Where the hell did my life go?

I have no idea where to even start. It is no secret that my husband has been emotionally, verbally, economically, and psychically abusive towards me. Most of the things started really gradually, then just got worse as time went by. He is not always abusive either. It almost seems like he is two different people. For a couple days he will be very sweet and loving, then without warning will switch to being incredibly mean and throwing out put downs hourly. It will usually last for a few days or a week, then with nothing changing or happening he will just switch back to being loving.

I've tried so hard to get him back into therapy, to talk to someone, so seek help. He admits that he is abusive towards me, but he sticks to the mantra "I haven't hit you, so it's not that bad." Hitting me is the only thing he has not done to me. He has physically restrained me, locked me out of the house on a cold night, raped me while I slept...then there's all the emotional stuff. One day I'm sexy, the next day I'm disgusting. It has been so exhausting living like this. I've been in a constant depression and fighting it with everything I've got.

Things changed on Sunday night. It all started over a video game. I love video games, I always have and I always will. My husband on the other hand, uses them to escape his life. They mean more to him than the girls and I do, he has made that clear through both actions and words. The first time he threatened to kill me was because I told him it wasn't an appropriate time to play a video game. I didn't provoke him, I didn't pick at him, nothing. All I had said was "if you're getting this upset, then you shouldn't play it anymore." That was enough for him to throw the controller on the floor breaking it (it hit only a couple inches from our youngest girl) and he began screaming at me. He stood over me and pulled his fist back and told me "I should beat you to death." The second time he threatened to kill me was a little different. I don't remember what it was over, but the fight escalated to the point where I had given up on living. I figured it would just be better to die than to keep living with a man who didn't love me and didn't respect me. It was really stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I was so upset that I was afraid I would commit suicide. I needed to do something physical to release some of the pain (I used to cut when I was in high school and dating an abusive guy, which was incredibly hard for me to stop but I did). I hit myself on the head. It wasn't hard, it didn't hurt me. It was more of an action that I could use to focus on, just to keep from snapping and slitting my throat. Anyways, my husband freaked out and grabbed a nearby hammer and swung it at me. He stopped it just inches from my skull, telling me "that would make you stop, wouldn't it you stupid bitch?"

I've tried so hard to make things better, but nothing has had any impact nor helped. Sunday night I tried to get away from him like I always do when the fighting and screaming starts. I went into the bathroom, he followed me, insulting me the whole time. I asked him repeatedly to just leave me alone, or let me leave. He always just said "no." I finally asked him "what do you expect from me? You just want me to sit here and be abused?" His response was "like you have a choice." At that point I knew there was no talking to him. He was in a place where he was completely desensitized towards me. I wasn't his wife anymore, I wasn't his lover, or the mother of his children. All I was to him in that moment was someone for him to vent all his emotions onto. I was his emotional punching bag, and afraid that I would be a physical one too.

My husband has this weird thing with being tired. He is always tired, and tends to fall asleep when extremely upset or emotional. I think it is a defense mechanism, but it doesn't matter what it is as it gave me an opening. I waited until he started falling asleep then I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I managed to get to the car and inside of it before he reached me. The first thing I did was lock the doors, then I started the car and backed out of the driveway. I barely missed him, and he tried to run in front of the car to block me. I swerved around him and he punched the trunk of the car as I drove away.

I had no idea where to go or what to do. All I had on me was my driver's license, two dollars in cash, my keys, my jacket, my cell phone, and a finger nail file. I drove across town to an Albertson's store where I parked in the parking lot. It was 11:30 at night, and 40 degrees outside. I just sat there and cried. I didn't know what to do, I was confused and scared. I had left my girls at the house. They had been asleep in their beds before we even started fighting. My phone rang, but I didn't answer it. It was my husband, and he left a voice mail. I listened to it. He was crying and apologizing for fighting. He said he was afraid I would hurt myself (I left the house to protect myself, so I'm not sure where he got the idea I wanted to die). I wasn't sure if he really was sorry or not, but it seemed like the anger was gone, so I called him back. We talked for about 30 minutes, most of which he was assuring me that he would seek therapy the next morning and that he didn't want to hurt me. My phone battery died while we were talking. I was hopeful that perhaps he meant what he had said. I had been wanting him to get into therapy again for several months. I thought the fighting was over, and that we would be able to make a plan of action for setting things back on the right track again.

I drove home and parked in the driveway. I just sat there, trying to collect my thoughts and clear my mind. My husband came out of the house and got in the car with me. He was very sweet and gentle with me at first. I smelled alcohol on his breath and he admitted he had been drinking, though it was never made clear how much he had. He apologized a few more times and told me that he would do whatever it would take to keep our marriage together. I started talking about him maybe going to the hospital that night to talk to someone, and not waiting until the morning. I wanted him to do it to prove that he was willing to change. Well, it pissed him off and the name calling and put downs started again. He began threatening to call the cops on me and have them take me to the hospital and lock me up because I was so "fucking insane." I just sat and cried, I knew better than to try and talk with him. I waited until he started falling asleep again, then I bolted for the house. I got there and got the door locked seconds before he got to the door.

