did. Also includes some good arguments and info.

www.norm.org and www.infocirc.com both have some really great info and links to other sites.

Here is a direct link to a site that has pictures of botched circumcisions...some of these pictures are disturbing and difficult to look at...you've been warned.

Here is one man's photos during his restoration process.

Isn't it wonderful that men are able to restore some of what was stolen away from them as infants? I think it is, and I wish every man knew he had this option.

Any thoughts about the common complications of circumcision or the restoring of foreskin? I welcome any and all comments on the subject, so start typing!

Random Updates

2008-12-10T13:23:00.000-08:00

Well, no particular direction with this post...is there ever? Nah, I think not. Most of the time I ramble, sometimes I try to stick to a certain topic, but it always end up being a bunch of random crap strewn throughout that topic. I know, I have a "gift" for rambling...ain't I lucky ;)

First random update, 2 REVIEWS DONE!!! Yay!! My free assignment review for the Passion Bullets Dual is up. I submitted it this morning and it went up before noon...very fast Edan, very fast. I also submitted my review for a Description Program toy last night. It is a traditional vibrator by Evolved. Though not up yet, I'll link to it's page anyways. The Rhapsody. Hopefully it is up soon. Description toys take longer to post than free assignment toys in my experience. Random thought here...I am not getting as many toys from the program as I was. I think this may be due to having a couple toys late because of the whole mess in my personal life (yeah, the abuse and crap with my husband). At the very beginning I got a box of 5 toys. I was receiving two toys out at a time (kinda reminded me of Netflix actually, lol) with the new toys being sent out as soon as my reviews posted to the site. Now I am getting one toy at a time, and it is taking longer to be assigned a new one. I can't say as it bothers me, getting the toys less often that is. I have enough freaking toys as it is! I love getting new ones, but I honestly need some new storage solutions.

Second random update, I'm on twitter now! Yay! Not much to say about it really. I just got my account set up today and got a few people to follow. I will go and ad more later, or at least I'm planning on it.

Third random update, I've been knitting a lot lately. I am working on a stole in this hideous yellow color that is the exact color of breastfed newborn babies' poop...not joking at all. It was something my husband picked out for me to knit a shrug with, and um...I couldn't force myself to use it. I am almost done with the lacy stole (think wide long scarf) and perhaps I'll post a picture of it once it's done. I think it is easier to handle the yellow (oddly called "gold," never seen shit colored gold before...) in a stole than it would be in a shrug or sweater. I'm also working on a knit vest for my 2 year old nephew. It is turning out really well, though it is looking a bit wide-ish.

This brings me to another random thought...why are baby and toddler clothes all made for children who are as wide as they are tall? Looking at children's sizes though, they are built for little twig children. Am I missing something here, or do children go from being little cute blobs to skinny stick like people when they turn 5-6? I have ALWAYS had to put tucks in my children's clothes, so do most women I know (except one, and her little guy happens to be one of the chunkiest kids I've ever seen). My eldest has one child's XS shirt, and it is MUCH skinnier than her 4T size shirts...seriously...WTF?

Random update number 4, I've been on YouTube a lot lately. I know, I know...how lame is that. I have always been one to actually be on the verge of hatred when it came to youtube. The majority of people who comment on the videos are obviously a bunch of trolls and juvenile delinquents (or at least they like acting like it). The past few weeks I have found a couple channels that I actually do like and enjoy.

I've enjoyed some of the videos by SMP Films, particularly the Mean Kitty ones. Sparta has his own channel here is a link. I like kitties, and my orange kitty is a bitter just like Sparta. Some cute videos on there. Sparta chases video game characters on the TV, my kitty does that too. Funny thing is, he also chases people's hands on TV. He likes Barack Obama the best, I think it's because he makes lots of hand gestures when he talks. It is funny and cute to watch my crazy cat go bonkers over Obama's hands :)

My favorite channel on youtube has to be the JeepersMedia channel. That guy owns waaaaaaay too many toys (NOT sex toys, but actual children's toys, although some are tarted towards teens and adults). Some of his reviews are hilarious...seriously, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did over the Batman and the Tarzan toys as well as the spongebob thermometer (I love the song he made up for it, too funny). Watch them, you won't regret it.

Random update number 5, my husband is still bugging me. Why? Who knows honestly. He did get another job yesterday though, and today is his first day. Hopefully he can hang onto this one. Last job he only had for two weeks. The boss hired a friend so needed to fire someone, and he chose the new guy of course. I don't know, the whole deal is annoying at best. His hearing is on the 15th, with his actual trial date set for Feb 4th. I don't know what exactly I want to happen, but I have refused to go beg the prosecutor to go easy on him. So what if he gets a Misdemeanor? I think all people who commit PFMA's (Partner/Family Member Assault) should be Felons, hell, that's what it is for beating animals. Hurting animals is horrid, but why is it considered worse than beating people? Anyways, I am tired of living like this. Perhaps it will change someday...wonder if it'll be for better or for worse?

Wow, is that really all the randomness I have? No, I suppose not. I do want to review my bottle of Fizz lube at some point today. I still have a few toys to review. I need to look into getting something for storage. I can barely zip my FYN Adult Toy Chest (kinda pissed that I paid $95 for it and now it sells for $60 at Eden, what gives with the huge price drop anyways, and couldn't it have happened before I bought mine :( ), and I have three small boxes in my closet filled with toys, plus the Hitachi and four dildos (and 5+ bottles of lube) that sit on my nightstand. I really need to find something better.

Enough randomness for now. Naruto is distracting me anyways. I really should stop telling people that I like that lame show...lol

My first time

2008-12-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

I've heard of it, who hasn't? Browsing all those online "free" porn sites (all billions of them), I came across extreme examples. It was obvious it wasn't real, just as obvious as the 12 inch long cocks that have an obvious Penis-to-extension line. My curiosity was peaked however, and I asked myself "is it possible?" A few years later I happened upon the sex toy store EdenFantasys, and there was a forum post talking about it. Yes, I'm talking about female ejaculation.

I must admit I felt a little angry when I found out it was possible for female anatomy to ejaculate, but I never had. I tried for quite awhile after learning about it, and honestly just frustrated myself so much I would get angry thinking about masturbating. It had become a goal for me. I had orgasmed from dry humping, nipple play (a couple times, though I can't do it whenever I want), from hand jobs, oral sex, intercourse (both vaginal stimulation and specific G-spot), and anal sex. So why had I never "squirted?" I am not the type of person who is comforted by statements such as "few women are able to ejaculate" in fact I see it as a challenge.

I tried most desperately to squirt for a few months. I struggled with the relaxation part of it. I tried stimulating my G-spot by myself until both arms were stiff with pain, and I had my husband stimulate me until both his arms were stiff with pain. I went to great lengths to relax and stimulate myself into areas of pure bliss. Well, it didn't happen. I had a lot of really amazing orgasms and several hours of truly great sex, both partner and solo, but I never ejaculated. I finally just decided that I wasn't able to squirt. I threw in the towel and stopped the quest.

Some time has passed, my life has changed. My husband lives at the local homeless shelter, is jobless, and ordered by the court to have no contact with me. That whole mess is complicated, and I've posted about it before so I won't go into any details. The point is that I am not having regular sex. We have cheated and bent the rules resulting in a small handful of sexual encounters, but my sex is nearly all solo. During this time away from him, I have been able to finally relax and enjoy myself. There is no pressure to please someone else, and there is no pressure for me to perform any specific way. I can do what I want, when I want, in a way that feels best for me.

3:02am December 5th, it happened. I had went to bed around midnight. I had planned on just a really quick masturbation for a sexual release. I had received two new toys for review from Eden that day, so I set about the initial testing. I was quite pleased with both toys, and used the traditional vibe and the dual bullets in conjunction with each other for a very good orgasm. I'll admit, something didn't feel quite right. The orgasm had been very strong, but I was left with that nagging "not complete" enough feeling that I often get after sex. I grabbed my Lone Star dildo and spent the next 90 minutes enjoying the deep and relaxing sensual stimulation. I no longer cared about going over the edge, or even IF I orgasmed a second time...how could I worry about the peak of the mountain when the climb was so damn good?

I had lost all concept of time, in fact I was no longer aware of how late at night it was. I finished a second time, and while it felt amazing, the nagging was still there. I cleaned the toys with my spray on toy cleaner, and lay back in bed. I shut my eyes and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. The nagging was simply too strong.

My glass toy was within arms' reach, and I grabbed it. I plugged in my Hitachi Magic Wand, and flipped the switch onto "high." I winched a bit as I lowered the loud beast onto my sensitive bits, then I relaxed and let it take me into bliss. I felt like I was on the edge of orgasm, but it didn't come, and I didn't try to fight it or push it. I was incredibly wet still, and the smooth glass slid inside so effortlessly. I finally understood what it felt like to relax during sex, to truly relax and only feel...thought had no place in that moment.

I moved the glass dildo only slightly, in very small short thrusts that were more akin to a wiggle than actual stroking. The familiar sensation of needing to urinate was there, it always is when I make my g-spot happy. The sensation became rather intense, then it changed. I wouldn't say it faded, but more that it turned into a different sensation. It seemed that for the first time in my sexual life, I was aware of my urethra tube. I felt a pressure build within my g-spot and then the release. My body wanted to fight it, but I didn't allow myself to deny it, instead I opened up through relaxation.

There was no squirting that shot 6 feet across the room, in fact there was no squirting at all. I could feel the liquid running the entire length then come out. It was like a dam had been opened and all the hot fluid just flowed out. It was hot on my skin, and it seemed like it just kept coming and coming. Once it did finally stop, I could feel the muscle contractions surrounding my urethra and my g-spot area. It was strong, and it was deep. The nagging was gone, I was free.

I was still in a little state of shock, wondering if it really had happened. I sat up in bed and looked between my legs. There was a gigantic puddle underneath me. The wet spot was nearly 2 feet long and a foot wide. I couldn't help myself, I had to smell it, I had to know if it was truly cum or if it was pee. There was only a very faint scent, but it didn't smell like much...perhaps a little sweet smelling. It was very slick and actually felt a lot like lubricant. I tasted a tiny bit off my finger and it tasted like weak sugar water.

I was in a state of peace and ready for sleep. I folded a towel in half and lay it over the wet spot as I was too tired to change the sheets at 3:02 in the morning. I cleaned my two toys and put them away, then I crawled into bed. When I lay down, the cum soaked through the doubled over towel. A little annoyed, I took the soaked towel to the laundry room and put a new towel over the wet spot. I soaked the second towel thoroughly as well, and got a third towel to place over the wet spot during the night. I wish I had ejaculated into a measuring cup, just to see how much it actually was. I'm guessing it was a lot because it was my first time.

I wondered if this would be a one time only experience, but I have squirted a second time. This last time it was a little different. For one thing it took me about 30 minutes to get there, and I wasn't really worrying over it or even trying to. This time it did actually squirt though. When my husband comes the semen squirts out with quite a bit of force, and it does it in conjunction with the muscles contractions. My ex before him tended to dribble more than shoot. I heard both are normal, and so I had decided perhaps I was a dribbler after the first time, and now I'm wondering if I'm a shooter...it did shoot about 1.5 feet before landing on the bed. The second time I had a towel under me to catch the cum, but it wasn't enough.

I've decided perhaps a special sex blanket may be in order after all. I honestly thought the Liberator Throes were pretty, but completely unnecessary. Now I've decided that they actually may be worth investing in. I really don't like changing the sheets every time I masturbate. I do doubt I will squirt every single time I masturbate, but the second time was very easy to reach what I had found impossible before. It seemed like I was able to relax and release it at will once I was aroused and close enough to orgasm. The more I do it, the more likely it is that it will become easier to do.

There is some pride in saying "I am a gusher."

The toy I used both times to achieve ejaculation is the G-spot wonder.

Toys at Eden

2008-12-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

Things I've been drooling over at EdenFantasys.

I really want this sexy duo in time for XMAS (even though I'll be going solo this year)

clone it

What I desire the most

clone it

I really need to get my hands on the Pure wand. I have been wanting this toy for so long, and after seeing my husband's Celtic I have been dying to get my own steel toy. Ah well, we can't always have everything we want.

I went to request a buyout assignment, and got the message that I can't request an assignment while I still have one waiting to be reviewed. Not sure what the deal is there, but I was a little bummed out about it...obviously though, other people are able to get buyout assignments while they have a free assignment out...just not me. Bleh. I'll wait a day or two then try again in case it is just a weird glitch. What I have coming for free review (just shipped, YAY!) is the Passion bullets dual. What I was wanting to get via buyout assignment is the Lockable sex toy case in black. Oh well. I have enough commission to get it too.

Speaking of commission, I posted my partner code 9v3 on a couple websites. I am not really expecting anything to come out of it, but I gotta say any little bit really helps. I don't have extra money to buy toys right now, so the only way for me to do so is when I get commission (IF I get commission that is).

As a final update, I did two reviews late last night (think 1:00 am). I reviewed the Sliquid sizzle like planned, but also wrote up a quick review of the Liquid silk as well. I really like the Sliquid Sizzle, but I am totally in love with the Liquid Silk. I should review Sliquid Silk which is Sliquid's hybrid soon too, since it in nearly identical in feel to the Liquid Silk. I still have so many toys to review... Perhaps I'll get to another one tonight.

The odd one out, and proud of it.

2008-12-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

I was a little absent during November. Sadly enough I was in a really dark slump. I do think that friggin pastor had something to do with it. My husband (weirdly enough) told him he was just making me feel worse...so the phone calls from the minister have ceased. I am ecstatic over it...or I would be if I got ecstatic anymore.

So here I am posting twice in the same day. I am a little lonely (NOT, I am so lonely I feel like I am going to go crazy here...) and I've had some things on my mind lately.

First off, I've noticed that my experiences in all things sexual are contradictory of what everyone else says is the norm. Am I abnormal then? Ha ha ha, me, a little weird? Never ;)

How am I different? Well, something I hear and read about often is that a woman's sex drives fall through the floor while pregnant...mine went through the roof...both pregnancies. I dealt with being sick the entire time with the 6-7 months being the best. During all the time I spent pregnant, all I wanted was sex. My husband was having to hide from me I was making his cock raw with over use. I could never get enough sex during that time. After the baby came, surely I wouldn't feel like having sex then. Nope...sex was still on my mind constantly. Having had a cesarean I wasn't allowed to have sex for 2 months after the baby was born. During that time, I was so horny I was having wet dreams. It is rare for women to actually have wet dreams...dreams that are so erotic and sexual that they result in an orgasm. The postpartum period was the only time in my life I have experienced this, and frankly it sucked. The orgasms were very intense, and it hurt like hell in my post-surgery body.

Anal sex...yes I am one of those women who love anal sex. I always heard how dirty it was, and how taboo and sinful. My boyfriend in high school convinced me to engage in anal sex with him (after telling me my cunt was too lose for him and if I loved him I'd allow him to ram my ass instead). This boyfriend was abusive to me emotionally verbally and sexually. I left him when he started kicking in doors and punching the wall next to my head... Anyways, anal sex with him was NOT enjoyable in the lest...not even a tiny bit. He was usually pretty good about slowing down if it hurt too badly (which it always did because he wasn't using lube and there was ZERO warm up time). However one time I asked him to stop and he refused. He held me down and raped me while I cried and begged him to stop. I can't even describe how badly it hurt, or how worthless I felt because of it. I was so ashamed I didn't even tell my therapist at the time. The first person and only person I told about it was my husband, that is until I started getting into reviewing sex toys and doing this whole blog thing (hasn't been very long actually).

Anal sex took awhile. It always carried so much shame and guilt for me. I still had it stuck in my mind that my vagina was loose and I was always paranoid that my husband was lying when he told me I felt great. After I told him about the rape and the things my ex had told me, he understood why I had such a poor image of my genitals. He started complimenting me about it more (obviously this was before he turned abusive). I refused to even let him give me oral sex until we'd been together for about 6 months. When it did finally happen, I was surprised at how good it felt. My ex before him thought oral sex on a woman meant using the tongue like a penis...I'm not sure he even noticed my clit. I was quite shocked by how good my husband actually was at it, and the comments he would make during made me feel great. He would stop once in awhile to kiss my legs and tell me how great I smelled and tasted.

After I confided in him about my abuse and rape, he began being more vocal during intercourse as well. He began telling me how amazing I felt, that I was very tight down there. I slowly began to believe that he really did love the feel of my body. From all the sex I actually got pretty strong in my PC muscles. It got to the point where I was able to actually push his cock out. I felt very affirmed when I would squeeze on him during sex and he would have to actually strain to thrust because I gripped him so tightly.

As my confidence grew, and we became closer and more intimate with each other, I still had this nagging in the back of my mind. I had allowed my previous "lover" to penetrate me anally, but the man I loved so deeply had not been given that chance. I'll admit, he never even asked me about it. I brought it up. I asked him if he wanted to attempt it. His response was that he was completely satisfied with vaginal sex, but if I really wanted to, he would like to try it just once.

I didn't really do any research into the subject, but I knew that lube and a condom was needed (common sense really). I also knew from being subjected to using the "magic bullet" that bearing down is helpful. A side note about suppositories...I find it hilarious that there is a mini blender that bears the slang name of a pill for your butt :D With that aside now... I will admit, that for only relying on my own common sense and horrible experience from my past, we went about it correctly.

That first run didn't go like my previous experiences had. It was still fairly uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. I know now that the discomfort was because I was not used to having things go up my butt (let alone a full-fledged cock) and I was nervous and thus still a little tense. My husband did some complaining about the intense pressure on his cock, but otherwise seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't sure what to think honestly. I was so worried what his opinion would be that I didn't even try to enjoy it. I wasn't left sore though, so while it wasn't a complete success it wasn't a failure either. I will never forget what my husband said to me afterwards. "It was very tight, and I really liked it...but I would never chose it over your vagina." I felt very relieved, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about him demanding anal sex from me the way my ex had done.

It was about a year and a half later when we did it again. I wasn't sure why, but I was beginning to see anal sex as incredibly erotic. While we were having intercourse there would always be a thrill if he brushed up against my anus. I wasn't sure why, but I began craving his dick in my ass. I never confessed this to him, but there were a couple times I positioned myself so that his dick (covered with a condom) would poke farther south than he was aiming for. It was a thrill and I would get incredibly turned on by it, though I know he was annoyed with having to put on a clean condom... I didn't want to tell him I wanted to try anal sex again. I was afraid he would think I was dirty for wanting such a thing since we had previously agreed it was something neither of us desired or would seek out.

When I did finally ask him if we could try it one more time, he was a little reluctant, but he agreed. He was very good about warming me up. There was lots of oral sex and some fingering, we had intercourse for a little while until I started feeling that hunger in my ass. He slipped a condom on and we lubed up his penis and my ass. It was pretty tight going in, as I wasn't used to the penetration. The discomfort didn't last very long. Once he got in deeper and started doing very shallow and deep strokes, I felt something I hadn't expected. I felt a very intense sense of pleasure in my anus and up in my rectum where the head of his penis was stroking. It didn't take long until I was in the throws of a very intense orgasm. I wasn't using anything on my clit or in my vagina, not even my hands.

My husband was very shocked as was apparent when he asked "are you really finishing?" I was just as surprised as he was. I never expected it to feel THAT good. My husband never liked anal sex as much as vaginal sex, but there was no denying that he loved giving me those super powerful orgasms. I have been hooked since that time, and have gotten so used to anal sex that my body opens up freely now. All I have to do for warm up on anal sex is put some lube there and my ass sucks the cock right in. Double penetration is a mind blowing experience for me, but that is a whole different post ;)

So, I had always heard that women can not orgasm from anal sex. Men enjoy very powerful orgasms because of prostate stimulation. Where women are concerned however, there is nothing there to stimulate and the G-spot is not easily access through the rectum and vaginal walls. My most powerful orgasms come from anal sex however. I do not need my clit or vagina even touched. I do not feel it in my G-spot either. Different muscles contract with an anal orgasm, and it is deeper and more satisfying for me than clit orgasms or even G-spot orgasms.

Another thing that is different with me, women don't like to swallow cum. Yes, I know, this probably is a little weird, but I can't imagine not swallowing. I don't usually use flavored lubes because I love the way my husbands penis tastes and I don't find the taste of his cum offensive in the least either. He almost never asked for oral sex, but I loved doing it for him. He didn't care much, but I could take him in until my lips pressed his pubic bone. It really hurt me when after the abuse got pretty bad that he would no longer allow me to give him oral sex.

I've heard that the glans (head of the penis) is not as sensitive in circumcised men as it is on men who are not cut. I read tips on giving the perfect hand job, but received pretty bad results when I tried them out on my husband. Turns out his glans is extremely sensitive on his cut cock. Advice for great hand jobs almost always tell you to focus on the glans, but doing this actually hurt him. During blow jobs I had to be careful to not slide my lips over the head too often and during hand jobs it was best to avoid the head altogether. I thought maybe it was because the lube wasn't slick enough and he was receiving too much friction. Super slick lube did help to not tug the skin on his shaft as much, but it didn't help with the sensitivity on his glans. I had to disregard all advice I had gotten and learn how to please him with minimal contact to the head of his penis...trust me, this is trickier than it sounds.

Okay, this post turned out longer than I was planning. That tends to happen often I'm afraid...oh well :)

Perhaps I'll churn out a review before bed...I think it's about time I review one of the products I bought a few months ago. Sliquid Sizzle perhaps? Yes, I think I just might...

Christmas gloom

2008-12-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about Christmas...how could I not with black Friday coming and going by in a flurry? I did not go shopping until after 4:00 pm Friday, and that was only because my in-laws insisted on getting presents for my girls. I would have just stayed home and avoided all the craziness if I could have.

I used to love Christmas time as a child. It was a time of joy and laughter, family and friends, and presents and sweets. Now I dread the holiday. I think of all the stress of finding a gift for each family member and close friend and hoping they like it. There is the expense too, and that is what is killing me this year.

Year before last I made a knit poncho for several of my female family members. A blue one for my mother, a gray one for my sister, and a burgundy one for my niece. Now the yarn I used was not cheap, and each poncho put me out around $45 in yarn alone. I spent about a week working on each one (I put in at least 5 hours every day during nap times, after bedtime, and when ever the TV was on). The ponchos turned out beautifully, and I had plans on buying yarn to make one for myself but it never happened. I had some left over yarn from making these three ponchos that just sat in with all my other scrap yarns. I decided to get it out and make a poncho for myself out of these left over bits. My niece came over to visit while I was working on it, and she commented what nice yarn it was. Then the words came out of her mouth..."you should make a poncho like this for me." I actually bit my lip to keep from screaming at her. I was way beyond irritated and standing on the fence of rage. I had spent quite a few hours of my time and more money than I usually spend on extended family, to make that burgundy poncho for her...guess she didn't like it though...since she forgot about it completely.

So besides the stress of trying to find the perfect gift, I always have that scenario of her forgetting what I gave her even after seeing something nearly identical. It is just one more thing to nag at me during the December holidays.

Best present I ever gave was to my husband. I have given nicer gifts, but I was able to give him something he wanted without him figuring it out until he opened it. I had bought Gears of War for him and wrapped it up inside of a shirt I also bought for him. I left the shirt out where I knew he would bump into it, then after he saw it I took it and hid it. When he asked if I bought him a shirt for Christmas, I said yes (I had after all...even if I didn't tell him it wasn't his real gift). He was visibly disappointed from learning I had got him a shirt. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when he unfolded the shirt and the game fell out. The hardest part was trying to come up with reasons why we shouldn't buy the game before Christmas. He was constantly showing me articles in magazines and new screen shots online. Ha ha, it was worth it though. Every other time I didn't even try to hide what I had gotten for him, so he was really caught off guard.

I must admit, the thought of Christmas this year is much more depressing than it has been in years past. I still hate the stress of shopping in large crowds (I swear every person in the state goes to the same damn stores I do when I do) and there is absolutely no money for gifts this year either. Those aren't the things that are bugging me though. This year will be different because my husband and the father of my children won't be here. Our family is fractured, and it is glaringly obvious during holidays.

I'm not sure I'll even drag out our tree and put up. I know the girls would like it, but I really don't want this stupid 7 foot looming tree of gloom in my living room. I know it would only remind me of how bad things are for us right now.

I hate watching TV because of all the couples that are shown. I hate being in public and seeing two people hold each other. I lay in bed at night and fume with anger. He stole so many things from me, and I hate him for it. I was happy and my life was everything that I had ever wanted. Sure, we were broke most of the time, but that never mattered to me. I had a man I loved and who loved me, and we were starting a family together. Our daughter was born 2 weeks before Christmas, and even though I still hurt incredibly bad from the cesarean, it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. Why did he take that away from me? Why was our love cast aside like trash? The most important things in my life was my marriage and my family...he has torn those away from me. Through abuse, he severed my family and ripped my marriage into shreds. He never had the right to destroy my dreams and my happiness.

So what I'm thinking about this year are all the things I don't have. No more evenings sitting on the couch sipping hot cocoa and talking, no cuddling together in the cold of Montana winters, no lazy winter days as lovers. All of that is gone. Now I sit on the couch alone, wrapped in my afghan being reminded of all the times it held both of us. I wake up at night cold and shivering, and there is no warm body there to help me stay warm, instead I have to get another blanket or just shiver.

