Thursday, December 18, 2008

I should be in bed...sleeping.

I seriously need to stop staying up so late. Here I am, sitting in front of the computer screen, and it is after 12:30 am. Why do I do this?! I am addicted to sex toys, I know that much. Most of my time online is spent drooling over countless toys that I can't afford. I could be in bed playing with myself, spraying my sheets with ejaculate...but no, I am sitting here.

Besides drooling over toys, I frustrate myself playing a web browser game called Ikariam. It is not a hard game, not hard at all. What frustrates me about it is how freaking long it takes to do anything. I am currently working on building up my governor palaces in order to create a new colony. I have spent over a week shipping resources to a town, then some ass tries to pillage said town. All that time wasted. Granted I am no push over in this game, and my score is 3 times what his is. He mysteriously has his upgrades maxed out and has a butt load of really good troops and ships...thing about this that is so weird is that he only has two towns; a marble and a wine. I know that he needs sulfur to build troops and ships, and I know he needs tons and tons of crystal glass to upgrade those troops and ships. He doesn't have the gold to be buying this stuff and his score is low. How did he get so much stuff without building up his towns and expanding like everyone else has to do? Is he one of the people who use real life money to buy virtual crap? If so, "ha ha ha on you sucker!" Okay, that wasn't nice. Seriously though, I can't think of any other way he has so much stuff.

What do I do about this small annoyance? Why, I build up my army and wipe his ass until he bleeds. MWA HA HA HA! I have forced people off of the server before; might as well do it again (why isn't there an evil grin smiley?). I upped my sulfur production to the max and am building troop and ships as fast as I can in all 5 of my towns (remember he only has 2 ;). Why is it so satisfying to crush people in virtual scenarios?

Back to toys again. I created my gift registry for EdenFantasys a couple days back. I have to admit, my registry is filled with awesome awesome toys. :D I am so Randy for the Randy by Vixen. I can't even express how badly I want to get my lusty little hands on that blue cock. So yummy looking. I love the colors of it, black and blue (there's a joke there somewhere, I can feel it ;) it is VixSkin!!! It has a suction cup base!!! and it is thick...think 2 1/4 inches thick...*drools uncontrollably* so delicious looking :) No surprise the thing is sold out...fuck, if I had the money I would have bought it as soon as it went live on the site.

Of course I added the Liberator Throe to my gift registry as well. Now that squirting is a common thing during my masturbation sessions, I really really (REALLY) need some way to protect my sheets. I used to have normal messy sex. I am pretty well lubed naturally, and tend to drip a little when greatly aroused. In addition to my own juices, I enjoy some added lube also. Sometimes I like something warming, silky, slick, or tasty. When my husband was involved he of course added his pre-cum and his squirt-cum into the mix. I used to think my sex was wet and messy. Ha! What a laugh. A towel folded in half used to take care of the mess back then; no longer is this the case. Now that I spray buckets of cum, towels just don't cut it anymore. Three towels folded in half do nothing but provide a bit of elevation so that I am better angled to spray cum over a wider area; thus defeating the whole purpose of having the towels there in the first place.

My gift registry contains many wonderful things. Most of them are quite expensive, but I also have some cheaper items as well. The warming and cooling lubes/gels for one, and the Night light condoms, as well as some nipple clamps. So many fun and exciting things. I could go on for hours just talking about them...until my wrists cramp up on me that is.

I've been talking to my husband more than I should lately (once is too much when it goes against a court order). I did a post recently about foreskin restoration. I had shared this info with my husband and he expressed interest in it. Last night I asked him if he had thought about trying it out, and he told me that he has been taping. Granted he isn't doing it every day, I was still pretty excited to learn that he is doing it at all. I hope he sticks with it and gains some foreskin even if he never reaches full coverage. I don't know why I am so excited over this when I don't even know if we will be getting a divorce or not.

