Thursday, December 18, 2008

I should be in bed...sleeping.

I seriously need to stop staying up so late. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer screen, and it is after 12:30 am. Why do I do this?! I am addicted to sex toys, I know that much. Most of my time online is spent drooling over countless toys that I can't afford. I could be in bed playing with myself, spraying my sheets with ejaculate...but no, I am sitting here.

Besides drooling over toys, I frustrate myself playing a web browser game called Ikariam. It is not a hard game, not hard at all. What frustrates me about it is how freaking long it takes to do anything. I am currently working on building up my governor palaces in order to create a new colony. I have spent over a week shipping resources to a town, then some ass tries to pillage said town. All that time wasted. Granted I am no push over in this game, and my score is 3 times what his is. He mysteriously has his upgrades maxed out and has a butt load of really good troops and ships...thing about this that is so weird is that he only has two towns; a marble and a wine. I know that he needs sulfur to build troops and ships, and I know he needs tons and tons of crystal glass to upgrade those troops and ships. He doesn't have the gold to be buying this stuff and his score is low. How did he get so much stuff without building up his towns and expanding like everyone else has to do? Is he one of the people who use real life money to buy virtual crap? If so, "ha ha ha on you sucker!" Okay, that wasn't nice. Seriously though, I can't think of any other way he has so much stuff.

What do I do about this small annoyance? Why, I build up my army and wipe his ass until he bleeds. MWA HA HA HA! I have forced people off of the server before; might as well do it again (why isn't there an evil grin smiley?). I upped my sulfur production to the max and am building troop and ships as fast as I can in all 5 of my towns (remember he only has 2 ;). Why is it so satisfying to crush people in virtual scenarios?

Back to toys again. I created my gift registry for EdenFantasys a couple days back. I have to admit, my registry is filled with awesome awesome toys. :D I am so Randy for the Randy by Vixen. I can't even express how badly I want to get my lusty little hands on that blue cock. So yummy looking. I love the colors of it, black and blue (there's a joke there somewhere, I can feel it ;) it is VixSkin!!! It has a suction cup base!!! and it is thick...think 2 1/4 inches thick...*drools uncontrollably* so delicious looking :) No surprise the thing is sold out...fuck, if I had the money I would have bought it as soon as it went live on the site.

Of course I added the Liberator Throe to my gift registry as well. Now that squirting is a common thing during my masturbation sessions, I really really (REALLY) need some way to protect my sheets. I used to have normal messy sex. I am pretty well lubed naturally, and tend to drip a little when greatly aroused. In addition to my own juices, I enjoy some added lube also. Sometimes I like something warming, silky, slick, or tasty. When my husband was involved he of course added his pre-cum and his squirt-cum into the mix. I used to think my sex was wet and messy. Ha! What a laugh. A towel folded in half used to take care of the mess back then; no longer is this the case. Now that I spray buckets of cum, towels just don't cut it anymore. Three towels folded in half do nothing but provide a bit of elevation so that I am better angled to spray cum over a wider area; thus defeating the whole purpose of having the towels there in the first place.

My gift registry contains many wonderful things. Most of them are quite expensive, but I also have some cheaper items as well. The warming and cooling lubes/gels for one, and the Night light condoms, as well as some nipple clamps. So many fun and exciting things. I could go on for hours just talking about them...until my wrists cramp up on me that is.

I've been talking to my husband more than I should lately (once is too much when it goes against a court order). I did a post recently about foreskin restoration. I had shared this info with my husband and he expressed interest in it. Last night I asked him if he had thought about trying it out, and he told me that he has been taping. Granted he isn't doing it every day, I was still pretty excited to learn that he is doing it at all. I hope he sticks with it and gains some foreskin even if he never reaches full coverage. I don't know why I am so excited over this when I don't even know if we will be getting a divorce or not.

Speaking of my husband, I have been craving cock like mad lately. I usually get super horny around egg poppin' time, but I just kicked Aunt Flo to the curb and I'm already craving his cock! What is the deal? I'm usually sort of horny (that's a lie, I am almost always extremely horny) but usually a toy is satisfying enough. I have been lusting after the feel of his flesh even after 4 delicious orgasms. It is driving me insane. I've started having erotic fucking dreams about him again. I wake up feeling exhausted (and oddly enough, still insanely horny) after 7 hours of sex dreams. Good thing we are separated, or else he would be sore and raw by now. My hormones may be a little wack right now...I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cock skin...gone for good?

