Shit Face Must Die...Please?

Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.

Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.

I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.

Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.

Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.

Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.

I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.

I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...

I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.

That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.

I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.

Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex toys...so I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...

I should be in bed...sleeping.

I seriously need to stop staying up so late. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer screen, and it is after 12:30 am. Why do I do this?! I am addicted to sex toys, I know that much. Most of my time online is spent drooling over countless toys that I can't afford. I could be in bed playing with myself, spraying my sheets with ejaculate...but no, I am sitting here.

Besides drooling over toys, I frustrate myself playing a web browser game called Ikariam. It is not a hard game, not hard at all. What frustrates me about it is how freaking long it takes to do anything. I am currently working on building up my governor palaces in order to create a new colony. I have spent over a week shipping resources to a town, then some ass tries to pillage said town. All that time wasted. Granted I am no push over in this game, and my score is 3 times what his is. He mysteriously has his upgrades maxed out and has a butt load of really good troops and ships...thing about this that is so weird is that he only has two towns; a marble and a wine. I know that he needs sulfur to build troops and ships, and I know he needs tons and tons of crystal glass to upgrade those troops and ships. He doesn't have the gold to be buying this stuff and his score is low. How did he get so much stuff without building up his towns and expanding like everyone else has to do? Is he one of the people who use real life money to buy virtual crap? If so, "ha ha ha on you sucker!" Okay, that wasn't nice. Seriously though, I can't think of any other way he has so much stuff.

What do I do about this small annoyance? Why, I build up my army and wipe his ass until he bleeds. MWA HA HA HA! I have forced people off of the server before; might as well do it again (why isn't there an evil grin smiley?). I upped my sulfur production to the max and am building troop and ships as fast as I can in all 5 of my towns (remember he only has 2 ;). Why is it so satisfying to crush people in virtual scenarios?

Back to toys again. I created my gift registry for EdenFantasys a couple days back. I have to admit, my registry is filled with awesome awesome toys. :D I am so Randy for the Randy by Vixen. I can't even express how badly I want to get my lusty little hands on that blue cock. So yummy looking. I love the colors of it, black and blue (there's a joke there somewhere, I can feel it ;) it is VixSkin!!! It has a suction cup base!!! and it is thick...think 2 1/4 inches thick...*drools uncontrollably* so delicious looking :) No surprise the thing is sold out...fuck, if I had the money I would have bought it as soon as it went live on the site.

Of course I added the Liberator Throe to my gift registry as well. Now that squirting is a common thing during my masturbation sessions, I really really (REALLY) need some way to protect my sheets. I used to have normal messy sex. I am pretty well lubed naturally, and tend to drip a little when greatly aroused. In addition to my own juices, I enjoy some added lube also. Sometimes I like something warming, silky, slick, or tasty. When my husband was involved he of course added his pre-cum and his squirt-cum into the mix. I used to think my sex was wet and messy. Ha! What a laugh. A towel folded in half used to take care of the mess back then; no longer is this the case. Now that I spray buckets of cum, towels just don't cut it anymore. Three towels folded in half do nothing but provide a bit of elevation so that I am better angled to spray cum over a wider area; thus defeating the whole purpose of having the towels there in the first place.

My gift registry contains many wonderful things. Most of them are quite expensive, but I also have some cheaper items as well. The warming and cooling lubes/gels for one, and the Night light condoms, as well as some nipple clamps. So many fun and exciting things. I could go on for hours just talking about them...until my wrists cramp up on me that is.

I've been talking to my husband more than I should lately (once is too much when it goes against a court order). I did a post recently about foreskin restoration. I had shared this info with my husband and he expressed interest in it. Last night I asked him if he had thought about trying it out, and he told me that he has been taping. Granted he isn't doing it every day, I was still pretty excited to learn that he is doing it at all. I hope he sticks with it and gains some foreskin even if he never reaches full coverage. I don't know why I am so excited over this when I don't even know if we will be getting a divorce or not.

Speaking of my husband, I have been craving cock like mad lately. I usually get super horny around egg poppin' time, but I just kicked Aunt Flo to the curb and I'm already craving his cock! What is the deal? I'm usually sort of horny (that's a lie, I am almost always extremely horny) but usually a toy is satisfying enough. I have been lusting after the feel of his flesh even after 4 delicious orgasms. It is driving me insane. I've started having erotic fucking dreams about him again. I wake up feeling exhausted (and oddly enough, still insanely horny) after 7 hours of sex dreams. Good thing we are separated, or else he would be sore and raw by now. My hormones may be a little wack right now...I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.

Random Updates

Well, no particular direction with this post...is there ever? Nah, I think not. Most of the time I ramble, sometimes I try to stick to a certain topic, but it always end up being a bunch of random crap strewn throughout that topic. I know, I have a "gift" for rambling...ain't I lucky ;)

First random update, 2 REVIEWS DONE!!! Yay!! My free assignment review for the Passion Bullets Dual is up. I submitted it this morning and it went up before noon...very fast Edan, very fast. I also submitted my review for a Description Program toy last night. It is a traditional vibrator by Evolved. Though not up yet, I'll link to it's page anyways. The Rhapsody. Hopefully it is up soon. Description toys take longer to post than free assignment toys in my experience. Random thought here...I am not getting as many toys from the program as I was. I think this may be due to having a couple toys late because of the whole mess in my personal life (yeah, the abuse and crap with my husband). At the very beginning I got a box of 5 toys. I was receiving two toys out at a time (kinda reminded me of Netflix actually, lol) with the new toys being sent out as soon as my reviews posted to the site. Now I am getting one toy at a time, and it is taking longer to be assigned a new one. I can't say as it bothers me, getting the toys less often that is. I have enough freaking toys as it is! I love getting new ones, but I honestly need some new storage solutions.