Speaking of my husband, I have been craving cock like mad lately. I usually get super horny around egg poppin' time, but I just kicked Aunt Flo to the curb and I'm already craving his cock! What is the deal? I'm usually sort of horny (that's a lie, I am almost always extremely horny) but usually a toy is satisfying enough. I have been lusting after the feel of his flesh even after 4 delicious orgasms. It is driving me insane. I've started having erotic fucking dreams about him again. I wake up feeling exhausted (and oddly enough, still insanely horny) after 7 hours of sex dreams. Good thing we are separated, or else he would be sore and raw by now. My hormones may be a little wack right now...I've been thinking about babies a lot lately.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Cock skin...gone for good?

What exactly does all that extra cock skin do? Every guy in the world is circumcised, right? WRONG! And for good reason. The foreskin isn't there just to look fact, it is there for several reasons; the main one being protection. The foreskin helps to protect the glans (otherwise known as the "head") from cold, and rubbing. The foreskin also serves purpose during sexual activities. The skin slipping over the glans is reportedly amazing feeling, not to mention the wrinkles feel lovely to the vagina as well.

One thing I have to admit...I've never fucked a guy with a natural cock...never even been able to hold one in my hand, or gaze upon one that wasn't on my computer screen.

I had thought my husband's penis was gorgeous looking...little did I know it was actually disfigured by his infant circumcision. Now aesthetic damage is pretty common in snipped just isn't acknowledged by the medical community...after all, it doesn't show up until adulthood is reached and the penis has grown substantially. Some of the most common problems are scarring, skin tags, bridges, varicose veins, dry and rough glans, tight circumcisions, and hairy penis.

My husband is cursed with a huge varicose vein located on the top part of his shaft near the base, tight circumcision, a wrinkled lump of scar tissue in addition to the scar band around his shaft, a few hairs half way up his shaft (he plucks them, believe it or not), and a dry and very sore glans.

I thought most of these things were normal, because lets face it, cut cocks have scars, and the skin is usually pretty tight, and aren't really large penile veins to be lusted after? How did I learn these aren't normal then? I was doing general research on circumcisions mostly for the fun of it. I was curious what main arguments are against circumcision (I had previously only been aware the foreskin makes sex feel better for the man) and I happened to stumble upon some information about foreskin restoration.

How could it be possible to undo a circumcision? Well, its quite simple really; you "stretch" the skin. This is not difficult to do and is painless. You gently pull the skin of a flaccid penis forward until it covers the tip, then you tape it in place. As the penis relaxes it puts some strain on the skin, and as the skin is gently pulled the body naturally compensates and grows new skin. Just think about the stretching that takes place when ear plugs are used, or when you get pregnant (though that is much more extreme than this). Now don't be rushing out and buying cases of duct tape, there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I won't list all the specifics of it, but instead provide a link to a place that provides more information at the end of this post.

The process takes a long time, 1.5-3 years from what I've read. Men do notice a great difference just after a couple months however, and after sufficient time are able to fully regrow their foreskin to the point it looks nearly identical to a natural penis. Of course the severed nerves can't be regrown, but getting some of it back is better than not having any of the protective skin.

I've wondered to myself, does fate have a little something to do with why I had two girls? Even just a year ago, if I would have had a boy, we would have gotten him circumcised...I would NEVER even consider having that done now...I know better.

I've discussed this with my husband. I've spent several hours over the phone telling him everything I know about this subject. I know regrowing his foreskin would be very beneficial to him. Oral sex and hand jobs are painful for him if not done carefully. His glans is so rough and sore that I would have to be very careful to not let my lips pass over it too often. Manual stimulation was even worse because hands aren't as soft as lips are. He sounded very interested in restoring his foreskin, though worried I would think it was ugly. I used to think natural cocks looked weird, but now I see them as healthy and sexy. Cut cocks just make me think of mutilation. My husband seems whole-heatedly to believe he will change his ways and heal the abuse. Admittedly, I can see that he is trying, but I'm not getting my hopes up over this as I've read the statistics. No matter how all that crap works out, I would like to see him repair his penis.

Now for the links I promised :)

Video #1 shows video and pictures of restored penises, plus some good info.
Video #2 shows a baby being circumcised, and was difficult for me to watch because of it, but I"m glad I did. Also includes some good arguments and info. and both have some really great info and links to other sites.