What exactly does all that extra cock skin do? Every guy in the world is circumcised, right? WRONG! And for good reason. The foreskin isn't there just to look fact, it is there for several reasons; the main one being protection. The foreskin helps to protect the glans (otherwise known as the "head") from cold, and rubbing. The foreskin also serves purpose during sexual activities. The skin slipping over the glans is reportedly amazing feeling, not to mention the wrinkles feel lovely to the vagina as well.

One thing I have to admit...I've never fucked a guy with a natural cock...never even been able to hold one in my hand, or gaze upon one that wasn't on my computer screen.

I had thought my husband's penis was gorgeous looking...little did I know it was actually disfigured by his infant circumcision. Now aesthetic damage is pretty common in snipped just isn't acknowledged by the medical community...after all, it doesn't show up until adulthood is reached and the penis has grown substantially. Some of the most common problems are scarring, skin tags, bridges, varicose veins, dry and rough glans, tight circumcisions, and hairy penis.

My husband is cursed with a huge varicose vein located on the top part of his shaft near the base, tight circumcision, a wrinkled lump of scar tissue in addition to the scar band around his shaft, a few hairs half way up his shaft (he plucks them, believe it or not), and a dry and very sore glans.

I thought most of these things were normal, because lets face it, cut cocks have scars, and the skin is usually pretty tight, and aren't really large penile veins to be lusted after? How did I learn these aren't normal then? I was doing general research on circumcisions mostly for the fun of it. I was curious what main arguments are against circumcision (I had previously only been aware the foreskin makes sex feel better for the man) and I happened to stumble upon some information about foreskin restoration.

How could it be possible to undo a circumcision? Well, its quite simple really; you "stretch" the skin. This is not difficult to do and is painless. You gently pull the skin of a flaccid penis forward until it covers the tip, then you tape it in place. As the penis relaxes it puts some strain on the skin, and as the skin is gently pulled the body naturally compensates and grows new skin. Just think about the stretching that takes place when ear plugs are used, or when you get pregnant (though that is much more extreme than this). Now don't be rushing out and buying cases of duct tape, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I won't list all the specifics of it, but instead provide a link to a place that provides more information at the end of this post.

The process takes a long time, 1.5-3 years from what I've read. Men do notice a great difference just after a couple months however, and after sufficient time are able to fully regrow their foreskin to the point it looks nearly identical to a natural penis. Of course the severed nerves can't be regrown, but getting some of it back is better than not having any of the protective skin.

I've wondered to myself, does fate have a little something to do with why I had two girls? Even just a year ago, if I would have had a boy, we would have gotten him circumcised...I would NEVER even consider having that done now...I know better.

I've discussed this with my husband. I've spent several hours over the phone telling him everything I know about this subject. I know regrowing his foreskin would be very beneficial to him. Oral sex and hand jobs are painful for him if not done carefully. His glans is so rough and sore that I would have to be very careful to not let my lips pass over it too often. Manual stimulation was even worse because hands aren't as soft as lips are. He sounded very interested in restoring his foreskin, though worried I would think it was ugly. I used to think natural cocks looked weird, but now I see them as healthy and sexy. Cut cocks just make me think of mutilation. My husband seems whole-heatedly to believe he will change his ways and heal the abuse. Admittedly, I can see that he is trying, but I'm not getting my hopes up over this as I've read the statistics. No matter how all that crap works out, I would like to see him repair his penis.

Now for the links I promised :)

Video #1 shows video and pictures of restored penises, plus some good info.
Video #2 shows a baby being circumcised, and was difficult for me to watch because of it, but I"m glad I did. Also includes some good arguments and info. and both have some really great info and links to other sites.

Here is a direct link to a site that has pictures of botched circumcisions...some of these pictures are disturbing and difficult to look've been warned.

Here is one man's photos during his restoration process.

Isn't it wonderful that men are able to restore some of what was stolen away from them as infants? I think it is, and I wish every man knew he had this option.

