It's cold, and I'm thinking about the past.

Cold and snowy Montana can really suck sometimes. I have been cold all day, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it will get much colder this winter. Today the temp was 30 when I checked. Montana holds two records for temp...most people don't know that. The coldest temp ever recorded in the united states was in Alaska at -82 F, the second was in Montana at -72...about 20 miles from where I live. Most extreme temp change during 24 hours was in Montana; -54 to 49. This state is pretty extreme in it's weather. In the summer we get upwards of 110 and in the winter we get below -40. I get kinda sick of it sometimes, though I have noticed the extremes aren't as extreme as they were ten years ago.

Anyways, I am sick of the cold. I hate shivering. To help deal with it I am drinking...just kidding. The drinking is really to help me deal with my separation status. lol Not really, I know better than to turn to alcohol. I just wanted to have a drink, and we have the stuff to make one, so what the hell? Why not enjoy one freaking drink without my husband? I really wanted a screaming orgasm, but I used all the Bailey's in my coffee :( I thought about just doing a shot of Bacardi 151, but decided I wanted something tasty instead...so I'm having a Kryptonite.

My husband called me earlier...so much for the no contact order. Anyways, I seriously wasn't sure if I should even answer it or not...but I'm super lonely, so I did. He didn't answer, but I couldn't hear breathing or anything. I could hear some background noise, like dishes banging together and such. I figured he must have been at work...though I'm unclear as to why he called me. Did he want to harass or scare me? Or did he just want to hear my voice? I know it wasn't an accident, because the default setting for these phones is to lock the keypad after the phone has been in stand by mode for 15 seconds. I'm not sure what I think of the whole deal. I guess I could believe whatever I want, but I'm not even sure what I "want" to believe.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel. I thought this would stop at some point...but a week obviously isn't enough time. I keep thinking that maybe he has woke up some, maybe he got scared enough to set him straight. Do I want him to "wake up" or "straighten" out? I don't know...that is what gets me...I just don't know what I want. I want to be loved of course, but do I want HIM to be the one to love me? I used to. His love was what I wanted the most in this world...and I was so happy when I had it. Those first two years were awesome. I was never happier than when he held me, when he loved me, when he looked into my eyes but saw my soul. Is that person dead? Is there anything left of the man I fell in love with? Why would he let this happen? Why would it ever be okay for anyone to put me down? At one point, he was proud of me...why did that change?

I want to know what will happen. I really don't have the patience for this. IF he contacts his public defender, and IF he petitions the court to allow for marriage counseling, then MAYBE this could work out. I don't know if he will do it though. He keeps sending mixed messages to me. One the one hand he has not provided enough money for me to buy food and diapers for the girls, he has spied on me, and he has called me when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, he has called my mother asking if me and the girls are okay, he reached out to his parents for support (he is not close to them by any means), he is talking to a minister, and he is trying to get another job (his other job fired him because he didn't come into work, even though he was in jail). Some things are very impressive for him, like talking to his parents. They have offered support and everything to both of us in the past, but he had a VERY difficult childhood, and there isn't much trust there.

I have forgiven so much of his past behavior because of his childhood. I haven't talked about it on my blog much, because it is so painful. There is no way around it, his mother is evil. I love his step-mother alot, as she has only ever been kind to us and loving. His mother is a bitch, but it doesn't start there. The grandmother is a bitch also. It is horrid talking about people this way, but they seriously are very screwed up. The grandmother had more husbands that I care to remember, some of which raped and beat my husband's mother during her childhood. She in turn grew up to have very poor relationships.

My husband's father was her first husband. She was insanely jealous and emotionally abusive to him. They divorced, and she used the two children against him. She remarried and had a third child with that husband. She accused that husband of trying to kill their unborn child (by poisoning her tea), and of molesting my husband and his little sister. That wasn't good enough though, she took it a step further and accused him of satanic worship, which included beating and gang raping my husband who was 6 years old at the time. My husband has no clear memory of what did or did not happen, though this conveniently happened after the step-father tried to get the children involved in Sunday school and make friends. Needless to say, there was a divorce.