When I am sitting, wrapped in my afghan, I am mad. I cry hot tears of burning anger. I am so angry at him...he stole what I cherished most in this world. How can I ever forgive him? I don't think there is a worse offense he could have committed against me. Burn my house down, take all my money, break my legs, kill me...but don't ever take away my love and safety. Nothing could have hurt me more than having my husband ripped out of my arms. It still hurts when I realize all over again that I lost my husband. The kind and gentle man who loved me and intertwined his heart with mine is gone...he is gone and all that is left is a monster who is hateful and mean, but looks exactly like him. I am still deeply in love with my husband...but I hate the man who looks like him with every fiber of my being.

I think of it as if this man murdered the man I married. They are nothing alike. It is too painful to think that the hand that threatened to beat me to death is the same hand that used to caress my face so tenderly. The eyes that used to well with tears while he expressed his love for me couldn't possibly be the same eyes that filled with hatred and rage towards me. It just don't seem possible that the kindest most loving man I've ever met could be the same man who towered over me with a hammer in his hand telling me I deserved to die. I just can't accept it is the same man. My husband is dead, and I don't know who this asshole is who is pretending to be him...but I hate him.

I am doing everything in my power to ignore Christmas. I keep my curtains closed at night so I don't see the neighbor's holiday lights. I don't watch the news because I don't want to see anything that has to do with holiday shoppers or the holiday. I am pretending it is still October. My daughter turns 4 in just 5 days...I am ignoring that too. How do I acknowledge that her father won't be here to celebrate with her? She is our child, we created her together in an act of love...and now he isn't even here to witness her growing.

The only thing I'm looking forward to this Christmas, is it finally being over.

Hot headed in paradise

2008-11-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

If you're involved in the online world of sex bloggers, or visit the forums at Eden Fantasys, then you are probably aware of a fairly recent small security leak.

I have chosen for the most part to stay out of this, and honestly I don't see, for the life of me, why so many people are so upset. The document that went public had some info about 60 bloggers on it. I won't go into all the details and type everything here, instead I'll just direct you to a letter from the owner, entitled Security.

The thing that gets me is that this was such a small scale leak, and it was only available to the public for 10 minutes. It was removed and deleted as soon as the breach was discovered, and while eden could delete all posts made about the topic, they have not. I have had information lost by extremely large businesses in the past (think one of the 3 largest banks in the nation) and I did receive a letter of notice a week after it happened...there never was an apology and it included all of my banking history with them, including my address and name, bank account numbers and social security number. Same thing when the government lost the information of my VA husband...no apology and two weeks for a letter of notice.

Are all of these sex bloggers as vulnerable as they think they are? How many followers does it take to be "popular?" I'm sorry, but anything under 1000 is a VERY small number of people, and the likely hood of any of them living anywhere close to you is very slim. People who tend to get stalkers are exposed to way more people than sex bloggers. I'm sorry, but I don't see why people with a handful of readers are so pissed about their addresses getting out. And yes, I do realize that I have a very very small number of visitors to my site.

I'm not saying that there is no chance of these people having stalkers, and the concern is real...it's just been blown out of proportion. Very few people saw the document, and very few people even know who those 60 people are. I have not seen very much in ways of level headed judgment during this.

For example, eden states that an email concerning the issue will be sent out to those who were on the list. People then get pissed when they receive the email and it does not state directly "you were on the list." Why did eden send out the email in the first place? Probably because of all the super pissed people who were ranting in the eden forums...people who had read an email would be sent out to those who had been effected. After the uproar over the email not stating "you were on the list" eden staff replied saying once again, the email was sent out ONLY to those on the list, so if you didn't get one, you weren't on it. I thought it was pretty clear from the get go...so why are people still pissed over this?

It was a mistake, no it shouldn't have happened, but it did. Everyone should be thankful it was on such a small scale and was dealt with so quickly. People are pissed because it wasn't handled "right." I'm beginning to think that nothing would have been good enough to satisfy the people who were outraged over it. Eden has apologized repeatedly, they deleted the document as soon as they found out it had happened, and they have been working around the clock to make sure it never happens again all the while trying to deal with all the heated and negative comments being left on the forum...what else could they possibly do? Are the bloggers who were on the list expecting monetary compensation in addition to the free toys they already received? Hell, my bank never even said "we're sorry this happened!"

The whole deal reminds me a lot of little kids on the playground fighting over who gets what toy. It starts out as "I'd like to play with that" and before long it has turned into screaming, hair pulling, biting, and shouts of "MINE!" I think this small leak has been blown WAY out of proportion. It happened, it was fixed, and steps are currently being taken to ensure it never happens again...ITS OVER!!! Why continue being mad? It is over with and eden has been much kinder than they had to (or should have).

Are people sitting back being silent observers? Perhaps many people just DON'T FREAKING CARE! I don't care about it, because there is nothing to care about. It is over with, and I can see absolutely no sense in beating a dead horse...it ain't gonna get up and start running again! (and no, I do NOT advocate hurting animals). I'm confused why people are still dragging this out. What's the point in staying pissed over it? Kinda like the whole deal concerning AAG, why were so many people so pissed over something that was honestly none of their freaking business? I don't feel that any of that should have been displayed out in front of the world, kinda like I feel the person who first discovered there was a security leak should have notified eden instead of spreading the link around asap.

I have had some communications with Fred before this whole thing happened, and due to a family tragedy (my husband trying to kill me) I did not respond (still meaning to email, just haven't done it yet). All I saw was that he cares a lot about his business (like anyone in his position would) and he seemed very courteous and level headed. I honestly think Eden has done a fantastic job in spite of all the crap from people in the community and sex bloggers who were involved.

Well, that's how I see this mess. I know lots of people disagree, but that's okay :) I just think it's time to let the smoke settle instead of continually stirring it up again...Please! I'd like some fresh air for a change. What about you? Tell me how you see it (post anonymously if you'd like, I don't care). Do you think it should be allowed to die out so we can all move on? Or do you enjoy the smoke?

Illegal sex is HOT sex!

2008-11-26T00:58:00.000-08:00

Illegal sex...what exactly does that mean? Well, most of the time it means rape or statutory rape, but what I'm talking about is sex with someone the court has ordered to stay away from you. Yes...I had sex with my abusive husband. Stupid I know. I couldn't help it, I get soooooo feakin' horny when I ovulate. I have had sex with him three times during the past couple weeks.

The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.

We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.

Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.

I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.

I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.

Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."

Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.

I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :D

The Pastor from Hell

2008-11-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am still wishy washy...My resolve for divorce has waned again. I have been bouncing between wanting my husband to get help and just wanting a divorce. I am back to wanting it to workout again, despite knowing that only 3% of abusive men ever change (or so I've heard from counselors in the past).

My husband had been talking with a pastor...the title kinda gives this away...any who, said pastor called me two weeks ago. I had thought my husband talking to a minister would be a positive thing...turns out it wasn't. I have never talked to a pastor before who claimed to be the smartest person on the face of this planet...well, now I have.

This guy knows that I've been in an abusive marriage for nearly 4 years, so you know what he proceeds to talk about? He questions my salvation. The phrase "you claim to be a Christian" came up more times than I'd like to count. He asked me what I believed the gospel meant, I told him, but obviously I'm too stupid to understand it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm going to hell and that I don't love God. WTF? He does not know anything about me, he doesn't know how I live my daily life, or what the condition of my heart is. At least I know I don't go calling up battered women and tell them how worthless they are and they are doomed to hell. This guy is no man of God, but I think he thinks he is God. His attitude is exactly what the Bible says should not be. He is judgmental, condemning others, talks his own praise, says others are stupid...all thing the Bible plainly says are wrong.

This guy focused on the part in the Bible that talks about the woman being submissive to her husband but he totally skipped over the part about the husband serving his wife as Jesus served the church. It's because of guys like this why many people hate Christians or think they are all bigots. I think he is hateful, prideful, and a definite sexist (which the Bible DOES NOT teach). He makes me sick. I am not worthless, even going off of the Bible alone I have great worth. If God is all knowing and all powerful, how could something he created and loves dearly be considered worthless? The Bible says God loves all people, but hates some of the things they do.

This guy gave me an example of how wrong my behaviour is, which by the way, he knows nothing about me and has never even met me in person. He told me that if a child disobeys the parent, that is solid proof the child does not love the parent. This really scares me, because this guy is a parent of 3 children under the age of 3. How could any person with a child be THIS freaking ignorant? Children disobey because it is in their nature, it is how they learn. It has nothing to do with their love...NOTHING! Just because my daughter refuses to pick up a toy, does not mean she doesn't love me. Anyone who has spent any time with small children should understand this simply from observing them play. It's like saying I wouldn't love my child if she spilled her Kool-Aid on the floor. Geez...how could someone be so out of touch and get these radical and stupid ideas out of the Bible when they aren't even there? This guy seems to pick a few words out of a verse and twist the meaning on it to suit what HE wants.

The biggest area where this guy is screwing things up, is with his beliefs on depression. He thinks depression is a matter of the heart and therapists are all atheist. He basically said that therapists that "claim" to be Christian are going against God. He also referred to antidepressants and talk therapy as "bandages" that only mask the problem but don't heal it. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he was a fucking idiot. There I sat with steam coming out of my ears, and so pissed my face must have been bright red. I didn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him off more than anything, but my lack of confidence wouldn't let me openly question him.

I was so pissed when I learned that my husband has been wanting to get into therapy and this ass is telling him not to. This pastor actually told my husband that he wouldn't help him at all if he went to anyone else for help. He told my husband to go off of his antidepressant medication and told him not to go to anger management or domestic abuse classes. There have been signs that my husband might actually change...mostly that he has been accepting responsibility for what he did. His crying doesn't change my mind at all as it has been a manipulation tactic in the past. It's the "I know you aren't at fault for what I've done" comments that really get to me.

I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my husband has not been getting help. Is this all a farce and he never planned on getting help? Or is it that the "pastor" was really holding him back so badly? I haven't gotten any of my info on the pastor from my husband. He has called me twice and all my knowledge about what has went on between them is straight from this guy's mouth. I do know that he has been threatening not to help my husband if he gets therapy. I also know the ignorant shit he told me. It is a real possibility that going to this guy is the reason why my husband is not currently in any therapy and living at a homeless shelter (no joke, he really is living at the local homeless shelter until he can make enough money to support our current bills AND an apartment).

Thankfully my husband finally pissed off the pastor by questioning his beliefs about depression and treatment. I'm hoping this means he also leaves me alone, but that may just be wishful thinking. We are still talking on the phone some, and I had suggested a church to him that has been recommended to me. We can't go to the same church because of the no contact order (which we are ignoring by talking over the phone, but it isn't as obvious as being seen together in public after all). Anyways, he has attended the Thanksgiving service at this particular church and received a lot of encouragement from the assistant pastor and some of the congregation that he has spoken with. I don't know to what point he has informed them about the situation, but I know he has discussed the abuse with the pastor and has a meeting set up to speak with him further.

This new church that he is attending is a community focused church. This means that instead of sending missionaries to Africa or India, they help out in the community and minister to people in need here. I think that is probably one of the best places he could seek help from right now. His ex-pastor had a "do what I say to prove you are good enough, then I might help you" kind of attitude where this pastor has a "let me help you" attitude period. I'm hoping some positive things happen as a result of this.

I see that the ownership of what happened is there, and I see that he really gets what he has lost and how much better his life was back before he became abusive. The biggest problem is that so much of the abuse became second nature to him. He didn't stop and think about it, he just said the hurtful things automatically. It would take a lot of hard work to reprogram himself to think of me and consider me before opening his mouth. I know he has a lot of problems...but nothing justifies threatening to hurt someone or saying hurtful things consistently throughout the day. I think he has the building blocks to change, it's just that I don't know if he is willing to do the work that it would take to undo all the bad behavior and replace it with good and positive behavior.

Right now he is taking his antidepressants (he hasn't picked up the 2nd generation one yet because of lack of money, so it's just the Welbutrin XL that he's on now) and he is going to church and reading two books about healing from domestic abuse and changing the bad behavior. I know staying at the homeless shelter is something that he really didn't want to do, so I am a little impressed that he has been staying there. He also got a much better job, although he has to yet sell his first car (yes, he is a used car salesmen...those guys make better money than one would assume actually...). He has only worked there a few days though, and he does have several sales lined up where he is just waiting on the other people to get their financing approved from their bank or similar situations.

I know he has been thinking some about what things used to be like between us. He has brought it up when we've talked over the phone. He told me that he had forgotten how he used to feel towards me, and says that it is a big shock to think about exactly what it was that he lost by being abusive to me. I don't want to have false hope, but I can't help from thinking that he is starting to see how badly he fucked up his life.

Time will tell what happens here...I just really hate all the waiting. I am very thankful however that he is done with talking to that demented minister.

Super long post...

2008-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.

I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.

No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.

I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.

My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.

Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).

It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.

Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.

I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.

I looked online (match.com actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.

I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.

If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).

I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about lying...it just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.

My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.

Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.

I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.

The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care though...at least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.

I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.

Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.

Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol

I've got nothing clever here...

2008-11-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

My brain is pretty fried. Maybe it was all the candy I sucked in over Halloween, perhaps it twas the head cold I contracted, or most likely, both combined. My brain isn't working right though, I know that much. I sit and just space out...kinda like I'm doing now.

I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.

My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "Power Penis" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...

The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like this, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.

My brain is still fried...so I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)

The stress diet

2008-10-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning. Me with my frizzed bed hair, my puffy swollen throat and my red sore nose, all hunched over and pathetic like, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Clothed in only my stretch marks and scars, I gasped when I saw what it read. 188 pounds. Three weeks ago I weighed in at 203 lbs.

I would say that this is the time I've lost weight the fastest. I guess that's what happens when you vomit several times per day and are shaking too badly to eat anything. My first week went with me eating virtually nothing. There were days I didn't even manage to get down an 8 oz glass of water, other days I managed to force a spoon full or two of food down my throat. It was horrid, probably one of the most nerve wracking times in my life. The second week I was managing to eat almost half as much food at each meal as my children would eat. This third week I am actually eating as much if not a tiny bit more than my children now.

In 3 and a half weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I would not suggest trying this, as it is about the unhealthiest way to loose weight I can think of besides purging after every meal. I don't feel very good either. I have been really tired and weak and have not been sleeping very well either. My motivation has really sunk through the floor.

Now that I've begun eating a little better, I got sick! Yesterday morning I felt like I had tried to swallow steel wool and razor blades the way my throat felt. I did nothing besides lie on the couch and try to drink lots of hot liquids. My throat was all red and swollen and it only got worse as the day went on. By last evening the mucous had started sliding down my throat making things worse. Blowing my nose produced bright yellow snot...not exactly a good sign. I've always been told that any other color besides clear means a doctor visit...but seriously, like I can afford that right now. If it turns green or bloody then I'll think about going in for it. A little sinus infection never hurt anybody...right? he ha, lets hope it doesn't get worse.

Last night I had fever dreams...ugh, they were horrid. I dreamt I was homeless and living in a shelter, only it looked like it had been taken straight from a Mad Max movie. I walked outside and was going to go to town to find a job, when bugs started biting me. I looked at my right arm and there was a beetle looking thing trying to burrow into my skin. I squeezed it out like a bad zit and as I did it released some yellowish looking foam onto me. The yellow stuff bubbled up on my skin then did like acid and burned a bloody hole through my skin exposing muscle and bone. I looked over at my left arm and saw all these huge bloody sores and I could see the bugs buried deep within them. Then the yellowish foam was released again and it started burning all the flesh off my arm leaving ragged hunks of hide and destroyed muscle with bone exposed. I screamed and woke up.

The dream had been incredibly vivid and lifelike. When I woke up I was lying in a puddle of sweat in the sheets. I was shaking and really upset still. All my worst nightmares have bugs or worms in them. I think the only one I've had worse than this one was the dream where maggots were crawling around underneath my skin and doctors had to cut my skin off and scrape all the maggots off of me. Why do I have dreams like this? Couldn't I just have normal dreams? After last night I can't believe I was complaining about the sex dreams I had about my husband. I'll take those over nightmares any night. Ick...ick, ick ick. Bug dreams suck.

I have so much to do, so many people to call. I have been avoiding talking though, with my throat as sore as it is. I have some numbing cough drops, but I hate using them because then I'm worried about what damage I'm doing to myself while numbed. I got a summons for jury duty...of all the freakin' times to get it, why the hell does it have to be now? I know they won't pick me, the whole my husband being arrested for a crime against me thing...but still, why do I have to go in for them to tell me they don't want me? My mom wants me to call and talk to the court house, but I've been putting it off. I have a serious thing against talking on the phone to people that aren't friends or family. I get that from my dad, no secret there that he hates talking over the phone too.

It is weird to think that I only have 38 pounds left until I reach my goal for weight. I've lost 47 pounds so far since I first started dieting at the beginning of this calender year. 8 more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when I got pregnant the first time. 150 is what I was when I met my husband and got married, 125 when I was in high school, but that was underweight for my height. I think 150 is a good goal weight for me, it is the healthy weight for a woman 5'8" with average bone structure after all. Once I reach 150 I'll see how I feel and if I need to tone up or build muscle then I will. Right now I'm not worrying about it too much.

I am sick and feeling like crap...think I'll go take a nap for a couple hours until my daughter gets home from preschool. I had better be over this by the weekend...I will be uber pissed if I can't go visit my folks and get my kitten.

My first GLASS dildo!!

2008-10-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, I finally did it. I requested to review a glass dildo from EdenFantasys. I must say that it is a gorgeous looking dildo. I tried to pick something that wasn't too expensive but had zero reviews OR customer comments. I ended up picking the Clear ribbed G-spot wonder. It looks like it has an amazing shape to it, and the little nubs looked like fun. I want to try a glass dildo that is smooth and one with a swirled texture too at some point, but I wanted to start with the nubbed variety first. There are a couple glass dildos I have been lusting after for quite sometime, but I just can't force myself to ask eden to send me a free toy that costs over $200. In fact this dildo will be the most expensive free toy I've received from them.

The buyout option is awesome, let me tell you. I haven't purchased anything with it yet, but I will use that when I finally do purchase my dream dildo the Prince Valiant. I have never seen anything more sexy or stunningly beautiful in my life. I choke up at the $330 bucks it would take to buy it however. I have promised myself that once I am enrolled in college that I will save up money and buy this dildo for myself. The Prince Valiant is to be my reward for getting my independence back. I can't think of a better reward than this amazing piece of art. I think I will buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the day I order my reward...it is just that awesome of a dildo. Once I do have it, I'm not sure if I'll go hide it in my bedroom with the other toys. That looks like the kind of thing you would have in an expensive display case where everyone can marvel at it's beauty...but I would like to use it too so that may shoot that down ;)

Anyways, I am super excited to get the glass dildo. I will be leaving for my parent's place this weekend, so hopefully it comes before then. The delivery date calculator says it will come on Friday, so I'll most likely get it on Thursday. No matter when it comes I will wait until I've gotten it before I leave my house for a few days. There is no way I'll leave a box on my step over Halloween...too likely it would get stolen or smashed. I would hate to see anything happen to my first glass toy besides. I can't wait to get my greedy little hands on glass :D

I LOVE EdenFantasys!!!!

2008-10-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's true...I love EdenFantasys. I missed out on the I Trust Campaign as far as writing a piece for the forums, but I wanted to say on here why I love those people so much.

Through my separation they have been incredibly understanding and responded very quickly to me. It was very hard for me to focus and I couldn't get reviews out as quickly as usual, but they were understanding about it. I sent them a message to let them know I would no longer be able to review male specific or couples' toys, and I got a kind reply message the very next day. In fact I have always gotten very quick and polite replies to my messages to edenfantasys, no matter if they are in system messages or emails.

Everything is fast, not just the replies. When I request an assignment through in system messaging I get a reply within 24 hours and often it is assigned the very same day I receive the reply message. For example late last night I sent a message requesting a very nice looking glass dildo. This morning I had a message stating it was approved and assigned. I went and looked, and sure enough, there it sat in my assignment list. I accepted it and about 30 minutes later received an email alerting me that it had been sent to shipping. I don't know these people, but I can tell you that they have impressed me with their quickness and politeness in all areas. I know that once the dildo is shipped it will be packaged carefully like all my other packages have been and it will arrive in two to three days. Shipping is a big deal for me. I like that it's discreet, but I love that it's fast. I live all the way across the country from the warehouse, so I am very impressed when I receive my toy 3 days from when I order them.

One reason why I stay at eden's is the amazing community. Throughout this whole separation deal I have received words of wisdom and encouragement from fellow community members. Now it might not be a big deal to some people, but this means the world to me. I am proud to be part of such a positive and kind community. Everyone has been so helpful and the forums are a great place to get information, tips, advice, or just to hang out and chat.

I have to mention the sorting features too. I love being able to filter out jelly toys or just look for cocks of certain sizes, colors, prices, material, and safety. It makes it so easy to find the perfect toy! I love to just window shop at edens. I have spent hours looking through all the toys and deciding which ones look like they would be a great fit for me. This brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of eden's the reviews.

The reviews! The amazing reviews! I don't know how many times I've thought a toy looked good then read a couple reviews and decided not to waste my money. Of course there have been times I ignored the reviews and bought a product that I wanted to try despite the negative reviews it received. That is how I ended up with the climax bursts lubes, which I hated. The reviews were absolutely correct, and I should have heeded them. I have found some excellent toys that I might not have considered before when I read the excellent reviews for them. I found my favorite lube, Maximus, by reading reviews. I have made some very good and informed purchases based off of some very well written and informative reviews from fellow contributors. If after reading a review I have any questions, I can always leave a comment or send a message to that reviewer. I have made use of this system a lot, and it has often been the deciding factor in my purchase of that particular product.

So much to love about a great place. To all the people who run the site, you deserve a big HUGE KUDOS! Awesome job guys, for a fantastic site that is so helpful, informative, and easy to shop at.

Wibbly wobbly once more...

2008-10-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting again...one day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my forgiveness...my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette smoke...it doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...

Shitty days

2008-10-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

These past couple days have been shit. There was one day where I felt really great. I was on top of the world with everything working well. The next day I take my 2 year-old to her exam...guess what? she has a heart murmur. The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about since there's nothing we can do for it right now anyway. She is to go back in 2 weeks for some tests to find out how bad it is. I also will be taking my other daughter in as well so they can both be tested for lead poisoning. My oldest daughter chews...on wood...this house was built in 1949...not good, really not good.

The other horrible thing that has happened was my oldest daughter ran out into the street. We live on a really busy one-way street, so our doors are kept locked all hours of the day and night. Both girls can open the deadbolt locks, so we installed flip locks near the top of the doors where they can not be reached. My daughter pulled a dining room chair through the living room to the front door. She used the chair to reach the flip lock, drug the chair back out of the way, opened the door, and ran out and stood in the street. Both girls had been asleep taking naps, and I was in the back yard trying to get some yard work done. I have baby monitors, but she was quiet enough that I didn't hear her leave her room. A stranger stopped and grabbed her out of the street and brought her back into the house (she had left the door wide open) and alerted me. If that man had not stopped and helped my daughter, she would probably be dead right now. I can not begin to express how hard I shook from fright when I learned what had happened.

I have been thinking and trying to rack my brain as to why she would run out of the house like she did. Things have been pretty upset and different since my husband was arrested. The girls ask about him some, but the oldest daughter is the one who always asks "Daddy at work?" "where Daddy?" I know she misses him, they both do. Hell, as mad as I get at him, I still miss him. Change is hard, especially when they are too young to be able to understand what is going on or why. I have explained it best I can, trying to be simple and reassure them whenever I think they need it. I simply told my oldest daughter that Daddy has some problems that he needs to fix, and because of those problems he can't live with us. I assured her that he still loves her and that this has nothing to do with them as it is his problem and only he is responsible for it. So with that being upsetting for her, she was also angry about not being outside. We had been out in the yard earlier and she kept trying to go outside of the fence. I warned her that if she opened the gate one more time that we would go inside. Well, she opened the gate and went outside the fence, so we went inside with her kicking and screaming the whole way. She was very angry at me, and I put her in her room for a nap. She screamed for awhile and finally fell asleep. Both girls were down for a nap and I had a lot of work to do, so I went back out and got started.

I have not slept very well since that day. I worry every time I go into the bathroom or go into the basement where I can't see her constantly. I will buy some padlocks and latch things to put on both doors on the inside so I can lock up at night so she can't get out. I will need to keep the key on me at all times, and think I may just wear it on a chain around my neck. The padlocks was a suggestion the pediatrician made, and I will do it as soon as I get enough cash to buy the stuff to do it with.

Finding out about my youngest girl's heart murmur coupled with my oldest daughter running out of the house and all the stress and worry from the separation has really fucked up my emotions. I did not sleep last night. I couldn't sleep so I finally just decided to stay up and watch tv until I passed out. I finally fell asleep after 6:00 am until the girls got up around 7:30 am. I didn't do anything today. I didn't clean, I didn't shower, I didn't cook, I didn't do anything. We had cold cereal and sandwiches to eat today. I was so depressed and blue that I just lay on the couch and cried most of the day. Again I am up late. It is nearly 2:30 am the next day, and I still feel like I can't sleep. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, and it looks like it'll be the same story tonight.