Any thoughts about the common complications of circumcision or the restoring of foreskin? I welcome any and all comments on the subject, so start typing!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Random Updates

Well, no particular direction with this there ever? Nah, I think not. Most of the time I ramble, sometimes I try to stick to a certain topic, but it always end up being a bunch of random crap strewn throughout that topic. I know, I have a "gift" for rambling...ain't I lucky ;)

First random update, 2 REVIEWS DONE!!! Yay!! My free assignment review for the Passion Bullets Dual is up. I submitted it this morning and it went up before noon...very fast Edan, very fast. I also submitted my review for a Description Program toy last night. It is a traditional vibrator by Evolved. Though not up yet, I'll link to it's page anyways. The Rhapsody. Hopefully it is up soon. Description toys take longer to post than free assignment toys in my experience. Random thought here...I am not getting as many toys from the program as I was. I think this may be due to having a couple toys late because of the whole mess in my personal life (yeah, the abuse and crap with my husband). At the very beginning I got a box of 5 toys. I was receiving two toys out at a time (kinda reminded me of Netflix actually, lol) with the new toys being sent out as soon as my reviews posted to the site. Now I am getting one toy at a time, and it is taking longer to be assigned a new one. I can't say as it bothers me, getting the toys less often that is. I have enough freaking toys as it is! I love getting new ones, but I honestly need some new storage solutions.

Second random update, I'm on twitter now! Yay! Not much to say about it really. I just got my account set up today and got a few people to follow. I will go and ad more later, or at least I'm planning on it.

Third random update, I've been knitting a lot lately. I am working on a stole in this hideous yellow color that is the exact color of breastfed newborn babies' poop...not joking at all. It was something my husband picked out for me to knit a shrug with, and um...I couldn't force myself to use it. I am almost done with the lacy stole (think wide long scarf) and perhaps I'll post a picture of it once it's done. I think it is easier to handle the yellow (oddly called "gold," never seen shit colored gold before...) in a stole than it would be in a shrug or sweater. I'm also working on a knit vest for my 2 year old nephew. It is turning out really well, though it is looking a bit wide-ish.

This brings me to another random thought...why are baby and toddler clothes all made for children who are as wide as they are tall? Looking at children's sizes though, they are built for little twig children. Am I missing something here, or do children go from being little cute blobs to skinny stick like people when they turn 5-6? I have ALWAYS had to put tucks in my children's clothes, so do most women I know (except one, and her little guy happens to be one of the chunkiest kids I've ever seen). My eldest has one child's XS shirt, and it is MUCH skinnier than her 4T size shirts...seriously...WTF?

Random update number 4, I've been on YouTube a lot lately. I know, I lame is that. I have always been one to actually be on the verge of hatred when it came to youtube. The majority of people who comment on the videos are obviously a bunch of trolls and juvenile delinquents (or at least they like acting like it). The past few weeks I have found a couple channels that I actually do like and enjoy.

I've enjoyed some of the videos by SMP Films, particularly the Mean Kitty ones. Sparta has his own channel here is a link. I like kitties, and my orange kitty is a bitter just like Sparta. Some cute videos on there. Sparta chases video game characters on the TV, my kitty does that too. Funny thing is, he also chases people's hands on TV. He likes Barack Obama the best, I think it's because he makes lots of hand gestures when he talks. It is funny and cute to watch my crazy cat go bonkers over Obama's hands :)

My favorite channel on youtube has to be the JeepersMedia channel. That guy owns waaaaaaay too many toys (NOT sex toys, but actual children's toys, although some are tarted towards teens and adults). Some of his reviews are hilarious...seriously, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did over the Batman and the Tarzan toys as well as the spongebob thermometer (I love the song he made up for it, too funny). Watch them, you won't regret it.

Random update number 5, my husband is still bugging me. Why? Who knows honestly. He did get another job yesterday though, and today is his first day. Hopefully he can hang onto this one. Last job he only had for two weeks. The boss hired a friend so needed to fire someone, and he chose the new guy of course. I don't know, the whole deal is annoying at best. His hearing is on the 15th, with his actual trial date set for Feb 4th. I don't know what exactly I want to happen, but I have refused to go beg the prosecutor to go easy on him. So what if he gets a Misdemeanor? I think all people who commit PFMA's (Partner/Family Member Assault) should be Felons, hell, that's what it is for beating animals. Hurting animals is horrid, but why is it considered worse than beating people? Anyways, I am tired of living like this. Perhaps it will change someday...wonder if it'll be for better or for worse?

Wow, is that really all the randomness I have? No, I suppose not. I do want to review my bottle of Fizz lube at some point today. I still have a few toys to review. I need to look into getting something for storage. I can barely zip my FYN Adult Toy Chest (kinda pissed that I paid $95 for it and now it sells for $60 at Eden, what gives with the huge price drop anyways, and couldn't it have happened before I bought mine :( ), and I have three small boxes in my closet filled with toys, plus the Hitachi and four dildos (and 5+ bottles of lube) that sit on my nightstand. I really need to find something better.