Here is a direct link to a site that has pictures of botched circumcisions...some of these pictures are disturbing and difficult to look've been warned.

Here is one man's photos during his restoration process.

Isn't it wonderful that men are able to restore some of what was stolen away from them as infants? I think it is, and I wish every man knew he had this option.

Any thoughts about the common complications of circumcision or the restoring of foreskin? I welcome any and all comments on the subject, so start typing!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Random Updates

Well, no particular direction with this there ever? Nah, I think not. Most of the time I ramble, sometimes I try to stick to a certain topic, but it always end up being a bunch of random crap strewn throughout that topic. I know, I have a "gift" for rambling...ain't I lucky ;)

First random update, 2 REVIEWS DONE!!! Yay!! My free assignment review for the Passion Bullets Dual is up. I submitted it this morning and it went up before noon...very fast Edan, very fast. I also submitted my review for a Description Program toy last night. It is a traditional vibrator by Evolved. Though not up yet, I'll link to it's page anyways. The Rhapsody. Hopefully it is up soon. Description toys take longer to post than free assignment toys in my experience. Random thought here...I am not getting as many toys from the program as I was. I think this may be due to having a couple toys late because of the whole mess in my personal life (yeah, the abuse and crap with my husband). At the very beginning I got a box of 5 toys. I was receiving two toys out at a time (kinda reminded me of Netflix actually, lol) with the new toys being sent out as soon as my reviews posted to the site. Now I am getting one toy at a time, and it is taking longer to be assigned a new one. I can't say as it bothers me, getting the toys less often that is. I have enough freaking toys as it is! I love getting new ones, but I honestly need some new storage solutions.

Second random update, I'm on twitter now! Yay! Not much to say about it really. I just got my account set up today and got a few people to follow. I will go and ad more later, or at least I'm planning on it.

Third random update, I've been knitting a lot lately. I am working on a stole in this hideous yellow color that is the exact color of breastfed newborn babies' poop...not joking at all. It was something my husband picked out for me to knit a shrug with, and um...I couldn't force myself to use it. I am almost done with the lacy stole (think wide long scarf) and perhaps I'll post a picture of it once it's done. I think it is easier to handle the yellow (oddly called "gold," never seen shit colored gold before...) in a stole than it would be in a shrug or sweater. I'm also working on a knit vest for my 2 year old nephew. It is turning out really well, though it is looking a bit wide-ish.

This brings me to another random thought...why are baby and toddler clothes all made for children who are as wide as they are tall? Looking at children's sizes though, they are built for little twig children. Am I missing something here, or do children go from being little cute blobs to skinny stick like people when they turn 5-6? I have ALWAYS had to put tucks in my children's clothes, so do most women I know (except one, and her little guy happens to be one of the chunkiest kids I've ever seen). My eldest has one child's XS shirt, and it is MUCH skinnier than her 4T size shirts...seriously...WTF?

Random update number 4, I've been on YouTube a lot lately. I know, I lame is that. I have always been one to actually be on the verge of hatred when it came to youtube. The majority of people who comment on the videos are obviously a bunch of trolls and juvenile delinquents (or at least they like acting like it). The past few weeks I have found a couple channels that I actually do like and enjoy.

I've enjoyed some of the videos by SMP Films, particularly the Mean Kitty ones. Sparta has his own channel here is a link. I like kitties, and my orange kitty is a bitter just like Sparta. Some cute videos on there. Sparta chases video game characters on the TV, my kitty does that too. Funny thing is, he also chases people's hands on TV. He likes Barack Obama the best, I think it's because he makes lots of hand gestures when he talks. It is funny and cute to watch my crazy cat go bonkers over Obama's hands :)

My favorite channel on youtube has to be the JeepersMedia channel. That guy owns waaaaaaay too many toys (NOT sex toys, but actual children's toys, although some are tarted towards teens and adults). Some of his reviews are hilarious...seriously, I don't think I've laughed as hard as I did over the Batman and the Tarzan toys as well as the spongebob thermometer (I love the song he made up for it, too funny). Watch them, you won't regret it.