My husband was a very unruly child, as he was constantly crying out for attention. This went so far as to try to commit suicide at the age of 7, because (in his words) his mother didn't want him. The youngest child was all the focus, and my husband and his sister were only ever used as pawns to hurt their father. She actually told her son that his daddy didn't want him anymore, because he had found a new family. This was not true, and no matter what was set up for visitations, she would change plans or not be at home so they could not see each other. Every time she cancelled the visits, she would tell her son "see, I told you daddy didn't want you anymore."

After his suicide attempt, his mother took him to a hospital and had him committed. When the nurses restrained him to a bed and injected him with sedatives, she freaked out. It wasn't long until she took him out against doctors orders, and took him to a different place. The special children's hospital she took him to did some thorough interviews with her. I have read the transcripts of these interviews with my husband. When we had been married about 6 months he wanted to go through them, just to see what had really happened. She told the psychologist many things about what her ex had done to her son and daughter. She told him about all the alleged rapping's, and that her ex had forced her son (6 years old) to rape her with a dildo while she was drugged and unconscious (who knows how she would have known exactly what happened if she wasn't awake, but never mind that little detail). The horrid and appalling stories just went on and one. At the end of the interview, the psychologist noted that he did not believe her story. She sat there showing ZERO emotion, and actually nursed her baby while talking about her own child being beaten and raped.

My husband was admitted into the hospital for observation and treatment. It all went well. He played with dinosaur toys and related to others well...in fact he showed no signs of trauma or abuse. He was respectful and not fearful of the male staff members at all, and was very polite. He got along well with all the other children, and there was never anything sexual in any of his play. He said he had not been touched, and denied ever being abused.

After three months in this place, his mother came and against medical advice removed him and his sister (they were both staying there for treatment). She took them into another state without telling anyone. Well, this qualified as kidnapping, and the police search started. After about 3 weeks they were found and brought back. The reports of my husband's behaviour was completely different than it had been previously. He talked extensively about being raped and tortured. He was afraid off staff and almost all of his play involved rape or sexual scenarios. He often grabbed himself, and seemed extremely afraid that something would happen to his genitals. He seemed OCD also, with extreme hand washing rituals and being scared that touching batteries would kill him.

It was shocking how much he had changed during those 3 weeks. There was no question that his mother had brainwashed him during that time. He was so normal before, then was so screwed up after. Anyways, his mother lost custody of him and his sister for this, and the father and step-mother had him. They kept him in the hospital for treatment and went to visit him. Once it was determined that he could be released, him and his sister went to live with them. Everything would be going great, then he would go visit his mother for a weekend. When he would return he would be extremely withdrawn and depressed. As he got older, this turned into rage and acting out violently. Once he got to the age of 13 he would become so upset that he was a threat to the other children in the house. His mother had also worked very hard to turn him against his step-mother. They finally ended up letting him go live with his mother because he was too dangerous and they were afraid violence would begin.

Anyways, I met him when he was 19. He had just got out of the army (medical discharge) and was living with his mother and her 3rd husband, his sister and the half brother. I thought he was very sweet, and kind. He seemed to be very desperate for acceptance and love, but was gentle and kind towards me. Everything was fine for awhile. We talked over the internet and the phone, and were beginning to have strong feelings for each other. After talking for about 3 months, we decided to meet in person.

We met, and had a really great time. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was looking for gentleness and compassion...which I found in him. We decided that we would move in together so he could get away from his mother, and I couldn't afford a place on my own. That is when things started getting bad. Our relationship was great, but there was obvious jealousy from his mother. She never treated him as a son, but more like a boyfriend. She always wanted him to give her back rubs, and to be touching her. I found this to be inappropriate. She would confide in him about her sex life, and bring up issues that she never should have relied on him to support her with. When it was obvious that him and I had a sexual relationship, it became much worse. She began trying to turn him against me, telling him that I was trying to manipulate him and that I could not be trusted. I had been trying to help him, but that was all I was guilty of. How many 19 year old men, think they have to ask for permission to piss? That really bothered me, and I wanted him to be more confident and independent. I always supported him, and told him that he was a man, he could do whatever he wanted to.

