Friday, September 4, 2009

Seriously missin' the internet.

These trips to the library to use the internet are a huge "slap in the face" kind of reminder of just how broke I am. The bills are slowly catching up, but we are still not at the point of being able to afford internet. It gets sooooo depressing being broke like this. It has been so long since I've bought new clothes I don't even remember when it was. My husband, thankfully, has lost enough weight that he is able to fit into old jeans from 6 years ago. If he hadn't lost the weight, he would be going to work with worn out jeans. I haven't been so lucky with weight loss because of the amazing amount of stress I am under. I am just hovering and doing good to not gain anymore. I think the depression is trying to creep back into my life. Seems like I am so wrought with worry and stress that I can't think of anything else. Keeping positive is a constant effort on my part.

My husband is being more of a husband than he ever was before we split. I don't know exactly why it took the extreme measure that it did in order for him to grow up, but I am thankful that it finally did happen. Instead of putting me down to feel better about himself, he is taking the steps to make himself better. Since he got his most recent job, he has never been late for work or missed a day. Being late for work was a daily thing for years, so it is odd that he has been so different with this job. I think it being so difficult for him to get into a job at all, has impressed upon him just how important it is that he not screw this one up.

My husband has interviewed for a promotion and didn't get it, but was told that he would be put into a different department based off of his skills and interests. It sounds like a sure thing and he should be moved in a couple weeks. That will be a $2 raise and I am hoping this will mean I can cut back a few more hours at my work. I had to take one less day because I couldn't handle the work load anymore, so I am only working two days then get a day off, work two days then get my weekend. I really need the time to get things at home done, plus sleep. I have been trying to function on not enough sleep for too long. When I have to work nights and take care of the girls during the day, there isn't much time left for sleeping. When I can get down to working no more than 20 hours a week, I should feel a lot better.

Besides the promise of a promotion, my husband has still been working on getting into a trade. He took the qualification test and the interview (which went really well). In a couple weeks we should get a letter stating where he is placed on the roster. I have been praying like crazy that he get into an apprenticeship soon. That would be double his current income, which would mean my income would be "extra" to start knocking down our debt and maybe buy a new pair of sneakers for myself (seriously, my current pair is falling apart and hurts my feet to wear them). I don't know if we would get the internet again as soon as we could afford it though. As much as I hate not having internet, I would really love the security of being debt-free. We've discussed it some, but haven't came to a final decision yet.

I am counting down the weeks until tax season. I am so excited for tax return this year! Our furnace is from 1946 and thankfully still working, but it sucks energy and doesn't do a very good job of heating the house. The hot water heater is old too, but I don't know the exact year. The problem with it is that the moron that installed it put the hot and cold water hookups on backwards. So the cold water goes in on the top of the hot water, instead of the bottom of the tank. What this means is that after using about 4 minutes of hot water the cold water dumping in on top of it has cooled it off and you end up taking freezing cold showers. We could just fix the problem except that we are 95% positive doing so would cause the hookups to fall apart. This has been so annoying for the couple years we've lived here. Come tax season, we are going to use that tax return towards a Rinai system. We got an estimate a while back, and for tankless on-demand hot water and the furnace that goes with it we would be paying about $4,500. Normally a hot water heater is around $600 and a furnace is $5000+ (based on quotes we got a couple years ago when we were looking at prices for updating and fixing houses during our hunt for a home, prices could have gone up since then though). A Rinai hot water heater is about double what a regular tank water heater is, but the furnace that works with it is way cheaper than a traditional furnace. The air is heated by hot water, which also means it doesn't dry out the air. Getting this system is a little dream of mine, plus the savings in energy costs during the winter months would be awesome. With what's leftover of the tax return is still being debated where we will spend it. My husband wants to spend it on knocking out some of our smaller credit cards (ones under $500). I know that is the smart thing to do, but there is a big part of me that also feels we haven't been able to spend any money on us just for fun for many months. Depending on our income at the time, I would like to get a new tv. The 46" LED by Samsung would look pretty sweet in our living room :) Our current tv we've had for 8 years, and is a 27" RCA tube tv. It has been pretty well used, and isn't working so awesome anymore. It was a floor model that we bought on clearance at Kmart.