I really need tomorrow to go well. I need to think of something fun to do, something uplifting and encouraging. Fuck...why does everything have to be so hard sometimes? I am ready for a good day again. Even if I don't sleep tonight, I will still go lie in bed and pretend to sleep. Maybe that will be more restful than sitting at the computer...ha ha, yeah right...

Finally starting to move forward.

2008-10-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.

I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that bright...no offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.

I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.

It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.

Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.

Alive and kicking, despite it all.

2008-10-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll admit it...I ran away from my problems for a couple days. I went to visit my parents and left all the crap and headache here. Apparently it was so nice as to wait for me. When I got home I discovered my internet was shut off. Of course that was Saturday evening so I couldn't do anything about it Sunday. Today I went and paid the internet company and they turned it back on for me...though I have no idea for how long. I will be behind again at the beginning of next month, and it's not like my husband is giving me any money for bills...or food for that matter.

I have had a drastic change in attitude this past week. I went from missing my husband and hoping things worked out to wishing he met with an untimely accident. It is very evil of me to think about it, but honestly things would be much better for me right now if he got ran over and died. Chances are that he will not change, meaning he will spend the rest of his life miserable and abusive. I will always have to deal with him trying to interfere and messing with the children's lives. Plus, if he kicked the can, I would get $250,000.00 from his life insurance. It is terrible that I have actually wished for his demise, but it is difficult to feel compassion for a man who has basically abandoned his wife and children.

We have no money for anything. Okay, that's not true. I have about $150 in cash for food and diapers. Who knows when I'll be getting any more money, so that is what I have to try and live on. He puts something into the account, then he withdraws and causes overdrafts. Within one week he had overdrawn the account TWICE!!!! In one week, he managed to screw the finances over. I am a little confused why he needs over half of the money, but me and the two children can live on shit? I am really confused, but aren't they his children too? Perhaps he doesn't care if they starve?

My general attitude now is that he can fuck off and die for all I care, as long as he leaves me and the girls alone. I do not trust him, nor will I ever trust him. I would have to be stupid to trust him after everything that has happened. Going back and thinking about our marriage, I am pissed off that he would think it okay to treat me the way he has. I actually believed no man would ever want me, I actually started to believe that I was crazy and had no right or place in life. I think now that he would be hard pressed to prove to me that I am not worth something. I am not the smartest, or the most talented, or the sexiest woman on the face of this earth, but you know what? I sure as hell am not the stupidest, or the ugliest, or worthless. I have worth...every human being has worth solely because they exist. Being born is enough reason to be priceless and cherished.

I've been thinking about moving on...about how hard it will be, but how exciting it will be at the same time. I can't describe how liberating it feels to know that I could find someone who wouldn't push me away all the time, someone who really would love and value me for who I am. Men like that do exist...it's just trying to find one who is available. Ha, I think most women could attest to that being the hard part...dig through the shit until you find a diamond.

I finally got my late review submitted today. I had been so out of sorts for a while, and hadn't got it done. I had made up my mind to do it after I got back from my mini vacation, until I got home and found the internet turned off. At least that's done and over with now. Now to review the cock ring for which I have no cock to try it out on...I guess I'll just put what I can, and admit that I don't have a cock :(

I've made my list for a man I would consider marrying. It is long, I'll admit it. Heck I might as well put it on here.

The Man I Would Consent to Marry...

1) must be intelligent enough to carry a witty conversation and be able to understand my jokes.
2) must have a healthy self-esteem and be confident of himself
3) must be able to take care of himself and be able to make large and small decision responsibly
4) must be polite and respectful to others even if his viewpoint does not match theirs
5) must be passionate about life and be able to be optimistic in times of upheaval
6) must have a gentle and loving spirit
7) must place great value on the trust and respect that I bestow upon him
8) must be honest above all else, even if it causes conflict
9) must hold family in high regard and be very committed to a peaceful and loving home life
10) must not discourage my faith or beliefs
11) must allow me the satisfaction of pleasing him WITHOUT the fear of constant rejection
12) must be able to see the "big picture" and not focus on small disagreements
13) must be able to love and accept my girls without showing blatant favoritism for his biological children, whether or not those children are with me
14) must be supportive and uplifting to me in times of need
15) must not swear at me or raise his voice to me or call me names
16) must end a confrontation if I begin to cry or show signs of defeat or fear, realizing that no argument is worth causing permanent harm to the relationship
17) must not ignore me or walk away while I am talking
18) must not knowingly cause me pain, physical or emotional
19) must be fun to be around and be able to laugh openly and honestly
20) must value kind gestures over expensive gifts
21) must be able to trust me completely without holding back

That's all :P

pluggin' away at life, one day at a time

2008-10-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

It felt good to get that stuff off my chest last night. I thought I would sleep better, but I didn't. I still miss my husband. I am hoping this gets easier. Some nights it gets so hard, I think about calling him. I know I can't though. I just keep telling myself that calling him would only make things worse...no matter how worried I get about him or how badly I miss him.

It is difficult trying to put myself and the children first. I've been the only person my husband has really had to count on, and it feels so foreign to me to consider myself before him. I've excused a lot of the emotional abuse from him because of his past. I've always felt so bad for him, being cast aside by his own mother...I never thought he would threaten my life though. I feel like no matter how hard I tried to help him, he just slipped through my fingers. Maybe he will make the choice to get better on his own. I don't know, but I've got to take care of myself and the girls before I can worry about anybody else, even if he is the father of my children.

I braved the snow and went grocery shopping. I was sneaky and did it while my oldest girl was in school. Just the 2 year old went with me, so that made it easier. Then comes the fun task of figuring out bills...bleh. I don't have enough money to make even some of the bills. I am prioritizing the car payments and insurance...so we can get the hell out of here if we have to. I still have to make up my list of all the bills, and figure out just how much debt there is. I am always the one who gets stuck with fixing the finances after he screws them all up. Geez, maybe I should go to college to be an accountant...if only I didn't hate it so much. lol

Anyways, I'd better stop stalling and get back to my life...one day at a time, I just keep telling myself, one day at a time and I'll get through this.

It's cold, and I'm thinking about the past.

2008-10-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

Cold and snowy Montana can really suck sometimes. I have been cold all day, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it will get much colder this winter. Today the temp was 30 when I checked. Montana holds two records for temp...most people don't know that. The coldest temp ever recorded in the united states was in Alaska at -82 F, the second was in Montana at -72...about 20 miles from where I live. Most extreme temp change during 24 hours was in Montana; -54 to 49. This state is pretty extreme in it's weather. In the summer we get upwards of 110 and in the winter we get below -40. I get kinda sick of it sometimes, though I have noticed the extremes aren't as extreme as they were ten years ago.

Anyways, I am sick of the cold. I hate shivering. To help deal with it I am drinking...just kidding. The drinking is really to help me deal with my separation status. lol Not really, I know better than to turn to alcohol. I just wanted to have a drink, and we have the stuff to make one, so what the hell? Why not enjoy one freaking drink without my husband? I really wanted a screaming orgasm, but I used all the Bailey's in my coffee :( I thought about just doing a shot of Bacardi 151, but decided I wanted something tasty instead...so I'm having a Kryptonite.

My husband called me earlier...so much for the no contact order. Anyways, I seriously wasn't sure if I should even answer it or not...but I'm super lonely, so I did. He didn't answer, but I couldn't hear breathing or anything. I could hear some background noise, like dishes banging together and such. I figured he must have been at work...though I'm unclear as to why he called me. Did he want to harass or scare me? Or did he just want to hear my voice? I know it wasn't an accident, because the default setting for these phones is to lock the keypad after the phone has been in stand by mode for 15 seconds. I'm not sure what I think of the whole deal. I guess I could believe whatever I want, but I'm not even sure what I "want" to believe.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel. I thought this would stop at some point...but a week obviously isn't enough time. I keep thinking that maybe he has woke up some, maybe he got scared enough to set him straight. Do I want him to "wake up" or "straighten" out? I don't know...that is what gets me...I just don't know what I want. I want to be loved of course, but do I want HIM to be the one to love me? I used to. His love was what I wanted the most in this world...and I was so happy when I had it. Those first two years were awesome. I was never happier than when he held me, when he loved me, when he looked into my eyes but saw my soul. Is that person dead? Is there anything left of the man I fell in love with? Why would he let this happen? Why would it ever be okay for anyone to put me down? At one point, he was proud of me...why did that change?

I want to know what will happen. I really don't have the patience for this. IF he contacts his public defender, and IF he petitions the court to allow for marriage counseling, then MAYBE this could work out. I don't know if he will do it though. He keeps sending mixed messages to me. One the one hand he has not provided enough money for me to buy food and diapers for the girls, he has spied on me, and he has called me when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, he has called my mother asking if me and the girls are okay, he reached out to his parents for support (he is not close to them by any means), he is talking to a minister, and he is trying to get another job (his other job fired him because he didn't come into work, even though he was in jail). Some things are very impressive for him, like talking to his parents. They have offered support and everything to both of us in the past, but he had a VERY difficult childhood, and there isn't much trust there.

I have forgiven so much of his past behavior because of his childhood. I haven't talked about it on my blog much, because it is so painful. There is no way around it, his mother is evil. I love his step-mother alot, as she has only ever been kind to us and loving. His mother is a bitch, but it doesn't start there. The grandmother is a bitch also. It is horrid talking about people this way, but they seriously are very screwed up. The grandmother had more husbands that I care to remember, some of which raped and beat my husband's mother during her childhood. She in turn grew up to have very poor relationships.

My husband's father was her first husband. She was insanely jealous and emotionally abusive to him. They divorced, and she used the two children against him. She remarried and had a third child with that husband. She accused that husband of trying to kill their unborn child (by poisoning her tea), and of molesting my husband and his little sister. That wasn't good enough though, she took it a step further and accused him of satanic worship, which included beating and gang raping my husband who was 6 years old at the time. My husband has no clear memory of what did or did not happen, though this conveniently happened after the step-father tried to get the children involved in Sunday school and make friends. Needless to say, there was a divorce.

My husband was a very unruly child, as he was constantly crying out for attention. This went so far as to try to commit suicide at the age of 7, because (in his words) his mother didn't want him. The youngest child was all the focus, and my husband and his sister were only ever used as pawns to hurt their father. She actually told her son that his daddy didn't want him anymore, because he had found a new family. This was not true, and no matter what was set up for visitations, she would change plans or not be at home so they could not see each other. Every time she cancelled the visits, she would tell her son "see, I told you daddy didn't want you anymore."

After his suicide attempt, his mother took him to a hospital and had him committed. When the nurses restrained him to a bed and injected him with sedatives, she freaked out. It wasn't long until she took him out against doctors orders, and took him to a different place. The special children's hospital she took him to did some thorough interviews with her. I have read the transcripts of these interviews with my husband. When we had been married about 6 months he wanted to go through them, just to see what had really happened. She told the psychologist many things about what her ex had done to her son and daughter. She told him about all the alleged rapping's, and that her ex had forced her son (6 years old) to rape her with a dildo while she was drugged and unconscious (who knows how she would have known exactly what happened if she wasn't awake, but never mind that little detail). The horrid and appalling stories just went on and one. At the end of the interview, the psychologist noted that he did not believe her story. She sat there showing ZERO emotion, and actually nursed her baby while talking about her own child being beaten and raped.

My husband was admitted into the hospital for observation and treatment. It all went well. He played with dinosaur toys and related to others well...in fact he showed no signs of trauma or abuse. He was respectful and not fearful of the male staff members at all, and was very polite. He got along well with all the other children, and there was never anything sexual in any of his play. He said he had not been touched, and denied ever being abused.

After three months in this place, his mother came and against medical advice removed him and his sister (they were both staying there for treatment). She took them into another state without telling anyone. Well, this qualified as kidnapping, and the police search started. After about 3 weeks they were found and brought back. The reports of my husband's behaviour was completely different than it had been previously. He talked extensively about being raped and tortured. He was afraid off staff and almost all of his play involved rape or sexual scenarios. He often grabbed himself, and seemed extremely afraid that something would happen to his genitals. He seemed OCD also, with extreme hand washing rituals and being scared that touching batteries would kill him.

It was shocking how much he had changed during those 3 weeks. There was no question that his mother had brainwashed him during that time. He was so normal before, then was so screwed up after. Anyways, his mother lost custody of him and his sister for this, and the father and step-mother had him. They kept him in the hospital for treatment and went to visit him. Once it was determined that he could be released, him and his sister went to live with them. Everything would be going great, then he would go visit his mother for a weekend. When he would return he would be extremely withdrawn and depressed. As he got older, this turned into rage and acting out violently. Once he got to the age of 13 he would become so upset that he was a threat to the other children in the house. His mother had also worked very hard to turn him against his step-mother. They finally ended up letting him go live with his mother because he was too dangerous and they were afraid violence would begin.

Anyways, I met him when he was 19. He had just got out of the army (medical discharge) and was living with his mother and her 3rd husband, his sister and the half brother. I thought he was very sweet, and kind. He seemed to be very desperate for acceptance and love, but was gentle and kind towards me. Everything was fine for awhile. We talked over the internet and the phone, and were beginning to have strong feelings for each other. After talking for about 3 months, we decided to meet in person.

We met, and had a really great time. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was looking for gentleness and compassion...which I found in him. We decided that we would move in together so he could get away from his mother, and I couldn't afford a place on my own. That is when things started getting bad. Our relationship was great, but there was obvious jealousy from his mother. She never treated him as a son, but more like a boyfriend. She always wanted him to give her back rubs, and to be touching her. I found this to be inappropriate. She would confide in him about her sex life, and bring up issues that she never should have relied on him to support her with. When it was obvious that him and I had a sexual relationship, it became much worse. She began trying to turn him against me, telling him that I was trying to manipulate him and that I could not be trusted. I had been trying to help him, but that was all I was guilty of. How many 19 year old men, think they have to ask for permission to piss? That really bothered me, and I wanted him to be more confident and independent. I always supported him, and told him that he was a man, he could do whatever he wanted to.

So many times, he would off the phone with her and be extremely upset. He would start asking me if I really loved him, and why would I ever want to be with him. He seemed so sure that he was worthless, and it was always after talking to her. He finally came to me, in tears, because he was so upset that his mother was running me down to him. I was the one who supported him and encouraged him. He didn't think he would be able to get into college, I was the one who convinced him to try his best and find out for sure. I don't know how many times I held him as he cried after talking to his mother. He stopped calling her, and would only talk to her if she called.

She began working on me then. She actually told me that if I found out what he was really like I wouldn't want him. She told me that he was stupid, and that he was a horrible person. I finally got so sick of it, I told her that I loved him and that I would not stand for her running him down like that. I told her that he didn't call her because she always him when they would talk. Anyways, she didn't like me defending him, and the war started. After we got married her and her boyfriend (yes, she divorced the 3rd husband because he was "crazy" and had already moved onto another guy) actually drove for 4 hours to come "straighten me out." I think she was wanting to intimidate me, but it didn't work. She seemed surprised that I didn't treat my husband like shit. When he got home from work, I made him some coffee and got him a chair so he wouldn't have to stand. I guess she never showed kindness to any of her husbands, so she didn't realize what it looked like.

The fighting and crap went on for a few months. She started making attacks against my family because we went to see them but had never went to visit her. Never mind the fact that my parents lived much closer than she did, and my parents actually didn't treat my husband like crap. In fact, my husband drew the line there. My mother had been kind to him, and he felt that she had been more like a mother to him than his own mother had been. She had kept telling him that he would have to choose between me and her. He asked me if I wanted him to choose between us, to which I told him that he should never have to choose between him mother or his wife because the relationships are completely different. Needless to say, he ended up choosing me. He finally decided that he was done talking to his mother. He called her and told her that he would no longer consider her his family. She had refused to accept his wife, and by doing that had lost him. After that he did not call her, did not answer her calls and stopped all email activity. All cards and letters went to the trash unopened.

At the time that he told her he would no longer talk to her, I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. He had decided he did not want her in our children's lives, because of the childhood he had been through. I can't say that I was upset he decided to cut her out, in fact I was relieved. For awhile our marriage was very good. After considering how crazy his mother really was, he decided that maybe everything she said about his father and step-mother was not true. He got in touch with them to tell them that we were expecting a child, and from there developed a relationship. He never became very close to them, but at least he was talking with them and he did find out that almost everything his mother had told him had been a lie.

The problems in our marriage didn't start until after the baby was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and had preeclampsia which caused an emergency cesarean. I almost died, and the midwife and OB/GYN kept me in the room next to the OR because they were afraid I would stroke even after the delivery. I had lost a lot of blood due to a hemorrhage during the surgery, and it looked pretty grim for awhile for me. I could see how scared my husband was during the surgery. As he left the room with the nurse and the baby, the last words he heard was "She is loosing a lot of blood, this isn't looking good. Get a bag ready, and let's hurry this up." I was scared to death, and I know he was too.

As soon as he was allowed to come see me in the recovery room, he did. I don't think I've ever seen him so scared. He was crying and just kept telling me how much he loved me. He was very kind to me in the hospital, and stayed by my side the entire time. After we got home it was a different story though. He slumped into a depression almost as soon as the baby was a week old. My mother was staying with us to help, as I was not allowed to lift anything or do anything besides walk and rest. She stayed for two weeks, which was when I was finally allowed to hold my baby on my own. I was not to be doing anything besides taking care of the baby and myself. My husband had promised to take care of all the cleaning and the cooking while he was home from work. By about the third week, he started asking me why I wasn't doing anything. He started telling me what a bad wife I was, that I want even making sure he had clean clothes to wear to work.

I remember standing over the washing machine, trying to pull the wet clothes up out with both of my hands. It hurt in my incision, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so abandoned by him. I needed to rest, but I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. It hurt me so badly to hear him say that I wasn't doing a good enough job. He started telling me I was unfit to be a mother, because I got postpartum depression. I cried a lot, and would have to put the baby in her crib and just go to a different room and cry. I felt so overwhelmed and was afraid that I wasn't doing a good enough job for my husband or my baby. I thought about killing myself so many times. A family was what I had wanted, but I could see that I was losing my husband. I loved him so much, and what he said cut me to my very core.

I got on medication, and got through it. I did the best I could, and things just continued to get worse. Instead of coming to me anymore, my husband started spending all of our money. He started in with the self hatred again, and it became such a negative spiral. We separated for a few weeks, and during that time he over drew all of our bank accounts. We ended up being in debt to everyone, and I had no choice but to come back and to try to straighten things out. He had started smoking while I was away. I couldn't figure out why he always smelled like cigarettes, he knew that I didn't want him to smoke for several reasons. I started getting horrific migraines from it, and spent many evenings in so much pain I couldn't manage to do anything but lay and cry. He told me he would stop, but he didn't. He started going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late every day. He didn't get as much time together, and he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He wouldn't let me get close to him, because he was afraid I would smell the smoke on him.

This went on for awhile, but some things started to get better. He stopped being so negative to me, and we decided to have another baby. Things were great while we were trying to get pregnant. We were having sex almost everyday, and it seemed like he was more interested in me and our little girl. Once I did get pregnant though, he started withdrawing some again. He still wanted to have sex, but he ignored the new baby. He never wanted to feel her kick, and he wouldn't help me shop for her or pick out a name even. During the delivery he seemed like he wasn't quite there.

I had lost a lot of blood again, and they were having a hard time getting my temp and oxygen levels back to normal. I couldn't be given normal medication yet, so I spent the first night on a morphine drip. I asked my husband to please push the button for me so I could sleep, which he agreed to do. I went to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later in horrible pain. He was sitting here in the chair next to me, asleep. I pushed the button and woke him up. I asked him if he would please push the button for me so I could rest. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. I woke up again in a little while in horrible pain, because he had again fallen asleep. The whole night went like that. I felt so abandoned by him. I had really needed him. I had just had his baby, and I really needed the sleep. He just let me be in pain, in excruciating pain. He didn't protect me, he didn't come to save me when I needed him the most.

He didn't care about the baby almost at all. He rarely held her, and he had no interest in spending time with me either. I again struggled with postpartum depression. I got through it, and we continued to be distant in our marriage. He finally admitted his smoking to me after trying to hide it for 2 years. I hated that he had been lying to me, even though I had know he was. It hurt to actually hear him say the words. It hurt for him to aknowledge that he was causing me to have migraines, but yet he hadn't tried to stop. I left for a week so we could think. He decided he wanted to quite smoking and for us to work on our marriage. I agreed, and it seemed like things were going good for a couple days.

Those first two days after we agreed to work things out were wonderful. It was almost like things had been when he were first married. He was holding me all the time and we had started kissing again. We talked and spent time as a family and as lovers. I was very happy; I felt like I finally had my husband back. It didn't last though. In a few weeks he started withdrawing again. He had a lot of trouble with smoking, but instead of comming to me for support he tried to hide it from me. He lied to me, and things got worse.

It wasn't long until he started calling me names and putting me down. He would touch me during the day and tell me he wanted me, then he would stay up until he was too tired to have sex. He would promise to have sex with me, then just push me away. We would go for a month at a time without sex, and I hated it. I began to feel ugly and not wanted. He didn't look at me the same way, he didn't touch me the same way...it didn't even seem like he was the same person. We talked and decided we needed to get into therapy. He found someone who would be available to see us within two weeks, and we went.

That therapist (I don't think he even had a degree, not even an associates) only hurt our marriage. I told him that one of our biggest problems was that my husband lies all the time, and he has a very low self esteem. From that the fucking jerk decided that I was a bitch. He didn't say the words, but he might as well have. He told me that my husband only lied to me because I made him too scared to be honest with me. It didn't matter that we both told him that my husband has always lied to protect himself, it started when he was a child as a way to deal with his mother. I don't know how it got to be MY fault that he lies. He told me I shouldn't ask my husband to quit smoking, never mind that it gives me migraines...besides, smoking doesn't cause cancer, that's just a conspiracy by the medical community as a way to get more money...at this point I decided he was an idiot and a quack. My husband's own grandfather died from smoking related cancer! It runs in his family! I would think he would want to live as long as he could, but it doesn't seemed like he cared that much.

It was after that therapist told my husband he needed to control me more and put me in my place (see, the really was a quack) was when things started getting more pysichal. He started grabbing my wrists to restrain me when we fought. He would hold a door shut so I couldn't go into another room. Then he started threatening to hurt me. Even though he never hit me, it broke my heart that he would even say it.

I wonder where the man I married went to. The man that threatened to kill me last week, wasn't the man who swore to always love me. I didn't see the same spirit when I looked at his face. I almost feel as if my husband died.

The things that happened in the past really confuses things for me now. I almost feel like it would have been weird if he didn't turn abusive, just look at his childhood. No matter what happens, this stops here. The abuse will NOT continue on to my children. I won't allow it. I don't want my husband to be abusive, but it's his choice not mine. I wish I could have helped him avoid this, but I did everything I could think of. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that my loving him wasn't enough for him to want to change. He makes his decisions, and he will decide if he changes or if he doesn't. It is hard to be the victim in this, but yet want to help him. I want to take care of me and the girls, but I also feel like I should try to help him.

What a long post...it does feel good to get it all out though. I am off to bed :)

Up to my armpits in poop

2008-10-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(

On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.

I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.

I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?

I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one.

Ugh...so much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.

Bored to death

2008-10-09T19:54:00.000-07:00

I am bored, bored, bored, and lonely. It really shows too...this is my THIRD post today! Seriously, I am horrified by my own boredom. I pray that I don't start putting a sock on my hand and talking to it. I already talk to the cat... I feel like Pontoffel Pock, wishing I could just get away from it all...pretty sure I could figure out the whole pull-ems and push-ems thing though ;) I doubt my extreme fear of heights would allow me to fly through the air sitting on a piano bench, magical or no.

I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.

Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's ass...no question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's hollow...cool song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(

Something I pulled out of my ass.

2008-10-09T10:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, the title probably sounds pretty gross...I will admit it, it sounds EXTREMELY gross. lol Anyways, I was bored and lonely, so I just sat down and wrote this. I haven't done any editing on it or anything, so there are likely to be some errors and poor word choices. The flow probably won't be that great either, but it was for fun anyways. The characters are from a story I was writing when a teenager. Basically he is an assassin that she has hired to escort her and be her body guard while she hunts down a treasure. The tone is not ment to be "fucking," as they are just discovering that they both desire each other. Anyways, I hope everybody enjoys it :)

Shivering with cold, she clutched the worn blanket closer to her bosom. The wind howled and beat upon the thin walls of the tiny shelter. The embers crackled softly and the firelight danced around the room, filling the air with at least the look of warmth.

He lay a few feet away, on furs, with only his cloak for added protection against the frigid air. He was quiet, so still he may have been dead. She knew he did not sleep; she had never seen him sleep. He always waited until she had fallen into slumber, and made sure to rise before her in the morning.