He was extremely pissed at me for locking him out of the house. I was so scared. I could see in his face that he wanted me dead. I don't think I've ever seen so much raw hatred in him before. He told me to unlock the door or he would break out the door window. I told him that I couldn't, I was too scared he would hurt me. He said "I don't care about that." and continued to make threats. I thought about running and plugging my phone in so I could call 911, but I knew if I left his sight he would kick the door down and kill me. He punched the door window, and discovered he couldn't break the plexi-glass. He told me again to open the door. I told him that I was afraid if I let him in he would try to kill me, his response was "I don't FUCKING care!" I was trembling and sobbing, wishing the nightmare would end. He said he was going to break a window to get in, and he started walking off the steps. I knew it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, I was going to die. I was afraid of him breaking something and waking up the children, so I unlocked the door.

He came in and stood over me, swearing and screaming at me. I felt so defeated, and for a while I wished he would just beat me to death and get it over with. I had given up all hope. When he saw that I wasn't going to fight back, he calmed some. I imagine he saw that he had won. He stopped screaming and began calmly putting me down. He started saying things, like how stupid I am, that I am crazy, what a horrible person, mother, and wife I am. He told me how I didn't deserve to live and that it was my fault he was angry at me. He told me that if I wasn't such a bitch, he wouldn't have to be mean to me. He said that when I had scratched his video game (it didn't ruin it) that I had destroyed the only thing in this world that meant anything to him. My heart utterly broke when he said that. I couldn't tell myself that I meant something to him anymore. He had confirmed that I was worthless to him.

My phone was sitting on the counter, my keys were in my hand. I threw them at him which distracted him. He bent over to pick them up, and I ran. I went out the front door and just ran. I looked back and saw him following me. I ran as fast and as hard as I could. I ran a couple blocks straight then I made a turn and zig-zagged through blocks for awhile. I was thankfully still wearing my jacket, even though my legs were already cold and I felt like my heart was going to explode from running so hard. I looked back and I couldn't see him. I collapsed on the ground, hiding behind a tree. I just sat there and cried, trying to catch my breath. My legs hurt from how hard I had been running, and I could feel that my throat was raw.

I heard a car, and when I looked, I recognized it as ours. He had went back to get it. When I saw him, I knew in my heart that if he found me he would run me over. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I fought blacking out. I hid behind the trunk of tree until he had drove past. I got up and ran again. I went back to the house with the intention of plugging in my phone and calling the police. When I got there, I was out of breath and frightened nearly to death. The side door was locked. I started crying harder now, as I began to realize what this meant. I went around to the front door and found it was also locked. There was no way for me to get inside. I couldn't check on my girls, I couldn't call for help. I never once thought of knocking on a neighbors door, I don't know why, but it never even occurred to me. I ran into the back yard and sat down next to the garage. I was in a shadow and I wouldn't be visible from the street, although it was easy for me to look around the edge and see the street.

I had no idea what to do. I just sat there, sheltered from the wind, trying not to pee myself. I have never cried harder in my life than sitting there, locked out of my own home, separated from my children. I felt so guilty for leaving them. They were in the house, alone. My husband was out searching for me, I saw him drive by the house several times. He left them there. If he had truly wanted to find me to help me, he would have stayed in the house and called the police. Instead, he didn't call anyone, but left our children locked in the house while he searched for me. I assumed he wanted to kill me.

I sat there for what seemed hours. Finally he parked the car in the driveway, and went into the alley with a flashlight. He saw me. There were two fences separating us, so I ran. I went through the gate by the house on the opposite side of the yard, and I shut it behind me. I ran a block away and stood behind a large tree. I watched around the tree as he looked for me. He looked around the yard, and apparently he hadn't seen me go through the gate. He went back around the house to the other side out of my view. I ran for a couple blocks then slowed to a walk. I looked behind me several times, but didn't see him.

I didn't know where to go. I walked by a school, and the reader board said it was 3:13 in the morning. I had been outside for about two hours. Every place nearby would be closed. The only place I could think to go to was Walgreens. It was over 15 blocks away, but it was the closest store that stayed open 24 hours.

My heart jumped every time I saw a car. I was still scared to death. My legs hurt so badly, but I ignored the pain. My shin bones felt bruised from all the hard running I had done. It was so cold out and I was shivering. My jacket was only a light fleece pullover. Thankfully it had a hood and a front pocket.

When I finally got there I went straight to the bathroom. I finally felt safe. There were other people in the store, and he wouldn't hurt me if h e found me there. I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really want to call the police, because the tape in my head kept playing "he is just out of control, he wouldn't really want to hurt me...I probably just overreacted, he promised to love and protect me." I was so scared when I realized that I was making excuses for him wanting to kill me. I borrowed a phone from a store employee and called my mom. I told her briefly what had happened, and she told me I needed to call 911. She told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been left no other option. I did call 911, and waited for the officer to get there.

Two officers came into the store, and they asked me what happened. I must have looked so stupid to them. I couldn't remember clearly what had happened. I couldn't remember what the fight was over even. I was so scatter brained and confused...and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep from crying in front of them. They took me in the car back to the house. They parked back away from the house by half a block or so, and told me to wait in the car while they went to talk to my husband. It was a few minutes before they came back out. The one officer told me that they were arresting him, and I was to wait over behind the one tree so he couldn't see me while they put him in the car. I complied (what else would I do?) and watched from around the tree as they led my husband in handcuffs to the police car and put him in it. The officer came back to get me and walked with me into the house.