Random update number 5, my husband is still bugging me. Why? Who knows honestly. He did get another job yesterday though, and today is his first day. Hopefully he can hang onto this one. Last job he only had for two weeks. The boss hired a friend so needed to fire someone, and he chose the new guy of course. I don't know, the whole deal is annoying at best. His hearing is on the 15th, with his actual trial date set for Feb 4th. I don't know what exactly I want to happen, but I have refused to go beg the prosecutor to go easy on him. So what if he gets a Misdemeanor? I think all people who commit PFMA's (Partner/Family Member Assault) should be Felons, hell, that's what it is for beating animals. Hurting animals is horrid, but why is it considered worse than beating people? Anyways, I am tired of living like this. Perhaps it will change someday...wonder if it'll be for better or for worse?

Wow, is that really all the randomness I have? No, I suppose not. I do want to review my bottle of Fizz lube at some point today. I still have a few toys to review. I need to look into getting something for storage. I can barely zip my FYN Adult Toy Chest (kinda pissed that I paid $95 for it and now it sells for $60 at Eden, what gives with the huge price drop anyways, and couldn't it have happened before I bought mine :( ), and I have three small boxes in my closet filled with toys, plus the Hitachi and four dildos (and 5+ bottles of lube) that sit on my nightstand. I really need to find something better.

Enough randomness for now. Naruto is distracting me anyways. I really should stop telling people that I like that lame

Monday, December 8, 2008

My first time

I've heard of it, who hasn't? Browsing all those online "free" porn sites (all billions of them), I came across extreme examples. It was obvious it wasn't real, just as obvious as the 12 inch long cocks that have an obvious Penis-to-extension line. My curiosity was peaked however, and I asked myself "is it possible?" A few years later I happened upon the sex toy store EdenFantasys, and there was a forum post talking about it. Yes, I'm talking about female ejaculation.

I must admit I felt a little angry when I found out it was possible for female anatomy to ejaculate, but I never had. I tried for quite awhile after learning about it, and honestly just frustrated myself so much I would get angry thinking about masturbating. It had become a goal for me. I had orgasmed from dry humping, nipple play (a couple times, though I can't do it whenever I want), from hand jobs, oral sex, intercourse (both vaginal stimulation and specific G-spot), and anal sex. So why had I never "squirted?" I am not the type of person who is comforted by statements such as "few women are able to ejaculate" in fact I see it as a challenge.

I tried most desperately to squirt for a few months. I struggled with the relaxation part of it. I tried stimulating my G-spot by myself until both arms were stiff with pain, and I had my husband stimulate me until both his arms were stiff with pain. I went to great lengths to relax and stimulate myself into areas of pure bliss. Well, it didn't happen. I had a lot of really amazing orgasms and several hours of truly great sex, both partner and solo, but I never ejaculated. I finally just decided that I wasn't able to squirt. I threw in the towel and stopped the quest.

Some time has passed, my life has changed. My husband lives at the local homeless shelter, is jobless, and ordered by the court to have no contact with me. That whole mess is complicated, and I've posted about it before so I won't go into any details. The point is that I am not having regular sex. We have cheated and bent the rules resulting in a small handful of sexual encounters, but my sex is nearly all solo. During this time away from him, I have been able to finally relax and enjoy myself. There is no pressure to please someone else, and there is no pressure for me to perform any specific way. I can do what I want, when I want, in a way that feels best for me.

3:02am December 5th, it happened. I had went to bed around midnight. I had planned on just a really quick masturbation for a sexual release. I had received two new toys for review from Eden that day, so I set about the initial testing. I was quite pleased with both toys, and used the traditional vibe and the dual bullets in conjunction with each other for a very good orgasm. I'll admit, something didn't feel quite right. The orgasm had been very strong, but I was left with that nagging "not complete" enough feeling that I often get after sex. I grabbed my Lone Star dildo and spent the next 90 minutes enjoying the deep and relaxing sensual stimulation. I no longer cared about going over the edge, or even IF I orgasmed a second could I worry about the peak of the mountain when the climb was so damn good?