Enough randomness for now. Naruto is distracting me anyways. I really should stop telling people that I like that lame

Monday, December 8, 2008

My first time

I've heard of it, who hasn't? Browsing all those online "free" porn sites (all billions of them), I came across extreme examples. It was obvious it wasn't real, just as obvious as the 12 inch long cocks that have an obvious Penis-to-extension line. My curiosity was peaked however, and I asked myself "is it possible?" A few years later I happened upon the sex toy store EdenFantasys, and there was a forum post talking about it. Yes, I'm talking about female ejaculation.

I must admit I felt a little angry when I found out it was possible for female anatomy to ejaculate, but I never had. I tried for quite awhile after learning about it, and honestly just frustrated myself so much I would get angry thinking about masturbating. It had become a goal for me. I had orgasmed from dry humping, nipple play (a couple times, though I can't do it whenever I want), from hand jobs, oral sex, intercourse (both vaginal stimulation and specific G-spot), and anal sex. So why had I never "squirted?" I am not the type of person who is comforted by statements such as "few women are able to ejaculate" in fact I see it as a challenge.

I tried most desperately to squirt for a few months. I struggled with the relaxation part of it. I tried stimulating my G-spot by myself until both arms were stiff with pain, and I had my husband stimulate me until both his arms were stiff with pain. I went to great lengths to relax and stimulate myself into areas of pure bliss. Well, it didn't happen. I had a lot of really amazing orgasms and several hours of truly great sex, both partner and solo, but I never ejaculated. I finally just decided that I wasn't able to squirt. I threw in the towel and stopped the quest.

Some time has passed, my life has changed. My husband lives at the local homeless shelter, is jobless, and ordered by the court to have no contact with me. That whole mess is complicated, and I've posted about it before so I won't go into any details. The point is that I am not having regular sex. We have cheated and bent the rules resulting in a small handful of sexual encounters, but my sex is nearly all solo. During this time away from him, I have been able to finally relax and enjoy myself. There is no pressure to please someone else, and there is no pressure for me to perform any specific way. I can do what I want, when I want, in a way that feels best for me.

3:02am December 5th, it happened. I had went to bed around midnight. I had planned on just a really quick masturbation for a sexual release. I had received two new toys for review from Eden that day, so I set about the initial testing. I was quite pleased with both toys, and used the traditional vibe and the dual bullets in conjunction with each other for a very good orgasm. I'll admit, something didn't feel quite right. The orgasm had been very strong, but I was left with that nagging "not complete" enough feeling that I often get after sex. I grabbed my Lone Star dildo and spent the next 90 minutes enjoying the deep and relaxing sensual stimulation. I no longer cared about going over the edge, or even IF I orgasmed a second could I worry about the peak of the mountain when the climb was so damn good?

I had lost all concept of time, in fact I was no longer aware of how late at night it was. I finished a second time, and while it felt amazing, the nagging was still there. I cleaned the toys with my spray on toy cleaner, and lay back in bed. I shut my eyes and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. The nagging was simply too strong.

My glass toy was within arms' reach, and I grabbed it. I plugged in my Hitachi Magic Wand, and flipped the switch onto "high." I winched a bit as I lowered the loud beast onto my sensitive bits, then I relaxed and let it take me into bliss. I felt like I was on the edge of orgasm, but it didn't come, and I didn't try to fight it or push it. I was incredibly wet still, and the smooth glass slid inside so effortlessly. I finally understood what it felt like to relax during sex, to truly relax and only feel...thought had no place in that moment.

I moved the glass dildo only slightly, in very small short thrusts that were more akin to a wiggle than actual stroking. The familiar sensation of needing to urinate was there, it always is when I make my g-spot happy. The sensation became rather intense, then it changed. I wouldn't say it faded, but more that it turned into a different sensation. It seemed that for the first time in my sexual life, I was aware of my urethra tube. I felt a pressure build within my g-spot and then the release. My body wanted to fight it, but I didn't allow myself to deny it, instead I opened up through relaxation.

There was no squirting that shot 6 feet across the room, in fact there was no squirting at all. I could feel the liquid running the entire length then come out. It was like a dam had been opened and all the hot fluid just flowed out. It was hot on my skin, and it seemed like it just kept coming and coming. Once it did finally stop, I could feel the muscle contractions surrounding my urethra and my g-spot area. It was strong, and it was deep. The nagging was gone, I was free.