I was asked a few more questions while he filled out the report. He gave me a bundle of pamphlets and information about domestic abuse. He told me that there was no question that my husband needed to be arrested. He said that I was obviously scared for my life for me to go all the way to Walgreens.

It was about 4:30 am when the police left. I just sat and cried for a few minutes before I did anything. I looked over the papers some, but nothing was new to me. I have been through an abusive relationship before, and I understand how it all works. I hadn't left my husband, because I could still see good in him. It seemed like he wasn't himself and I really believed things would turn around if only I could get him back into therapy. He had never made any threats towards the children either, if he had, I would have been out of here a long time ago.

I called my mom to let her know what happened, then I took a shower. I was so filthy from sweating from running. I felt so gross, and the hot water was so welcome. I wish I could have stood there forever. I felt calm, and I felt safe. The water got cold and I had to get out. I had checked on the girls as soon as I had gotten back in the house, and they had still been asleep, oblivious that anything had even happened. I let them sleep. I wanted to badly to hold them and tell them how much I loved them, but I realised that it would only be to comfort me. I didn't bother them. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.

I didn't expect to feel so horrid. I felt like I was going to throw up, and I was dizzy. I felt an enormous amount of gilt. I had no clue what was going through my husbands head. Was he crying? was he angry? had he finally realised how serious the situation was? I didn't know, but I began to feel like I shouldn't have called the police for help. I kept telling myself that if I didn't have any choice, but it didn't help the guilt go away. Yesterday was hard. I did get my oldest daughter off to preschool, but I spent most of the day crying. It was a long, hard day.

Last night was the worst. The bed felt so empty. I was so lonely. Even during the worst times of our marriage, he has always been there in bed next to me. I missed him so much. I missed his body heat, I missed feeling him pressed up against me. I cried every time I looked at his pillow and realized that he wasn't there all over again. I kept remembering things from our past. The way he used to look at me during the first two years we were together. The way he used to hold me, like I was the most precious thing in his life. I missed that. I miss him looking into my eyes and stroking my hair. I miss being held. I never realized how dependant I was on him. I take care of all most all of the responsibilities for everyday life, but I relied on him completely for love and acceptance. I never thought this would be so hard.

My husband was in jail for one night. Yesterday he was released on bond ($75, what a fucking joke) but we are not allowed to talk at all because of the no contact order. It will stay that way until after his trial in February. This was his first offense or arrest for anything, so he will probably get ordered to go to therapy. I don't think it would be safe for him to live here even after that. I hate being in a place where I miss him so much, but yet I am scared to be in the same city as him. I keep telling myself that he has changed. He is no longer the man that I feel in love with. I love and miss the man I wish he was, not who he is today. I wish I had someone to take his place. Someone who could just hold me and make this a little easier. I know that wouldn't be smart though. I doubt anyone would even want me while I'm in this broken state. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else either. I haven't made up my mind what I am going to do about my husband. I don't know if I will divorce him, or if I will wait until after the trial and he has went to extensive therapy. Even if I do wait, it will be a year or two until we could live together again. He might not be able to get better. He might not be able to stop being abusive.

I realise my husband had a very bad childhood, and I think I have excused a lot of the abuse because of it. He was abused, and he was manipulated by his mother his whole life. I knew those things when I moved in with him. I had seen such a gentle and loving heart within him, so I thought he would be the one to break the cycle of abuse in his family, but I guess I was wrong. He so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved, and the love was deep and real between us. I didn't care about his past, I loved him and I tried to give him everything I possibly could in order to make him happy. I supported him and stood by him when he faced his childhood abuse. I was the one who held him when he cried, I was the first person who ever loved him unconditionally. He told me that meeting me was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said that he had never felt loved until he was with me.

Over the years he has gotten comfortable with me. Instead of being proud of my talents, he has become jealous. He used to say that he was thankful to be with someone so kind and gentle, but that turned into him seeing me as better than him and wanting to be better than me. I've seen him change so much in the past three years. He started threatening me this year. The first time he threatened me was that time right before Easter when he threatened to beat me to death. It wasn't that long after he had tried going to therapy.

We had went to some quack for marriage couseling, but it turned out the guy was a fucking moron. He ignored all the problems that we laid out in front of him. My husbands past and feelings of self hatered have always fueled our problems, but the stupid hippie quack ignored it. He blamed me for my husband's lack of confidence. He told me that my husband's problems were because of me, that if I wasn't so judgmental my husband wouldn't lie to me. My husband was a compulsive liar before we met, it had nothing to do with me. I didn't get how everything wrong in my husband's life was suddenly my fault, never mind the abuse he suffered through as a child. That guy actually told my husband that he needed to learn how to control me better. That was about a month before my life was threatened by the man who swore to love me through thick and thin.

I do blame a lot of what happened on that guy. We were going to therepy to try and get some help. We were at a point where we both were motivated to work our butts off to fix our marriage. It was wasted though. That guy wasted our money, our time, and almost my life. We should have just tried getting counseling through a local church, like we had originally considered doing. I can't help but think that if we would have just chose someone else, maybe my husband would have never threatened my life...maybe we wouldn't be seperated right now...maybe I wouldn't be lonely. How different things could be, if only we would have went to someone else...