I had lost all concept of time, in fact I was no longer aware of how late at night it was. I finished a second time, and while it felt amazing, the nagging was still there. I cleaned the toys with my spray on toy cleaner, and lay back in bed. I shut my eyes and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. The nagging was simply too strong.

My glass toy was within arms' reach, and I grabbed it. I plugged in my Hitachi Magic Wand, and flipped the switch onto "high." I winched a bit as I lowered the loud beast onto my sensitive bits, then I relaxed and let it take me into bliss. I felt like I was on the edge of orgasm, but it didn't come, and I didn't try to fight it or push it. I was incredibly wet still, and the smooth glass slid inside so effortlessly. I finally understood what it felt like to relax during sex, to truly relax and only feel...thought had no place in that moment.

I moved the glass dildo only slightly, in very small short thrusts that were more akin to a wiggle than actual stroking. The familiar sensation of needing to urinate was there, it always is when I make my g-spot happy. The sensation became rather intense, then it changed. I wouldn't say it faded, but more that it turned into a different sensation. It seemed that for the first time in my sexual life, I was aware of my urethra tube. I felt a pressure build within my g-spot and then the release. My body wanted to fight it, but I didn't allow myself to deny it, instead I opened up through relaxation.

There was no squirting that shot 6 feet across the room, in fact there was no squirting at all. I could feel the liquid running the entire length then come out. It was like a dam had been opened and all the hot fluid just flowed out. It was hot on my skin, and it seemed like it just kept coming and coming. Once it did finally stop, I could feel the muscle contractions surrounding my urethra and my g-spot area. It was strong, and it was deep. The nagging was gone, I was free.

I was still in a little state of shock, wondering if it really had happened. I sat up in bed and looked between my legs. There was a gigantic puddle underneath me. The wet spot was nearly 2 feet long and a foot wide. I couldn't help myself, I had to smell it, I had to know if it was truly cum or if it was pee. There was only a very faint scent, but it didn't smell like much...perhaps a little sweet smelling. It was very slick and actually felt a lot like lubricant. I tasted a tiny bit off my finger and it tasted like weak sugar water.

I was in a state of peace and ready for sleep. I folded a towel in half and lay it over the wet spot as I was too tired to change the sheets at 3:02 in the morning. I cleaned my two toys and put them away, then I crawled into bed. When I lay down, the cum soaked through the doubled over towel. A little annoyed, I took the soaked towel to the laundry room and put a new towel over the wet spot. I soaked the second towel thoroughly as well, and got a third towel to place over the wet spot during the night. I wish I had ejaculated into a measuring cup, just to see how much it actually was. I'm guessing it was a lot because it was my first time.

I wondered if this would be a one time only experience, but I have squirted a second time. This last time it was a little different. For one thing it took me about 30 minutes to get there, and I wasn't really worrying over it or even trying to. This time it did actually squirt though. When my husband comes the semen squirts out with quite a bit of force, and it does it in conjunction with the muscles contractions. My ex before him tended to dribble more than shoot. I heard both are normal, and so I had decided perhaps I was a dribbler after the first time, and now I'm wondering if I'm a did shoot about 1.5 feet before landing on the bed. The second time I had a towel under me to catch the cum, but it wasn't enough.

I've decided perhaps a special sex blanket may be in order after all. I honestly thought the Liberator Throes were pretty, but completely unnecessary. Now I've decided that they actually may be worth investing in. I really don't like changing the sheets every time I masturbate. I do doubt I will squirt every single time I masturbate, but the second time was very easy to reach what I had found impossible before. It seemed like I was able to relax and release it at will once I was aroused and close enough to orgasm. The more I do it, the more likely it is that it will become easier to do.

There is some pride in saying "I am a gusher."

The toy I used both times to achieve ejaculation is the G-spot wonder.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Toys at Eden

Things I've been drooling over at EdenFantasys.

I really want this sexy duo in time for XMAS (even though I'll be going solo this year)

What I desire the most

I really need to get my hands on the Pure wand. I have been wanting this toy for so long, and after seeing my husband's Celtic I have been dying to get my own steel toy. Ah well, we can't always have everything we want.