Second random update, I'm on twitter now! Yay! Not much to say about it really. I just got my account set up today and got a few people to follow. I will go and ad more later, or at least I'm planning on it.

Third random update, I've been knitting a lot lately. I am working on a stole in this hideous yellow color that is the exact color of breastfed newborn babies' poop...not joking at all. It was something my husband picked out for me to knit a shrug with, and um...I couldn't force myself to use it. I am almost done with the lacy stole (think wide long scarf) and perhaps I'll post a picture of it once it's done. I think it is easier to handle the yellow (oddly called "gold," never seen shit colored gold before...) in a stole than it would be in a shrug or sweater. I'm also working on a knit vest for my 2 year old nephew. It is turning out really well, though it is looking a bit wide-ish.

This brings me to another random thought...why are baby and toddler clothes all made for children who are as wide as they are tall? Looking at children's sizes though, they are built for little twig children. Am I missing something here, or do children go from being little cute blobs to skinny stick like people when they turn 5-6? I have ALWAYS had to put tucks in my children's clothes, so do most women I know (except one, and her little guy happens to be one of the chunkiest kids I've ever seen). My eldest has one child's XS shirt, and it is MUCH skinnier than her 4T size shirts...seriously...WTF?

Random update number 4, I've been on YouTube a lot lately. I know, I know...how lame is that. I have always been one to actually be on the verge of hatred when it came to youtube. The majority of people who comment on the videos are obviously a bunch of trolls and juvenile delinquents (or at least they like acting like it). The past few weeks I have found a couple channels that I actually do like and enjoy.

I've enjoyed some of the videos by SMP Films, particularly the Mean Kitty ones. Sparta has his own channel here is a link. I like kitties, and my orange kitty is a bitter just like Sparta. Some cute videos on there. Sparta chases video game characters on the TV, my kitty does that too. Funny thing is, he also chases people's hands on TV. He likes Barack Obama the best, I think it's because he makes lots of hand gestures when he talks. It is funny and cute to watch my crazy cat go bonkers over Obama's hands :)

My favorite channel on youtube has to be the JeepersMedia channel. That guy owns waaaaaaay too many toys (NOT sex toys, but actual children's toys, although some are tarted towards teens and adults). Some of his reviews are hilarious...seriously, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did over the Batman and the Tarzan toys as well as the spongebob thermometer (I love the song he made up for it, too funny). Watch them, you won't regret it.

Random update number 5, my husband is still bugging me. Why? Who knows honestly. He did get another job yesterday though, and today is his first day. Hopefully he can hang onto this one. Last job he only had for two weeks. The boss hired a friend so needed to fire someone, and he chose the new guy of course. I don't know, the whole deal is annoying at best. His hearing is on the 15th, with his actual trial date set for Feb 4th. I don't know what exactly I want to happen, but I have refused to go beg the prosecutor to go easy on him. So what if he gets a Misdemeanor? I think all people who commit PFMA's (Partner/Family Member Assault) should be Felons, hell, that's what it is for beating animals. Hurting animals is horrid, but why is it considered worse than beating people? Anyways, I am tired of living like this. Perhaps it will change someday...wonder if it'll be for better or for worse?

Wow, is that really all the randomness I have? No, I suppose not. I do want to review my bottle of Fizz lube at some point today. I still have a few toys to review. I need to look into getting something for storage. I can barely zip my FYN Adult Toy Chest (kinda pissed that I paid $95 for it and now it sells for $60 at Eden, what gives with the huge price drop anyways, and couldn't it have happened before I bought mine :( ), and I have three small boxes in my closet filled with toys, plus the Hitachi and four dildos (and 5+ bottles of lube) that sit on my nightstand. I really need to find something better.

Enough randomness for now. Naruto is distracting me anyways. I really should stop telling people that I like that lame show...lol

Super long post...

I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.

I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.

No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.

I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.

My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.

Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).

It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.

Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.

I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.

I looked online (match.com actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.

I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.

If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).

I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about lying...it just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.

My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.

Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.

I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.

The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care though...at least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.

I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.

Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.

Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol

I've got nothing clever here...

My brain is pretty fried. Maybe it was all the candy I sucked in over Halloween, perhaps it twas the head cold I contracted, or most likely, both combined. My brain isn't working right though, I know that much. I sit and just space out...kinda like I'm doing now.

I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.

My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "Power Penis" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...

The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like this, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.

My brain is still fried...so I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)

The stress diet

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning. Me with my frizzed bed hair, my puffy swollen throat and my red sore nose, all hunched over and pathetic like, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Clothed in only my stretch marks and scars, I gasped when I saw what it read. 188 pounds. Three weeks ago I weighed in at 203 lbs.