I don't know what I will do in the end. I have been thinking about it a lot. I can't help but wonder where the man I married went to, and who is this asshole who looks like him?

I finally did another review!

It has been a little while, but I finally got another review cranked out. This was my first time actually including links in my review, and it looks like it turned out okay from the page that shows it has been submitted.

I keep thinking I should be writing more reviews. I used to do 1-3 everyday there for a few weeks. I still have 17 toys I could review, but just have been too lazy to actually sit down and write them. It doesn't help that I know my reviews don't count towards my rank at all. It isn't the main point, but it still kinda bums me out a little.

I have been wanting to place an order to eden for a little while. I really want to find a cooling lube that actually works. I have my eye on one by Kama Sutra, and hope to order it in a few days. I have high hopes for it, since Kama Sutra seems like a pretty good brand. Maybe I'll just end up being disappointed, but heck, it's worth a shot.

I don't have much to say really. I got the first two discs of the Sporanos season 3, and I am itching to watch it. Maybe the girls will go to bed a little early tonight. Anyways, my brain is fried right now, and I will just start rambling.

My review should be up before too long, eden is pretty quick about it most of the time. The toy I reviewed was the Slim by Tantus.

"Worth reading, but not usefull"

If you frequent the website named EdenFantasys, then you probably already know what this post is about, solely from the title. The way reviews are ranked really bugs me. Okay, it's not really the ranking system that I don't like, it's the people who rank reviews really low without giving a reason or suggestion. I have written reviews that outlined every aspect of the product, but received "not useful at all" votes. I tend to have one extremely poor vote on each review I've done. It is pretty obvious that there is someone who doesn't like me. I am not egotistical, but I can tell a good review from a crap review, and my reviews are not crap. There have been typos, but I've not ran across a reviewer so far that has not had at least one typo.

I shouldn't worry about it, and generally I don't, but lately it's been getting under my skin. If someone has a personal problem with me (not sure how they would when they don't know me) why would they vote based off of that, and not the quality and usefulness of the review?

I've wondered if it has something to do with how "main stream" I am. I don't mean that I am "normal" because that is such an over rated word that basically means nothing to me. I am not particularly that interesting in the facts that I am heterosexual, married, white, female, and a stay at home mother of two. I don't have a dangerous life, nor am I discriminated against daily, although believe it or not, that does happen to white, straight, people too.

What reason could this person have for rating me so low? Is it because my reviews don't resemble erotica? Or maybe it's because I left a suggestion on one of their reviews, and it pissed that person off? Maybe it has something to do with my being straight and monogamous. Who knows. I've noticed this happening on some of the other people's reviews as well. Maybe I am resented because within a couple months I moved into the top 5 reviewers on the site, as far as rank is concerned anyways. I know there are a few reviewers whom have differing ideas than me...but so what? That's life in a nutshell.

It is a little bit discouraging that as soon as I submit a review, I already know it will get at least one very low ranking. It annoys me that no matter how the review turns out, I will always get those rankings. If someone is going to rank my review poorly, then I feel they should give a reason. What is so wrong with leaving a comment saying "your review would be more useful if..." Would that be so hard? The only reason to not leave a reason would be if there was none. My reviews aren't perfect, but I do take them seriously.

The whole thing with reviewer rank really got under my skin. It still bothers me a little bit, but I felt it never should have been a big deal. I was warned that I would be resented for moving up the ranks so fast...and that person was right. I had extra money at the time, and ordered a lot of toys that I wanted to try. I wrote reviews for them...GASP!!!!! My rank moved up because of it...shame on me. Seriously...why would it even matter? It shouldn't matter. I know there was a lot of resentment because I hadn't done any verified reviews. I didn't see anything wrong with writing reviews on toys I had purchased, and I still don't. Why would Eden give points towards rank for unverified reviews if they didn't want people writing them? I actually bought some toys and some lubes that didn't have any reviews for them. Those reviews were worth less just because I paid my own money for them instead of getting them for free?

I didn't join the program for the free toys, or for the coupons, or for rank. I joined the review program because I was excited about writing the reviews. I've learned a lot, and I've really broadened my horizons and experience with toys. A reviewer I've talked with through email, made it clear that she wanted a high rank in case Eden gave out coupons based off of rank. I don't see why the program should be tailored towards people who rarely participate just so they can get more free toys. It seems a little petty to me, but whatever. I had been under the impression that the review program was in place to serve the shoppers and to lure them to the site. Heck, I came in for the reviews and I stayed because of the review program and the great community. They are building a customer base, it makes perfect business sense. The site doesn't exist solely to give us free toys. I felt that the reviewer program has a ranking as a thank you to the reviewers, plus it adds some incentive for those that want it. Some people can look at it as a competition, that's fine. I don't really see it that way, and that's fine too. Some of the reviewers I respect and trust the most, are NOT in the top five. I don't think I am better than them, and I often comment that I like their reviews. I used to think the people in the top 5 were the "best" on the site, now I realize that they are the people who have the most reviews, and who write reviews frequently. My list of the top five reviewers on the site isn't the same as eden's top five.