I feel so boring. All I do is work and trudge through life. There are some fun moments, but really labor takes up most all of my life currently. We have stopped using toys for awhile. I don't know when we will start using them again, but it seemed like they just kinda slipped out of our sex. Seems like sex isn't planned out ahead of time anymore and it isn't all that fun and mind blowing either. Now we have went to one of those couples who only have sex right before bed. It is an odd development for us, but I've been enjoying it for the most part. I had kind of assumed the days of actually making love (as apposed to fucking) and falling asleep still holding each other were over, but here we are, falling asleep without even cleaning up most nights (that I am not working anyway). Sex had become something devoid of most all emotion before my husband was arrested, so I am still getting used to the emotion-filled, heart-present, love making of the current. The sweetness of my sex life is almost sickening.

I think I've ate up all of my "me" time already. Time to go try to post this now.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Back in the same house.

Time really flies by, doesn't it? Two freakin' months have gone by since I posted last...seems like it was just last week. My house is a lot different than it was then. I let him move back in. Maybe I am being stupid, but it doesn't really feel like it. It has been almost a month, and things are going scary good. I don't understand why it wasn't like this before. I am still watching him like a hawk, but there is a weird peace in the house that still feels foreign to me.

Are there couples who disagree without fighting? Is it possible for two people to be married and not scream or swear at each other? We have not had a single fight since I've been having a dialog with him, but I honestly didn't expect it to stay that way when he moved in. We have had arguments, and disagreements, but not fights. When the discussion starts getting heated he says he needs to go for a walk and will be back in half an hour. He leaves and comes back in 30 minutes and we finish the discussion. We have had some big disagreements too, but they never escalated into raised voices or saying mean things.

I am still getting used to there being someone else living with me again. It has been nice to have help though. I enjoying doing yard work, but there are times when I am just too tired to mow. He has been helping out more than he ever did. There are still some annoying things like not picking up his own laundry and putting it in the hamper, but that seems like a small gripe when he is helping with dishes and yard work. Finding time to work on our relationship has been the hardest thing we have been struggling with. Right now we are trying to work shifts so one of us is able to stay home with the kids. Right now we honestly can't afford day care, and my oldest daughter requires more attention then a day care could provide her with. My husband is currently pursuing a new career in a trade in his spare time, so that hopefully we will have more income. I do not want to not have a job, but if we had day care I would be paying in order to work instead of earning money. I haven't found the right balance yet, but this is getting quite tiring. We will need to do something else soon or I will run out of steam.

I would say things are going well for me, at least there is positive progress being made. Sure, my life isn't perfect, but whose is? I am happy, my children are happy, it could be a lot worse. At lest we are no longer living in fear and abuse, and our family feels more complete.

I noticed there is another comment from "Anonymous." Whoever you are, you obviously have a personal gripe against me, though I can't imagine what over. I could delete your comments, but I hardly see the flamboyant ignorance worth my effort. You have not posted a comment that was not laced with ignorance thus far. For example your latest comment. "sell your sex toys like your expensive shit like fyn bag and sasi and all the really nice ones. then you could afford diapers for your kids." This shows that you did not even read the post to which you commented, since I stated my children are both potty trained and no longer require diapers. Another thing is that you obviously don't have a clue how expensive diapers are, nor do you understand that I would not be able to sell sex toys even if I wanted to. No one would BUY a sex toy from someone they were not fluid bonded with, unless they were completely lacking in sexual health knowledge. I would not morally or ethically be able to sell a sex toy to someone else, it just wouldn't be responsible. If I did find some sucker to buy my things and I somehow got over feeling evil for doing so, just how much do you think I would get? I doubt it would even be $25 for everything. That doesn't gas up my car, it doesn't buy diapers for two weeks for one child, it would do little to no good. Obviously you are jealous of my toys, since you started commenting when I purchased the SaSi. You previously commented that it was stupid of me to buy my SaSi, which is odd that you think you have the right to judge me considering you do not even know me. What I post is a small window into my life, you have no idea what I do during my days or how hard I work. You have too much free time on your hands if throwing your ignorance around like confetti is deemed worthwhile. If you don't like me, that's fine with me. It doesn't hurt my feelings when you write something mean to me, after all, why would I even consider your comments as anything besides spiteful garbage? Posting these comments that there is no reason for, under a veil of anonymity no less, is cowardly and a waste of time. Go read a book or do something worthwhile.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Nearly 5 months later...