I would say that this is the time I've lost weight the fastest. I guess that's what happens when you vomit several times per day and are shaking too badly to eat anything. My first week went with me eating virtually nothing. There were days I didn't even manage to get down an 8 oz glass of water, other days I managed to force a spoon full or two of food down my throat. It was horrid, probably one of the most nerve wracking times in my life. The second week I was managing to eat almost half as much food at each meal as my children would eat. This third week I am actually eating as much if not a tiny bit more than my children now.

In 3 and a half weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I would not suggest trying this, as it is about the unhealthiest way to loose weight I can think of besides purging after every meal. I don't feel very good either. I have been really tired and weak and have not been sleeping very well either. My motivation has really sunk through the floor.

Now that I've begun eating a little better, I got sick! Yesterday morning I felt like I had tried to swallow steel wool and razor blades the way my throat felt. I did nothing besides lie on the couch and try to drink lots of hot liquids. My throat was all red and swollen and it only got worse as the day went on. By last evening the mucous had started sliding down my throat making things worse. Blowing my nose produced bright yellow snot...not exactly a good sign. I've always been told that any other color besides clear means a doctor visit...but seriously, like I can afford that right now. If it turns green or bloody then I'll think about going in for it. A little sinus infection never hurt anybody...right? he ha, lets hope it doesn't get worse.

Last night I had fever dreams...ugh, they were horrid. I dreamt I was homeless and living in a shelter, only it looked like it had been taken straight from a Mad Max movie. I walked outside and was going to go to town to find a job, when bugs started biting me. I looked at my right arm and there was a beetle looking thing trying to burrow into my skin. I squeezed it out like a bad zit and as I did it released some yellowish looking foam onto me. The yellow stuff bubbled up on my skin then did like acid and burned a bloody hole through my skin exposing muscle and bone. I looked over at my left arm and saw all these huge bloody sores and I could see the bugs buried deep within them. Then the yellowish foam was released again and it started burning all the flesh off my arm leaving ragged hunks of hide and destroyed muscle with bone exposed. I screamed and woke up.

The dream had been incredibly vivid and lifelike. When I woke up I was lying in a puddle of sweat in the sheets. I was shaking and really upset still. All my worst nightmares have bugs or worms in them. I think the only one I've had worse than this one was the dream where maggots were crawling around underneath my skin and doctors had to cut my skin off and scrape all the maggots off of me. Why do I have dreams like this? Couldn't I just have normal dreams? After last night I can't believe I was complaining about the sex dreams I had about my husband. I'll take those over nightmares any night. Ick...ick, ick ick. Bug dreams suck.

I have so much to do, so many people to call. I have been avoiding talking though, with my throat as sore as it is. I have some numbing cough drops, but I hate using them because then I'm worried about what damage I'm doing to myself while numbed. I got a summons for jury duty...of all the freakin' times to get it, why the hell does it have to be now? I know they won't pick me, the whole my husband being arrested for a crime against me thing...but still, why do I have to go in for them to tell me they don't want me? My mom wants me to call and talk to the court house, but I've been putting it off. I have a serious thing against talking on the phone to people that aren't friends or family. I get that from my dad, no secret there that he hates talking over the phone too.

It is weird to think that I only have 38 pounds left until I reach my goal for weight. I've lost 47 pounds so far since I first started dieting at the beginning of this calender year. 8 more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when I got pregnant the first time. 150 is what I was when I met my husband and got married, 125 when I was in high school, but that was underweight for my height. I think 150 is a good goal weight for me, it is the healthy weight for a woman 5'8" with average bone structure after all. Once I reach 150 I'll see how I feel and if I need to tone up or build muscle then I will. Right now I'm not worrying about it too much.

I am sick and feeling like crap...think I'll go take a nap for a couple hours until my daughter gets home from preschool. I had better be over this by the weekend...I will be uber pissed if I can't go visit my folks and get my kitten.

Wibbly wobbly once more...

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting again...one day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my forgiveness...my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette smoke...it doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...

Finally starting to move forward.

The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.

I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that bright...no offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.

I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.

It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.

Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.

Alive and kicking, despite it all.

Okay, I'll admit it...I ran away from my problems for a couple days. I went to visit my parents and left all the crap and headache here. Apparently it was so nice as to wait for me. When I got home I discovered my internet was shut off. Of course that was Saturday evening so I couldn't do anything about it Sunday. Today I went and paid the internet company and they turned it back on for me...though I have no idea for how long. I will be behind again at the beginning of next month, and it's not like my husband is giving me any money for bills...or food for that matter.

I have had a drastic change in attitude this past week. I went from missing my husband and hoping things worked out to wishing he met with an untimely accident. It is very evil of me to think about it, but honestly things would be much better for me right now if he got ran over and died. Chances are that he will not change, meaning he will spend the rest of his life miserable and abusive. I will always have to deal with him trying to interfere and messing with the children's lives. Plus, if he kicked the can, I would get $250,000.00 from his life insurance. It is terrible that I have actually wished for his demise, but it is difficult to feel compassion for a man who has basically abandoned his wife and children.