It is all a little irritating, but in the end doesn't really matter. I still enjoy writing the reviews and being a part of the community. It will probably stay that way for as long as the site is operating.

Just random crap

I feel more like writing now than I did earlier...not sure why though. One thought is that my husband is trying to scare me about the finances. His job is going kinda slow (total understatement) and we are pretty well broke. He lost his phone yesterday, so he asked me to call it, which I did. Well, he had it up on the top shelf in the linen closet in the bathroom (who knows why) and it vibrated off the ledge. Needless to say, the thing is broken beyond repair. It might have fared better if he hadn't previously dropped it down the stairs, or on the side walk who knows how many times. Anyways, the screen went white and taking out the battery and putting it back in didn't help at all. The people at Verizon Wireless basically told him it is garbage (we already knew that). He used to get a discount at Verizon because his previous job had tie-ins to them that I never really understood. Our 6% discount is gone now and our contract with them is up as of October 1st. We heard they are merging with Alltel, but any contract you have you are stuck in, even if they change things after the fact.

So today my husband went to one of the many Alltel stores here, and bought two phones and a plan that allows us 10 my circle numbers, and unlimited text to each other. I'm not sure of all the details, because hubby did the shopping without me. I'll learn more about it and get my new phone tonight. He picked up the LG Scoop for both of us, slate for him turquoise for me. I kinda like the orange one more though, so I may send him back this evening for an exchange.

I hope it isn't too bulky, as I don't carry a purse...EVER. I am not one of those moms you see with a hand bag that looks like luggage with everything besides the kitchen sink in it. My phone goes in my right front jeans pocket, my keys in the left, my money and ID in my back right pocket. If I have any lipstick or other things I need to take with me, then my husband is responsible for carrying them. I don't take extra crap with me when I go out with friends, and I don't want to carry an extra bag just because it looks "hip."

My current phone is the MotorKrzr...it sucks. Don't buy that phone!!! I originally got it because it is fairly thin and sexy as hell. Too bad it's a piece of steaming poo. My first phone like this (when they first came out with it) went through major screen issues, and had a thing for turning off at the most inopportune times. We took it into the store, and they said it had gotten wet. I left it on the vanity while I took a shower...big whoop. My previous LG phone had survived taking a dip in a glass of iced tea...twice. I didn't do it in case you are wondering...my daughter was about 2 at the time, and had an obsession with putting things into glasses that were full of liquid. Anyways, since I had only had it a short while, they gave us half off on a phone exactly like it ("No thanks, I'll never actually NEED a warranty, why would I?" Doh!!) The new phone did exactly what the previous one had. They again told us that it was ruined by moisture, until we told them to look at the damn moisture indicator, and guess what...it was still WHITE! No moisture, just a crappy phone. They updated the software, and told us that would fix it. It got better for awhile, until the battery started acting weird. By weird I mean the phone says it is fully charged, then 5 minutes into a conversation it says the battery is low...whoops! It just shut off!! I have been putting up with this crappy thing for awhile now, so I am glad to be getting a new phone. I think this "MotoCrpr" may meet "Mr. hammer" when all is said and done.

I wasn't anticipating the cost of new phones, and it is really going to bite into our budget. It will be cheaper per month than our old contract with VW, but the phones were $200. We will have a mail-in-rebate, so we will be getting that $200 back...in the freakin' next year or so. I HATE mail-in-rebates because IF you get the money back, it takes (in my experience) 3-8 months!! Anyways, it will be nice to have the whole deal over with.

Just to stress me out more, my husband told me today that all the prices in the store are going up, and the up front cost of special order furniture is going from 25% to 50%. It will be a lot harder to sell to people because of it, plus people aren't buying as much because of the shitty ass economy. Maybe he'll be job hunting again soon :( Bleh...as long as the mortgage and utilities are paid, right? No more toy buying for me for awhile...seriously, that part really bugs me. The not shopping and the cutting back of eating out and such doesn't bother me at all, but no more new toys!!!!! Thank goodness for Eden's review program. I have some pretty cool toys now anyways, and they are satisfying enough. Maybe this is a good thing...perhaps I was getting a little addicted.

Speaking of toys...the new one came today. It is actually a lot cooler than I was expecting. It is a small clit vibe, super soft TPR material, fairly strong, and fairly quiet. Too bad it uses watch batteries, or else I would absolutely love it. It is about the length of my finger, but the shape reminds me of a swirl cone. The baby blue is adorable too...even though that puts me in mind of a baby teether. It is supposed to be water proof, so I'll have to use it in the tub to test it...dang ;)

More random crap here, I'm thinking about the phone again. My husband just sent me a text, shame on him as it is free for the Alltel contract, but for VW they will charge me 10 cents for every incoming and outgoing txt!! He has already cost us 20 cents by sending a stupid text that I had to reply to. "Loving my new phone?" Yes, that is what he sent me. Was it a question asking if I am loving his new phone...is he trying to make me jealous? Or perhaps it was supposed to be "Loving my new phone!" I am thinking that one, since that would make a hell of a lot more sense. Maybe he is just confused...I know I am.