Well here I am, still hanging in there. I can't say as everything has gone like I thought it would, or even like I had hoped against hope it would, but I am doing better than I was when I left. I kept no contact with my husband until the whole thing with the trial came up in February. I don't quite know what happened as I am still dumb founded and in disbelief. This is all random and nothing is making sense I know...I am still in a state of confusion myself. My husband got off with a differed sentence of one year, so as long as he does not get arrested or cross the law in anyway he will not have the PFMA (Partner/Family Member Assault) on his record after the year is up. I can't say as I was too pleased as this seemed like a light slap on the wrist and nothing more.

Weeks then a couple months went by and he started trying to contact me again. I did not know what to expect and I was trying to cut my ties with him, so was frightened by his continued interest in me. Some of his choices looked odd to me, and I was confused about his motives regarding those choices. He switched to a new church, went to Bible study weekly, got on a new medication for depression and for adult ADD, and went to the domestic abuse and anger management class before he was court ordered to do so, he also continued going to his counselor weekly. My first thought was that this was all a trick to suck me back into the abuse, so I largely dismissed his actions as a sort of con.

A few more weeks went by and I began to grow curious about the whole deal, so I met with his counselor. Mind you she was not able to tell me much because of it being confidential, but she was able to tell me a little bit about her perception of him, and honestly I was quite shocked by what she had to say. I never expected her to tell me that he was trying to change his behavior and was doing better than she thought he would. She told me that she believed he had hit rock bottom and finally realized exactly how bad his life had become.

I still had a lot of doubt about him and what he was doing, I seriously don't believe people can just do a 180 like that. My attempt to cut off all communication with him obviously had failed, and a dialog, though sparse, had begun. After some time went by I began going to his counseling sessions with him and agreed to attend his church with him once. I will admit that I have seen a change in his demeanor and attitude, towards me and others. I don't trust this change, and I take everything said or done with a grain of salt, but it is hard to ignore when someone suddenly starts putting your needs above their own and stops allowing their anger to control them. I wanted him to change for so long, but does it matter now or is it too late?

So far this unexpected change has been consistent and in just a few weeks he will graduate from his anger management class. Recently he began working out of a book called the Love Dare (base off of the movie Fire Proof), which is a Christian based book for learning how to lead your heart and choose to love your spouse. This has spurred some oddities that make me feel uneasy, but overall I have seen quite a bit of change in him while working out of this book (treating me with honor and respect being the biggest change). It seems like he has been sacrificing things that he used to hold as more important than me (smoking, video games, and computer time especially) that I never expected out of him. I don't know that last time he has even mentioned a video game, let alone actually playing one. He hasn't smelled of smoke in weeks and I've noticed his teeth are whiter and he doesn't seem to weak and out of breath anymore (the coughing is gone as well). He received money from family for his birthday, and he spent it on the last thing I would have ever expected...diapers for his child.

Is it all for looks and a big fat trick, or are these changed real? I am still not sure, but I find myself lowering my guard a tiny bit every week. We remain separated and I do not feel he has proven himself trust worthy given the short time frame in which we have even been talking. I will continue to take care of my children and myself, if he wishes to contribute fine, if not it that's also fine. I do not feel like I need him, and have a good deal of pride in that.

I moved back into our house and am doing upkeep as best I can. I can't say that I am meeting the bills with perfection, but at least I am trying. I would return to reviewing products for Eden Fantasys, but honestly can't afford internet at this point. Writing this in advance and posting it at a public internet source is the best I can do, and opportunity for just that is difficult to find.