We have no money for anything. Okay, that's not true. I have about $150 in cash for food and diapers. Who knows when I'll be getting any more money, so that is what I have to try and live on. He puts something into the account, then he withdraws and causes overdrafts. Within one week he had overdrawn the account TWICE!!!! In one week, he managed to screw the finances over. I am a little confused why he needs over half of the money, but me and the two children can live on shit? I am really confused, but aren't they his children too? Perhaps he doesn't care if they starve?

My general attitude now is that he can fuck off and die for all I care, as long as he leaves me and the girls alone. I do not trust him, nor will I ever trust him. I would have to be stupid to trust him after everything that has happened. Going back and thinking about our marriage, I am pissed off that he would think it okay to treat me the way he has. I actually believed no man would ever want me, I actually started to believe that I was crazy and had no right or place in life. I think now that he would be hard pressed to prove to me that I am not worth something. I am not the smartest, or the most talented, or the sexiest woman on the face of this earth, but you know what? I sure as hell am not the stupidest, or the ugliest, or worthless. I have worth...every human being has worth solely because they exist. Being born is enough reason to be priceless and cherished.

I've been thinking about moving on...about how hard it will be, but how exciting it will be at the same time. I can't describe how liberating it feels to know that I could find someone who wouldn't push me away all the time, someone who really would love and value me for who I am. Men like that do exist...it's just trying to find one who is available. Ha, I think most women could attest to that being the hard part...dig through the shit until you find a diamond.

I finally got my late review submitted today. I had been so out of sorts for a while, and hadn't got it done. I had made up my mind to do it after I got back from my mini vacation, until I got home and found the internet turned off. At least that's done and over with now. Now to review the cock ring for which I have no cock to try it out on...I guess I'll just put what I can, and admit that I don't have a cock :(

I've made my list for a man I would consider marrying. It is long, I'll admit it. Heck I might as well put it on here.

The Man I Would Consent to Marry...

1) must be intelligent enough to carry a witty conversation and be able to understand my jokes.
2) must have a healthy self-esteem and be confident of himself
3) must be able to take care of himself and be able to make large and small decision responsibly
4) must be polite and respectful to others even if his viewpoint does not match theirs
5) must be passionate about life and be able to be optimistic in times of upheaval
6) must have a gentle and loving spirit
7) must place great value on the trust and respect that I bestow upon him
8) must be honest above all else, even if it causes conflict
9) must hold family in high regard and be very committed to a peaceful and loving home life
10) must not discourage my faith or beliefs
11) must allow me the satisfaction of pleasing him WITHOUT the fear of constant rejection
12) must be able to see the "big picture" and not focus on small disagreements
13) must be able to love and accept my girls without showing blatant favoritism for his biological children, whether or not those children are with me
14) must be supportive and uplifting to me in times of need
15) must not swear at me or raise his voice to me or call me names
16) must end a confrontation if I begin to cry or show signs of defeat or fear, realizing that no argument is worth causing permanent harm to the relationship
17) must not ignore me or walk away while I am talking
18) must not knowingly cause me pain, physical or emotional
19) must be fun to be around and be able to laugh openly and honestly
20) must value kind gestures over expensive gifts
21) must be able to trust me completely without holding back

That's all :P

pluggin' away at life, one day at a time

It felt good to get that stuff off my chest last night. I thought I would sleep better, but I didn't. I still miss my husband. I am hoping this gets easier. Some nights it gets so hard, I think about calling him. I know I can't though. I just keep telling myself that calling him would only make things worse...no matter how worried I get about him or how badly I miss him.

It is difficult trying to put myself and the children first. I've been the only person my husband has really had to count on, and it feels so foreign to me to consider myself before him. I've excused a lot of the emotional abuse from him because of his past. I've always felt so bad for him, being cast aside by his own mother...I never thought he would threaten my life though. I feel like no matter how hard I tried to help him, he just slipped through my fingers. Maybe he will make the choice to get better on his own. I don't know, but I've got to take care of myself and the girls before I can worry about anybody else, even if he is the father of my children.

I braved the snow and went grocery shopping. I was sneaky and did it while my oldest girl was in school. Just the 2 year old went with me, so that made it easier. Then comes the fun task of figuring out bills...bleh. I don't have enough money to make even some of the bills. I am prioritizing the car payments and insurance...so we can get the hell out of here if we have to. I still have to make up my list of all the bills, and figure out just how much debt there is. I am always the one who gets stuck with fixing the finances after he screws them all up. Geez, maybe I should go to college to be an accountant...if only I didn't hate it so much. lol

Anyways, I'd better stop stalling and get back to my life...one day at a time, I just keep telling myself, one day at a time and I'll get through this.

Up to my armpits in poop

I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(

On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.

I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.

I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?

I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one.

Ugh...so much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.

Bored to death

I am bored, bored, bored, and lonely. It really shows too...this is my THIRD post today! Seriously, I am horrified by my own boredom. I pray that I don't start putting a sock on my hand and talking to it. I already talk to the cat... I feel like Pontoffel Pock, wishing I could just get away from it all...pretty sure I could figure out the whole pull-ems and push-ems thing though ;) I doubt my extreme fear of heights would allow me to fly through the air sitting on a piano bench, magical or no.

I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.

Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's ass...no question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's hollow...cool song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(

Lonely, oh so lonely...

Ugh...no one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.

I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.

I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."

I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.

This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.

I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...