I was still in a little state of shock, wondering if it really had happened. I sat up in bed and looked between my legs. There was a gigantic puddle underneath me. The wet spot was nearly 2 feet long and a foot wide. I couldn't help myself, I had to smell it, I had to know if it was truly cum or if it was pee. There was only a very faint scent, but it didn't smell like much...perhaps a little sweet smelling. It was very slick and actually felt a lot like lubricant. I tasted a tiny bit off my finger and it tasted like weak sugar water.

I was in a state of peace and ready for sleep. I folded a towel in half and lay it over the wet spot as I was too tired to change the sheets at 3:02 in the morning. I cleaned my two toys and put them away, then I crawled into bed. When I lay down, the cum soaked through the doubled over towel. A little annoyed, I took the soaked towel to the laundry room and put a new towel over the wet spot. I soaked the second towel thoroughly as well, and got a third towel to place over the wet spot during the night. I wish I had ejaculated into a measuring cup, just to see how much it actually was. I'm guessing it was a lot because it was my first time.

I wondered if this would be a one time only experience, but I have squirted a second time. This last time it was a little different. For one thing it took me about 30 minutes to get there, and I wasn't really worrying over it or even trying to. This time it did actually squirt though. When my husband comes the semen squirts out with quite a bit of force, and it does it in conjunction with the muscles contractions. My ex before him tended to dribble more than shoot. I heard both are normal, and so I had decided perhaps I was a dribbler after the first time, and now I'm wondering if I'm a did shoot about 1.5 feet before landing on the bed. The second time I had a towel under me to catch the cum, but it wasn't enough.

I've decided perhaps a special sex blanket may be in order after all. I honestly thought the Liberator Throes were pretty, but completely unnecessary. Now I've decided that they actually may be worth investing in. I really don't like changing the sheets every time I masturbate. I do doubt I will squirt every single time I masturbate, but the second time was very easy to reach what I had found impossible before. It seemed like I was able to relax and release it at will once I was aroused and close enough to orgasm. The more I do it, the more likely it is that it will become easier to do.

There is some pride in saying "I am a gusher."

The toy I used both times to achieve ejaculation is the G-spot wonder.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Toys at Eden

Things I've been drooling over at EdenFantasys.

I really want this sexy duo in time for XMAS (even though I'll be going solo this year)

What I desire the most

I really need to get my hands on the Pure wand. I have been wanting this toy for so long, and after seeing my husband's Celtic I have been dying to get my own steel toy. Ah well, we can't always have everything we want.

I went to request a buyout assignment, and got the message that I can't request an assignment while I still have one waiting to be reviewed. Not sure what the deal is there, but I was a little bummed out about it...obviously though, other people are able to get buyout assignments while they have a free assignment out...just not me. Bleh. I'll wait a day or two then try again in case it is just a weird glitch. What I have coming for free review (just shipped, YAY!) is the Passion bullets dual. What I was wanting to get via buyout assignment is the Lockable sex toy case in black. Oh well. I have enough commission to get it too.

Speaking of commission, I posted my partner code 9v3 on a couple websites. I am not really expecting anything to come out of it, but I gotta say any little bit really helps. I don't have extra money to buy toys right now, so the only way for me to do so is when I get commission (IF I get commission that is).

As a final update, I did two reviews late last night (think 1:00 am). I reviewed the Sliquid sizzle like planned, but also wrote up a quick review of the Liquid silk as well. I really like the Sliquid Sizzle, but I am totally in love with the Liquid Silk. I should review Sliquid Silk which is Sliquid's hybrid soon too, since it in nearly identical in feel to the Liquid Silk. I still have so many toys to review... Perhaps I'll get to another one tonight.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The odd one out, and proud of it.

I was a little absent during November. Sadly enough I was in a really dark slump. I do think that friggin pastor had something to do with it. My husband (weirdly enough) told him he was just making me feel the phone calls from the minister have ceased. I am ecstatic over it...or I would be if I got ecstatic anymore.

So here I am posting twice in the same day. I am a little lonely (NOT, I am so lonely I feel like I am going to go crazy here...) and I've had some things on my mind lately.