I don't think I will like the blue phone. I don't particularly like blue for me. I think blue is pretty, but not on me, not even a phone. I have pale (ghostly white actually) skin and dark brown/black hair...blue doesn't look good on me. I think I will make him drive his ass back to the store and pick up the orange one. Well okay, I'll have him pick it up on his way home from work. It wouldn't be nice to make him make an extra trip for it.

Okay, there went 20 more cents! Gotta love being txt'd to death :(

Ohhh, netflix in the mail! 3 Star Trek Next Generations, Rurouni Kenshin, and Ah! My Goddess.

One last random thought...I swear ;) I wish Eden would send the cost of the toy along when they send out toys new to the site. That Elastomer cactus toy I reviewed recently...I was shocked that it was above $25, and it would have made a good difference in my opinion of it's over all value if I had known that BEFORE I wrote the review. At least I could have mentioned it. Thank goodness for follow up reviews and comments. I think it would just be helpful if a little sticky note on the product packaging listed either the price or the price range. I've seen sticky notes listing product material before, so why not price? If I reviewed a toy that I thought deserved a price of $30, but the actual price was $15, or course I'd want to mention that in the review. Same goes for thinking a toy is around the $25 mark then finding out later that it is actually $43 as was the case with the Bonsai Joy toy.

Okay, so I lied about no more random crap. And speaking of crap...we bought new curtains last night! Yep, they are brown curtains...hence the crap comment. Not sure they look so good with the red walls, but they will look awesome with the sage green walls...once I get my lazy ass around to painting the living room. We are broke right? New curtains don't make sense...well they do if your furnace is over 50 years old and you buy thermal curtains. We are going to be freezing this winter, and paying out the ass for it. Last winter our gas bill averaged from $160 to $200 each month, not to mention the $80 in electricity bills each month. The furnace needs to be replaced, but we can't afford it right now or else we would get it done before winter hits big time. Our estimated gas bill this winter should average around $230 each month, and that's according to the gas company so it will probably be closer to $250 or even $300 per month.

Anyways, the new curtains are making a big difference already. The living room is staying warmer during the night, and they look nice too. I almost can't tell they are Walmart curtains. I only got 2 panels and they were $20 per panel. Later on I'd like to get 2 more panels, because it really should be 4 wide so they look nicer when closed. I also got small thermal curtains for the bay window, although they are too long. Seriously...this means I will have to dig out the damn sewing machine and hem them up. I wouldn't bother, but they are over 10" too long. Weirdly enough the shortest thermal curtains they had there were 63" long, and I needed 52." At some point we'll need to seal the girl's bedroom windows with plastic from the outside.

The oldest girl doesn't have curtains in her room, because she recently ripped the rod down. I don't feel like putting something else up just for her to destroy it. I guess at least she can't bust it up into little pieces like she can with blinds. I don't know what to do with her some days :( A talk to the Dr. is in order though as her behavior is out of control. I took her bed away from her because she was chewing it to pieces. She leaned her mattress up against the window sill and was jumping into it so it would fling her back onto the floor. I took that away too, so she spent a night just her bedding. So much for punishment, she thought it was fun to "camp out" in her room. Right now her dresser is in her closet, and we put a flip lock on it up where she can't reach it. She was getting in there and ripping clean clothes off the hangars so she could play with them, not to mention chewing buttons off as well. She has nothing in her room besides her mattress and her bedding.

I don't get what the deal is with that little girl. She has gotten past the terrible twos, and has stopped with the whinny temper tantrums. Now it just seems to be all out destruction mode. It really embarrasses me that she acts this was. I keep telling myself that it's just a phase and it will pass. I'm dealing with it how I have read is best. I take away toys for being naughty (time outs don't affect her at all) and then I give one back if she has behaved better than normal for a whole day. I reward her good deeds with praise, and in special cases with a small treat (little suckers are her favorite). It is just frustrating me beyond belief. I am currently working on getting her to sleep more in case she is grumpy from lack of sleep. She goes to bed at 8 in the evening and gets up at 6 in the morning. She takes a 2 hour nap in the after noon as well. I am thinking about skipping the nap, and putting her to bed at 6 at night instead. Kids her age are supposed to get around 12 hours of sleep, so it is at least worth a shot to try some adjusting. I just pray she doesn't get worse.

Okay, I just caught her stacking up toys as high as she could then putting her mattress on it like a ramp. No mattress tonight either. I am so frustrated with her. Reason does nothing for dealing with her, punishment doesn't seem to do anything either, and I think the whole, reward the positive ignore the bad is a load of crap. I don't think the people who write this crap even have kids, or at least not ones that can think. I don't understand why she does some of this stuff, but at least I know she is creative and smart. Thank goodness the bathroom has a lock on the door...I think I would have gone crazy by now if I didn't have a minute escape from all the craziness. Why do I want another one? Maybe I should check myself into a mental home, lol Maybe I want another baby because the newborn stage is so nice. They are cuddly then, easy to take care of (granted your baby isn't colicky) and they are so quiet and adorable. I am going to go crazy when my oldest becomes a pre-teen. Ha, it's hard to put up with her attitude at age 3 1/2.

Finally, the Fleshlight review is done!