Just random crap

I feel more like writing now than I did earlier...not sure why though. One thought is that my husband is trying to scare me about the finances. His job is going kinda slow (total understatement) and we are pretty well broke. He lost his phone yesterday, so he asked me to call it, which I did. Well, he had it up on the top shelf in the linen closet in the bathroom (who knows why) and it vibrated off the ledge. Needless to say, the thing is broken beyond repair. It might have fared better if he hadn't previously dropped it down the stairs, or on the side walk who knows how many times. Anyways, the screen went white and taking out the battery and putting it back in didn't help at all. The people at Verizon Wireless basically told him it is garbage (we already knew that). He used to get a discount at Verizon because his previous job had tie-ins to them that I never really understood. Our 6% discount is gone now and our contract with them is up as of October 1st. We heard they are merging with Alltel, but any contract you have you are stuck in, even if they change things after the fact.

So today my husband went to one of the many Alltel stores here, and bought two phones and a plan that allows us 10 my circle numbers, and unlimited text to each other. I'm not sure of all the details, because hubby did the shopping without me. I'll learn more about it and get my new phone tonight. He picked up the LG Scoop for both of us, slate for him turquoise for me. I kinda like the orange one more though, so I may send him back this evening for an exchange.

I hope it isn't too bulky, as I don't carry a purse...EVER. I am not one of those moms you see with a hand bag that looks like luggage with everything besides the kitchen sink in it. My phone goes in my right front jeans pocket, my keys in the left, my money and ID in my back right pocket. If I have any lipstick or other things I need to take with me, then my husband is responsible for carrying them. I don't take extra crap with me when I go out with friends, and I don't want to carry an extra bag just because it looks "hip."

My current phone is the MotorKrzr...it sucks. Don't buy that phone!!! I originally got it because it is fairly thin and sexy as hell. Too bad it's a piece of steaming poo. My first phone like this (when they first came out with it) went through major screen issues, and had a thing for turning off at the most inopportune times. We took it into the store, and they said it had gotten wet. I left it on the vanity while I took a shower...big whoop. My previous LG phone had survived taking a dip in a glass of iced tea...twice. I didn't do it in case you are wondering...my daughter was about 2 at the time, and had an obsession with putting things into glasses that were full of liquid. Anyways, since I had only had it a short while, they gave us half off on a phone exactly like it ("No thanks, I'll never actually NEED a warranty, why would I?" Doh!!) The new phone did exactly what the previous one had. They again told us that it was ruined by moisture, until we told them to look at the damn moisture indicator, and guess what...it was still WHITE! No moisture, just a crappy phone. They updated the software, and told us that would fix it. It got better for awhile, until the battery started acting weird. By weird I mean the phone says it is fully charged, then 5 minutes into a conversation it says the battery is low...whoops! It just shut off!! I have been putting up with this crappy thing for awhile now, so I am glad to be getting a new phone. I think this "MotoCrpr" may meet "Mr. hammer" when all is said and done.

I wasn't anticipating the cost of new phones, and it is really going to bite into our budget. It will be cheaper per month than our old contract with VW, but the phones were $200. We will have a mail-in-rebate, so we will be getting that $200 back...in the freakin' next year or so. I HATE mail-in-rebates because IF you get the money back, it takes (in my experience) 3-8 months!! Anyways, it will be nice to have the whole deal over with.

Just to stress me out more, my husband told me today that all the prices in the store are going up, and the up front cost of special order furniture is going from 25% to 50%. It will be a lot harder to sell to people because of it, plus people aren't buying as much because of the shitty ass economy. Maybe he'll be job hunting again soon :( Bleh...as long as the mortgage and utilities are paid, right? No more toy buying for me for awhile...seriously, that part really bugs me. The not shopping and the cutting back of eating out and such doesn't bother me at all, but no more new toys!!!!! Thank goodness for Eden's review program. I have some pretty cool toys now anyways, and they are satisfying enough. Maybe this is a good thing...perhaps I was getting a little addicted.

Speaking of toys...the new one came today. It is actually a lot cooler than I was expecting. It is a small clit vibe, super soft TPR material, fairly strong, and fairly quiet. Too bad it uses watch batteries, or else I would absolutely love it. It is about the length of my finger, but the shape reminds me of a swirl cone. The baby blue is adorable too...even though that puts me in mind of a baby teether. It is supposed to be water proof, so I'll have to use it in the tub to test it...dang ;)

More random crap here, I'm thinking about the phone again. My husband just sent me a text, shame on him as it is free for the Alltel contract, but for VW they will charge me 10 cents for every incoming and outgoing txt!! He has already cost us 20 cents by sending a stupid text that I had to reply to. "Loving my new phone?" Yes, that is what he sent me. Was it a question asking if I am loving his new phone...is he trying to make me jealous? Or perhaps it was supposed to be "Loving my new phone!" I am thinking that one, since that would make a hell of a lot more sense. Maybe he is just confused...I know I am.

I don't think I will like the blue phone. I don't particularly like blue for me. I think blue is pretty, but not on me, not even a phone. I have pale (ghostly white actually) skin and dark brown/black hair...blue doesn't look good on me. I think I will make him drive his ass back to the store and pick up the orange one. Well okay, I'll have him pick it up on his way home from work. It wouldn't be nice to make him make an extra trip for it.