So many times, he would off the phone with her and be extremely upset. He would start asking me if I really loved him, and why would I ever want to be with him. He seemed so sure that he was worthless, and it was always after talking to her. He finally came to me, in tears, because he was so upset that his mother was running me down to him. I was the one who supported him and encouraged him. He didn't think he would be able to get into college, I was the one who convinced him to try his best and find out for sure. I don't know how many times I held him as he cried after talking to his mother. He stopped calling her, and would only talk to her if she called.

She began working on me then. She actually told me that if I found out what he was really like I wouldn't want him. She told me that he was stupid, and that he was a horrible person. I finally got so sick of it, I told her that I loved him and that I would not stand for her running him down like that. I told her that he didn't call her because she always him when they would talk. Anyways, she didn't like me defending him, and the war started. After we got married her and her boyfriend (yes, she divorced the 3rd husband because he was "crazy" and had already moved onto another guy) actually drove for 4 hours to come "straighten me out." I think she was wanting to intimidate me, but it didn't work. She seemed surprised that I didn't treat my husband like shit. When he got home from work, I made him some coffee and got him a chair so he wouldn't have to stand. I guess she never showed kindness to any of her husbands, so she didn't realize what it looked like.

The fighting and crap went on for a few months. She started making attacks against my family because we went to see them but had never went to visit her. Never mind the fact that my parents lived much closer than she did, and my parents actually didn't treat my husband like crap. In fact, my husband drew the line there. My mother had been kind to him, and he felt that she had been more like a mother to him than his own mother had been. She had kept telling him that he would have to choose between me and her. He asked me if I wanted him to choose between us, to which I told him that he should never have to choose between him mother or his wife because the relationships are completely different. Needless to say, he ended up choosing me. He finally decided that he was done talking to his mother. He called her and told her that he would no longer consider her his family. She had refused to accept his wife, and by doing that had lost him. After that he did not call her, did not answer her calls and stopped all email activity. All cards and letters went to the trash unopened.

At the time that he told her he would no longer talk to her, I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. He had decided he did not want her in our children's lives, because of the childhood he had been through. I can't say that I was upset he decided to cut her out, in fact I was relieved. For awhile our marriage was very good. After considering how crazy his mother really was, he decided that maybe everything she said about his father and step-mother was not true. He got in touch with them to tell them that we were expecting a child, and from there developed a relationship. He never became very close to them, but at least he was talking with them and he did find out that almost everything his mother had told him had been a lie.

The problems in our marriage didn't start until after the baby was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and had preeclampsia which caused an emergency cesarean. I almost died, and the midwife and OB/GYN kept me in the room next to the OR because they were afraid I would stroke even after the delivery. I had lost a lot of blood due to a hemorrhage during the surgery, and it looked pretty grim for awhile for me. I could see how scared my husband was during the surgery. As he left the room with the nurse and the baby, the last words he heard was "She is loosing a lot of blood, this isn't looking good. Get a bag ready, and let's hurry this up." I was scared to death, and I know he was too.

As soon as he was allowed to come see me in the recovery room, he did. I don't think I've ever seen him so scared. He was crying and just kept telling me how much he loved me. He was very kind to me in the hospital, and stayed by my side the entire time. After we got home it was a different story though. He slumped into a depression almost as soon as the baby was a week old. My mother was staying with us to help, as I was not allowed to lift anything or do anything besides walk and rest. She stayed for two weeks, which was when I was finally allowed to hold my baby on my own. I was not to be doing anything besides taking care of the baby and myself. My husband had promised to take care of all the cleaning and the cooking while he was home from work. By about the third week, he started asking me why I wasn't doing anything. He started telling me what a bad wife I was, that I want even making sure he had clean clothes to wear to work.

I remember standing over the washing machine, trying to pull the wet clothes up out with both of my hands. It hurt in my incision, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so abandoned by him. I needed to rest, but I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. It hurt me so badly to hear him say that I wasn't doing a good enough job. He started telling me I was unfit to be a mother, because I got postpartum depression. I cried a lot, and would have to put the baby in her crib and just go to a different room and cry. I felt so overwhelmed and was afraid that I wasn't doing a good enough job for my husband or my baby. I thought about killing myself so many times. A family was what I had wanted, but I could see that I was losing my husband. I loved him so much, and what he said cut me to my very core.

