Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Nearly 5 months later...

Well here I am, still hanging in there. I can't say as everything has gone like I thought it would, or even like I had hoped against hope it would, but I am doing better than I was when I left. I kept no contact with my husband until the whole thing with the trial came up in February. I don't quite know what happened as I am still dumb founded and in disbelief. This is all random and nothing is making sense I know...I am still in a state of confusion myself. My husband got off with a differed sentence of one year, so as long as he does not get arrested or cross the law in anyway he will not have the PFMA (Partner/Family Member Assault) on his record after the year is up. I can't say as I was too pleased as this seemed like a light slap on the wrist and nothing more.

Weeks then a couple months went by and he started trying to contact me again. I did not know what to expect and I was trying to cut my ties with him, so was frightened by his continued interest in me. Some of his choices looked odd to me, and I was confused about his motives regarding those choices. He switched to a new church, went to Bible study weekly, got on a new medication for depression and for adult ADD, and went to the domestic abuse and anger management class before he was court ordered to do so, he also continued going to his counselor weekly. My first thought was that this was all a trick to suck me back into the abuse, so I largely dismissed his actions as a sort of con.

A few more weeks went by and I began to grow curious about the whole deal, so I met with his counselor. Mind you she was not able to tell me much because of it being confidential, but she was able to tell me a little bit about her perception of him, and honestly I was quite shocked by what she had to say. I never expected her to tell me that he was trying to change his behavior and was doing better than she thought he would. She told me that she believed he had hit rock bottom and finally realized exactly how bad his life had become.

I still had a lot of doubt about him and what he was doing, I seriously don't believe people can just do a 180 like that. My attempt to cut off all communication with him obviously had failed, and a dialog, though sparse, had begun. After some time went by I began going to his counseling sessions with him and agreed to attend his church with him once. I will admit that I have seen a change in his demeanor and attitude, towards me and others. I don't trust this change, and I take everything said or done with a grain of salt, but it is hard to ignore when someone suddenly starts putting your needs above their own and stops allowing their anger to control them. I wanted him to change for so long, but does it matter now or is it too late?

So far this unexpected change has been consistent and in just a few weeks he will graduate from his anger management class. Recently he began working out of a book called the Love Dare (base off of the movie Fire Proof), which is a Christian based book for learning how to lead your heart and choose to love your spouse. This has spurred some oddities that make me feel uneasy, but overall I have seen quite a bit of change in him while working out of this book (treating me with honor and respect being the biggest change). It seems like he has been sacrificing things that he used to hold as more important than me (smoking, video games, and computer time especially) that I never expected out of him. I don't know that last time he has even mentioned a video game, let alone actually playing one. He hasn't smelled of smoke in weeks and I've noticed his teeth are whiter and he doesn't seem to weak and out of breath anymore (the coughing is gone as well). He received money from family for his birthday, and he spent it on the last thing I would have ever expected...diapers for his child.

Is it all for looks and a big fat trick, or are these changed real? I am still not sure, but I find myself lowering my guard a tiny bit every week. We remain separated and I do not feel he has proven himself trust worthy given the short time frame in which we have even been talking. I will continue to take care of my children and myself, if he wishes to contribute fine, if not it that's also fine. I do not feel like I need him, and have a good deal of pride in that.

I moved back into our house and am doing upkeep as best I can. I can't say that I am meeting the bills with perfection, but at least I am trying. I would return to reviewing products for Eden Fantasys, but honestly can't afford internet at this point. Writing this in advance and posting it at a public internet source is the best I can do, and opportunity for just that is difficult to find.

My little family is doing quite well actually. My children have been thriving for one, and seem to be growing so fast. My youngest learned to potty train in just a couple days. The oldest girl struggled with this for so long, and after being dry during the day it took months before she could go all night. The youngest however, learned to stay dry in just a couple days and within a week was going dry all day and all night. I can't express how awesome it is to no longer have the expense of diapers.

I am still under a huge deal of stress with the financial situation I am in, but the depression has all but melted away. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts and am generally in an optimistic and happy mood. Every now and then I do feel down and blue, but it is short lived and not nearly so severe as it used to be. I am enjoying the warmness of the season and the yard work that is involved. Things are slowly improving for me, and I thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.

I will try to update sooner next time, just have been so busy. Later!