Okay, there went 20 more cents! Gotta love being txt'd to death :(

Ohhh, netflix in the mail! 3 Star Trek Next Generations, Rurouni Kenshin, and Ah! My Goddess.

One last random thought...I swear ;) I wish Eden would send the cost of the toy along when they send out toys new to the site. That Elastomer cactus toy I reviewed recently...I was shocked that it was above $25, and it would have made a good difference in my opinion of it's over all value if I had known that BEFORE I wrote the review. At least I could have mentioned it. Thank goodness for follow up reviews and comments. I think it would just be helpful if a little sticky note on the product packaging listed either the price or the price range. I've seen sticky notes listing product material before, so why not price? If I reviewed a toy that I thought deserved a price of $30, but the actual price was $15, or course I'd want to mention that in the review. Same goes for thinking a toy is around the $25 mark then finding out later that it is actually $43 as was the case with the Bonsai Joy toy.

Okay, so I lied about no more random crap. And speaking of crap...we bought new curtains last night! Yep, they are brown curtains...hence the crap comment. Not sure they look so good with the red walls, but they will look awesome with the sage green walls...once I get my lazy ass around to painting the living room. We are broke right? New curtains don't make sense...well they do if your furnace is over 50 years old and you buy thermal curtains. We are going to be freezing this winter, and paying out the ass for it. Last winter our gas bill averaged from $160 to $200 each month, not to mention the $80 in electricity bills each month. The furnace needs to be replaced, but we can't afford it right now or else we would get it done before winter hits big time. Our estimated gas bill this winter should average around $230 each month, and that's according to the gas company so it will probably be closer to $250 or even $300 per month.

Anyways, the new curtains are making a big difference already. The living room is staying warmer during the night, and they look nice too. I almost can't tell they are Walmart curtains. I only got 2 panels and they were $20 per panel. Later on I'd like to get 2 more panels, because it really should be 4 wide so they look nicer when closed. I also got small thermal curtains for the bay window, although they are too long. Seriously...this means I will have to dig out the damn sewing machine and hem them up. I wouldn't bother, but they are over 10" too long. Weirdly enough the shortest thermal curtains they had there were 63" long, and I needed 52." At some point we'll need to seal the girl's bedroom windows with plastic from the outside.

The oldest girl doesn't have curtains in her room, because she recently ripped the rod down. I don't feel like putting something else up just for her to destroy it. I guess at least she can't bust it up into little pieces like she can with blinds. I don't know what to do with her some days :( A talk to the Dr. is in order though as her behavior is out of control. I took her bed away from her because she was chewing it to pieces. She leaned her mattress up against the window sill and was jumping into it so it would fling her back onto the floor. I took that away too, so she spent a night just her bedding. So much for punishment, she thought it was fun to "camp out" in her room. Right now her dresser is in her closet, and we put a flip lock on it up where she can't reach it. She was getting in there and ripping clean clothes off the hangars so she could play with them, not to mention chewing buttons off as well. She has nothing in her room besides her mattress and her bedding.

I don't get what the deal is with that little girl. She has gotten past the terrible twos, and has stopped with the whinny temper tantrums. Now it just seems to be all out destruction mode. It really embarrasses me that she acts this was. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase and it will pass. I'm dealing with it how I have read is best. I take away toys for being naughty (time outs don't affect her at all) and then I give one back if she has behaved better than normal for a whole day. I reward her good deeds with praise, and in special cases with a small treat (little suckers are her favorite). It is just frustrating me beyond belief. I am currently working on getting her to sleep more in case she is grumpy from lack of sleep. She goes to bed at 8 in the evening and gets up at 6 in the morning. She takes a 2 hour nap in the after noon as well. I am thinking about skipping the nap, and putting her to bed at 6 at night instead. Kids her age are supposed to get around 12 hours of sleep, so it is at least worth a shot to try some adjusting. I just pray she doesn't get worse.

Okay, I just caught her stacking up toys as high as she could then putting her mattress on it like a ramp. No mattress tonight either. I am so frustrated with her. Reason does nothing for dealing with her, punishment doesn't seem to do anything either, and I think the whole, reward the positive ignore the bad is a load of crap. I don't think the people who write this crap even have kids, or at least not ones that can think. I don't understand why she does some of this stuff, but at least I know she is creative and smart. Thank goodness the bathroom has a lock on the door...I think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't have a minute escape from all the craziness. Why do I want another one? Maybe I should check myself into a mental home, lol Maybe I want another baby because the newborn stage is so nice. They are cuddly then, easy to take care of (granted your baby isn't colicky) and they are so quiet and adorable. I am going to go crazy when my oldest becomes a pre-teen. Ha, it's hard to put up with her attitude at age 3 1/2.

I'm attracted to fat, balding, midle aged men? Seriously?

I realized something strange as I was watching the Sopranos one evening. Tony Soprano is hot! Ever watch the show? Understand why I am a little confused? Is it his physical appearance, or the confidence and power shown through his demeanor? I have come to the conclusion that it is the latter. I am attracted to mafia style characters. The power, the confidence, yes maybe even the violence a little bit. I wouldn't want it in my real life, but the thought of my lover beating the crap out of someone to protect me has its allure. I am also attracted to Italian men, though I think a great majority of women are. The language is sexy and sensual, and there is just something sexy about dark hair and dark eyes. The Italian factor does take a back seat to the attitude though, as I've noticed I'm drawn to men who show the same confidence but lack the dark hair and eyes.