I finished the Fleshlight review, and it is up on EdenFantasys!!! One thing went terribly wrong with it though. It was late at night when I finished it, and after proof reading it about 5 times I asked hubby to read over it. Well he did, and found one typo. I submitted it in full confidence that it was near perfect...then I saw that huge typo glaring back at me...Instead of Shake 'N Bake, I put Shake 'N Back...talk about embarrassing. I was so pissed at myself and at my husband. Why did I even have him proof read it?! Maybe I wasn't the only one who was tired that night.

Anyways, it up on the site, typos and all. I so wish I could go back and edit it. It diggs and picks at me that I know that typo is there. It is just so annoying, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Because of it, I am dreading my next review. I need to review a nice little plug, but am putting it off. I've still got a day or two until it needs to be done anyways.

That's all...I'm not in a very writing mood right now. We're broke, I embarrassed myself, what's new? Ha ha, life goes on...

Knitting while I watch Ah! My Goddess?

I am one to favor two kinds of anime, the violent stuff, or the crudely funny stuff. And here I am, watching a romance comedy anime like Ah! My Goddess. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I have no clue. What is worse is that I've actually been enjoying it! I guess I have watched a little bit of Tenchi Muyo, but that was because of Ryoko because I liked her character. Ah! My Goddess is funny at times, and that's what has me watching it. I don't really go for the romance stuff, especially when it comes to anime or tv. I usually just get bored with them. Oh well, right? I might abandon waiting for my husband for watching Bleach. I am about a month behind as the show airs in Japan, and it is bugging the heck out of me. (I would suggest anyone wanting to watch the Japanese Bleach, download it from www.dattebayo.com as their subtitling is excellent and they get the new shows out within a day. You do need a bit torrent client however, and for that I would suggest utorrent. Some people see this as pirating, I however don't consider watching a tv show as pirating. To me it is the same thing as recording a tv show so you can watch it later.) He never has time to watch it though, and I'm not supposed to watch it without him. Maybe I'll follow his personal philosophy of act now, apologize later. I will continue to hold out, and hopefully the next season of the Sopranos comes in the mail from Netflix today.

I like to watch dvds of tv shows and anime while I crochet or knit. I am current working a baby blanket that is experienced level, so I have to pay attention to what I'm doing with it, but for easy patterns I can do it without even looking. The whole purl 1, knit 1, repeat, is pretty easy. The worst thing I've done while knitting and watching tv was to drop a stitch, but I've become pretty good at knitting repairs. That's what happens when you make a lot of mistakes :( My favorite show to watch while knitting or crocheting would have to be Star Trek: the Next Generation. I've seen most of the shows before at one point or another during my childhood. So the shows become more of a reminder or refresher than anything else.

The website is back up now, so I was able to get a link to the baby blanket I am making. I am making it in a different color though. I picked a really light pastel purple for the little girl. I want to make a powder blue one in case I have a baby boy someday. It is such a pretty baby blanket, I was thinking about making one for each of my girls, even though they are too old for baby blankets. I just thought maybe they could have them for their babies someday, if they choose to have children. If that doesn't happen, then they could always just have them for a token from their childhoods. The other project I'm working on is a knit shrug, and I think it is going to be beautiful. I am making it in the "Gothic" color which is a dark purple. The yarn is super soft and easy to work with. I don't have the shrug part done yet, but I've been focusing most of my craft time on the baby blanket. I had wanted to make it in the "Lagoon" color because the woman I am making it for wears a lot of blues and dark blues look really nice on her. I hope she's fine with purple though, as the Lagoon color was sold out in every store I checked. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought it was a beautiful color.

I have stopped taking the Alli pills now. The bottle ran out, and while I think they helped, they didn't help enough to be worth $60 each month. I am back onto using Slim Quick, which I have used in the past. I like it and it seems to help me to take a pill, even if I get a placebo effect from it. I bought one box of the "Cleanse" pills, and one box of the regular Slim Quick. I think after I am done with both boxes I will try the "Extreme" version, since I am doing the P90X workout program. I am hoping the extra energy and being more for hard core exercising would be beneficial to me. Maybe I'm just wasting my money on these diet pills, I don't know. I think I get the most benefit from the pills being a reminder that I need to work hard.

My husband has been trying really hard to derail my diet lately. I don't know why he does it, but he sabotages me when I start getting some real success. My size 10 jeans were starting to get loose on me, and after telling him about it, he has went on this fast food craze. Every night he wants pizza for supper, even if I tell him I can't have him tempting me like that. He hasn't exactly been being very good with the workouts either. He always complains about them and has gotten so bad with it that I've missed a couple days. I don't know what he's afraid of, but it is really pissing me off. If he doesn't want to do the workouts anymore, than at least he could get out of my way and let me do them alone.

I talked to him last night, and he said that he will try to not be so negative about the whole dieting and exercising, but who knows if he will actually be nicer or not. I had originally asked him to do the workouts with me so we could encourage each other, not so he could drag me down like he tends to do. I guess, that's what happens when you have the wicked witch of the west for a mother :P Okay, that wasn't nice, honest, but not nice.

I really need to write that review for the Fleshlight. I am not feeling creative at all, but I need to just buckle down and write it. I have a couple more toys I need to do reviews for as well...don't want to fall behind.

I'm attracted to fat, balding, midle aged men? Seriously?