This nameless, faceless, wanderer who lived by his dagger had probably killed more people than words slipped from his lips. He always hid himself. It was as if he had no emotion, neither happiness nor sorrow. He had shown neither fear nor anger. In the 3 months they had been traveling together, he was still as much a mystery as the day he first stepped into the pub.

The ebony eye mask covered his entire upper face, and she had never seen him without it. The narrow slits allowed only his ice blue eyes to be seen. The cloth mask he wore around the lower area of his face covered the rest of his face and his neck completely. He would pull it down to eat or drink, but this was mostly done with his back towards her. Why the excessive endeavor to hide his face? Was he hideous underneath? Perhaps he did not wish his victims to know him while they died.

Millicent drew a deep breath, and held it. She was cold, so very cold. He lay closer to the fire than she. Slowly she crawled on hands and knees over to him. He did not stir, he did not look. She knew he was aware…he was always aware. Gently she lowered herself between him and fire, drawing as close to him as possible. Still he did not move.

The blanket still clung to her, providing no warmth. Lifting his cloak gently she slid beneath it and into his warmth. It did not matter that he made his living as an assassin, at that moment he was the only heat available. The heat from his chest began to penetrate her, warming her enough for the shivering to stop. Her face lay pressed against his chest, his heat beat sounded in her head.

Warmth crawled through her body. Without thinking she scooted up, closer to his face. She pressed her lips against the cloth of his mask. He opened his eyes to gauge her, but he did not move away. She felt a slight pressure on her back, and slowly it sunk into her heart that he was touching her, pulling her closer. Her fingers still cold and a little stiff, she pulled the cloth, slowly and gently, down his face. This was the first time seeing any of his face so closely. The cloth slid effortlessly down his nose and off of his chin, revealing the lips she so desperately sought.

She brought her lips closer to his a second time, and they parted to accept her. He was gentler than she could have ever imagined. He didn’t just let her kiss him, but he kissed her back. There was a passion and a desire behind his warm skin that surprised her. His hands found their way to the back of her corset, where the laces slipped loose, freeing her breasts. He removed it from her, and cast it gently behind him. His hands moved underneath her loose blouse, caressing her soft skin.

The touch was firm and strong as he pulled her ever closer to him. His strong arms embraced her, and his lips caressed hers. Her hands were lying gently on his chest, until she lowered them. His muscles were strong and easily felt through his shirt. The belt clasp of his sheath came loose in her hands, and she felt increased warmth radiating from his body. The lacing of his pants came loose freely, and her hand found its way to his hip. She caressed him, but did not touch the area that pined for her hand.

He pulled her skirt up, and ripped her undergarments free from her. His cloak stayed over them as he rose above her. His legs slipped between hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to race through her. The aching was becoming strong, as the desire increased. He lowered down between her quivering legs, stroking them with his hands.

A tear escaped from her eye as he pressed his erection against her. With the gentle guidance of his hand, he parted her moist lips and slipped inside of her. A wave of pleasure overtook her as she was gently stretched to accommodate his girth. He pressed deeply into her and caressed her hip with his hand. His lips eagerly sought hers out, and he locked onto them as he began thrusting into her.

Her mind was lost in the moment. His breath was hurried with desire, and his body was taut. He smelled good to her, and she breathed in deeply as she buried her face against his neck. He was warm, and the firmness of his penis brought her immense pleasure. She could feel her body grasp at him, squeezing eagerly. Warmth began to build inside of her abdomen, and her vagina clenched tightly onto him. He pressed against her tightly as her body began the throws of orgasm. Moans escaped her lips, and her chest heaved with each breath. Her fingers grasped at his hips, scratching him lightly. He watched her, and continued pounding into her hungry muscles. His hands grasped at her and his chest pressed against her breasts, enjoying the convulsions of pleasure he had caused her.

He hastened his thrusts, and his breath held. His muscles became rock hard, and he froze over her for a second. She could feel him throb inside of her as he released his seed. A small sigh of pleasure escaped from his lips as his body jerked into her. The pulsing slowed, and he relaxed. The kiss he gave her was tender, but fleeting. He pulled out of her, exposing her to the cold as he pressed himself back into his pants and tied the laces shut tightly. He pulled her skirt back down around her legs and lay next to her scooping her up in his arms. She was warm, and she was satisfied. He drew the blanket and the cloak around them tightly as her eyes closed and sleep took her.

Lonely, oh so lonely...

2008-10-09T06:14:00.001-07:00

Ugh...no one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.

I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.

I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."

I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.

This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.

I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...

Trying to make a plan

2008-10-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what my husband is doing or will do, so for now I am living like he doesn't exist. It is easier to think of him as dead than it is to always worry about what he may or may not do. I spent most of today feeling utterly destitute and helpless. I was having what seemed like one big panic attack for several hours.

I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.

I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly could...you know...to freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family thick...it is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I said...no amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely worthless...now I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.

I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.

Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?

My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.

Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.

I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.

This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.

I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.

Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)

182 dollars is a joke...right?

2008-10-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

One more day...I've made it through one more day on my own. I was hoping today would be easier than yesterday, but it wasn't...it was actually harder. So many times I've wanted to call my husband and ask him "why?" I just want some answers...but I can't have them. If I even tried contacting him, I could go to jail. I don't know if he is going to get a different job to replace the pizza delivery job, I don't know if he is going to start therapy on his own, I don't know if he wants to work towards change, I don't know if he is just going to disappear....I don't know what's going on and it's driving me crazy.

Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.

Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.

I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.

I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.

Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.

Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.

I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.

I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.

I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.

I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct direction...like giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!

I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.

I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.

I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.

I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be nice...to be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.

I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.

Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...

Where the hell did my life go?

2008-10-07T08:46:00.000-07:00

I have no idea where to even start. It is no secret that my husband has been emotionally, verbally, economically, and psychically abusive towards me. Most of the things started really gradually, then just got worse as time went by. He is not always abusive either. It almost seems like he is two different people. For a couple days he will be very sweet and loving, then without warning will switch to being incredibly mean and throwing out put downs hourly. It will usually last for a few days or a week, then with nothing changing or happening he will just switch back to being loving.

I've tried so hard to get him back into therapy, to talk to someone, so seek help. He admits that he is abusive towards me, but he sticks to the mantra "I haven't hit you, so it's not that bad." Hitting me is the only thing he has not done to me. He has physically restrained me, locked me out of the house on a cold night, raped me while I slept...then there's all the emotional stuff. One day I'm sexy, the next day I'm disgusting. It has been so exhausting living like this. I've been in a constant depression and fighting it with everything I've got.

Things changed on Sunday night. It all started over a video game. I love video games, I always have and I always will. My husband on the other hand, uses them to escape his life. They mean more to him than the girls and I do, he has made that clear through both actions and words. The first time he threatened to kill me was because I told him it wasn't an appropriate time to play a video game. I didn't provoke him, I didn't pick at him, nothing. All I had said was "if you're getting this upset, then you shouldn't play it anymore." That was enough for him to throw the controller on the floor breaking it (it hit only a couple inches from our youngest girl) and he began screaming at me. He stood over me and pulled his fist back and told me "I should beat you to death." The second time he threatened to kill me was a little different. I don't remember what it was over, but the fight escalated to the point where I had given up on living. I figured it would just be better to die than to keep living with a man who didn't love me and didn't respect me. It was really stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I was so upset that I was afraid I would commit suicide. I needed to do something physical to release some of the pain (I used to cut when I was in high school and dating an abusive guy, which was incredibly hard for me to stop but I did). I hit myself on the head. It wasn't hard, it didn't hurt me. It was more of an action that I could use to focus on, just to keep from snapping and slitting my throat. Anyways, my husband freaked out and grabbed a nearby hammer and swung it at me. He stopped it just inches from my skull, telling me "that would make you stop, wouldn't it you stupid bitch?"

I've tried so hard to make things better, but nothing has had any impact nor helped. Sunday night I tried to get away from him like I always do when the fighting and screaming starts. I went into the bathroom, he followed me, insulting me the whole time. I asked him repeatedly to just leave me alone, or let me leave. He always just said "no." I finally asked him "what do you expect from me? You just want me to sit here and be abused?" His response was "like you have a choice." At that point I knew there was no talking to him. He was in a place where he was completely desensitized towards me. I wasn't his wife anymore, I wasn't his lover, or the mother of his children. All I was to him in that moment was someone for him to vent all his emotions onto. I was his emotional punching bag, and afraid that I would be a physical one too.

My husband has this weird thing with being tired. He is always tired, and tends to fall asleep when extremely upset or emotional. I think it is a defense mechanism, but it doesn't matter what it is as it gave me an opening. I waited until he started falling asleep then I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I managed to get to the car and inside of it before he reached me. The first thing I did was lock the doors, then I started the car and backed out of the driveway. I barely missed him, and he tried to run in front of the car to block me. I swerved around him and he punched the trunk of the car as I drove away.

I had no idea where to go or what to do. All I had on me was my driver's license, two dollars in cash, my keys, my jacket, my cell phone, and a finger nail file. I drove across town to an Albertson's store where I parked in the parking lot. It was 11:30 at night, and 40 degrees outside. I just sat there and cried. I didn't know what to do, I was confused and scared. I had left my girls at the house. They had been asleep in their beds before we even started fighting. My phone rang, but I didn't answer it. It was my husband, and he left a voice mail. I listened to it. He was crying and apologizing for fighting. He said he was afraid I would hurt myself (I left the house to protect myself, so I'm not sure where he got the idea I wanted to die). I wasn't sure if he really was sorry or not, but it seemed like the anger was gone, so I called him back. We talked for about 30 minutes, most of which he was assuring me that he would seek therapy the next morning and that he didn't want to hurt me. My phone battery died while we were talking. I was hopeful that perhaps he meant what he had said. I had been wanting him to get into therapy again for several months. I thought the fighting was over, and that we would be able to make a plan of action for setting things back on the right track again.

I drove home and parked in the driveway. I just sat there, trying to collect my thoughts and clear my mind. My husband came out of the house and got in the car with me. He was very sweet and gentle with me at first. I smelled alcohol on his breath and he admitted he had been drinking, though it was never made clear how much he had. He apologized a few more times and told me that he would do whatever it would take to keep our marriage together. I started talking about him maybe going to the hospital that night to talk to someone, and not waiting until the morning. I wanted him to do it to prove that he was willing to change. Well, it pissed him off and the name calling and put downs started again. He began threatening to call the cops on me and have them take me to the hospital and lock me up because I was so "fucking insane." I just sat and cried, I knew better than to try and talk with him. I waited until he started falling asleep again, then I bolted for the house. I got there and got the door locked seconds before he got to the door.

He was extremely pissed at me for locking him out of the house. I was so scared. I could see in his face that he wanted me dead. I don't think I've ever seen so much raw hatred in him before. He told me to unlock the door or he would break out the door window. I told him that I couldn't, I was too scared he would hurt me. He said "I don't care about that." and continued to make threats. I thought about running and plugging my phone in so I could call 911, but I knew if I left his sight he would kick the door down and kill me. He punched the door window, and discovered he couldn't break the plexi-glass. He told me again to open the door. I told him that I was afraid if I let him in he would try to kill me, his response was "I don't FUCKING care!" I was trembling and sobbing, wishing the nightmare would end. He said he was going to break a window to get in, and he started walking off the steps. I knew it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, I was going to die. I was afraid of him breaking something and waking up the children, so I unlocked the door.

He came in and stood over me, swearing and screaming at me. I felt so defeated, and for a while I wished he would just beat me to death and get it over with. I had given up all hope. When he saw that I wasn't going to fight back, he calmed some. I imagine he saw that he had won. He stopped screaming and began calmly putting me down. He started saying things, like how stupid I am, that I am crazy, what a horrible person, mother, and wife I am. He told me how I didn't deserve to live and that it was my fault he was angry at me. He told me that if I wasn't such a bitch, he wouldn't have to be mean to me. He said that when I had scratched his video game (it didn't ruin it) that I had destroyed the only thing in this world that meant anything to him. My heart utterly broke when he said that. I couldn't tell myself that I meant something to him anymore. He had confirmed that I was worthless to him.

My phone was sitting on the counter, my keys were in my hand. I threw them at him which distracted him. He bent over to pick them up, and I ran. I went out the front door and just ran. I looked back and saw him following me. I ran as fast and as hard as I could. I ran a couple blocks straight then I made a turn and zig-zagged through blocks for awhile. I was thankfully still wearing my jacket, even though my legs were already cold and I felt like my heart was going to explode from running so hard. I looked back and I couldn't see him. I collapsed on the ground, hiding behind a tree. I just sat there and cried, trying to catch my breath. My legs hurt from how hard I had been running, and I could feel that my throat was raw.

I heard a car, and when I looked, I recognized it as ours. He had went back to get it. When I saw him, I knew in my heart that if he found me he would run me over. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I fought blacking out. I hid behind the trunk of tree until he had drove past. I got up and ran again. I went back to the house with the intention of plugging in my phone and calling the police. When I got there, I was out of breath and frightened nearly to death. The side door was locked. I started crying harder now, as I began to realize what this meant. I went around to the front door and found it was also locked. There was no way for me to get inside. I couldn't check on my girls, I couldn't call for help. I never once thought of knocking on a neighbors door, I don't know why, but it never even occurred to me. I ran into the back yard and sat down next to the garage. I was in a shadow and I wouldn't be visible from the street, although it was easy for me to look around the edge and see the street.

I had no idea what to do. I just sat there, sheltered from the wind, trying not to pee myself. I have never cried harder in my life than sitting there, locked out of my own home, separated from my children. I felt so guilty for leaving them. They were in the house, alone. My husband was out searching for me, I saw him drive by the house several times. He left them there. If he had truly wanted to find me to help me, he would have stayed in the house and called the police. Instead, he didn't call anyone, but left our children locked in the house while he searched for me. I assumed he wanted to kill me.

I sat there for what seemed hours. Finally he parked the car in the driveway, and went into the alley with a flashlight. He saw me. There were two fences separating us, so I ran. I went through the gate by the house on the opposite side of the yard, and I shut it behind me. I ran a block away and stood behind a large tree. I watched around the tree as he looked for me. He looked around the yard, and apparently he hadn't seen me go through the gate. He went back around the house to the other side out of my view. I ran for a couple blocks then slowed to a walk. I looked behind me several times, but didn't see him.

I didn't know where to go. I walked by a school, and the reader board said it was 3:13 in the morning. I had been outside for about two hours. Every place nearby would be closed. The only place I could think to go to was Walgreens. It was over 15 blocks away, but it was the closest store that stayed open 24 hours.

My heart jumped every time I saw a car. I was still scared to death. My legs hurt so badly, but I ignored the pain. My shin bones felt bruised from all the hard running I had done. It was so cold out and I was shivering. My jacket was only a light fleece pullover. Thankfully it had a hood and a front pocket.

When I finally got there I went straight to the bathroom. I finally felt safe. There were other people in the store, and he wouldn't hurt me if h e found me there. I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really want to call the police, because the tape in my head kept playing "he is just out of control, he wouldn't really want to hurt me...I probably just overreacted, he promised to love and protect me." I was so scared when I realized that I was making excuses for him wanting to kill me. I borrowed a phone from a store employee and called my mom. I told her briefly what had happened, and she told me I needed to call 911. She told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been left no other option. I did call 911, and waited for the officer to get there.

Two officers came into the store, and they asked me what happened. I must have looked so stupid to them. I couldn't remember clearly what had happened. I couldn't remember what the fight was over even. I was so scatter brained and confused...and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep from crying in front of them. They took me in the car back to the house. They parked back away from the house by half a block or so, and told me to wait in the car while they went to talk to my husband. It was a few minutes before they came back out. The one officer told me that they were arresting him, and I was to wait over behind the one tree so he couldn't see me while they put him in the car. I complied (what else would I do?) and watched from around the tree as they led my husband in handcuffs to the police car and put him in it. The officer came back to get me and walked with me into the house.

I was asked a few more questions while he filled out the report. He gave me a bundle of pamphlets and information about domestic abuse. He told me that there was no question that my husband needed to be arrested. He said that I was obviously scared for my life for me to go all the way to Walgreens.

It was about 4:30 am when the police left. I just sat and cried for a few minutes before I did anything. I looked over the papers some, but nothing was new to me. I have been through an abusive relationship before, and I understand how it all works. I hadn't left my husband, because I could still see good in him. It seemed like he wasn't himself and I really believed things would turn around if only I could get him back into therapy. He had never made any threats towards the children either, if he had, I would have been out of here a long time ago.

I called my mom to let her know what happened, then I took a shower. I was so filthy from sweating from running. I felt so gross, and the hot water was so welcome. I wish I could have stood there forever. I felt calm, and I felt safe. The water got cold and I had to get out. I had checked on the girls as soon as I had gotten back in the house, and they had still been asleep, oblivious that anything had even happened. I let them sleep. I wanted to badly to hold them and tell them how much I loved them, but I realised that it would only be to comfort me. I didn't bother them. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.

I didn't expect to feel so horrid. I felt like I was going to throw up, and I was dizzy. I felt an enormous amount of gilt. I had no clue what was going through my husbands head. Was he crying? was he angry? had he finally realised how serious the situation was? I didn't know, but I began to feel like I shouldn't have called the police for help. I kept telling myself that if I didn't have any choice, but it didn't help the guilt go away. Yesterday was hard. I did get my oldest daughter off to preschool, but I spent most of the day crying. It was a long, hard day.

Last night was the worst. The bed felt so empty. I was so lonely. Even during the worst times of our marriage, he has always been there in bed next to me. I missed him so much. I missed his body heat, I missed feeling him pressed up against me. I cried every time I looked at his pillow and realized that he wasn't there all over again. I kept remembering things from our past. The way he used to look at me during the first two years we were together. The way he used to hold me, like I was the most precious thing in his life. I missed that. I miss him looking into my eyes and stroking my hair. I miss being held. I never realized how dependant I was on him. I take care of all most all of the responsibilities for everyday life, but I relied on him completely for love and acceptance. I never thought this would be so hard.

My husband was in jail for one night. Yesterday he was released on bond ($75, what a fucking joke) but we are not allowed to talk at all because of the no contact order. It will stay that way until after his trial in February. This was his first offense or arrest for anything, so he will probably get ordered to go to therapy. I don't think it would be safe for him to live here even after that. I hate being in a place where I miss him so much, but yet I am scared to be in the same city as him. I keep telling myself that he has changed. He is no longer the man that I feel in love with. I love and miss the man I wish he was, not who he is today. I wish I had someone to take his place. Someone who could just hold me and make this a little easier. I know that wouldn't be smart though. I doubt anyone would even want me while I'm in this broken state. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else either. I haven't made up my mind what I am going to do about my husband. I don't know if I will divorce him, or if I will wait until after the trial and he has went to extensive therapy. Even if I do wait, it will be a year or two until we could live together again. He might not be able to get better. He might not be able to stop being abusive.

I realise my husband had a very bad childhood, and I think I have excused a lot of the abuse because of it. He was abused, and he was manipulated by his mother his whole life. I knew those things when I moved in with him. I had seen such a gentle and loving heart within him, so I thought he would be the one to break the cycle of abuse in his family, but I guess I was wrong. He so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved, and the love was deep and real between us. I didn't care about his past, I loved him and I tried to give him everything I possibly could in order to make him happy. I supported him and stood by him when he faced his childhood abuse. I was the one who held him when he cried, I was the first person who ever loved him unconditionally. He told me that meeting me was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said that he had never felt loved until he was with me.

Over the years he has gotten comfortable with me. Instead of being proud of my talents, he has become jealous. He used to say that he was thankful to be with someone so kind and gentle, but that turned into him seeing me as better than him and wanting to be better than me. I've seen him change so much in the past three years. He started threatening me this year. The first time he threatened me was that time right before Easter when he threatened to beat me to death. It wasn't that long after he had tried going to therapy.

We had went to some quack for marriage couseling, but it turned out the guy was a fucking moron. He ignored all the problems that we laid out in front of him. My husbands past and feelings of self hatered have always fueled our problems, but the stupid hippie quack ignored it. He blamed me for my husband's lack of confidence. He told me that my husband's problems were because of me, that if I wasn't so judgmental my husband wouldn't lie to me. My husband was a compulsive liar before we met, it had nothing to do with me. I didn't get how everything wrong in my husband's life was suddenly my fault, never mind the abuse he suffered through as a child. That guy actually told my husband that he needed to learn how to control me better. That was about a month before my life was threatened by the man who swore to love me through thick and thin.

I do blame a lot of what happened on that guy. We were going to therepy to try and get some help. We were at a point where we both were motivated to work our butts off to fix our marriage. It was wasted though. That guy wasted our money, our time, and almost my life. We should have just tried getting counseling through a local church, like we had originally considered doing. I can't help but think that if we would have just chose someone else, maybe my husband would have never threatened my life...maybe we wouldn't be seperated right now...maybe I wouldn't be lonely. How different things could be, if only we would have went to someone else...

I don't know what I will do in the end. I have been thinking about it a lot. I can't help but wonder where the man I married went to, and who is this asshole who looks like him?

I finally did another review!

2008-09-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

It has been a little while, but I finally got another review cranked out. This was my first time actually including links in my review, and it looks like it turned out okay from the page that shows it has been submitted.

I keep thinking I should be writing more reviews. I used to do 1-3 everyday there for a few weeks. I still have 17 toys I could review, but just have been too lazy to actually sit down and write them. It doesn't help that I know my reviews don't count towards my rank at all. It isn't the main point, but it still kinda bums me out a little.

I have been wanting to place an order to eden for a little while. I really want to find a cooling lube that actually works. I have my eye on one by Kama Sutra, and hope to order it in a few days. I have high hopes for it, since Kama Sutra seems like a pretty good brand. Maybe I'll just end up being disappointed, but heck, it's worth a shot.

I don't have much to say really. I got the first two discs of the Sporanos season 3, and I am itching to watch it. Maybe the girls will go to bed a little early tonight. Anyways, my brain is fried right now, and I will just start rambling.

My review should be up before too long, eden is pretty quick about it most of the time. The toy I reviewed was the Slim by Tantus.

"Worth reading, but not usefull"

2008-09-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

If you frequent the website named EdenFantasys, then you probably already know what this post is about, solely from the title. The way reviews are ranked really bugs me. Okay, it's not really the ranking system that I don't like, it's the people who rank reviews really low without giving a reason or suggestion. I have written reviews that outlined every aspect of the product, but received "not useful at all" votes. I tend to have one extremely poor vote on each review I've done. It is pretty obvious that there is someone who doesn't like me. I am not egotistical, but I can tell a good review from a crap review, and my reviews are not crap. There have been typos, but I've not ran across a reviewer so far that has not had at least one typo.

I shouldn't worry about it, and generally I don't, but lately it's been getting under my skin. If someone has a personal problem with me (not sure how they would when they don't know me) why would they vote based off of that, and not the quality and usefulness of the review?

I've wondered if it has something to do with how "main stream" I am. I don't mean that I am "normal" because that is such an over rated word that basically means nothing to me. I am not particularly that interesting in the facts that I am heterosexual, married, white, female, and a stay at home mother of two. I don't have a dangerous life, nor am I discriminated against daily, although believe it or not, that does happen to white, straight, people too.

What reason could this person have for rating me so low? Is it because my reviews don't resemble erotica? Or maybe it's because I left a suggestion on one of their reviews, and it pissed that person off? Maybe it has something to do with my being straight and monogamous. Who knows. I've noticed this happening on some of the other people's reviews as well. Maybe I am resented because within a couple months I moved into the top 5 reviewers on the site, as far as rank is concerned anyways. I know there are a few reviewers whom have differing ideas than me...but so what? That's life in a nutshell.

It is a little bit discouraging that as soon as I submit a review, I already know it will get at least one very low ranking. It annoys me that no matter how the review turns out, I will always get those rankings. If someone is going to rank my review poorly, then I feel they should give a reason. What is so wrong with leaving a comment saying "your review would be more useful if..." Would that be so hard? The only reason to not leave a reason would be if there was none. My reviews aren't perfect, but I do take them seriously.

The whole thing with reviewer rank really got under my skin. It still bothers me a little bit, but I felt it never should have been a big deal. I was warned that I would be resented for moving up the ranks so fast...and that person was right. I had extra money at the time, and ordered a lot of toys that I wanted to try. I wrote reviews for them...GASP!!!!! My rank moved up because of it...shame on me. Seriously...why would it even matter? It shouldn't matter. I know there was a lot of resentment because I hadn't done any verified reviews. I didn't see anything wrong with writing reviews on toys I had purchased, and I still don't. Why would Eden give points towards rank for unverified reviews if they didn't want people writing them? I actually bought some toys and some lubes that didn't have any reviews for them. Those reviews were worth less just because I paid my own money for them instead of getting them for free?