First off, I've noticed that my experiences in all things sexual are contradictory of what everyone else says is the norm. Am I abnormal then? Ha ha ha, me, a little weird? Never ;)

How am I different? Well, something I hear and read about often is that a woman's sex drives fall through the floor while pregnant...mine went through the roof...both pregnancies. I dealt with being sick the entire time with the 6-7 months being the best. During all the time I spent pregnant, all I wanted was sex. My husband was having to hide from me I was making his cock raw with over use. I could never get enough sex during that time. After the baby came, surely I wouldn't feel like having sex then. was still on my mind constantly. Having had a cesarean I wasn't allowed to have sex for 2 months after the baby was born. During that time, I was so horny I was having wet dreams. It is rare for women to actually have wet dreams...dreams that are so erotic and sexual that they result in an orgasm. The postpartum period was the only time in my life I have experienced this, and frankly it sucked. The orgasms were very intense, and it hurt like hell in my post-surgery body.

Anal sex...yes I am one of those women who love anal sex. I always heard how dirty it was, and how taboo and sinful. My boyfriend in high school convinced me to engage in anal sex with him (after telling me my cunt was too lose for him and if I loved him I'd allow him to ram my ass instead). This boyfriend was abusive to me emotionally verbally and sexually. I left him when he started kicking in doors and punching the wall next to my head... Anyways, anal sex with him was NOT enjoyable in the lest...not even a tiny bit. He was usually pretty good about slowing down if it hurt too badly (which it always did because he wasn't using lube and there was ZERO warm up time). However one time I asked him to stop and he refused. He held me down and raped me while I cried and begged him to stop. I can't even describe how badly it hurt, or how worthless I felt because of it. I was so ashamed I didn't even tell my therapist at the time. The first person and only person I told about it was my husband, that is until I started getting into reviewing sex toys and doing this whole blog thing (hasn't been very long actually).

Anal sex took awhile. It always carried so much shame and guilt for me. I still had it stuck in my mind that my vagina was loose and I was always paranoid that my husband was lying when he told me I felt great. After I told him about the rape and the things my ex had told me, he understood why I had such a poor image of my genitals. He started complimenting me about it more (obviously this was before he turned abusive). I refused to even let him give me oral sex until we'd been together for about 6 months. When it did finally happen, I was surprised at how good it felt. My ex before him thought oral sex on a woman meant using the tongue like a penis...I'm not sure he even noticed my clit. I was quite shocked by how good my husband actually was at it, and the comments he would make during made me feel great. He would stop once in awhile to kiss my legs and tell me how great I smelled and tasted.

After I confided in him about my abuse and rape, he began being more vocal during intercourse as well. He began telling me how amazing I felt, that I was very tight down there. I slowly began to believe that he really did love the feel of my body. From all the sex I actually got pretty strong in my PC muscles. It got to the point where I was able to actually push his cock out. I felt very affirmed when I would squeeze on him during sex and he would have to actually strain to thrust because I gripped him so tightly.

As my confidence grew, and we became closer and more intimate with each other, I still had this nagging in the back of my mind. I had allowed my previous "lover" to penetrate me anally, but the man I loved so deeply had not been given that chance. I'll admit, he never even asked me about it. I brought it up. I asked him if he wanted to attempt it. His response was that he was completely satisfied with vaginal sex, but if I really wanted to, he would like to try it just once.

I didn't really do any research into the subject, but I knew that lube and a condom was needed (common sense really). I also knew from being subjected to using the "magic bullet" that bearing down is helpful. A side note about suppositories...I find it hilarious that there is a mini blender that bears the slang name of a pill for your butt :D With that aside now... I will admit, that for only relying on my own common sense and horrible experience from my past, we went about it correctly.

That first run didn't go like my previous experiences had. It was still fairly uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. I know now that the discomfort was because I was not used to having things go up my butt (let alone a full-fledged cock) and I was nervous and thus still a little tense. My husband did some complaining about the intense pressure on his cock, but otherwise seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't sure what to think honestly. I was so worried what his opinion would be that I didn't even try to enjoy it. I wasn't left sore though, so while it wasn't a complete success it wasn't a failure either. I will never forget what my husband said to me afterwards. "It was very tight, and I really liked it...but I would never chose it over your vagina." I felt very relieved, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about him demanding anal sex from me the way my ex had done.

It was about a year and a half later when we did it again. I wasn't sure why, but I was beginning to see anal sex as incredibly erotic. While we were having intercourse there would always be a thrill if he brushed up against my anus. I wasn't sure why, but I began craving his dick in my ass. I never confessed this to him, but there were a couple times I positioned myself so that his dick (covered with a condom) would poke farther south than he was aiming for. It was a thrill and I would get incredibly turned on by it, though I know he was annoyed with having to put on a clean condom... I didn't want to tell him I wanted to try anal sex again. I was afraid he would think I was dirty for wanting such a thing since we had previously agreed it was something neither of us desired or would seek out.