I got on medication, and got through it. I did the best I could, and things just continued to get worse. Instead of coming to me anymore, my husband started spending all of our money. He started in with the self hatred again, and it became such a negative spiral. We separated for a few weeks, and during that time he over drew all of our bank accounts. We ended up being in debt to everyone, and I had no choice but to come back and to try to straighten things out. He had started smoking while I was away. I couldn't figure out why he always smelled like cigarettes, he knew that I didn't want him to smoke for several reasons. I started getting horrific migraines from it, and spent many evenings in so much pain I couldn't manage to do anything but lay and cry. He told me he would stop, but he didn't. He started going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late every day. He didn't get as much time together, and he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He wouldn't let me get close to him, because he was afraid I would smell the smoke on him.

This went on for awhile, but some things started to get better. He stopped being so negative to me, and we decided to have another baby. Things were great while we were trying to get pregnant. We were having sex almost everyday, and it seemed like he was more interested in me and our little girl. Once I did get pregnant though, he started withdrawing some again. He still wanted to have sex, but he ignored the new baby. He never wanted to feel her kick, and he wouldn't help me shop for her or pick out a name even. During the delivery he seemed like he wasn't quite there.

I had lost a lot of blood again, and they were having a hard time getting my temp and oxygen levels back to normal. I couldn't be given normal medication yet, so I spent the first night on a morphine drip. I asked my husband to please push the button for me so I could sleep, which he agreed to do. I went to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later in horrible pain. He was sitting here in the chair next to me, asleep. I pushed the button and woke him up. I asked him if he would please push the button for me so I could rest. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. I woke up again in a little while in horrible pain, because he had again fallen asleep. The whole night went like that. I felt so abandoned by him. I had really needed him. I had just had his baby, and I really needed the sleep. He just let me be in pain, in excruciating pain. He didn't protect me, he didn't come to save me when I needed him the most.

He didn't care about the baby almost at all. He rarely held her, and he had no interest in spending time with me either. I again struggled with postpartum depression. I got through it, and we continued to be distant in our marriage. He finally admitted his smoking to me after trying to hide it for 2 years. I hated that he had been lying to me, even though I had know he was. It hurt to actually hear him say the words. It hurt for him to aknowledge that he was causing me to have migraines, but yet he hadn't tried to stop. I left for a week so we could think. He decided he wanted to quite smoking and for us to work on our marriage. I agreed, and it seemed like things were going good for a couple days.

Those first two days after we agreed to work things out were wonderful. It was almost like things had been when he were first married. He was holding me all the time and we had started kissing again. We talked and spent time as a family and as lovers. I was very happy; I felt like I finally had my husband back. It didn't last though. In a few weeks he started withdrawing again. He had a lot of trouble with smoking, but instead of comming to me for support he tried to hide it from me. He lied to me, and things got worse.

It wasn't long until he started calling me names and putting me down. He would touch me during the day and tell me he wanted me, then he would stay up until he was too tired to have sex. He would promise to have sex with me, then just push me away. We would go for a month at a time without sex, and I hated it. I began to feel ugly and not wanted. He didn't look at me the same way, he didn't touch me the same way...it didn't even seem like he was the same person. We talked and decided we needed to get into therapy. He found someone who would be available to see us within two weeks, and we went.

That therapist (I don't think he even had a degree, not even an associates) only hurt our marriage. I told him that one of our biggest problems was that my husband lies all the time, and he has a very low self esteem. From that the fucking jerk decided that I was a bitch. He didn't say the words, but he might as well have. He told me that my husband only lied to me because I made him too scared to be honest with me. It didn't matter that we both told him that my husband has always lied to protect himself, it started when he was a child as a way to deal with his mother. I don't know how it got to be MY fault that he lies. He told me I shouldn't ask my husband to quit smoking, never mind that it gives me migraines...besides, smoking doesn't cause cancer, that's just a conspiracy by the medical community as a way to get more money...at this point I decided he was an idiot and a quack. My husband's own grandfather died from smoking related cancer! It runs in his family! I would think he would want to live as long as he could, but it doesn't seemed like he cared that much.