I didn't join the program for the free toys, or for the coupons, or for rank. I joined the review program because I was excited about writing the reviews. I've learned a lot, and I've really broadened my horizons and experience with toys. A reviewer I've talked with through email, made it clear that she wanted a high rank in case Eden gave out coupons based off of rank. I don't see why the program should be tailored towards people who rarely participate just so they can get more free toys. It seems a little petty to me, but whatever. I had been under the impression that the review program was in place to serve the shoppers and to lure them to the site. Heck, I came in for the reviews and I stayed because of the review program and the great community. They are building a customer base, it makes perfect business sense. The site doesn't exist solely to give us free toys. I felt that the reviewer program has a ranking as a thank you to the reviewers, plus it adds some incentive for those that want it. Some people can look at it as a competition, that's fine. I don't really see it that way, and that's fine too. Some of the reviewers I respect and trust the most, are NOT in the top five. I don't think I am better than them, and I often comment that I like their reviews. I used to think the people in the top 5 were the "best" on the site, now I realize that they are the people who have the most reviews, and who write reviews frequently. My list of the top five reviewers on the site isn't the same as eden's top five.

It is all a little irritating, but in the end doesn't really matter. I still enjoy writing the reviews and being a part of the community. It will probably stay that way for as long as the site is operating.

Just random crap

2008-09-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I feel more like writing now than I did earlier...not sure why though. One thought is that my husband is trying to scare me about the finances. His job is going kinda slow (total understatement) and we are pretty well broke. He lost his phone yesterday, so he asked me to call it, which I did. Well, he had it up on the top shelf in the linen closet in the bathroom (who knows why) and it vibrated off the ledge. Needless to say, the thing is broken beyond repair. It might have fared better if he hadn't previously dropped it down the stairs, or on the side walk who knows how many times. Anyways, the screen went white and taking out the battery and putting it back in didn't help at all. The people at Verizon Wireless basically told him it is garbage (we already knew that). He used to get a discount at Verizon because his previous job had tie-ins to them that I never really understood. Our 6% discount is gone now and our contract with them is up as of October 1st. We heard they are merging with Alltel, but any contract you have you are stuck in, even if they change things after the fact.

So today my husband went to one of the many Alltel stores here, and bought two phones and a plan that allows us 10 my circle numbers, and unlimited text to each other. I'm not sure of all the details, because hubby did the shopping without me. I'll learn more about it and get my new phone tonight. He picked up the LG Scoop for both of us, slate for him turquoise for me. I kinda like the orange one more though, so I may send him back this evening for an exchange.

I hope it isn't too bulky, as I don't carry a purse...EVER. I am not one of those moms you see with a hand bag that looks like luggage with everything besides the kitchen sink in it. My phone goes in my right front jeans pocket, my keys in the left, my money and ID in my back right pocket. If I have any lipstick or other things I need to take with me, then my husband is responsible for carrying them. I don't take extra crap with me when I go out with friends, and I don't want to carry an extra bag just because it looks "hip."

My current phone is the MotorKrzr...it sucks. Don't buy that phone!!! I originally got it because it is fairly thin and sexy as hell. Too bad it's a piece of steaming poo. My first phone like this (when they first came out with it) went through major screen issues, and had a thing for turning off at the most inopportune times. We took it into the store, and they said it had gotten wet. I left it on the vanity while I took a shower...big whoop. My previous LG phone had survived taking a dip in a glass of iced tea...twice. I didn't do it in case you are wondering...my daughter was about 2 at the time, and had an obsession with putting things into glasses that were full of liquid. Anyways, since I had only had it a short while, they gave us half off on a phone exactly like it ("No thanks, I'll never actually NEED a warranty, why would I?" Doh!!) The new phone did exactly what the previous one had. They again told us that it was ruined by moisture, until we told them to look at the damn moisture indicator, and guess what...it was still WHITE! No moisture, just a crappy phone. They updated the software, and told us that would fix it. It got better for awhile, until the battery started acting weird. By weird I mean the phone says it is fully charged, then 5 minutes into a conversation it says the battery is low...whoops! It just shut off!! I have been putting up with this crappy thing for awhile now, so I am glad to be getting a new phone. I think this "MotoCrpr" may meet "Mr. hammer" when all is said and done.

I wasn't anticipating the cost of new phones, and it is really going to bite into our budget. It will be cheaper per month than our old contract with VW, but the phones were $200. We will have a mail-in-rebate, so we will be getting that $200 back...in the freakin' next year or so. I HATE mail-in-rebates because IF you get the money back, it takes (in my experience) 3-8 months!! Anyways, it will be nice to have the whole deal over with.

Just to stress me out more, my husband told me today that all the prices in the store are going up, and the up front cost of special order furniture is going from 25% to 50%. It will be a lot harder to sell to people because of it, plus people aren't buying as much because of the shitty ass economy. Maybe he'll be job hunting again soon :( Bleh...as long as the mortgage and utilities are paid, right? No more toy buying for me for awhile...seriously, that part really bugs me. The not shopping and the cutting back of eating out and such doesn't bother me at all, but no more new toys!!!!! Thank goodness for Eden's review program. I have some pretty cool toys now anyways, and they are satisfying enough. Maybe this is a good thing...perhaps I was getting a little addicted.

Speaking of toys...the new one came today. It is actually a lot cooler than I was expecting. It is a small clit vibe, super soft TPR material, fairly strong, and fairly quiet. Too bad it uses watch batteries, or else I would absolutely love it. It is about the length of my finger, but the shape reminds me of a swirl cone. The baby blue is adorable too...even though that puts me in mind of a baby teether. It is supposed to be water proof, so I'll have to use it in the tub to test it...dang ;)

More random crap here, I'm thinking about the phone again. My husband just sent me a text, shame on him as it is free for the Alltel contract, but for VW they will charge me 10 cents for every incoming and outgoing txt!! He has already cost us 20 cents by sending a stupid text that I had to reply to. "Loving my new phone?" Yes, that is what he sent me. Was it a question asking if I am loving his new phone...is he trying to make me jealous? Or perhaps it was supposed to be "Loving my new phone!" I am thinking that one, since that would make a hell of a lot more sense. Maybe he is just confused...I know I am.

I don't think I will like the blue phone. I don't particularly like blue for me. I think blue is pretty, but not on me, not even a phone. I have pale (ghostly white actually) skin and dark brown/black hair...blue doesn't look good on me. I think I will make him drive his ass back to the store and pick up the orange one. Well okay, I'll have him pick it up on his way home from work. It wouldn't be nice to make him make an extra trip for it.

Okay, there went 20 more cents! Gotta love being txt'd to death :(

Ohhh, netflix in the mail! 3 Star Trek Next Generations, Rurouni Kenshin, and Ah! My Goddess.

One last random thought...I swear ;) I wish Eden would send the cost of the toy along when they send out toys new to the site. That Elastomer cactus to y I reviewed recently...I was shocked that it was above $25, and it would have made a good difference in my opinion of it's over all value if I had known that BEFORE I wrote the review. At least I could have mentioned it. Thank goodness for follow up reviews and comments. I think it would just be helpful if a little sticky note on the product packaging listed either the price or the price range. I've seen sticky notes listing product material before, so why not price? If I reviewed a toy that I thought deserved a price of $30, but the actual price was $15, or course I'd want to mention that in the review. Same goes for thinking a toy is around the $25 mark then finding out later that it is actually $43 as was the case with the Bonsai Joy toy.

Okay, so I lied about no more random crap. And speaking of crap...we bought new curtains last night! Yep, they are brown curtains...hence the crap comment. Not sure they look so good with the red walls, but they will look awesome with the sage green walls...once I get my lazy ass around to painting the living room. We are broke right? New curtains don't make sense...well they do if your furnace is over 50 years old and you buy thermal curtains. We are going to be freezing this winter, and paying out the ass for it. Last winter our gas bill averaged from $160 to $200 each month, not to mention the $80 in electricity bills each month. The furnace needs to be replaced, but we can't afford it right now or else we would get it done before winter hits big time. Our estimated gas bill this winter should average around $230 each month, and that's according to the gas company so it will probably be closer to $250 or even $300 per month.

Anyways, the new curtains are making a big difference already. The living room is staying warmer during the night, and they look nice too. I almost can't tell they are Walmart curtains. I only got 2 panels and they were $20 per panel. Later on I'd like to get 2 more panels, because it really should be 4 wide so they look nicer when closed. I also got small thermal curtains for the bay window, although they are too long. Seriously...this means I will have to dig out the damn sewing machine and hem them up. I wouldn't bother, but they are over 10" too long. Weirdly enough the shortest thermal curtains they had there were 63" long, and I needed 52." At some point we'll need to seal the girl's bedroom windows with plastic from the outside.

The oldest girl doesn't have curtains in her room, because she recently ripped the rod down. I don't feel like putting something else up just for her to destroy it. I guess at least she can't bust it up into little pieces like she can with blinds. I don't know what to do with her some days :( A talk to the Dr. is in order though as her behavior is out of control. I took her bed away from her because she was chewing it to pieces. She leaned her mattress up against the window sill and was jumping into it so it would fling her back onto the floor. I took that away too, so she spent a night just her bedding. So much for punishment, she thought it was fun to "camp out" in her room. Right now her dresser is in her closet, and we put a flip lock on it up where she can't reach it. She was getting in there and ripping clean clothes off the hangars so she could play with them, not to mention chewing buttons off as well. She has nothing in her room besides her mattress and her bedding.

I don't get what the deal is with that little girl. She has gotten past the terrible twos, and has stopped with the whinny temper tantrums. Now it just seems to be all out destruction mode. It really embarrasses me that she acts this was. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase and it will pass. I'm dealing with it how I have read is best. I take away toys for being naughty (time outs don't affect her at all) and then I give one back if she has behaved better than normal for a whole day. I reward her good deeds with praise, and in special cases with a small treat (little suckers are her favorite). It is just frustrating me beyond belief. I am currently working on getting her to sleep more in case she is grumpy from lack of sleep. She goes to bed at 8 in the evening and gets up at 6 in the morning. She takes a 2 hour nap in the after noon as well. I am thinking about skipping the nap, and putting her to bed at 6 at night instead. Kids her age are supposed to get around 12 hours of sleep, so it is at least worth a shot to try some adjusting. I just pray she doesn't get worse.

Okay, I just caught her stacking up toys as high as she could then putting her mattress on it like a ramp. No mattress tonight either. I am so frustrated with her. Reason does nothing for dealing with her, punishment doesn't seem to do anything either, and I think the whole, reward the positive ignore the bad is a load of crap. I don't think the people who write this crap even have kids, or at least not ones that can think. I don't understand why she does some of this stuff, but at least I know she is creative and smart. Thank goodness the bathroom has a lock on the door...I think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't have a minute escape from all the craziness. Why do I want another one? Maybe I should check myself into a mental home, lol Maybe I want another baby because the newborn stage is so nice. They are cuddly then, easy to take care of (granted your baby isn't colicky) and they are so quiet and adorable. I am going to go crazy when my oldest becomes a pre-teen. Ha, it's hard to put up with her attitude at age 3 1/2.

Finally, the Fleshlight review is done!

2008-09-26T09:35:00.001-07:00

I finished the Fleshlight review, and it is up on EdenFantasys!!! One thing went terribly wrong with it though. It was late at night when I finished it, and after proof reading it about 5 times I asked hubby to read over it. Well he did, and found one typo. I submitted it in full confidence that it was near perfect...then I saw that huge typo glaring back at me...Instead of Shake 'N Bake, I put Shake 'N Back...talk about embarrassing. I was so pissed at myself and at my husband. Why did I even have him proof read it?! Maybe I wasn't the only one who was tired that night.

Anyways, it up on the site, typos and all. I so wish I could go back and edit it. It diggs and picks at me that I know that typo is there. It is just so annoying, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Because of it, I am dreading my next review. I need to review a nice little plug, but am putting it off. I've still got a day or two until it needs to be done anyways.

That's all...I'm not in a very writing mood right now. We're broke, I embarrassed myself, what's new? Ha ha, life goes on...

Knitting while I watch Ah! My Goddess?

2008-09-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am one to favor two kinds of anime, the violent stuff, or the crudely funny stuff. And here I am, watching a romance comedy anime like Ah! My Goddess. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I have no clue. What is worse is that I've actually been enjoying it! I guess I have watched a little bit of Tenchi Muyo, but that was because of Ryoko because I liked her character. Ah! My Goddess is funny at times, and that's what has me watching it. I don't really go for the romance stuff, especially when it comes to anime or tv. I usually just get bored with them. Oh well, right? I might abandon waiting for my husband for watching Bleach. I am about a month behind as the show airs in Japan, and it is bugging the heck out of me. (I would suggest anyone wanting to watch the Japanese Bleach, download it from www.dattebayo.com as their subtitling is excellent and they get the new shows out within a day. You do need a bit torrent client however, and for that I would suggest utorrent. Some people see this as pirating, I however don't consider watching a tv show as pirating. To me it is the same thing as recording a tv show so you can watch it later.) He never has time to watch it though, and I'm not supposed to watch it without him. Maybe I'll follow his personal philosophy of act now, apologize later. I will continue to hold out, and hopefully the next season of the Sopranos comes in the mail from Netflix today.

I like to watch dvds of tv shows and anime while I crochet or knit. I am current working a baby blanket that is experienced level, so I have to pay attention to what I'm doing with it, but for easy patterns I can do it without even looking. The whole purl 1, knit 1, repeat, is pretty easy. The worst thing I've done while knitting and watching tv was to drop a stitch, but I've become pretty good at knitting repairs. That's what happens when you make a lot of mistakes :( My favorite show to watch while knitting or crocheting would have to be Star Trek: the Next Generation. I've seen most of the shows before at one point or another during my childhood. So the shows become more of a reminder or refresher than anything else.

The website is back up now, so I was able to get a link to the baby blanket I am making. I am making it in a different color though. I picked a really light pastel purple for the little girl. I want to make a powder blue one in case I have a baby boy someday. It is such a pretty baby blanket, I was thinking about making one for each of my girls, even though they are too old for baby blankets. I just thought maybe they could have them for their babies someday, if they choose to have children. If that doesn't happen, then they could always just have them for a token from their childhoods. The other project I'm working on is a knit shrug, and I think it is going to be beautiful. I am making it in the "Gothic" color which is a dark purple. The yarn is super soft and easy to work with. I don't have the shrug part done yet, but I've been focusing most of my craft time on the baby blanket. I had wanted to make it in the "Lagoon" color because the woman I am making it for wears a lot of blues and dark blues look really nice on her. I hope she's fine with purple though, as the Lagoon color was sold out in every store I checked. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought it was a beautiful color.

I have stopped taking the Alli pills now. The bottle ran out, and while I think they helped, they didn't help enough to be worth $60 each month. I am back onto using Slim Quick, which I have used in the past. I like it and it seems to help me to take a pill, even if I get a placebo effect from it. I bought one box of the "Cleanse" pills, and one box of the regular Slim Quick. I think after I am done with both boxes I will try the "Extreme" version, since I am doing the P90X workout program. I am hoping the extra energy and being more for hard core exercising would be beneficial to me. Maybe I'm just wasting my money on these diet pills, I don't know. I think I get the most benefit from the pills being a reminder that I need to work hard.

My husband has been trying really hard to derail my diet lately. I don't know why he does it, but he sabotages me when I start getting some real success. My size 10 jeans were starting to get loose on me, and after telling him about it, he has went on this fast food craze. Every night he wants pizza for supper, even if I tell him I can't have him tempting me like that. He hasn't exactly been being very good with the workouts either. He always complains about them and has gotten so bad with it that I've missed a couple days. I don't know what he's afraid of, but it is really pissing me off. If he doesn't want to do the workouts anymore, than at least he could get out of my way and let me do them alone.

I talked to him last night, and he said that he will try to not be so negative about the whole dieting and exercising, but who knows if he will actually be nicer or not. I had originally asked him to do the workouts with me so we could encourage each other, not so he could drag me down like he tends to do. I guess, that's what happens when you have the wicked witch of the west for a mother :P Okay, that wasn't nice, honest, but not nice.

I really need to write that review for the Fleshlight. I am not feeling creative at all, but I need to just buckle down and write it. I have a couple more toys I need to do reviews for as well...don't want to fall behind.

I'm attracted to fat, balding, midle aged men? Seriously?

2008-09-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

I realized something strange as I was watching the Sopranos one evening. Tony Soprano is hot! Ever watch the show? Understand why I am a little confused? Is it his physical appearance, or the confidence and power shown through his demeanor? I have come to the conclusion that it is the latter. I am attracted to mafia style characters. The power, the confidence, yes maybe even the violence a little bit. I wouldn't want it in my real life, but the thought of my lover beating the crap out of someone to protect me has its allure. I am also attracted to Italian men, though I think a great majority of women are. The language is sexy and sensual, and there is just something sexy about dark hair and dark eyes. The Italian factor does take a back seat to the attitude though, as I've noticed I'm drawn to men who show the same confidence but lack the dark hair and eyes.

Another show that has confused me is CSI. It is obvious who is supposed to be sexy on there. The two younger men who are ripped and toned beyond belief, but who am I attracted to? Grissom of course. The man in charge, the man with the confidence and the knowledge and weird little hobbies.

Just look at who I married! While he doesn't have the dark hair and dark eyes that I pined for in my teenager days, he does have the fat and balding part down :D lol He thinks his big hard belly bothers me. He thinks I'll be disgusted by him if he becomes bald (thankfully I've stoped pointing out to him how rapidly his "thin patch" is losing it's trees). When I first met him he was fat, and had his hair cut so close he may as well have been bald. Just to clarify I think bald cuts only look good on certain men, it is the balding look that I like. The receding hair line and the thin patch on top. I can't say as I understand this attraction, but I can't deny it's there.

I met my hubby online through an online dating service. After we talked via email, messenger, and phone, for a few months we agreed to met in person. The round hard belly didn't bother me, and no matter how many times I told him that it didn't turn me off, he remained uneasy about me touching it. At least now he understands me a little better and doesn't grimace when I grab his pregnancy-esque tummy that is covered in red hair. There is the massive amount of freckles, the blue eyes, the red hair, the balding, the big belly, and the ugly feet. I know I am weird, but I don't like feet, I never have. He possesses so many features that I swore disgusted me when I was a teen, so how is it that he drives me wild? He is built a little bit like a bull. Thick neck, thick chest, wide shoulders, and an endurance that sometimes amazes me.

To make my husband perfect, I don't think I would change the way he looks. If I could change anything it would be his attitude. Not his personality, just his attitude and level of confidence. He doesn't carry himself with any sense of pride, and I wish he did. He is a smart man who works hard and I think he deserves to have more pride in himself and more confidence. I blame his mother for this, because I don't think he would be like this if she hadn't constantly told him he wasn't good enough when he was growing up. I won't talk about that though, as there is not enough time in the whole world to talk about "her."

Yes there are some things I wish were different about my husband, but over all I think he's a pretty neat guy. He puts up with me after all ;) I can be hard to live with sometimes, as my sense of humor is a little strange. I am the one with the chimney sweep song from Mary Poppins as my ring tone for when my hubby calls, ONLY because it bugs him. He was sorta annoyed at first, but now thinks it's funny. When anyone else calls me, its the Imperial March from Star Wars, lol I know, you wouldn't think the two would go together at all...and they don't :P

This is sort of another note, but I wanted to add that my hubby has gotten much sexier to me after he has started his new job (and I was insanely attracted to him before ;). He has went from wearing ratty jeans and tee's stained with plumbing glue and paint to wearing dress slacks, dress shirt, and a tie. Is that the whole "power" thing again? What ever it is, I like it. This has brought a fetish to light though. Hubby likes me to wear one of his ties while we have sex cowgirl style. I didn't think much of it the first time he asked. It is kinda hot, and I don't mind wearing a man's neck tie, but he has been asking for it a lot lately. lol He could have came up with something weirder though, so I am thankful. I must admit I do look pretty hot with a tie hanging between my busty boobs ;) At least he doesn't ask me to wear his pizza delivery boy hat, lol I would say no to that one.

COMPLETELY off subject here, but I printed out butt loads of free knit and crochet patterns yesterday (in fact we need more ink now). We are still kinda broke, so I am trying to think of cheapish presents that have some meaning to them for XMAS and birthdays this year. I can make gifts for around $15-$50 depending on how large the item is and what kind of yarn it calls for. There is a pattern for a knitted dress I'd like to make for myself, but figured up the cost of the "cashmere blend" yarn and it would be around $150. I could buy a dress cheaper than that, so I won't probably make it for quite a long while. I have picked out yarns though and had hubby pick some up last night on his way home from delivering pizza. I bought enough yarn to make a beautiful blanket for a friend's new baby girl, and yarn for a shrug for a friend for birthday in a couple months. After those are done I'll need to pick up yarn to make a little kitted vest for my nephew who will be turning 2 in a couple months. I don't like most home knitted or crocheted things because they look so cheap, but I've actually been able to find some very nice patterns online that were free. I am a stickler for wanting things to look professional and neat.

I was going to post a link to the baby blanket I will be starting on today, but Coats and Clark's website isn't loading. I'll add a link to it another day though. This pattern is "Experienced" level, so I should be working on it a few days. If I can't get a stupid link, I'll just take a picture of the finished product.

Some new dvds came from netflix today, 2 Sopranos, 2 Star Trek, the next generation, and Whisper of the Heart. I'd better get "busy" ;)

New toys always make me smile :D

2008-09-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

The Fleshlight did come! It was fun to play with, though I must say hubby's reaction was a little disappointing at first. I got it all cleaned up and ready for when he got home, so he wouldn't have to mess with it. I was right in guessing that he would want me to use it on him.

I am a little confused as to what exactly he was expecting from it. He spent a lot of time complaining that it wasn't tight enough. I finally had to tell him to stop bitching about it and just relax. He followed my advice and closed his eyes and tried to relax, instead of critiquing how I held the monstrously huge fleshlight. Not surprisingly, he reported that it felt much better when he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the sensations. He has wanted to include it into our lovemaking a couple times since that first run. The favorite use so far is to fold a pillow around it and he can lay on it and use it while he goes down on me. That use alone is worth having one. He likes it enough that he is interested in getting a different sleeve that is either tighter or has some ridges. The "original" sleeve was not as stimulating as either of us had hoped for, so we'll be buying a couple different ones to find a better fit for him. Fleshlight does some sales where it's buy two sleeves get a third one free, so I will most likely order from them next time instead of EdenFantasys. I would like to get a couple for him, so he has some variety.

We are still doing some product "research" so it will be a day or two until I get the review out. I always feel a little strange reviewing male specific toys, because of course I am not a man. It is a longer process than if it's just a toy for my use only. My hubby isn't much for writing, and has trouble articulating feelings and sensations to me. It is usually kind of like an interview, and occasionally it turns into an interrogation and we have to get out the flogger, but that's a whole other story ;) I can't just ask him to describe it to me I have to ask "does it feel more like *whatever* or does it feel like *whatever, whatever* ?" After about 20 "no's" he'll say, "maybe more like the first thing you said, and some of that last thing." Weirdly enough, as I was using it on him, he kept asking me if I liked it. I finally just started saying that it was sooo sexy and I loved using it on him every minute or so. I am guessing that's what he was looking for, given the look of utter egotistical satisfaction across his face. Wish he would have just said "I'd like you to tell me how sexy it is." Sometimes he really confuses me, but hey, life would be boring without it ;)

I'll be getting a new toy today, yay! I am not sure what it is exactly. When I first learned I'd be getting it I went to the site to find out more about it, well it just showed up under dvd's and it's called "Bonsai." An internet search lead me to this. Lol, needless to say I was a little bit taken aback. I was like, "whoa, that's pretty weird. Guess it will be interesting to review a porn, since I've never done that before." I was a bit wary of the whole "Asian Bush" fetish going on. I told my hubby about it, and he was excited about it! Honestly I was surprised, as he is into big boobs and "bare down there." I really don't like ethnicity as a fetish, as color of skin shouldn't be considered a fetish as far as I'm concerned. Heck, I'm white and I find it offensive, I can't imagine how black or asian people feel about it.

Anyways, back to what I was talking about...hubby gets weird with porn. The rule in our house is that we only watch porn together, since he doesn't like me watching it without him, and I don't like him using all his sex drive up without me, so the rule only made sense to both of us. He is always majorly excited to watch porn together, until it actually starts...then come the comments. "wow, this is stupid. She isn't very hot. Ewww, that's gross, why would anybody enjoy that?" It usually goes on like that for about five minutes until I've had enough of it, I ask him if he just wants to turn it off...and of course he doesn't. lol I have come to believe that he really likes it, but doesn't want me to know that he does. If he can tell that I am enjoying it, he insists we turn it off and just go get busy without it. Needless to say, we don't watch porn much, as it usually only ends up lasting for about 5 minutes until we abandon it.