My little family is doing quite well actually. My children have been thriving for one, and seem to be growing so fast. My youngest learned to potty train in just a couple days. The oldest girl struggled with this for so long, and after being dry during the day it took months before she could go all night. The youngest however, learned to stay dry in just a couple days and within a week was going dry all day and all night. I can't express how awesome it is to no longer have the expense of diapers.

I am still under a huge deal of stress with the financial situation I am in, but the depression has all but melted away. I no longer struggle with suicidal thoughts and am generally in an optimistic and happy mood. Every now and then I do feel down and blue, but it is short lived and not nearly so severe as it used to be. I am enjoying the warmness of the season and the yard work that is involved. Things are slowly improving for me, and I thank everyone for the kind words and wishes.

I will try to update sooner next time, just have been so busy. Later!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Goodbye, for now.

Well, this is it. This is the big day. My last two reviews are submitted to Eden Fantasys, and I am packing to leave my home. I don't know how long until I get a place of my own, but I imagine it will be a while. I am going to live with my parents, and it is due time that I do. I know I must get out of this city and away from my husband if I am ever going to succeed in leaving him.

This is ripping my heart into shreds. I hate all the pain and cruelty, but yet the thought of losing him tears me apart inside. My head has been saying "run, dammit run, while you still can!" and my heart keeps telling me "remember the way he used to hold us? Remember the tears well up in those beautiful blue eyes as he said I was the only thing in this world he needed to be content? What if he could change someday? What if he changes and I miss out on it? What if the man I fell so deeply in love with is still in there somewhere?" I am finally having to tell my heart to shut the fuck up. I have allowed him to abuse me for so long because I was so desperate to gain his love and acceptance again. To be beaten wasn't too high of a price to pay to be held and caressed was it? But wait a second, why don't other women have to suffer in order to be loved? Why does this ever happen to any of us, that we put up with the pain for those few moments of intimacy and love, even though we know deep inside that he doesn't really mean it, that he will never really change.

I wrote a letter to him. Not a letter to the abuser, but to the man I still love and wish he could be again. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and to clear the air. I don't hate him, and it was important to me to be able to tell him that. I need him to know that he does not have me in fear anymore. I will not let him control me in any manner for one more second of my life. I am free. I sobbed so hard as I wrote that 6 page letter to him. I doubt it will mean much to him, but it feels good to me to get it out and be able to let go.

I will be grieving at my parent's house. I will cry a lot, and I will write in my journal alot. It will hurt, but I will get through it. I must grieve, and it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hurt, and it is okay to cry. Sometimes we must all cry.

To everyone who has shown me kindness, I give out a sincere and heartfelt thank you. Those of you who have encouraged me may have just saved my life. I have been so deep in depression that I have considered taking my own life nearly every day for the past year. I have sat in the bath tub in the middle of the night while everyone else slept, holding a knife at my throat trying to get up the courage to finally get it over with. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't live knowing how worthless I was. How could my own husband not find any value in my life? The only person who has ever swore to love me forever, cast me aside like a piece of trash.

I can not even describe how shocked I was to find the forum post on Eden Fantasys. At the core of who I am, I strongly believed I had little to no value as a human being. How could so many people say such nice things about me? Me of all people getting praise and being called an "asset?" I just sat there staring at my computer screen and cried. Do any of these people realise how much their words mean to me? I will never forget their kindness. It is because of the encouragement and love shown to me by these people that I am still alive and taking the steps to change my life and the lives of my two little girls.

The nights that I just wanted to disappear, you all made me laugh. You gave me something better to think about, you gave me something to brighten my day and pull me from the dark hole I was sinking into; whether you knew it or not you saved my life. I will come back to you all when I can, when I am safe, when I am on my own two feet once more. Thank you all, thank you more than I could ever express.