It was after that therapist told my husband he needed to control me more and put me in my place (see, the really was a quack) was when things started getting more pysichal. He started grabbing my wrists to restrain me when we fought. He would hold a door shut so I couldn't go into another room. Then he started threatening to hurt me. Even though he never hit me, it broke my heart that he would even say it.

I wonder where the man I married went to. The man that threatened to kill me last week, wasn't the man who swore to always love me. I didn't see the same spirit when I looked at his face. I almost feel as if my husband died.

The things that happened in the past really confuses things for me now. I almost feel like it would have been weird if he didn't turn abusive, just look at his childhood. No matter what happens, this stops here. The abuse will NOT continue on to my children. I won't allow it. I don't want my husband to be abusive, but it's his choice not mine. I wish I could have helped him avoid this, but I did everything I could think of. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that my loving him wasn't enough for him to want to change. He makes his decisions, and he will decide if he changes or if he doesn't. It is hard to be the victim in this, but yet want to help him. I want to take care of me and the girls, but I also feel like I should try to help him.

What a long post...it does feel good to get it all out though. I am off to bed :)

Up to my armpits in poop

I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(

On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.

I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.

I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?

I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one.

Ugh...so much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.

Bored to death

I am bored, bored, bored, and lonely. It really shows too...this is my THIRD post today! Seriously, I am horrified by my own boredom. I pray that I don't start putting a sock on my hand and talking to it. I already talk to the cat... I feel like Pontoffel Pock, wishing I could just get away from it all...pretty sure I could figure out the whole pull-ems and push-ems thing though ;) I doubt my extreme fear of heights would allow me to fly through the air sitting on a piano bench, magical or no.

I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.

Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's ass...no question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's hollow...cool song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(

Something I pulled out of my ass.

Okay, the title probably sounds pretty gross...I will admit it, it sounds EXTREMELY gross. lol Anyways, I was bored and lonely, so I just sat down and wrote this. I haven't done any editing on it or anything, so there are likely to be some errors and poor word choices. The flow probably won't be that great either, but it was for fun anyways. The characters are from a story I was writing when a teenager. Basically he is an assassin that she has hired to escort her and be her body guard while she hunts down a treasure. The tone is not ment to be "fucking," as they are just discovering that they both desire each other. Anyways, I hope everybody enjoys it :)





Shivering with cold, she clutched the worn blanket closer to her bosom. The wind howled and beat upon the thin walls of the tiny shelter. The embers crackled softly and the firelight danced around the room, filling the air with at least the look of warmth.

He lay a few feet away, on furs, with only his cloak for added protection against the frigid air. He was quiet, so still he may have been dead. She knew he did not sleep; she had never seen him sleep. He always waited until she had fallen into slumber, and made sure to rise before her in the morning.

This nameless, faceless, wanderer who lived by his dagger had probably killed more people than words slipped from his lips. He always hid himself. It was as if he had no emotion, neither happiness nor sorrow. He had shown neither fear nor anger. In the 3 months they had been traveling together, he was still as much a mystery as the day he first stepped into the pub.

The ebony eye mask covered his entire upper face, and she had never seen him without it. The narrow slits allowed only his ice blue eyes to be seen. The cloth mask he wore around the lower area of his face covered the rest of his face and his neck completely. He would pull it down to eat or drink, but this was mostly done with his back towards her. Why the excessive endeavor to hide his face? Was he hideous underneath? Perhaps he did not wish his victims to know him while they died.

Millicent drew a deep breath, and held it. She was cold, so very cold. He lay closer to the fire than she. Slowly she crawled on hands and knees over to him. He did not stir, he did not look. She knew he was aware…he was always aware. Gently she lowered herself between him and fire, drawing as close to him as possible. Still he did not move.

The blanket still clung to her, providing no warmth. Lifting his cloak gently she slid beneath it and into his warmth. It did not matter that he made his living as an assassin, at that moment he was the only heat available. The heat from his chest began to penetrate her, warming her enough for the shivering to stop. Her face lay pressed against his chest, his heat beat sounded in her head.