Yesterday I went to see if anything new about the toy had been put up onto the site, and it is now listed as a G-spot toy! I told my hubby, and he was visually disappointed (again, I wish he would make up his mind about porn so we can either not bother or else enjoy it). Anyways, I'm a little bit worried about what this toy is going to look like. Bonsai? Like a tree? I had hoped that it was a wooden toy, but it says it vibrates, so it's not likely. I have this image in my head of a woman (not me, as my imagination is not that self-torturous) trying to use a bonsai tree as a sex toy. I have NO idea what to expect! I am hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Waaaaay off topic here, but I fit into my pre-second baby jeans yesterday! They are junior's sizes and I don't understand the sizing as compared to ladies'. These are size 13, and they are a little smaller than my ladies' size 10 jeans. I am guessing they are near in size to what 9's would be, if I could find size 9 anywhere I would compare, though I am under the impression no such thing exists. I am NOT down to size 8 jeans yet, and I know I wouldn't be able to get my butt into a pair even if I tried. A few weeks ago I tried putting on a pair of my jeans from in between children, and I actually ripped the butt where the belt loop was sewn down. lol I won't try so hard next time :) It seems like there weren't any ladies jeans in the styles that I like (and fit me) back then. It was only 3 years ago, but it seems like ladies jeans include more than just "mom jeans" now. I may be a mother, but I am only 24 for pete's sake! Actually I doubt I'll want to wear the jeans, with tapered legs and a waist that sits under my boobs, no matter what age I reach. I have really been diggin' the Levi's that are boot cut with a mid-raise waist. They aren't too high, but my ass crack doesn't show either, and boot cut is the only style of jeans I will allow on my body.

So totally into rambling there. I should go put the netflix dvd's out before the mailman comes. When I pay the same amount no matter how long I keep the movies, I feel like I have to watch them and get them back out in the mail as fast as I possibly can. lol I know that defeats the purpose or the whole "no late fees" thing, but seriously, I don't want to just thrown my money at them for nothing!

Awaiting the torch

2008-09-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

How long until I become flamed? Not sure. Do I care? Nope...why should I? I am of course talking about the recent post I made on edenfantasys regarding the reviewer ranking change. Well, it wasn't so much about the change as it was about the conduct of one reviewer. What should have been a place for friendly discussion and useful feedback for the site turned into a vicious argument with one person dominating all posts by others. It has been bothering ever since this person chimed in with responses accusing the system of being unfair and being only a "popularity contest."

The original goal has been lost. The ranking system was to change to better suit the reviewers contributing to the program. It has since changed into being an avenue for one person to get what they want, and be damned if you don't agree. It pisses me off to see so many people making suggestions that are pertinent only to have one person argue their suggestion into oblivion until the others feel there is no point in posting their thoughts and comments. It appals me that eden is trying so hard to conform to what a small handful of people want. Is the majority getting left out in the cold to satisfy the few? The community has already started to die; I can't be the only one who is concerned about this? What will happen when activity on the site no longer holds any meaning? I can see people being upset because others have more time to devote to commenting, but isn't that essentially the same as holding a grudge against the neighbor because they can afford a newer car? Wasn't a cap on number of reviews put into place because one person had more time and money available than others did? Wasn't that cap put into place because the others were upset that this one person had an "unfair" advantage? I don't see what's so unfair about someone having more "stuff" than someone else does. I am grateful for all the time and effort that went into those reviews. I have avoided some bad toys because that person has more time and money than I do. Why all the bitterness? I just don't get how someone could feel so much resentment over something that happens in everyday life.

I have went into the forums and read the posts many times. I always go in hoping that the argumentativeness has died down, only to find that it is still there. I see people not bothering to post anymore. I end up typing up a post about how every one's feedback is important, then I remember that anything I post will be discredited by that person. I just cancel out and close the browser. I am left disgusted and disappointed.

Today I finally clicked on the "Post" button. It was an insanely long post, but I had a lot to say. It came out a lot harsher than I wanted it to, but it needed to be said. I see people who felt strongly about the issue backing down and not bothering to state their opinions anymore, and it pisses me off. There is a strong sense of community, and I hate seeing that ripped apart. Why should many be alienated for one? If no one else will stand up and tell this person to chill out, then I must. I don't see much motivating for all the bickering other than a power struggle. I feel that most of the people in the reviewer community are friends. Not close friends of course, but I still feel that my respect and trust is well placed in them. I hold respect for the person whom is taking charge and trying to make it all about her. I have enjoyed her reviews, and I feel she is a very welcome part of the program. I do not understand the resentment and bitterness that is coming out though...it just feels so misplaced and judgemental. What is wrong with people disagreeing? Just because we hold different views does not mean that one of us is "right" and the other "wrong."

I am not holding my breath for the flaming that is to come. I expect it, given all the haughtiness that has been present during the discussions. There is too much bitterness for anger to not also be present. I am done talking and thinking about this for now. I have other things to occupy my mind with.

Still on the subject of Edenfantasys, I should be getting my next assignment toy today. I had requested a Fleshlight for my hubby. I am pretty excited about it actually. I doubt my husband will ever use it without me, as his sex drive is usually pretty low. I initiate the sex almost 100% of the time. Last night he didn't want to have sex, but we hadn't been together sexually the day before either. I just waited until he was asleep then worked on him a bit. Doesn't take much to make a sleeping man horny :) Anyways, he woke up with a much different attitude than he fell asleep with. I was kind and didn't make him do anything, heck that's what the Hitachi is for!

I got off track there :( The Fleshlight we are getting is the non-descript one in "ice" with the original sleeve. The Fleshlight website is kind of a cool place actually. It really annoys me that the women for the presentation have such a "porn star" attitude. It actually makes me sick to hear and see the super fakey tell tale signs of a porn actor. The is a good number of different sleeves that I didn't know about previously. If my husband likes the original sleeve, then I may buy him one of the "fancier" ones for Christmas. I am not worried about a masturbator replacing me at all. Hubby prefers vaginal intercourse to everything else anyway. I've heard that men prefer anal sex because it is so much tighter and more pleasurable than vaginal sex. Hubby told me that was stupid. He doesn't think anal could ever be better than vaginal sex. He told me my cunt was almost too tight for him...but I think he said that just to make me happy.

I have not been using the Kegelscisor much lately. I thought it would be great to have stronger muscles down there, but hubby asked me to stop after the first week. I don't seem to grip and pull in with my muscles, instead it is more of a pushing. I am not usually aware of it during sex until I push him out and he gets pissed. I've tried explaining to him that I don't do it on purpose, it is just my body's response to the pleasure he is giving me. He doesn't get as upset over it now because I told him that, but it still irritates him to be pushed out. It seems weird to me that he says I am really tight and strong, when my previous lover told me I was sloppy and loose. Maybe it's all the sex that has made me stronger and more toned down there :P Either way, I don't want to get to the point where I break his dick during sex.

The Kegelscisor sits neatly in it's padded box, tempting me to use it. I have the smart balls too, but not much worry about them making me stronger as they don't seem to do much. I actually have found that they are not that great at staying in place. They stay in great until I start to get aroused. My muscles loosen up and get ready for penetration, which is not conducting to holding something inside. Then after the first bit of arousal is over with, my muscles start working and trying to push the damn things out. I'm not sure if many women have that problem, as I am constantly reading how well they stay in place. I just seem to do the pushing as apposed to the pulling with my pc muscles. It has come to mind if it is possible for a woman's pc muscles to become so strong as to actually break a penis. Wouldn't that be a surprise for a rapist?! Not saying that I will develop my muscles then try to get raped for that purpose. It was just a random thought. I shared the thought with my hubby, and I maybe shouldn't have. Lol he got that very worried look in his face like it was my goal to try and break his dick.

Speaking of muscle strength, I've been doing good with the workouts. I took a couple days off from it because I had been so sick, but it didn't seem to slow down my progress much. I feel much stronger than I did when we first started the program. I am finally under 200 lbs now too. I weighed in at 199.5 lbs this morning. It doesn't seem like a whole lot to lose, but it feels like a lot off of my body. I am going to have to do something with my wedding ring, as it is nearly impossible to keep it on my ring finger. I started wearing it on my index finger and hubby freaked out. He suggested I get a chain and wear it around my neck instead, but I don't generally wear necklaces. I may do that though, as I don't want to not wear it at all. I was down to 199.5 lbs at one point before, but ballooned back up to 210 after a couple months of junk food and no exercise. Really bites that it took so much hard work to get those stupid 10 pounds off again.

I am lazy today, so sorry no links. I doubt I come back and add them in later either. Today has been a more restful day. Yesterday I steam cleaned the carpets, washed all 8 loads of laundry, worked on patching walls in the stairwell, painted cabinets, cleaned up the cat's area in the basement, rearranged the girls' bedrooms, and other menial tasks like straighting up and doing dishes besides taking care of the girls. It was a long hard day, so today is my day is sit on my ass and knit while sipping on coffee spiked with coconut rum...yummy :)

Calling in sick

2008-09-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been sick. My hubby was so nice as to bring home germs to me, and I've spent the past couple days with a lovely head cold. I haven't been on the Internet much lately because of it. I doubt I'll even get on the computer today besides to write this.

Hubby stayed home from work yesterday to help take care of the girls so I could rest. Yesterday was pizza delivering, NOT working selling furniture. If he would have worked at his new job yesterday, it wouldn't matter if I was dying, he wouldn't have stayed home with me.

My oldest daughter ought to be getting home from preschool soon. The school was supposed to be good for her, it was supposed to help her get past her speaking difficulties. The only thing she has learned from school so far is to give up in the face of moderate difficulty. I hate hearing the words "I can't mommy" coming from her mouth. She never said "I can't" before she went to preschool. She used to ask for help, or tell me that something was frustrating, but she never just flat out gave up. I must say that I haven't been that impressed at her "learning" anything from school. Her speech improved more over the summer break than it had while she was in school. The only reason I still have her going is because she enjoys it so much and she is learning social behavior and how to make friends and get along with other children her own age.

It is frustrating to have a child who is behind in something. My daughter doesn't have anything serious, just slow speech development. She is smart (of course every parent says that of their children) but she has a lot of trouble forming words. Some letters are impossible for her to form at this point, no matter how hard she tries she just can't do it yet. She has gotten to the point other people can understand her sometimes, as opposed to others not being able to understand anything she says. It is hard for me to not help her when she is struggling with words. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. If I were to do everything for her, then she would never learn. It is difficult to not be able to fix this for her. Encouraging her and giving her the opportunities to practice is all that I can do for her.

My head hurts too bad, think I'm done on the computer for the day.

Lazy Saturday

2008-09-06T16:39:00.000-07:00

It is a Saturday, and I'm really feeling it. The girls have been cranky, I've been tired, and hubby has been at work all day. I've been drinking cup after cup of coffee all day. I can't say that it helps me to not be so tired, but it does taste good. One must consider though that I use Irish Cream in my coffee, so of course it tastes good ;) I may as well just drink the Baily's straight though and save the coffee.

I have been seeing so many P90X commercials on T.V. lately. This morning after hubby and I finished our workout, I switched the T.V. over to the local channels, and there was an infomercial for the workout we just got done doing! I changed the channel and there was another one!

I am really feeling like this is a knitting and crocheting time of year. It is so cold and rainy out when only a couple weeks ago it was bone-dry and hot. My little nephew will be turning 2 in a couple months, and I have been searching online for a good cardigan pattern. I think I finally found one. I found some fun looking ones that I can make for my girls too. At least making things for little kids is a lot faster than making adult sized projects. I have been crocheting lately, and am looking forward to doing a knitting project. I think I'll have hubby stop by the store on the way home and pick up enough yarn for one cardigan pattern I found for my oldest daughter. I will probably do two if the first one turns out good. Pink or red for the nearly 4 year old, and purple or soft blue for the 2 year old. The colors all depend on what Wal-Mart has, as Michael's is too expensive and all the fricken' way across town, and the other craft stores don't stay open this late.

While looking at patterns and yarns, I came across glow in the dark yarn by bernat. Okay, I must say I was pretty surprised, and I am going to just HAVE to make slippers for my girls out of this stuff. I know my nearly 4-year-old, would think it was super cool.

Enough about yarn and crafts before I feel like I should be sitting in a rocking chair with a cat on my lap. I am a member of Netflix, and honestly I am very excited for when I will be able to watch the "instant viewing" movies on the T.V. via Xbox 360. For some stupid reason the computer is playing videos in black and white, and really dark as well. Flash video works fine though. I downloaded the newest episodes of Bleach, and when I went to watch one was pretty pissed that I could barely see it. I'll have to have hubby take a look at it tonight, as I've been far to lazy feeling today to want to fix anything. I have a couple movies from Netflix that I still need to watch, namely Ed Wood (Johnny Depp is an awesome actor in my book, and mighty nice to look at as well;) and Schindler's List which I've been wanting to watch for a couple years now. My favorite movie of all time is the Shawshank Redemption, and several people that liked that told me that I would love Schindler's List. I had watched Castle in the Sky and Princess Mononoke recently, and just sent them back today in fact.

I've been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, and have been finding it quite amusing. I didn't remember them being so corny from my childhood, so it is a good fun show to watch. My father has most of the original Star Trek on VHS, and I really like watching them as well. It is always funny to me how Spock can get the crap beat out of him and his clothes are just fine. Kirk gets slapped in the face and his shirt tears off. lol It is actually a very provocative show for being made during the 60's, as it seems like William Shatner manages to get naked a lot during the series, not to mention he makes out with virtually every female character on the show. To say the least, it has been fun watching the Next Generation and realizing that those actors really were that young once upon a time. I just returned the 2nd disc of the first season, and am looking forward to the 3rd one coming. It is a show that I can crochet or knit while I watch it.

Hubby watched the video review of Tales of Vesperia with me yesterday. It convinced him we should get that game. I've been wanting another Tales game for awhile, as I really enjoyed Tales of Symphonia for the Game Cube (also playable on the Wii :) I was a little concerned though that the video review didn't say if a human player could control any of the party members during battle though. That was a big draw for us with the Tales of Symphonia game, as it made it fun to be able to play it together.

I loaned Blue Dragon to my brother. It seemed okay at first, but, bleh does it ever get slow quickly. I was really hoping for something better from the man who created Final Fantasy. I have been reluctant to play Lost Odyssey because of how slow and repetitive Blue Dragon felt to me. I hear it is good though, so I will try it eventually. I am really waiting for Fable II and Fallout 3 this fall, so I need to have some money on hand in October. Both of those games look awesome, and I am really excited for them. Heck, I still play Oblivion some and I've clocked in over 400 hours of game play on that (not the same character though). The only thing that hasn't been collecting dust lately has been the 360. My PSP is more than likely dead from not playing it for so long. I should actually plug it in to charge it as I still have a couple games for it that I didn't finish :( My DS is probably in the same boat. Isn't it sad that I had to buy an ugly pink DS just so my husband wouldn't take it to work with him? lol When my oldest daughter gets old enough to play video games I'll probably give it to her, she would love to play Nintendogs :) I don't think the Wii or PS2 have been turned on in the past 2 months even. I don't own a PS3 yet, as there honestly aren't any games for it that I want. Final Fantasy 13 MIGHT have been worth looking into one for, but now it is coming out for the Xbox 360 as well, so what's the point? All the best shooters and RPG's are coming to the 360, and I'm quickly seeing the only reason to buy a PS3 for is a Blu-ray player.

I think I am almost done typing. Just one last little thing. My hubby is really enjoying his job. He is pretty much done with training and will be on commission next week. I was hoping he would get a really good discount, but he only gets 10% off. That will still help though as we buy more furniture for our house. I want to get captain beds for both of the girls. They are still in toddler sized beds that we converted their cribs into. Those beds will only be safe to age 5 or 50 pounds. I really love the idea of captain beds. Those are the kinds of beds that have built in drawers under the mattress, they are also known as "mate's beds" "trunk beds" "drawer beds" and probably lots of other names as well. The bedrooms are fairly small in this house and there isn't a whole lot of room for bedroom furniture, so that would solve some of the issue at least. Hubby has decided what kind of sectional he wants for the basement when we get around to remodeling it. He thinks I would love the Shiatsu style massage reclining theater seating. He is probably right too, it does sound like something most people would love.

Anyways, it is getting late, and these little girls are getting cranky enough they may have to go to bed early. Besides, my hands hurt from all this typing...

Still working my butt off

2008-09-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say really. Mainly tomorrow is hubby's first day at his new job. He bought some new clothes today, so he's got enough different outfits to last him 5 days without wearing the same thing twice. He'll be able to switch the shirts and pants around some without it being too obvious, but he will need more clothes soon. I can't tell if he's excited or not about tomorrow. He really hasn't been saying much about. The biggest indicator that he is nervous and excited about it is that he asked me like 5 times if his clothes looked okay. Hopefully it goes well for him.

I can't believe I'm almost done with week one of the P90X!! Tomorrow is either a rest day or "X stretch" We will be doing the X stretch as I am still pretty sore and the stretching would feel good. Today was the Kenpo X, and it was kinda awkward. It is all punching and kicking, but 'ol Tony Horton wasn't slowing down to explain the move before doing it. While they are all at the 10th rep, I'm still standing there like an idiot trying to figure out how I make my body do what it is supposed to. That whole punching while thrusting your coordinating hip forward just feels so unnatural and awkward to me. Hopefully I'll get it down a little bit better for next week.

That stupid Legs and Back from yesterday really made my butt sore. I can't figure out which exercise did it, but my ass feels like someone beat me with a baseball bat. I can't believe how sore that left me. It hurts to sit down, and going up or down stairs is a real killer.

I was so excited last post, I had lost 1.5 pounds that day...yeah, I gained it all back :( I have managed to not lose a single freaking pound this whole week!!! I would be totally pissed and upset if it weren't for the fact that my jeans are fitting better. I am thinking that I am actually building a little bit of muscle and that is outweighing the fat that I am burning (muscle does weigh more after all).

Yesterday I was pretty proud of myself that I was able to do two of the V-up, Pulse-up ab exercises. lol That sounds pretty pathetic really, but I couldn't do a single one during the previous Ab Ripper X workout. I also managed to do more of the other exercises. Yesterday was the third time doing the Ab Ripper X. The first time, I think I managed to get 5 sit ups. lol I really felt weak and wimpy after that, so I am amazed with my progress thus far. Hopefully be the end of the 90 days I'll be able to keep up with the people on the DVD...Hah! yeah, right ;)

Hubby wants to continue to do the program after finishing it, just to keep bulking up and to maintain. We will be done with the program the first week of December. I will stop doing it then, because we are planning on trying for another baby then (IF the job works out good). This is definitely NOT a program to do while pregnant or postpartum. If I get pregnant when planned, and everything goes good (namely that I live through the operation, as I seem to have a problem with hemorrhaging and trying to bleed to death) I will pick it up and start doing it again after healed from the surgery. I will most likely do other exercise that is really light for the first year, then do the P90X workout again after that. I won't exactly be able to have a 6 pack through all that, but I will be a hell of a lot thinner than I am now.

Anyways, it's time for bed. Big day tomorrow :)

The ramblings continue, forever on and on...

2008-08-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

Egads! Am I ever sore! These workouts are definitely hard core. I did lose 1.5 lbs from yesterday to today though, so it seems to be paying off. It probably isn't so honorable of me, but I was pleased with myself that I out-performed my husband during the Ab Ripper X workout. I am very very sore today, and I am really looking forward to the Yoga X tomorrow. At least that will be mostly stretching and flexibility (do I ever need to work on my flexibility!!). Today's workout was the Shoulders and Arms, and it was just curls and weight training. The Plyometrics workout was more difficult than this one was. My legs are still sore from all those "jump squats" yesterday.

I got my review of SaSi up! I actually found it to be kinda difficult to write. There is just so much to say about the SaSi! Plus I wrote it late at night, and was a little worried my brain was fried from being tired. It seems to have turned out okay though. No "wow what a crappy review" comments as of yet ;) Actually, the people in the review community on Eden all are quite tactful and nice.

I find myself wondering about the affiliate program. Of all the coupons I have given out, nobody has used my partner code to make a purchase yet! I was pretty surprised actually because a couple people seemed really excited about the 15% discount. The only one who uses my partner code seems to be me, sad as that is. Oh well, at least I'm getting the 15% discount. I've wondered if people have an aversion to using it because of the other person getting a 5% commission. I would think that since they were saving 15% they wouldn't care at all if the other person was making 5% off of the sale. Maybe I just need to make more friends ;)

If you do a search in Google for edenfantasy coupons, you will most likely find tons of people's partner codes. I don't advertise mine this way, although maybe I should think about it. My husband thinks I should be able to use my own partner code, but I don't understand why not. During the order process it does say "Enter your Coupon or Partner Code." Besides, I review every single product I buy from them. The commission I make, will just go back into buying another toy once I get enough to redeem.

Anyways, I am starting to zone out really bad. Guess that means it's time to do something else. Maybe I'll go soak my sore body in the tub for a couple hours until I turn into a prune ;)

Anxiously waiting for the mail man.

2008-08-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

The mail should be here in a couple hours. Even knowing the mail never comes this early, I am still looking out the window every 5 minutes. I know Eden put the expected delivery date as tomorrow, but I always get packages a day early. I checked the tracking on the package and it showed in left it's last stop yesterday morning, and that city is about 200 miles from here. I am pretty sure it will come today, and I am having a hard time remaining calm.

I ordered a group of lubes on Tuesday. Oddly enough they still haven't shipped out yet. I should have selected the USPS priority shipping instead of the DHL 2nd day. I was hoping I'd get the package in time for the weekend (like the freakin' guarantee claims) but the expected arrival date isn't until next Tuesday. Thank goodness I added some lube to the SaSi order. This does mean though that I will have to use my Maximus sparingly until next week :( I'll write a follow up for it after I've tried my other lubes and once the bottle is completely empty.

On a different note, I am sore from yesterday. It really didn't hit me until noon rolled around. Yesterday's workout was pretty intense, but I was only able to get through half of the Plyometrics (jump training) this morning. The workout was 60 minutes long, so I still got in about 35 minutes of intense exercise. I thought I'd better slow down before my heart burst. From yesterday I am avoiding lifting my arms above my head very often, and from today's workout I am avoiding the stairs. lol Pretty soon I'll be able to do nothing but type or crochet.

I actually haven't mentioned before that I crochet and knit. It seems to be good for keeping my hand busy (so they can't stuff my face) and helps me relax. I have made more than one afghan out of anger, ha! I have been pretty down these past few months with all the stress and just being kinda blue in general. I had gotten away from my crafty hobbies after finishing my last afghan when the weather started to turn warmer. It has been cooling down enough this past week that I can actually stand to work on a blanket again. I had wanted to try this pattern for awhile since it was on the skein of yarn I'd gotten for the previous project. This one is supposed to be "intermediate" level, but the only thing sort of challenging about it is the crappy instructions. I had to experiment on my own to get the stitches to look like the ones in the picture. I've got the hang of it now though, and since the pattern just repeats the same 12 rows, I no longer need to work from the pattern. I will refer back to it once I am on the last row, just in case.

I was really hoping the mail man would come while I was typing this up, but he still isn't even on the block yet :( Bleh...I need to find something to do to pass the time. Too bad since the new hard drive got installed I will need to install all the Sims 2 on it. Hubby did save my save files though, so that will be nice. It just takes so freakin' long to install all the expansions and the stuff packs. I am not that zealous about getting them put on even. Hubby can't get the sound card to work, so we will probably have to end up buying a new one of those too :( For some stupid reason he can't get the drivers to load. I never noticed the sound so much, but not having any sound on the computer really blows. I was going to watch a video review for the Tales of Vesperia video game, but it's pretty impossible without being able to hear what the guy is saying. I could have always read the written review, but I was lazy and decided against it. Hubby said he saw a video card at evil-mart (yes, I hate wal mart and its always busy, always crowed aisles and checkout lanes that take over 30 minutes to get through). He said it was about $25. I would rant about how much I hate how crowded wal-mart is, but I'll leave that for a time when I'm really pissed because I've just been there and got ran over by a cart driven by a grandma. It's been about 3 weeks since I've been there. When we went shopping for school clothes for the "big girl" we went to Target, Kmart, and ShopKo but not to walmart. We got her a whole new wardrobe (including hair items and 3 pairs of shoes) for about $200. There were several shirts that were on clearance for between $3 and $5. Anyways, I really got off track there!

I see the mail man just drove up and parked on the block. If the SaSi order came, then I'll probably post that I got it later. Otherwise, I'll just post tomorrow.

Working my butt off...hopefully :)

2008-08-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

So I just started the Alli Diet two weeks ago, I've been doing Pilates, and I've lost 7 pounds. Great progress...only it's not good enough. I feel week, I still don't have any energy, and my freakin' joints hurt! I don't just want to lose weight; I want to feel strong and healthy too.

My husband won't do the Pilates with me, so I dug the P90X stuff out of the storage room. My husband had bought this workout program over a year ago. He got into the second week and kinda just dropped out of it due to excess stress at work. We are both doing it this time. We are using the bands instead of weights or chin up bars at this point. I need to buy a new band though. I got a "light" resistance band that is supposed to be good for beginners and moderately active people. It felt like there was almost no resistance at all! I am not strong by any means, so this kind of surprised me.

This morning we did the first work out, after the oldest girl got on the bus to head to Pre-School. The one for today was the chest and back workout. What it is, is basically a routine of different pull ups and push ups. There are twelve exercises (and yes, they are all variations of pull ups and push ups (military push ups, decline push ups, dive-bomber push ups, back flys, wide, narrow, and everywhere in between pull ups, front and back hand grips, and some others)). No kidding about it, this was an intense workout. Oh, I forgot to mention, after you are done with all twelve of those exercises, you go back through and repeat the whole thing! I'm not going to lie, I am a little bit tired and sore. lol After the 60 minutes worth of the Chest and Back workout is the Ab Ripper X workout, which adds another 30 minutes. No joke, the name of the ab routine is pretty accurate. Thank goodness I won't have to do it tomorrow, because my abs (or where my abs will be :( ) are really sore!