Another show that has confused me is CSI. It is obvious who is supposed to be sexy on there. The two younger men who are ripped and toned beyond belief, but who am I attracted to? Grissom of course. The man in charge, the man with the confidence and the knowledge and weird little hobbies.

Just look at who I married! While he doesn't have the dark hair and dark eyes that I pined for in my teenager days, he does have the fat and balding part down :D lol He thinks his big hard belly bothers me. He thinks I'll be disgusted by him if he becomes bald (thankfully I've stoped pointing out to him how rapidly his "thin patch" is losing it's trees). When I first met him he was fat, and had his hair cut so close he may as well have been bald. Just to clarify I think bald cuts only look good on certain men, it is the balding look that I like. The receding hair line and the thin patch on top. I can't say as I understand this attraction, but I can't deny it's there.

I met my hubby online through an online dating service. After we talked via email, messenger, and phone, for a few months we agreed to met in person. The round hard belly didn't bother me, and no matter how many times I told him that it didn't turn me off, he remained uneasy about me touching it. At least now he understands me a little better and doesn't grimace when I grab his pregnancy-esque tummy that is covered in red hair. There is the massive amount of freckles, the blue eyes, the red hair, the balding, the big belly, and the ugly feet. I know I am weird, but I don't like feet, I never have. He possesses so many features that I swore disgusted me when I was a teen, so how is it that he drives me wild? He is built a little bit like a bull. Thick neck, thick chest, wide shoulders, and an endurance that sometimes amazes me.

To make my husband perfect, I don't think I would change the way he looks. If I could change anything it would be his attitude. Not his personality, just his attitude and level of confidence. He doesn't carry himself with any sense of pride, and I wish he did. He is a smart man who works hard and I think he deserves to have more pride in himself and more confidence. I blame his mother for this, because I don't think he would be like this if she hadn't constantly told him he wasn't good enough when he was growing up. I won't talk about that though, as there is not enough time in the whole world to talk about "her."

Yes there are some things I wish were different about my husband, but over all I think he's a pretty neat guy. He puts up with me after all ;) I can be hard to live with sometimes, as my sense of humor is a little strange. I am the one with the chimney sweep song from Mary Poppins as my ring tone for when my hubby calls, ONLY because it bugs him. He was sorta annoyed at first, but now thinks it's funny. When anyone else calls me, its the Imperial March from Star Wars, lol I know, you wouldn't think the two would go together at all...and they don't :P

This is sort of another note, but I wanted to add that my hubby has gotten much sexier to me after he has started his new job (and I was insanely attracted to him before ;). He has went from wearing ratty jeans and tee's stained with plumbing glue and paint to wearing dress slacks, dress shirt, and a tie. Is that the whole "power" thing again? What ever it is, I like it. This has brought a fetish to light though. Hubby likes me to wear one of his ties while we have sex cowgirl style. I didn't think much of it the first time he asked. It is kinda hot, and I don't mind wearing a man's neck tie, but he has been asking for it a lot lately. lol He could have came up with something weirder though, so I am thankful. I must admit I do look pretty hot with a tie hanging between my busty boobs ;) At least he doesn't ask me to wear his pizza delivery boy hat, lol I would say no to that one.

COMPLETELY off subject here, but I printed out butt loads of free knit and crochet patterns yesterday (in fact we need more ink now). We are still kinda broke, so I am trying to think of cheapish presents that have some meaning to them for XMAS and birthdays this year. I can make gifts for around $15-$50 depending on how large the item is and what kind of yarn it calls for. There is a pattern for a knitted dress I'd like to make for myself, but figured up the cost of the "cashmere blend" yarn and it would be around $150. I could buy a dress cheaper than that, so I won't probably make it for quite a long while. I have picked out yarns though and had hubby pick some up last night on his way home from delivering pizza. I bought enough yarn to make a beautiful blanket for a friend's new baby girl, and yarn for a shrug for a friend for birthday in a couple months. After those are done I'll need to pick up yarn to make a little kitted vest for my nephew who will be turning 2 in a couple months. I don't like most home knitted or crocheted things because they look so cheap, but I've actually been able to find some very nice patterns online that were free. I am a stickler for wanting things to look professional and neat.

I was going to post a link to the baby blanket I will be starting on today, but Coats and Clark's website isn't loading. I'll add a link to it another day though. This pattern is "Experienced" level, so I should be working on it a few days. If I can't get a stupid link, I'll just take a picture of the finished product.

Some new dvds came from netflix today, 2 Sopranos, 2 Star Trek, the next generation, and Whisper of the Heart. I'd better get "busy" ;)

New toys always make me smile :D

The Fleshlight did come! It was fun to play with, though I must say hubby's reaction was a little disappointing at first. I got it all cleaned up and ready for when he got home, so he wouldn't have to mess with it. I was right in guessing that he would want me to use it on him.