When I did finally ask him if we could try it one more time, he was a little reluctant, but he agreed. He was very good about warming me up. There was lots of oral sex and some fingering, we had intercourse for a little while until I started feeling that hunger in my ass. He slipped a condom on and we lubed up his penis and my ass. It was pretty tight going in, as I wasn't used to the penetration. The discomfort didn't last very long. Once he got in deeper and started doing very shallow and deep strokes, I felt something I hadn't expected. I felt a very intense sense of pleasure in my anus and up in my rectum where the head of his penis was stroking. It didn't take long until I was in the throws of a very intense orgasm. I wasn't using anything on my clit or in my vagina, not even my hands.

My husband was very shocked as was apparent when he asked "are you really finishing?" I was just as surprised as he was. I never expected it to feel THAT good. My husband never liked anal sex as much as vaginal sex, but there was no denying that he loved giving me those super powerful orgasms. I have been hooked since that time, and have gotten so used to anal sex that my body opens up freely now. All I have to do for warm up on anal sex is put some lube there and my ass sucks the cock right in. Double penetration is a mind blowing experience for me, but that is a whole different post ;)

So, I had always heard that women can not orgasm from anal sex. Men enjoy very powerful orgasms because of prostate stimulation. Where women are concerned however, there is nothing there to stimulate and the G-spot is not easily access through the rectum and vaginal walls. My most powerful orgasms come from anal sex however. I do not need my clit or vagina even touched. I do not feel it in my G-spot either. Different muscles contract with an anal orgasm, and it is deeper and more satisfying for me than clit orgasms or even G-spot orgasms.

Another thing that is different with me, women don't like to swallow cum. Yes, I know, this probably is a little weird, but I can't imagine not swallowing. I don't usually use flavored lubes because I love the way my husbands penis tastes and I don't find the taste of his cum offensive in the least either. He almost never asked for oral sex, but I loved doing it for him. He didn't care much, but I could take him in until my lips pressed his pubic bone. It really hurt me when after the abuse got pretty bad that he would no longer allow me to give him oral sex.

I've heard that the glans (head of the penis) is not as sensitive in circumcised men as it is on men who are not cut. I read tips on giving the perfect hand job, but received pretty bad results when I tried them out on my husband. Turns out his glans is extremely sensitive on his cut cock. Advice for great hand jobs almost always tell you to focus on the glans, but doing this actually hurt him. During blow jobs I had to be careful to not slide my lips over the head too often and during hand jobs it was best to avoid the head altogether. I thought maybe it was because the lube wasn't slick enough and he was receiving too much friction. Super slick lube did help to not tug the skin on his shaft as much, but it didn't help with the sensitivity on his glans. I had to disregard all advice I had gotten and learn how to please him with minimal contact to the head of his me, this is trickier than it sounds.

Okay, this post turned out longer than I was planning. That tends to happen often I'm afraid...oh well :)

Perhaps I'll churn out a review before bed...I think it's about time I review one of the products I bought a few months ago. Sliquid Sizzle perhaps? Yes, I think I just might...

Christmas gloom

I've been thinking about could I not with black Friday coming and going by in a flurry? I did not go shopping until after 4:00 pm Friday, and that was only because my in-laws insisted on getting presents for my girls. I would have just stayed home and avoided all the craziness if I could have.

I used to love Christmas time as a child. It was a time of joy and laughter, family and friends, and presents and sweets. Now I dread the holiday. I think of all the stress of finding a gift for each family member and close friend and hoping they like it. There is the expense too, and that is what is killing me this year.

Year before last I made a knit poncho for several of my female family members. A blue one for my mother, a gray one for my sister, and a burgundy one for my niece. Now the yarn I used was not cheap, and each poncho put me out around $45 in yarn alone. I spent about a week working on each one (I put in at least 5 hours every day during nap times, after bedtime, and when ever the TV was on). The ponchos turned out beautifully, and I had plans on buying yarn to make one for myself but it never happened. I had some left over yarn from making these three ponchos that just sat in with all my other scrap yarns. I decided to get it out and make a poncho for myself out of these left over bits. My niece came over to visit while I was working on it, and she commented what nice yarn it was. Then the words came out of her mouth..."you should make a poncho like this for me." I actually bit my lip to keep from screaming at her. I was way beyond irritated and standing on the fence of rage. I had spent quite a few hours of my time and more money than I usually spend on extended family, to make that burgundy poncho for her...guess she didn't like it though...since she forgot about it completely.