I did better than I thought with keeping up with the workout (actually quite comparable to my husband), which pleased me. I managed to do 3 push ups, then had to resort to girl push ups for the rest. By the end of work out though, I couldn't do even a girl push up. I would go to lower myself into it and end up on the floor, lol I totally got my ass whipped. I really had a HUGE feeling of accomplishment when the whole thing was done. I feel crazy for it, but I actually am looking forward to getting up early for tomorrow's workout. Tomorrow is plyometrics, which is basically jumps and lunges (and jump lunges ;). I will not be "ripped" in 90 days like promised, because I am NOT already at an ideal weight. The program is meant (ideally) for people who are at a healthy weight and want to get in really good shape and bulk up (for men) or lean out (for women). My idea with this is that I was not getting much as far as muscle building (which burns fat like a bitch) and this workout should melt it off my body faster than the Pilates would.

I am going for the longer leaner look, and hubby is aiming for the bulk up with big muscles. I do really like that by adjusting weights and reps that he can get a workout suited for him and I can get one suited for me at the same time. It is kinda fun to do it together too. When I feel cheesy and awkward, all I have to do is look over at him ;)

One challenge for me is adding more protein and carbs to my diet. On the Alli diet I had a hard time pushing 1500 calories a day and I never got up to the 1800 I was supposed to eat for my weight bracket. I just can't eat that many healthy foods to get the calories (one whopper would do it, but that isn't exactly healthy calories). Tonight instead of one small chicken fajita, I had two (whole wheat wrap, low fat sour cream, and salsa helped make it pretty low in fat).

The food has always been a big deal for me. I get addicted to fast food, Italian food, Mexican food, and ice cream of course ;) If I can get through a few weeks of no fast food, then it seems like I stop craving it so much. When I had been on my good run and lost the 35 lbs before, I had french fries towards the end of it, and almost threw up. The amount of salt that was on the fries tasted more like I put a handful of salt in my mouth. The sweet things are what I have the most trouble resisting. I finally decided that fruit wasn't cutting it for me, and when I want something sweet now I just have a serving of fat free frozen yogurt. I need to get away from the pop (soda in other parts of the US). I was able to at least switch from regular to diet. I don't like the idea of artificial sweeteners, but at least now I don't notice the aftertaste so much. I try to drink lots of water and some iced teas. The crystal light teas and the Lipton teas that are single serving sizes (the kind that comes in a powder that is portioned for bottled water) have been really great for me. I don't use bottled water though, instead I have a water bottle that I fill out of the fridge dispenser since it's filtered. The bottled water is super convenient, but expensive and not so great for the planet.

I have been taking the Alli pills for two weeks, and during that time I have been eating really healthy. I am pretty much over the cravings for fat and salt. I am feeling confident that this time I will be able to drop more than just 10 pounds. Those 35 pounds that I lost during the first part of the year felt awesome to be rid of. I have 50 lbs to go until I am at my goal of 150 lbs, and I can't imagine how great it will feel to be rid of those 50 lbs.

150 is my "realistic" weight that I set for myself (being 5'8" that was pretty near the middle for healthy weight for a woman with average bone structure (according to Dr. Phil's diet book (which has helped me get past the emotional eating even though I don't use the nutrition plan exactly))). In high school I weighed in at 128. I have grown up since then and have had two children, so I realise that I most likely won't get back down to that. I am planing on getting to a point where I feel so great and am so fit that the scale doesn't matter to me at all anymore.

Holy crap! I did not realize that it was so late! It is no longer Wednesday, as it is past midnight. I gotta go to bed so I can even get up and do my work out.

No longer jobless!

2008-08-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

YAY!! Hubby got a phone call this morning, and now he has a job! This was the job selling furniture that he was sure he would get because the interviewer seemed so impressed with him. They had chosen another applicant over hubby though. This morning the guy said that the other applicant didn't work out, and if hubby was still interested in the job. Okay, crappy thing is that this means we have to go clothes shopping for him. This is a tie wearing job, whereas all of his past jobs have been casual office wear. Thank goodness a sport coat isn't required. I just order the SaSi last night, we don't have money for a sport coat now. lol More on that later ;)

Oh, the feeling of security that comes with knowing we may not end up homeless after all :) We don't know when his first day will be yet. After the criminal check comes back then we'll find out I guess. Considering hubby has never been arrested and has only had a couple traffic violations (speeding and a turning into the far lane during at a corner), he's not worried at all.

I am very excited that he got a job finally. Our income has been super pitiful, and although this is a low paying job, it is still twice what he made before. Hubby has decided that what he would like to get into is real estate. He loves to sell, and he likes looking at houses, so he figured the perfect fit would be a Realtor. The plan so far, is that we will pay off all our debt (including the car) we will save up enough money to live on for about 6 months, then he will go through the course and get certified. There are enough real estate agencies in the area he should be able to get on at one of them. The plan is that he wouldn't quit his job (even though he has a thing for doing that :( ) until after he gets hired on someplace.

We worked with two Realtors when we were looking for a house, and honestly they both sucked. The guy that was voted Realtor of the year in the state couldn't even listen to what kind of house we wanted. We told him our price range (according to our pre-approval at the bank) and how many bedrooms and square footage we had to have in a house. We also told him some of our wants. Think he ever showed us a house that was in our price range, or had enough bedrooms? Think he ever even showed us a house HE found for us? Nope. We were doing the digging, we were checking on houses coming onto the market. We missed out on at least five houses that were exactly what we were looking for, just because he wasn't doing his job. Is it too hard really to sit down with people and actually LISTEN to what they say? Anyways, we had other problems with him too, so we moved onto a different realtor (who honestly wasn't much better) and we ended up settling on the place we are in now.

The goal with this house is to update it and then sell it later (hopefully for a profit, even if it's small). We bought this house with a good amount of work needing done. The list is huge, but basically every room in the house needs remodeled, besides the kitchen and we are done with that. Unless of course we come into a lot of money or end up here for a very long time. In which case we would add on to the kitchen at least 5 or 6 feet, which would double the size (see how small our kitchen is?). The windows all need replaced (the house was built in 1949 and is showing it's age), needs new siding, new side walks, new water heater and furnace (were planning on going with Rinnai when we finally do), plus the wiring should be updated. The new windows will include egress in the basement. Not to mention our landscaping is the worst on the block (maybe street even). The people that lived here before us really did not upkeep the house or lot, and it shows. Anyways, I kinda got off track there.

So things are on the up and up. This means that hopefully I'll be able to get some of those toys I've been eyeing. Of course we'll need to pay off the credit debt we've racked up while trying to live off of a pizza delivery salary. There are so many awesome toys that I'm really pinning for. I did get an email saying my order shipped. The purple and the pink SaSi's are out of stock now, leaving the black. I ordered the purple, because it is so freakin' sexy looking! A toy that I really have my eye on is the Mia by LELO. Just something sexy about it, plus I'm thinking it would be uber powerful and so discreet too.

Last night I ordered 4 things. The SaSi in purple, the Celtic by Gear Essentials, the original Rabbit Pearl, and a bottle of Liquid Silk. My husband is really excited about this order. He usually likes looking through the toys and helping me play with them or course, but he usually doesn't get excited BEFORE the order gets here. After we tried a metal cock ring the first time, he decided he loved metal. He has this weird thing were he thinks his cock is too small, so it made him feel really great that he takes a 2 inch cock ring. lol I don't know how many times I've told him that as far as size, he is smack in the middle of average. I don't know about everyone else, but in my reviews I am completely honest about my husband's girth. I think it is important when buying a cock ring to know what size it will fit. Some guys are huge and think they are average. If I bought a stretchy ring that was too lose for a guy that has a 1 3/4 inch girth, how would that fit my man who is 1 1/2 inch? There are a couple other reviews that list their, partner's girth when reviewing cock rings. For the handful that I am talking about, thank you very much. It is very helpful to shoppers.

I think many people are intimidated by metal cock rings. I mean, who hasn't heard a horror story about a man getting one stuck and making a trip to the ER? I have a cousin who tried using a silver napkin holder (a wedding present) on their honeymoon. Guess what? It got stuck and he had to take a trip to the ER in the middle of the night to get it cut off. I do feel that a lot of people are missing out on a really amazing sexual accessory because of these kinds of things happening. All it takes is some careful measuring to determine the correct size. Gear Essentials' website has some useful sizing info. If you go look at it, take a peek at their ball weights. They have one on there that is 36 ounces! Speaking of weight, the Celtic ring I ordered, comes in at a heft 1 pound. I just hope my husband doesn't drop it on his foot and break a toe ;)

I mentioned this in my review of a set of metal O-rings recently, but my husband prefers the feel of metal over stretchy rings. He has an enlarged dorsal vein by the base of his penis, and while it doesn't bother him most of time, thin or too tight of cock rings really irritate it. He found that the metal ring fit well, but it didn't squeeze him like the jelly type ones do, thus not putting the stress of his vein. Plus, I have to admit, the metal just looks better adorning a cock than a stinky little pink bunny :P

I usually don't buy Jelly toys, but I bought the Rabbit Pearl. Dame Demi swears by it's power, so I ordered it. I am a sucker for power, I own a Hitachi after all ;) I will need to stock up on condoms before it comes. A box usually lasts us about two weeks as we only use them for anal sex. I am not sure what to do about the clit attachment though. Should I use a latex glove or a finger cot? I need to stock up on gloves anyways, I may just try using them for awhile. I am little worried it will get in the way of the little fluttery ears, but I don't think I want to soak up any more Phthalates than I did before I knew what they were.

The Liquid Silk ought to be good. I have wanted to try it for awhile now. I have (and love) Maximus, and they are made by the same company. I need more Maximus, as we only have about an inch left in the bottom of the bottle. I use that stuff nearly ever time I have sex. I've found that I prefer it for intercourse of all the lubes I have. I like silicone for genital massage (my hubby likes it for his solo time too, not that he gets much solo time as I am always horny), I use the System Jo H2O Flavored for oral, but otherwise Maximus is the stuff we both love. I really like the look of Liquid Silk. It is milky looking, more like a woman's real lubrication. From the reviews I have read of it, it sounds like it feels and functions like the real thing too.

There is no doubt that I am most excited about the SaSi though :) It is such an awesome looking toy. EdenFantasys says my shipment will get here Friday, but I always get my packages a day before they say I will. Boy, am I looking forward to Thursday! I had seen a video demo of the SaSi about 3-4 weeks ago, and fell in love with it instantly. I don't think I have ordered from a store besides Eden since I discovered it existed, so I put off buying it. There is an awesome awesome product that Tantus sells that Jimbo Jones pointed out to me (thank you so much Jimbo!!), that I really want to order but hadn't got around to it yet. Dame Demi also suggested a bullet to me that I need to get, but haven't placed the order yet.

Hubby did get the computer fixed. He ended up having to buy a new network card, but at least it is fixed now. He still has to grab our files from the old hard drive, but is scanning it for more viruses and spy ware. I would like to be able to play the Sims 2 sometime, but that is really a low priority. My brother loaned me Bioshock, and I still need to work through it. I am not sure how far into the game I am. Just got into the area after the escape pod thing gets destroyed. I had rented it when it came out, but had to return it before I beat it. So it has been a while since I played it, so I don't remember everything that happened.

Just as a quick side note, I am down to size 10 jeans! I started out wearing size 18 and they were pretty tight. So a size 10 feels amazing! My goal is to get down to a size 8, but I am thinking I may get smaller than that even. I was a size 6 when I was 17, but I realize my body has changed since then from the havoc babies do to a woman's body. I have to say that I love the results I get from my Pilate's dvd, even though I feel kinda cheesy doing it. The one woman in the dvd really needs to wear different work out clothes. If I want to see pussy lips, I'll look at porn. I don't want to see that when I'm trying to work out. The only problem with the Pilate's is that I can't get my husband to do it with me, and we are both supposed to be trying to lose weight. I saw an infomercial for a 10 minute workout by Tony Horton (he has the Slim in 6, and the P90X programs). I am thinking that I might be able to get my husband to do those with me. We have all the P90X stuff, but the ceiling fan kinda gets in the way and there isn't any place to put the chin up bar. Plus it takes 60-90 minutes for the workouts, and that is kinda hard to get through every day. I do see his belly doesn't protrude as far now. He looks 5 months pregnant instead of 7 ;) He is under the impression that it bothers me. I think he forgets that he is the same weight that he was when we met. He was skinny for our wedding, though it didn't last due to job change.

I still have 3 pounds until I am back down to 200 lbs. Seems like things go up and down so much, but at least I know I am getting smaller based off of my jean size. When I am under 200 I will be rewarding myself with new bras. I watched a stupid court show late last night while hubby was working on the computer. Anyway the woman listed a $90 bra among possessions lost that she wanted replaced. The judge said that she didn't care if it was a water bra, that there was no way it could cost $90. My thought was that obviously this judge hasn't shopped for bras in a very long time, or if she has then it was at Wal-Mart. I am an odd size though, and have to buy online as I don't live near any stores that sell more unusual sizes. There is a victoria secret here, but honestly their bras don't come in large enough cup sizes for me and the quality isn't what you could get out of a Fraya bra. I shop at FigLeaves online. It is the best site I've found that sells 32 FF (that's UK sizes, the US equivalent is 32 H). See why I am have "busty" in my name. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Sure large breasts are nice looking, but damn do they get heavy. I was a 32 DD (US size) before I had children. I used to wear a 32 H (UK size) before I started losing weight. I am hoping that once I reach my goal of 150 lbs that I will have gone down a couple more cup sizes. My husband is horrified that I want to get a reduction and lift after we are done having children. I told him that he isn't the one who has to carry them all day long. Maybe I'll get a tummy tuck while I'm at it...

Trojans...no not the condom, the virus :(

2008-08-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, my reviewing plans were really screwed up Saturday. I'm sure by the title of this post that you've already figured out why. Well here's the story behind it all.

A friend came over Saturday around noon. Hubby worked a closing shift that day, so since he was home we used him for babysitting. My friend and I went to the store and bought picnic stuff (pre-made of course) and we drove to a near by trail and went for a walk. After our picnic we walked back to the car and drove back to my house. While we were gone, my husband (who took a year in college for computer tech classes) had downloaded a virus filled program onto our computer. He knows about computers, so should be able to fix it right? Well he didn't have enough time before work to get it done.

While he was at work I mess with it some. The deal is that the viruses were causing explorer to crash. Not the internet browser, but Windows Explorer, the program that allows you to do anything on your computer (without it all you would see is a blue screen, I know, I've seen it :( ). Anyways, do you have any idea how frustrating it is to try and race through the start menu to the anti-virus software before the menus crash and refresh? I gotta say 5 seconds isn't enough time to dig through menus. I tried booting in safe mode, and the problem still persisted. Anyways I finally was able to get to AVG (yes we're cheap and use a free anti-virus) although I don't know how I got to it in time. I loaded it, updated, then switched the modem off so nothing would be able to be reported back out and nothing new could come in. I found out that the screen saver would freeze the computer up and cause the "blue screen of death," so I was stuck in front of the computer wiggling the mouse every 5 minutes. It wouldn't have been so bad that the stupid scan took over an hour and a half.

When the scan was finished, I must say, I was pretty horrified to see what had been on the computer. There were 5 Trojan viruses! Plus the downloader of course. So since that was done, I ran Ad Aware. It came back with over 20 spyware, plus 2 more Trojans! This didn't fix the problem, but the computer did run faster between refreshes. I looked, and alas our restore points had been wiped :( When my husband got home from work he was able to download a different anti-virus on his laptop and use it to scan the desktop. It picked up 15 more viruses!

I was so pissed that he had downloaded a program off the internet like that. It was a questionable site, for a pirated program. Being computer savvy, he should have known better! Besides which, our hard drive only has 80 gig, and we didn't have the space! Piracy issues aside, he screwed up our computer! Anyways, he ended up buying a new hard drive and XP, and has been trying to install new. We don't have the cash for an all new computer or that's what we would do. My hubby built the desktop over 4 years ago, so it is getting really sluggish. It was a beast back then, but now it's lucky if it can even purr. Anyways, he has promised not to download anymore pirated stuff.

I guess at least we will have more space once this is done. The drive he put in is 500 gig, and after a total wipe we plan to use the old 80 gig for storage (maybe the Sims 2). Anyways, I am typing this on his laptop as he doesn't have the PC fixed yet. The OS is loaded, he is just having trouble with the network card. He needs the drivers, but can't get to the internet to do it with the pc. When he tries to transfer files for some reason they won't go. He needs to find someway to get the drivers for the card to work so he can get to the internet and do windows update. What a long drawn out, craptastic ordeal.

In the mean-time, I am stuck using this broken old piece of crap laptop. It was built for power, so it runs hot. Has a regular processor not a laptop processor, and it gets freakin' hot. Also the screen is busted so I have to use our pc monitor. I really hate laptop keyboards. This holds nothin' to the logitech wireless set that I am used to.

I did finally get my review for the LAYAspot up today. I really hated typing it up on this keyboard. Sorry everyone if there are mistakes and such. I went back over it, and corrected a lot of words that had gotten run together thanks to me having issues with the stupid space bar. I had wanted a laptop, but I'm thinking I don't really want one anymore. lol Anyways, I'm not sure how many reviews I'll be doing while the computer in is a funk.

Off topic, Eden added the SaSi! Seriously, I was under the impression it was a BabeLand exclusive...maybe it was a timed exclusive? Anyways, I want one. I really really want one. I don't particularly enjoy finger massage, but that's because my fingers get tired fast and I don't seem to be able to keep a very good rhythm. I think the SaSi would solve that problem. Plus it just looks freakin' awesome!!! Anyways, my hands are cramping from this keyboard. Hopefully I'll post again once the computer is fixed.

The Alli diet pill

2008-08-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am on the Alli diet pill. Does it work? I don't know honestly. Today is my 9th day so far, and I've lost 5 lbs (most likely all water weight). I don't need a diet pill to lose weight, so why did I buy it? My husband has this thing for sabotaging my weight loss efforts. When he gets in a funk, he buys fast food, then puts it in my face until I give in. I have lost the same damn 10 pounds at least 6 times during the past year. I am sooooo frickin' tired of it. These pills block 1/4 of the fat you eat, and it comes out the other end (eww). So, I know that if I cave and eat a high fat meal, I will be shitting oil uncontrollably into my pants. Needless to say, I haven't slipped up yet! I have went a step further and convinced my husband to take the pills with me. Remember me saying that he works delivering Pizza? Ha ha ha! After a day of fast food and pizza, he has really backed off of the junk ;) When he doesn't bring it home, I can't eat it, and we are all happier for it.

We have actually been doing really good on our diet. I haven't joined the online support group, not sure why besides I've been too lazy. I stay pretty involved with the Eden community and I try to blog on here occasionally, so I don't think I would probably have much time for another support group. For my support I just ask my husband periodically if he can tell I'm losing any weight. It usually ends with us going to the bedroom for an hour, after which I feel incredibly sexy. I don't bother asking extended family, because if I looked like a skeleton they wouldn't say anything. I don't get why that is, but my family doesn't handle compliments very well, giving or receiving.

It makes me feel nice when my oldest daughter tells me I'm pretty. She's only 3 1/2, but has more manners and kindness than most adults I've met. Other people don't tell me every little detail either. "Pretty hair, mommy. Wow mommy, pretty shirt. Pretty eyes, mommy. Pretty, big boobs mommy." lol Just a word of caution, do be careful what you say in front of children. I referred to my breasts as "boobs" once in front of her, and now she always calls them that. When we have potty time, she points out to me that she has "baby boobs" and I have "big mommy boobs." Needless to say, I am more careful about what comes out of my mouth in front of her.

This is off-topic, but I wanted to say that my Smart Balls were shipped today! Yay! I ordered them during the first part of June, and they have been sold out the entire time. I want the pink ones (to match my pink LAYAspot ;) ) and it was the only color to come in stock! I placed my order as soon as I received the alert saying they were back in stock (I do really love the alerts EdenFantasys has added to the site. Thank you Eden!). I got an email around noon saying that they had shipped. I am amazed at how fast their warehouse and shipping crew are. I am so excited to get my balls (he he, I love saying that!).

Still off-topic, but my Maximus is almost gone! I have to make another order soon, but I wish my husband would land another job before I spend any money. Our money reserve is running quite low, and I don't want to drain it. As far as the job hunting goes, he has had several promising jobs that he has applied for. He hasn't had an interview in a while though. Lots and lots of hours delivering pizza, and the tips have been good thankfully.

I think that is about all I have to say for now. Hopefully at some point I will get into a grove of blogging regularly and get a pattern down.

5 years of marriage...already?

2008-08-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow will be 5 years. 5 years ago I was sitting at my sister's house trying to calm my nerves. Why was I so nervous that day? It all seems like "old hat" now. We are broke now, but we were even more broke back then. We had no honeymoon...seriously, I am not kidding. We had NO freakin' honeymoon! He took a week off from work and we kinda just chilled at our apartment. So, we promised each other that some day we would save up money and treat ourselves to a great vacation to make up for that dismal period after our marriage that is so great for people who can afford it.

Don't assume that tomorrow will be our dream honeymoon...it won't be. We are staying at a freakin' hotel over night. Granted the room costs more than our wedding did, but stop and consider that our wedding cost us about $100. lol yes it was as cheap as cheap could be. I bought my dress at Target for Pete's sake. We paid for the license and the JP, our families pitched in and provided the flowers and the reception (and the location which was the backyard of my sister's place). Our wedding was nice, small and private, but nice.

Tomorrow is mostly going to be about quiet and peacefulness without the children. I can't forget to mention the steamy hot jacuzzi sex! I have an odd feeling that after tomorrow is over, we will start saving up for a hot tub. Ha, my husband has really been looking forward to this. I have been looking forward to it also, just not "crazy" looking forward to it. He is the one that upgraded from a regular Jacuzzi King, to the Jacuzzi King lovers suite. I am not sure what the difference is yet besides a bigger tub.

It should be fun at least. I am looking forward to getting some time away from the girls. I love them, but it is good to get some "grown-up" time too. It is late, so I think I'll end this. Goodnight ;)

Jobless and scared to death.

2008-08-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe my husband isn't "jobless" but his part-time job isn't going to cut it for us. It was Monday that he quit his last job (I am so glad to be rid of that place) and he has had 2 interviews already. One went okay, and the other one sounds like a sure thing. If one can truly count on anything being a sure thing, jobs don't seem to be one of them. Both of those two interviews were today, and the first one was a "we'll call you back for a second interview" and the other one was a "I'll let you know next Tuesday, then we'll start training." I am hopeful, but I refuse to let myself get into it anymore than that. I have gotten my hopes up in the past only to be crushed and upset (house hunting anybody?).

I have to say that having my husband home a couple days has been great. It had been at least a couple years since we had got "bedroom" time during the middle of the day. We got to have a picnic with the girls, which even though it was in our own yard and contained way too much screaming about ants and little bugs, we had fun. He fixed the car during that time too, which I must say it is great to be able to use the driver's window again.

These jobs are promising. We have been sitting at a very crappy $27k a year income for the past couple years (before that it was so bad, I have no idea how we lived). All of the jobs he's been applying for offer $40k-$50K salaries for first year. That's not much to a lot of people, but it's a heck of a lot better than what we are trying to live on now.

I think I am about done writing...have been writing a lot today and my hands are getting tired. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. I haven't done that in awhile.

Writing Reviews

2008-07-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, here I sit, drawing a blank. I need to write a review today, but what do I pick? I've got a couple toys that I need to play with a little more to answer all my questions before I can write about them. I have some lubes that are beyond horrid, but I'm not sure I want to write about a lube today. I did three reviews yesterday, here is my profile. All my reviews are posted on there if you want to check them out. I did reviews for a beaded penis sleeve, a Hitachi attachment, and a bullet vibe. It may take a day or two for my rank to catch up with me, but that's okay.

I've been looking at the "Fluffy Flog Her" every time I am in my bedroom. We have used it a couple times, and I really love it. I'm not sure I feel like writing about it though. I might end up not doing a review today at all. What I do feel like doing is working on the house, but I doubt I'll do that either. There is still a lot of fixing to do on this place. We moved in back in November, and so far have only gotten the Kitchen and Dinning Room done. I suppose, that's life though.