I am a little confused as to what exactly he was expecting from it. He spent a lot of time complaining that it wasn't tight enough. I finally had to tell him to stop bitching about it and just relax. He followed my advice and closed his eyes and tried to relax, instead of critiquing how I held the monstrously huge fleshlight. Not surprisingly, he reported that it felt much better when he closed his eyes and just enjoyed the sensations. He has wanted to include it into our lovemaking a couple times since that first run. The favorite use so far is to fold a pillow around it and he can lay on it and use it while he goes down on me. That use alone is worth having one. He likes it enough that he is interested in getting a different sleeve that is either tighter or has some ridges. The "original" sleeve was not as stimulating as either of us had hoped for, so we'll be buying a couple different ones to find a better fit for him. Fleshlight does some sales where it's buy two sleeves get a third one free, so I will most likely order from them next time instead of EdenFantasys. I would like to get a couple for him, so he has some variety.

We are still doing some product "research" so it will be a day or two until I get the review out. I always feel a little strange reviewing male specific toys, because of course I am not a man. It is a longer process than if it's just a toy for my use only. My hubby isn't much for writing, and has trouble articulating feelings and sensations to me. It is usually kind of like an interview, and occasionally it turns into an interrogation and we have to get out the flogger, but that's a whole other story ;) I can't just ask him to describe it to me I have to ask "does it feel more like *whatever* or does it feel like *whatever, whatever* ?" After about 20 "no's" he'll say, "maybe more like the first thing you said, and some of that last thing." Weirdly enough, as I was using it on him, he kept asking me if I liked it. I finally just started saying that it was sooo sexy and I loved using it on him every minute or so. I am guessing that's what he was looking for, given the look of utter egotistical satisfaction across his face. Wish he would have just said "I'd like you to tell me how sexy it is." Sometimes he really confuses me, but hey, life would be boring without it ;)

I'll be getting a new toy today, yay! I am not sure what it is exactly. When I first learned I'd be getting it I went to the site to find out more about it, well it just showed up under dvd's and it's called "Bonsai." An internet search lead me to this. Lol, needless to say I was a little bit taken aback. I was like, "whoa, that's pretty weird. Guess it will be interesting to review a porn, since I've never done that before." I was a bit wary of the whole "Asian Bush" fetish going on. I told my hubby about it, and he was excited about it! Honestly I was surprised, as he is into big boobs and "bare down there." I really don't like ethnicity as a fetish, as color of skin shouldn't be considered a fetish as far as I'm concerned. Heck, I'm white and I find it offensive, I can't imagine how black or asian people feel about it.

Anyways, back to what I was talking about...hubby gets weird with porn. The rule in our house is that we only watch porn together, since he doesn't like me watching it without him, and I don't like him using all his sex drive up without me, so the rule only made sense to both of us. He is always majorly excited to watch porn together, until it actually starts...then come the comments. "wow, this is stupid. She isn't very hot. Ewww, that's gross, why would anybody enjoy that?" It usually goes on like that for about five minutes until I've had enough of it, I ask him if he just wants to turn it off...and of course he doesn't. lol I have come to believe that he really likes it, but doesn't want me to know that he does. If he can tell that I am enjoying it, he insists we turn it off and just go get busy without it. Needless to say, we don't watch porn much, as it usually only ends up lasting for about 5 minutes until we abandon it.

Yesterday I went to see if anything new about the toy had been put up onto the site, and it is now listed as a G-spot toy! I told my hubby, and he was visually disappointed (again, I wish he would make up his mind about porn so we can either not bother or else enjoy it). Anyways, I'm a little bit worried about what this toy is going to look like. Bonsai? Like a tree? I had hoped that it was a wooden toy, but it says it vibrates, so it's not likely. I have this image in my head of a woman (not me, as my imagination is not that self-torturous) trying to use a bonsai tree as a sex toy. I have NO idea what to expect! I am hoping for the best, and expecting the worst.

Waaaaay off topic here, but I fit into my pre-second baby jeans yesterday! They are junior's sizes and I don't understand the sizing as compared to ladies'. These are size 13, and they are a little smaller than my ladies' size 10 jeans. I am guessing they are near in size to what 9's would be, if I could find size 9 anywhere I would compare, though I am under the impression no such thing exists. I am NOT down to size 8 jeans yet, and I know I wouldn't be able to get my butt into a pair even if I tried. A few weeks ago I tried putting on a pair of my jeans from in between children, and I actually ripped the butt where the belt loop was sewn down. lol I won't try so hard next time :) It seems like there weren't any ladies jeans in the styles that I like (and fit me) back then. It was only 3 years ago, but it seems like ladies jeans include more than just "mom jeans" now. I may be a mother, but I am only 24 for pete's sake! Actually I doubt I'll want to wear the jeans, with tapered legs and a waist that sits under my boobs, no matter what age I reach. I have really been diggin' the Levi's that are boot cut with a mid-raise waist. They aren't too high, but my ass crack doesn't show either, and boot cut is the only style of jeans I will allow on my body.

So totally into rambling there. I should go put the netflix dvd's out before the mailman comes. When I pay the same amount no matter how long I keep the movies, I feel like I have to watch them and get them back out in the mail as fast as I possibly can. lol I know that defeats the purpose or the whole "no late fees" thing, but seriously, I don't want to just thrown my money at them for nothing!