I realized something strange as I was watching the Sopranos one evening. Tony Soprano is hot! Ever watch the show? Understand why I am a little confused? Is it his physical appearance, or the confidence and power shown through his demeanor? I have come to the conclusion that it is the latter. I am attracted to mafia style characters. The power, the confidence, yes maybe even the violence a little bit. I wouldn't want it in my real life, but the thought of my lover beating the crap out of someone to protect me has its allure. I am also attracted to Italian men, though I think a great majority of women are. The language is sexy and sensual, and there is just something sexy about dark hair and dark eyes. The Italian factor does take a back seat to the attitude though, as I've noticed I'm drawn to men who show the same confidence but lack the dark hair and eyes.

Another show that has confused me is CSI. It is obvious who is supposed to be sexy on there. The two younger men who are ripped and toned beyond belief, but who am I attracted to? Grissom of course. The man in charge, the man with the confidence and the knowledge and weird little hobbies.

Just look at who I married! While he doesn't have the dark hair and dark eyes that I pined for in my teenager days, he does have the fat and balding part down :D lol He thinks his big hard belly bothers me. He thinks I'll be disgusted by him if he becomes bald (thankfully I've stoped pointing out to him how rapidly his "thin patch" is losing it's trees). When I first met him he was fat, and had his hair cut so close he may as well have been bald. Just to clarify I think bald cuts only look good on certain men, it is the balding look that I like. The receding hair line and the thin patch on top. I can't say as I understand this attraction, but I can't deny it's there.

I met my hubby online through an online dating service. After we talked via email, messenger, and phone, for a few months we agreed to met in person. The round hard belly didn't bother me, and no matter how many times I told him that it didn't turn me off, he remained uneasy about me touching it. At least now he understands me a little better and doesn't grimace when I grab his pregnancy-esque tummy that is covered in red hair. There is the massive amount of freckles, the blue eyes, the red hair, the balding, the big belly, and the ugly feet. I know I am weird, but I don't like feet, I never have. He possesses so many features that I swore disgusted me when I was a teen, so how is it that he drives me wild? He is built a little bit like a bull. Thick neck, thick chest, wide shoulders, and an endurance that sometimes amazes me.

To make my husband perfect, I don't think I would change the way he looks. If I could change anything it would be his attitude. Not his personality, just his attitude and level of confidence. He doesn't carry himself with any sense of pride, and I wish he did. He is a smart man who works hard and I think he deserves to have more pride in himself and more confidence. I blame his mother for this, because I don't think he would be like this if she hadn't constantly told him he wasn't good enough when he was growing up. I won't talk about that though, as there is not enough time in the whole world to talk about "her."

Yes there are some things I wish were different about my husband, but over all I think he's a pretty neat guy. He puts up with me after all ;) I can be hard to live with sometimes, as my sense of humor is a little strange. I am the one with the chimney sweep song from Mary Poppins as my ring tone for when my hubby calls, ONLY because it bugs him. He was sorta annoyed at first, but now thinks it's funny. When anyone else calls me, its the Imperial March from Star Wars, lol I know, you wouldn't think the two would go together at all...and they don't :P

This is sort of another note, but I wanted to add that my hubby has gotten much sexier to me after he has started his new job (and I was insanely attracted to him before ;). He has went from wearing ratty jeans and tee's stained with plumbing glue and paint to wearing dress slacks, dress shirt, and a tie. Is that the whole "power" thing again? What ever it is, I like it. This has brought a fetish to light though. Hubby likes me to wear one of his ties while we have sex cowgirl style. I didn't think much of it the first time he asked. It is kinda hot, and I don't mind wearing a man's neck tie, but he has been asking for it a lot lately. lol He could have came up with something weirder though, so I am thankful. I must admit I do look pretty hot with a tie hanging between my busty boobs ;) At least he doesn't ask me to wear his pizza delivery boy hat, lol I would say no to that one.

COMPLETELY off subject here, but I printed out butt loads of free knit and crochet patterns yesterday (in fact we need more ink now). We are still kinda broke, so I am trying to think of cheapish presents that have some meaning to them for XMAS and birthdays this year. I can make gifts for around $15-$50 depending on how large the item is and what kind of yarn it calls for. There is a pattern for a knitted dress I'd like to make for myself, but figured up the cost of the "cashmere blend" yarn and it would be around $150. I could buy a dress cheaper than that, so I won't probably make it for quite a long while. I have picked out yarns though and had hubby pick some up last night on his way home from delivering pizza. I bought enough yarn to make a beautiful blanket for a friend's new baby girl, and yarn for a shrug for a friend for birthday in a couple months. After those are done I'll need to pick up yarn to make a little kitted vest for my nephew who will be turning 2 in a couple months. I don't like most home knitted or crocheted things because they look so cheap, but I've actually been able to find some very nice patterns online that were free. I am a stickler for wanting things to look professional and neat.

I was going to post a link to the baby blanket I will be starting on today, but Coats and Clark's website isn't loading. I'll add a link to it another day though. This pattern is "Experienced" level, so I should be working on it a few days. If I can't get a stupid link, I'll just take a picture of the finished product.

Some new dvds came from netflix today, 2 Sopranos, 2 Star Trek, the next generation, and Whisper of the Heart. I'd better get "busy" ;)