I was asked to join a project at Eden, and it has been great so far. I am writing product descriptions and reviews on new toys. Of course I am not the only one doing this, as they get waaaaaaay too many toys for me to keep up with. I was so excited to open the box and see what was inside of it. I am pretty honored that they asked me to be a part of it. I'm hoping that means that my reviews don't totally suck :P

I have been doing some digging and learning about lubes. Some pretty scary stuff in those water based lubes. Thankfully I am not sensitive or prone to yeast infections, because I just don't seem to be able to get used to silicone lube. It leaves my skin feeling soft, and I really like that, just annoys me that it isn't as slippery as I like. Speaking of lube, my bottle of Maximus is getting low. I would like to try the Sliquid and the O' My brands, but my husband is pretty adamant that he loves Maximus. Saying the name of that lube always makes me want to watch the Gladiator :P What an awesome movie, and I don't even think Russell Crowe is hot (can't say the same for Joaquin Phoenix though;)) Maximus is an awesome lube. If you looked at my profile, you should have seen my review for it. Glycerin free!!! YAY! I guess...like I said, I am not prone to yeast infections (never gotten one in fact).

My children are watching the Princess Bride right now. Another hot actor in that. Cary Elwes is one of the few blond men that doesn't completely disgust me. Why do I have this horrid stigma with blond men? I am not sure why, but in general, blond hair turns me off. I don't think hot and sexy, I think little boy. Maybe its because my family is filled with dark haired men, or maybe its because many boys with blond hair grow up to have darker hair. Could be that the boyfriend that was abusive to me dyed his hair blond...only problem with that is that I was turned off by blonde's even before I met him. I don't know his name, but the guy that plays prince Humperdink (his name cracks me up every time) is pretty hot too. The "Spaniard" is hot too, sans costume and make up of course.

Okay, got some bad news. My husband didn't get his time sheet in on time, so he won't be getting paid this month. I don't know how well off other people are, but this means we won't be able to pay any of our bills. So many things have changed at his work since he first started. Thank goodness he has a second job, but it's too bad that it is a low paying job. He has been given good shifts then had them taken away to give to other people. He doesn't get bonuses, no pay increase even though the responsibly has more than tripled, gets wrote up if he is a minute or two late getting to work or returning from lunch. The eleven hour days really suck too. He told me that he is going to have to just walk out. He wants to give two weeks notice, but wouldn't have time to look for another job, and he needs to get hired on someplace as soon as possible.

I guess I won't be buying any toys for awhile. Being able to support his family is really important to my husband. I know this is hard on him, but there isn't much I can do to help. I guess I can comfort him, but it's not like I have a wad of cash hidden away. He has been wanting to switch back to doing sales, so maybe this is a blessing disguised as a curse. Maybe he can get into a Furniture Row job. Those average $42k first year, and they promote pretty fast. Only thing with that, is that we could be moving if he got into one of those stores. I guess I wouldn't mind moving, just all our family is here and we haven't been in this house for very long.

He will be coming home soon whether he quit his job or not, as he has a split shift today. I think I will go shave my legs, maybe that will make him feel a little better ;)

What to do with all these toys?!

2008-07-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

I got my shipment of toys...20 toys...so now what do I do? I have used most of them, but only written reviews for 4 of them so far. I must say that I do love VixSkin. I didn't think I would, as I tend to be skeptical about everything. I was blown away by this stuff though. I got the Lone Star in beige (geez...I am soooo pale), and I love it. It works very well for most things. Only problem so far is that my harness is too small for it. That damn chunky cock! lol Okay, I actually love that its chunky. I wanted to get the Syd anyways, but EdenFantasys was sold out when I placed my order :( It is back in stock now, so I'll have to see about getting it before long. One final note on the Lone Star, I was able to take that sucker today. Yay! Score one for Bulma! lol My husband told me it would be impossible for him to take it up the butt. Well now I know it is possible..I just have to wait for him to get up to that point. I have to have the Outlaw now. It is longer, it is thicker, and it to is VixSkin! Cock Wrangler did a great review of the Goodfella here. I have to have it now! I actually really love that it is normal sized, and the balls look lovely too. I know that it has to work very well for gender bending and cock sucking if Cock Wrangler likes it. I know that is an opinion I can trust.

Sadly my order was messed up :( I ordered the adult toy chest but received the XL sex toy case instead. I need to send it back and get the correct one. I emailed them, and printed out my free return label (so awesome that they do that). Everything is going smooth, but heck it was Saturday night and I couldn't do anything with it so I set the paper on the bed and went off to do other things. Let me just say for a second that my cat is a royal pain in the ass! I went back into the bedroom later to box up the case, and guess what? The cat had shredded the stupid return slip and the label! (you ought to see Christmas time at my house lol all those glorious boxes, covered in all that yummy paper!) My cat is crazy...seriously, why would a cat eat paper? Anyhow, I was pissed and haven't bothered to print out new ones yet. I considered just sending them anyway and writing a little note on the side "sorry, guess my cat was Hungry." In high school I actually turned in a take home quiz that he had chewed the corner off of. lol The teacher never said anything to me, thank goodness!

I am thinking that tonight is going to be a sexless night :( We were up late last night, seriously...it was freakin' late. I do believe it was almost 5:00 am by the time we got to sleep. We were testing more toys last night. I wrote a review for the blindfold today. I have had fun using that. It was weird at first (seriously..I am bad at tying knots lol too bad I didn't know that before I actually ordered it) Here is my review of it. Shhh Satin Blindfold by Bijoux indiscrets. We also tested out the jaguar wrist cuffs and the fluffy flogger. Both are black and white, as that is my color for all things bdsm. It is hella sexy too :D

It is late, that it is. lol sorry! Too much Rurouni Kenshin! I so hate the way he talks; but it is rubbing off, that it is. lol Seriously, I am going to stop now, surely I am.

Anime I've been watching lately.

2008-07-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I like anime...okay, I like it a lot. I am currently two episodes behind in Bleach...so tired of these damn fillers :( Just get back to the story already! Okay, SPOILER WARNING!!! If you aren't staying current with the show as it airs in Japan, then don't read any further unless you want to find out what happens.

Soooo, why is everyone focusing on this little princess and ignoring Aizen? Just go kick his ass already! Enough fillers! I am getting bored of the show a little bit. At least the Hueco Mundo ark was interesting, until they decided it wasn't necessary to explain just how the hell they got Orihime back home, and how they rescued the others who had been killed. Are we supposed to assume that Orihime healed them? Are we also supposed to believe that none of the other Espada challenged Ichigo? Bah! I just hated how they transitioned from one season to the next...well okay, the problem is that there was NO transition; just "POOF!" and everything is back to normal again. I'd like to see more Zaraki please :D

Another anime I've been watching lately is Elfen Lied. Damn, is the gore over the top. It has been okay so far; not going to be a favorite but I've enjoyed it. I only have a couple episodes left, so I'm pretty much done with it. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH THIS! This show has some disturbing images in it. There is a lot of gore, nudity and swearing. There is a scene with a 13 year old girl about to be raped by her step-father. So definitely not for children or those faint of heart. I wouldn't say this is as explicit or shocking as Speed Grapher, but then again, what the hell is?

Then there is Rurouni Kenshin. I am on the 7th volume right now. I really like it for the most part. Only thing is that someone NEEDS to really sit that Kenshin down and explain that he sounds stupid! "She's a kind girl, that she is." ????? I mean, who talks like that? He is the only one in the show who adds that extra little annoyance onto the end of his sentences. Ha, I've been enjoying it though.

There's also Samurai Champloo that I've been watching. I think I am on Vol. 6 with it, but I could be on 5. I need to watch some episodes and determine for sure just which one I'm on.

I don't really have much else to say about this. I just hope Bleach starts getting better, or I'll be going back to watching Inu Yasha for the hundredth time.

My New Sinnflut!

2008-07-02T14:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I posted last night that I would be getting my Sinnflut intensity today, but I just had to post again saying that I did indeed get it! Ohhh, it is very sexy! I got the cream and burgundy colored one. Personally the orange and red looked a little hideous to me. The instructions said it was supposed to come charged, but it wouldn't turn on. I have it sitting next to my bed right now, on its sexy little base, getting all nice and juiced up for tonight.

It definitely feels and looks like a $160 toy. The silicone is so smooth and silky feeling. I am so impatient waiting for it to charge. I can't wait until I can finally try it out. I am really looking forward to writing a review of it too, but I'll probably put in a week of good use before I actually write the review. I really like to know a product before I write a review, isn't that the whole point? So people can read an honest opinion of the product before they buy it? Reviews have really helped me pick out some excellent toys. The not yet gel was probably one of the better things that we've tried. I have the g-spot gel that I want to try tonight. I am hopping it works like it is supposed to also.

My most recent order shipped today. I was a little disappointed to see that they shipped it ups ground instead of next day air. I won't get it until next week then; how sucky is that? Anyways, I suppose I'll live. After all, I've got my new Sinnflut to play with!

Onto a new subject already.

I haven't posted anything about my weight yet. Yeah, two children can really put a damper on your body being sexy. Anyways, my first daughter was a really hard pregnancy and I gained 60 pounds. I didn't loose much of it after I had her either. Then with the second baby, I gained 25 pounds which is much better.

Oh, I do not want to post this, but I will anyway. I am 5'8" and weighed 130 lbs in high school. I was 150 when I got married (a bad relationship before that and really severe depression led to overeating for comfort reasons), I was 180 when I got pregnant the first time (that was from living with a man who lives off of fast food). Ouch! That hurt to say that. The highest I have ever been was a whopping 235 lbs. I went on a diet and lost 35 of that. I am currently sitting at 200, and want to lose 50 more. My goal is 2 lbs each week, so I can be down to my goal weight in November. I really slacked there for like a month, so I've got about 10 lbs that I need to make up. I have lost 3 pounds so far this week, and I weigh in on Sundays, so I think I should be able to make it up in a few weeks. Before for exercise I was doing 60 minutes on the treadmill each day, and that seemed to be working pretty well. I am now doing Pilate's instead, and as much as I hurt, it is definitely working.

I will be so happy when I reach my goal. I am okay now, but damn, 200 is still really heavy. It is amazing that even with 35 lbs lost that I went down 3 pant sizes. I am going to get a tummy tuck after I lose all the weight and we decide we are done having babies. A 19 inch baby isn't really that big, unless that said baby is stretched out in your uterus instead of curled up like babies are supposed to be. My first child completely destroyed my lower abdomen skin. I won't ever have a firm stomach again, so I'll just pay someone to cut off the things I don't like. doesn't that make me a good American? To change yourself with money? Anyway, I am almost enjoying the struggle to get there. The workouts make me feel like I'm actually doing something.

I almost don't care if the Sinnflut is charged yet. I might just go touch it.

No...I'm not dead...just brain dead...

2008-07-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Geez, I have been busy. Not the busy state where I'm actually doing important or impressive things...no, just the busy where I am swamped with everyday kind of crap.

I do have something that I am super excited about! I finally got to order my Sinnflut! I ordered it late last night (seriously, I do believe it was about midnight) and paid the extra $28 to have it shipped next day air. Well it wasn't the only thing I ordered. I will also be getting the Xtreme Pack G-spot Bullet, and the "Ooooh That's It!" G-spot stimulating gel. I can't tell you how excited I am for tomorrow to FINALLY get here.

I really need a new bullet. The bullet is a device that is essential to my sex life. I almost always use one when having sex with my husband. I don't always use it during, but a lot to kind of warm myself up before he gets into bed. When I do use it during intercourse I like to kind of stuff it between us so it is smashed into my clit. The bullet doesn't bring me to orgasm on it's own, but when I'm using it I am super aware of my husbands cock. My muscles just seem to clamp down on him better and I can feel everything he does so much more than when I don't use a bullet. Okay, by now you probably get the idea that my bullet is VERY important to me. A few nights ago, (three actually) we were grinding away like we do every night. The lamp was dimmed, the cat shut out of the room (he is such a pervert!) and the little bullet was humming away while my husband was tirelessly pumping my g-spot (I love the curve in his cock, don't know how I ever got off on a straight one (sorry to any guy reading this who has a straight cock and it offended)) Everything is going great and I feel another orgasm getting so close...then the bullet sputters for a split second then stops! It just died! I was very distracted, and I think it upset my husband a little that I actually started freaking out over a vibrator. Needless to say I didn't get my second orgasm that night.

I actually did a review for the Golden Nugget, click here to read it. I had so loved that little tacky golden egg. It made my other bullets jump into the trash after I first used it. If only I had known it was die after the first month of use. I actually don't blame it considering how much I used this thing. I am serious when I say that I actually wore the finish off this toy. I figured I put it through the paces for more than 60 hours while I had it.

Next night, I pulled out my Ultimate Triple Stimulator, took out the bullet, and cast the jelly cock ring with attached dildo back into it's bag. I stole the little jelly sleeve from the dead Golden Nugget and placed on the silver bullet I had in my greedy hand. I was ready to go! Half way through sex...I bet you can't guess! It DIED! I was more than frustrated by now, because this night I hadn't even had one orgasm yet. I was so damn mad I am surprised I could finish at all. I finally gave up on using anything on my clit and convinced my husband to fuck me with his fingers while he stimulated my nipples with his mouth.

This new bullet I ordered had better live up to all the hype I've read about it. There are some reviews by people that I really respect, so I think I am pretty safe here. Ohh, do I ever hope it is as strong as they say! I want to order a Hitachi, but am concerned it may be too big to use during sex. Actually, I am very certain it is too large to be used this way! I can't wait to test out the new toys and write some new reviews.

Speaking of sex toys, we are supposed to pick some out tonight after my husband gets home from work. There are so many things I want to get! I am serious, my wish list is so full I almost need filters to find something specific! Anyways, I have this great discount from EdenFantasys for being a reviewer, and I want to use it to get some of the things I had been waiting to save up for. We figured we have $500 to spend, and with this awesome discount I'll be able to buy more than that. I must say I have been very impressed with that site so far. Before I had ordered from Babeland, but was usually left disappointed by their selection. I am soooooooo glad that I found eden. I love the reviewing too, it has been a lot of fun so far. The community has been great too. If you want to order from there and are interested in a 15% discount, just email me (bustybulma@gmail.com) and I'll give you my partner code to use during checkout.

While I am on the subject of EdenFantasys, let me say that I am working on getting my link up. I am just so slow! Anyways, I am hoping to have that up either tonight or tomorrow. Their affiliate program is awesome! Earn money for even more toys? Sign me up!

Okay, I think I am about done now. I find that when I start writing I don't want to stop. Just look at the length of my blog posts so far, and you'll see what I mean. I bet your eyes hurt from staring at this screen for this long already.

Seriously, I am going to spell check now, and just stop typing. I am trying...it is soooo hard to stop! Ha ha, just kidding. Think I may be getting carpel tunnel from this post. :-P Bye-bye!

Just a happy memory

2008-06-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

There is a memory I've been thinking about allot lately. It was back when I was pregnant with our first daughter. We had just made love and were lying in bed cuddling. I was almost 6 months pregnant, and the baby had begun really kicking a lot and doing back flips in my belly.

We just lay there, not saying anything, not moving; just holding and being held. My husband lay behind, his body curled close to mine. His hand rested on my stomach, feeling our baby kicking at him. "I'm so lucky to be with you." His voice broke the silence. I rolled over to face him and saw that there was a tear on his face. This man had been through hell and back with all the abuse he had faced during his childhood. He never cried; he wasn't a crier. He put his hand on my face and whispered softly to me, "I never knew what it was like to be loved until I met you. I can't wait to have a family with you. You make me so happy." I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I just kissed him then buried my face against his chest.

That moment was one of the happiest times in my life. It hurts so much now when I stop and realize just how much we have lost. Once the baby was born things began to change. I wasn't allowed to have sex for a month after having the baby. I had developed Pre-Eclampsia during the pregnancy and had ended up having to have an emergency cesarean. It took me quite a while to heal after the surgery, and that put a large strain on our marriage as I couldn't do the things that he was used to me doing. I was useless, and even though he realized I had almost died, he ended up resenting me over it. It was a horrible situation. He knew that it wasn't my choice to neglect him, he knew that I had almost died and that I needed him to help me through the difficult time I was having. It didn't matter what he knew to be true, all the bad memories and feelings of abandonment came flooding back to him. During that time he lost most of his trust in me, he became scared that he wasn't good enough for me no matter what I told him. It seemed like everything negative form his past was coming back and pushing its way into our marriage. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I couldn't be as expressive of my love for him in a sexual way during that period, or if it was the fact that he had been really scared when the doctor told us if I didn't get into surgery right away that I would go into a seizure and likely die, or if it was the fact that the dynamic of our lives had just changed and he now had this huge responsibility placed upon him.

I am pretty confident that I know all his dark secrets from his past, and even though I am still here, he doesn't believe that I would ever accept him. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I can't seem to get it across to him that I accepted him fully when I married him. Since that time we have gotten past some of the negatives that came up, but he has also fell into a depressive state that seems like it has no end.

The happy memories that I have are the only reminders of what things could be like. During weeks when we never see each other and we are cross, thinking about what our love used to be is the only thing that helps me to get through my day without pulling my hair out.

The addition of more sex toys in our life together has helped us become a little closer. At least now when everything thing else is falling apart around us, there is still an incredible feeling of closeness when we have sex. Most of the time he forgets to even kiss me hello or goodbye, so it is nice to have a time when I know he is only thinking about me and being with me. The closeness from our sex life is slowly seeping into the other areas of our marriage. I don't think our marriage could survive if we didn't have sex. The toys help add an element of newness, of excitement. Plus some nights, my husband is just too tired to put much effort into it. When that happens I can just stimulate myself with a small vibrator while he is inside of me. It allows both of us to finish, but requires very little energy from him.

The quiet moment after sex still remains my favorite part of the day, even though it almost always includes him snoring in my ear. I no longer get the deep and intimate discussions out of him that I used to, and anything I say is lost because he is always asleep as soon as he pulls his cock out. At least I still have some good memories to hold onto.

My past.

2008-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

The last post was really from yesterday, I just didn't publish it until today. I've been kind of lazy lately. Last night we went shopping and this morning we have kind of just been chilling out. My husband is gone of course, working as always. Last time I only talked about my husband, so this time it'll be about me.

Most of my problems steam from one place, my childhood. Some of my earliest memories include hiding outside crying because no one would even notice I was gone. I was told several times that I was "unplanned" that I had only been an accident and my parents really hadn't wanted me. My mother spent all her time doing housework and helping my older brother with his home work. In fact at the age of 4 when I wanted to learn to read, she was too busy to help me, so I learned on my own. My father was no where to be found when I was a child. All his time was spent in the garage or taking naps. My mother was 42 when she had me, and the next youngest child was 8 years older than me. We lived in a rural area and my mother home schooled, so I had zero friends growing up.

When I was 15 I begged my parents to let me go to public school. To my surprise they did let me go. I made some friends easily and started dating; thus began my other major problem. When I turned 17 I got into a serious relationship with a 19 year old from my summer job. He had just graduated from high school in a nearby town (I went to school at a very small rural school, he was from the largest town in that area) and was getting ready to go to collage. This relationship was really great for about 6 months. He asked me to marry him, and being so in love I accepted.

I have no idea why I was in love with this man. I had my first sexual experience with him, and it was what I now consider to be rape. I was his first girlfriend, and I guess he was eager to have sex, because he pressured me until I finally caved. Our first encounter was oral sex, and by that I mean he forced his cock into my mouth and verbally abused me until I performed on him. I was expected to do this for him every time we met from then on. After telling me what a horrid girlfriend I was for not letting him fuck me, he finally started telling me that I would do it if I loved him. So there I was, scared and not ready for sex, in the back seat the car, as he had his way with me. It was never a concern if I enjoyed it or not, but that’s OK because I only wanted it to be over with. After he had finished, I was only concerned with if I had been "good enough" for him. When I asked him if he was pleased or not, his response was "it's not what I expected, you're really loose." This is something that he later used against me to force me into anal sex. At one point in the relationship he insisted on giving me oral sex. I already knew that I wasn't good enough for him, and I resisted him because I knew what he would say about me. I was right. He told me that I smelled bad, that I tasted bad, that I was disgusting; and I believed him.

After we got engaged, I moved in with him and we were together another 6 months until I finally left him. I didn't understand at the time why I stayed with him. I didn't understand how all the emotional abuse was worth it. After being away from him and going through counseling, I discovered the reason why. I never had a father growing up, my dad was checked out. I was seeking approval from a man; I wanted the love that I never got from my family. Even though he was forcing himself on me several times a week, I still wanted to be with him. I even began to crave it. It hurt and I hated it, but there he was, wanting me. No one had ever wanted me before. It got to the point that I stopped being a young woman and just became his property. We had sex on average 4 times a day and I gave him oral sex at least twice each day as well. This was of course while we were living together. I was so bruised and so sore, that I prayed for my period to come a few days sooner than normal. When I was bleeding I was too disgusting for him to touch me, which allowed me some time to heal although the bruising never completely went away.

It was a horrid relationship that ended up costing both him and I our schooling. Everything was fine the first couple months of our relationship. We were working together and dating during our free time. We started having sex during the last couple weeks before he started college. I was in shock during that period. I was convinced that we were in love, and I believed everything he said. I really did think that I had to have sex with him; I believed that I was lucky he would even want to have sex with me considering what a disappointment I had been to him. After he left for college and I started school again, we saw each other on the weekends. I was working every day after school and on the weekends, until he told me I needed to have the weekends free for when he came back home. So I quit my job and tried to get back some of my grades that had been slipping. I was spending all of my free days with him, and trying to rest up from that during the school week. I became very sick, both physically and mentally, and ended up dropping out of school. I had been going to the doctor every week and getting all sorts of tests done. They couldn't find any reason why my hair had started falling out, or why I was so weak. I started going to a counselor weekly also. I didn't really talk about my relationship; I only talked about my problems with cutting myself and my want of death.

The counseling sessions helped. I kind of got some of my life back and my boyfriend had started spending more time and money on me. Instead of us only having sex, we were starting to talk more, he was buying little gifts for me that were pink and said things like "I love you" on them. He wasn't going to classes anymore, he spent all of his time partying and cheating on me (only one way to get Chlamydia) He dropped out of college and got an apartment "so we could be together." I moved in with him shortly after he proposed to me. During that time he had been being very sweet to me; guess he was afraid I would kill myself and then he'd have to find someone else to rape.

During the 6 months I lived with him things got worse. We began having sex 5 or more times each day and he started becoming violent towards me. He kicked in his apartment door right in front of me as I stood there crying. He threatened to kill me on more than one occasion. After a while of the abuse I went back to see the counselor. After telling her what had been going on and how he had treated me the entire time I had known him, she only had one thing to say to me "If you don't leave him now, he will kill you." So I left him, but I kept talking to him over the phone. I wanted answers, but he wouldn't give them to me. He refused to even admit that he had given me Chlamydia. I don't know why I expected any different. I finally stopped talking to him when he called me a bitch and threatened me on my 18th birthday. I never talked to him again.

That relationship left so many scars in my heart. I had this deep rooted belief that I was disgusting no matter how many times I went to counseling. I didn't stay single for very long though. I met my husband through an Internet dating site within the month. We talked online and over the phone for about two months before we met in person. We got married exactly one year from the day we met each other face to face. During my marriage I have been able to get past a lot of the problems created during my prior relationship. My husband never asked me to give him oral sex and if I told him I didn't feel like having sex he would just hold me instead. I finally gave him oral sex because I thought he deserved it, and I wanted to know what it was like when it was my choice, my gift. It really helped to have him there during those first few months after I had left my previous fiancé. I had someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. We were a couple hundred miles away so the pressure of sex wasn't even an issue. There was something there that I hadn't felt before. He had a certain gentleness about him that made me feel safe, even over the phone.

We have since lost most of the sweetness that was between us. I think we are on the right track to getting it back though.

First Post

2008-06-14T12:10:00.000-07:00

Hello! Yes this is my first post, and will be just a rambling.

First of all let me say I have a lot on my mind. It is going to take years to get all this crap out; but then again, that's how long it took to put it there in the first place. Out of all my problems, my marriage is the most prevalent.

My husband has a lot of problems, so do I, but his are much deeper rooted and more severe. He has this weird tendency to freak out if things are going good. He had a really bad childhood filled with abuse of every kind, and he is still deeply scarred from it. Every time we start getting really close and this deep intimacy starts to form he does a 180 and turns verbally and emotionally abusive. I know this is a survival thing that he does because of his horrid past, but I think he should be trying to work past these fears of his so that he can have a better future. I try to be supportive and loving, but it seems like the kinder I am towards him the more frightened he becomes. I have never done anything to betray his trust, in fact I have been allot more forgiving towards him than I maybe should have. He is so scared that I will betray him, or leave him, or I just won't accept him anymore. I am getting really tired of constantly pouring my heart out to him and encouraging him when it is never enough.

I have finally given up on trying to encourage him and have instead gone to sex as a means to boost his confidence. This is sort of difficult for me as I struggle with my own self-confidence issues and the fact that I am over weight (two children didn't help this). There was a lot of sexual abuse as a child and he was raped by another child when he was 11. From that he has major problems with feeling inadequate and undesirable. There is so much shame that is still there. He denies it of course, because he is into "stuffing" his problems instead of dealing with them. After sex though, his attitude seems to change. He just seems happier and way more relaxed, which of course allows us to have a better day together.

There will be a day when he gets past some of these things, it's just hard to survive until then. I will no-doubt write more about this at some later date. I didn't even touch on the abuse he suffered from his mother and what that has done to his trust in women.
Yeah, I'm done for now.