I am making final preparations to leave. Me, my girls, my cats, and what I can fit in the car. Everything else stays. I have never felt like this before. This is so painful, but yet it feels like a new beginning at the same time. I feel good that I am doing the right thing, but it still makes my heart ache. I will come back, I promise. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know that I will come back. I will come back better than ever, I promise you all.

My heart and thoughts go out especially to those of you who are dealing with abuse in your own lives, no matter what stage you are in or if you are already out. I will be thinking of you all, and I will continue to draw strength from your strength as I hope you can do the same.

Everything happens for a reason...I found the eden community hoping for a fun distraction, and I found my life. This is why we encourage and support one another, because you never know who is suffering in silince, who needs the compassion.

Thank you.

ToiBocks Review

I loved the high end look and promise of discretion when I first laid eyes on the original ToiBocks. I can not tell you how excited I was to receive one from the good folks over at EdenFantasys.

Being the holidays, my package arrived a little later than scheduled. When it did arrive though I tore into it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Inside of the discreet shipping box was the product box of my new ToiBocks. Curiously, the box lists it as coming in three different colors: Dark Cherry, Golden Honey, and Black Licorice, though only the Dark Cherry seems to be available at the moment.

Inside of the box was a ridiculous amount of Styrofoam cradling my sexy new toy storage. Well, alright, you don't HAVE to use it for toys. This baby locks via magnetic lock, so it is handy for valuables as well as private items. Obviously when you open this up it becomes apparent that there is hidden storage under the top tray. The trick is that there is no visible lock, so even if people figure out there is a compartment in the bottom, they won't be getting into it.

More about the nifty lock on this product. The key is a round flat disc, metal with TB logo on one side, soft red velvet on the other side. All it takes is a quick swipe over the magic spot and the lock is undone. The key can easily stick (magnetically of course) to the metal logo on the inside of the lid. If you ever lose your key, you may simply ask ToiBocks to send you a new one (great reason to register your new ToiBocks as soon as possible).

I found the quality of this product to be just what I expected from the high price tag. Costing near $100, I expected it to be in excellent condition and flawlessly made; I was not disappointed at all. The finish on the wood in nicely done with no runs or streaks or thin spots. The shine is lovely, and the feel is silky smooth. The inside is covered in red velvet, and it looks just exquisite! I have no problem storing my diamond jewelry in the top tray of this, as it looks just as beautiful as my jewels. The hinges are smooth working, and the lock works perfectly every time for me as well. Little rubber feet are included that may be put on the bottom of the ToiBocks to protect whatever you set it upon, if you so wish. I did not put mine on, as I do not place it directly on other furniture but instead on a decorative runner.

When it comes to storage space, this is 11" x 7" x 6.25" or 41.25 cubic inches. With the tray in place the bottom compartment is 2.5" deep. I could fit a couple more toys into it if I so wished, but currently I am storing inside of it these toys: Smart balls, Clear ribbed G-spot wonder, Passion bullets dual, G-Spot Gemstone, Power penis vibrator, and the Vibrating C-Ring. Like I said though, there is room for a couple more toys. I imagine I could fit a couple medium to smallish dildos and a bullet or two. If you are not worried about people finding your stuff (which is kinda the purpose behind this) you could also keep a few toys in the top tray or else not even use the tray at all. Condoms fit perfectly in the two smaller compartments, and the larger area is perfect for cock rings or nipple jewelry.

Be aware that while this thing does hold enough toys to be functional, it serves best as a handy spot for favorites. I have roughly around 80 toys (no, I am not going to go count them all) so my collection is on the large side. I keep my smaller favorites in this, as it will hold neither my Hitachi or my Lone Star (damned big balls that it has barely won't fit).

Over all, I think this is a great product and I am excited to see the rest of the line of products from ToiBocks. This is an excellent product for people with children, nosy guests, or room mates. The ToiTissue is also for sale at EdenFantasys, and I have the overwhelming sense that I must own it as well :P

product picture
Storage container by ToiBocks
Material: Wood

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Shit Face Must Die...Please?

Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.

Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.

I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.

Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.

Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.

Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.

I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.

I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...

I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.

That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.

I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.

Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...