Warmth crawled through her body. Without thinking she scooted up, closer to his face. She pressed her lips against the cloth of his mask. He opened his eyes to gauge her, but he did not move away. She felt a slight pressure on her back, and slowly it sunk into her heart that he was touching her, pulling her closer. Her fingers still cold and a little stiff, she pulled the cloth, slowly and gently, down his face. This was the first time seeing any of his face so closely. The cloth slid effortlessly down his nose and off of his chin, revealing the lips she so desperately sought.

She brought her lips closer to his a second time, and they parted to accept her. He was gentler than she could have ever imagined. He didn’t just let her kiss him, but he kissed her back. There was a passion and a desire behind his warm skin that surprised her. His hands found their way to the back of her corset, where the laces slipped loose, freeing her breasts. He removed it from her, and cast it gently behind him. His hands moved underneath her loose blouse, caressing her soft skin.

The touch was firm and strong as he pulled her ever closer to him. His strong arms embraced her, and his lips caressed hers. Her hands were lying gently on his chest, until she lowered them. His muscles were strong and easily felt through his shirt. The belt clasp of his sheath came loose in her hands, and she felt increased warmth radiating from his body. The lacing of his pants came loose freely, and her hand found its way to his hip. She caressed him, but did not touch the area that pined for her hand.

He pulled her skirt up, and ripped her undergarments free from her. His cloak stayed over them as he rose above her. His legs slipped between hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to race through her. The aching was becoming strong, as the desire increased. He lowered down between her quivering legs, stroking them with his hands.

A tear escaped from her eye as he pressed his erection against her. With the gentle guidance of his hand, he parted her moist lips and slipped inside of her. A wave of pleasure overtook her as she was gently stretched to accommodate his girth. He pressed deeply into her and caressed her hip with his hand. His lips eagerly sought hers out, and he locked onto them as he began thrusting into her.

Her mind was lost in the moment. His breath was hurried with desire, and his body was taut. He smelled good to her, and she breathed in deeply as she buried her face against his neck. He was warm, and the firmness of his penis brought her immense pleasure. She could feel her body grasp at him, squeezing eagerly. Warmth began to build inside of her abdomen, and her vagina clenched tightly onto him. He pressed against her tightly as her body began the throws of orgasm. Moans escaped her lips, and her chest heaved with each breath. Her fingers grasped at his hips, scratching him lightly. He watched her, and continued pounding into her hungry muscles. His hands grasped at her and his chest pressed against her breasts, enjoying the convulsions of pleasure he had caused her.

He hastened his thrusts, and his breath held. His muscles became rock hard, and he froze over her for a second. She could feel him throb inside of her as he released his seed. A small sigh of pleasure escaped from his lips as his body jerked into her. The pulsing slowed, and he relaxed. The kiss he gave her was tender, but fleeting. He pulled out of her, exposing her to the cold as he pressed himself back into his pants and tied the laces shut tightly. He pulled her skirt back down around her legs and lay next to her scooping her up in his arms. She was warm, and she was satisfied. He drew the blanket and the cloak around them tightly as her eyes closed and sleep took her.

Lonely, oh so lonely...

Ugh...no one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.

I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.

I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."

I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.

This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.

I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...

Trying to make a plan

I have no idea what my husband is doing or will do, so for now I am living like he doesn't exist. It is easier to think of him as dead than it is to always worry about what he may or may not do. I spent most of today feeling utterly destitute and helpless. I was having what seemed like one big panic attack for several hours.

I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.

I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly could...you know...to freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family thick...it is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I said...no amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely worthless...now I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.

I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.

Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?

My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.

Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.

I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.

This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.

I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.

Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)

182 dollars is a joke...right?

One more day...I've made it through one more day on my own. I was hoping today would be easier than yesterday, but it wasn't...it was actually harder. So many times I've wanted to call my husband and ask him "why?" I just want some answers...but I can't have them. If I even tried contacting him, I could go to jail. I don't know if he is going to get a different job to replace the pizza delivery job, I don't know if he is going to start therapy on his own, I don't know if he wants to work towards change, I don't know if he is just going to disappear....I don't know what's going on and it's driving me crazy.

Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.

Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.

I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.

I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.

Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.

Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.

I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.

I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.

I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.

I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct direction...like giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!

I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.

I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.

I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.

I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be nice...to be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.

I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.

Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...