So besides the stress of trying to find the perfect gift, I always have that scenario of her forgetting what I gave her even after seeing something nearly identical. It is just one more thing to nag at me during the December holidays.

Best present I ever gave was to my husband. I have given nicer gifts, but I was able to give him something he wanted without him figuring it out until he opened it. I had bought Gears of War for him and wrapped it up inside of a shirt I also bought for him. I left the shirt out where I knew he would bump into it, then after he saw it I took it and hid it. When he asked if I bought him a shirt for Christmas, I said yes (I had after all...even if I didn't tell him it wasn't his real gift). He was visibly disappointed from learning I had got him a shirt. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when he unfolded the shirt and the game fell out. The hardest part was trying to come up with reasons why we shouldn't buy the game before Christmas. He was constantly showing me articles in magazines and new screen shots online. Ha ha, it was worth it though. Every other time I didn't even try to hide what I had gotten for him, so he was really caught off guard.

I must admit, the thought of Christmas this year is much more depressing than it has been in years past. I still hate the stress of shopping in large crowds (I swear every person in the state goes to the same damn stores I do when I do) and there is absolutely no money for gifts this year either. Those aren't the things that are bugging me though. This year will be different because my husband and the father of my children won't be here. Our family is fractured, and it is glaringly obvious during holidays.

I'm not sure I'll even drag out our tree and put up. I know the girls would like it, but I really don't want this stupid 7 foot looming tree of gloom in my living room. I know it would only remind me of how bad things are for us right now.

I hate watching TV because of all the couples that are shown. I hate being in public and seeing two people hold each other. I lay in bed at night and fume with anger. He stole so many things from me, and I hate him for it. I was happy and my life was everything that I had ever wanted. Sure, we were broke most of the time, but that never mattered to me. I had a man I loved and who loved me, and we were starting a family together. Our daughter was born 2 weeks before Christmas, and even though I still hurt incredibly bad from the cesarean, it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. Why did he take that away from me? Why was our love cast aside like trash? The most important things in my life was my marriage and my family...he has torn those away from me. Through abuse, he severed my family and ripped my marriage into shreds. He never had the right to destroy my dreams and my happiness.

So what I'm thinking about this year are all the things I don't have. No more evenings sitting on the couch sipping hot cocoa and talking, no cuddling together in the cold of Montana winters, no lazy winter days as lovers. All of that is gone. Now I sit on the couch alone, wrapped in my afghan being reminded of all the times it held both of us. I wake up at night cold and shivering, and there is no warm body there to help me stay warm, instead I have to get another blanket or just shiver.

When I am sitting, wrapped in my afghan, I am mad. I cry hot tears of burning anger. I am so angry at him...he stole what I cherished most in this world. How can I ever forgive him? I don't think there is a worse offense he could have committed against me. Burn my house down, take all my money, break my legs, kill me...but don't ever take away my love and safety. Nothing could have hurt me more than having my husband ripped out of my arms. It still hurts when I realize all over again that I lost my husband. The kind and gentle man who loved me and intertwined his heart with mine is gone...he is gone and all that is left is a monster who is hateful and mean, but looks exactly like him. I am still deeply in love with my husband...but I hate the man who looks like him with every fiber of my being.

I think of it as if this man murdered the man I married. They are nothing alike. It is too painful to think that the hand that threatened to beat me to death is the same hand that used to caress my face so tenderly. The eyes that used to well with tears while he expressed his love for me couldn't possibly be the same eyes that filled with hatred and rage towards me. It just don't seem possible that the kindest most loving man I've ever met could be the same man who towered over me with a hammer in his hand telling me I deserved to die. I just can't accept it is the same man. My husband is dead, and I don't know who this asshole is who is pretending to be him...but I hate him.

I am doing everything in my power to ignore Christmas. I keep my curtains closed at night so I don't see the neighbor's holiday lights. I don't watch the news because I don't want to see anything that has to do with holiday shoppers or the holiday. I am pretending it is still October. My daughter turns 4 in just 5 days...I am ignoring that too. How do I acknowledge that her father won't be here to celebrate with her? She is our child, we created her together in an act of love...and now he isn't even here to witness her growing.

The only thing I'm looking forward to this Christmas, is it finally being over.