I went to request a buyout assignment, and got the message that I can't request an assignment while I still have one waiting to be reviewed. Not sure what the deal is there, but I was a little bummed out about it...obviously though, other people are able to get buyout assignments while they have a free assignment out...just not me. Bleh. I'll wait a day or two then try again in case it is just a weird glitch. What I have coming for free review (just shipped, YAY!) is the Passion bullets dual. What I was wanting to get via buyout assignment is the Lockable sex toy case in black. Oh well. I have enough commission to get it too.

Speaking of commission, I posted my partner code 9v3 on a couple websites. I am not really expecting anything to come out of it, but I gotta say any little bit really helps. I don't have extra money to buy toys right now, so the only way for me to do so is when I get commission (IF I get commission that is).

As a final update, I did two reviews late last night (think 1:00 am). I reviewed the Sliquid sizzle like planned, but also wrote up a quick review of the Liquid silk as well. I really like the Sliquid Sizzle, but I am totally in love with the Liquid Silk. I should review Sliquid Silk which is Sliquid's hybrid soon too, since it in nearly identical in feel to the Liquid Silk. I still have so many toys to review... Perhaps I'll get to another one tonight.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The odd one out, and proud of it.

I was a little absent during November. Sadly enough I was in a really dark slump. I do think that friggin pastor had something to do with it. My husband (weirdly enough) told him he was just making me feel the phone calls from the minister have ceased. I am ecstatic over it...or I would be if I got ecstatic anymore.

So here I am posting twice in the same day. I am a little lonely (NOT, I am so lonely I feel like I am going to go crazy here...) and I've had some things on my mind lately.

First off, I've noticed that my experiences in all things sexual are contradictory of what everyone else says is the norm. Am I abnormal then? Ha ha ha, me, a little weird? Never ;)

How am I different? Well, something I hear and read about often is that a woman's sex drives fall through the floor while pregnant...mine went through the roof...both pregnancies. I dealt with being sick the entire time with the 6-7 months being the best. During all the time I spent pregnant, all I wanted was sex. My husband was having to hide from me I was making his cock raw with over use. I could never get enough sex during that time. After the baby came, surely I wouldn't feel like having sex then. was still on my mind constantly. Having had a cesarean I wasn't allowed to have sex for 2 months after the baby was born. During that time, I was so horny I was having wet dreams. It is rare for women to actually have wet dreams...dreams that are so erotic and sexual that they result in an orgasm. The postpartum period was the only time in my life I have experienced this, and frankly it sucked. The orgasms were very intense, and it hurt like hell in my post-surgery body.

Anal sex...yes I am one of those women who love anal sex. I always heard how dirty it was, and how taboo and sinful. My boyfriend in high school convinced me to engage in anal sex with him (after telling me my cunt was too lose for him and if I loved him I'd allow him to ram my ass instead). This boyfriend was abusive to me emotionally verbally and sexually. I left him when he started kicking in doors and punching the wall next to my head... Anyways, anal sex with him was NOT enjoyable in the lest...not even a tiny bit. He was usually pretty good about slowing down if it hurt too badly (which it always did because he wasn't using lube and there was ZERO warm up time). However one time I asked him to stop and he refused. He held me down and raped me while I cried and begged him to stop. I can't even describe how badly it hurt, or how worthless I felt because of it. I was so ashamed I didn't even tell my therapist at the time. The first person and only person I told about it was my husband, that is until I started getting into reviewing sex toys and doing this whole blog thing (hasn't been very long actually).

Anal sex took awhile. It always carried so much shame and guilt for me. I still had it stuck in my mind that my vagina was loose and I was always paranoid that my husband was lying when he told me I felt great. After I told him about the rape and the things my ex had told me, he understood why I had such a poor image of my genitals. He started complimenting me about it more (obviously this was before he turned abusive). I refused to even let him give me oral sex until we'd been together for about 6 months. When it did finally happen, I was surprised at how good it felt. My ex before him thought oral sex on a woman meant using the tongue like a penis...I'm not sure he even noticed my clit. I was quite shocked by how good my husband actually was at it, and the comments he would make during made me feel great. He would stop once in awhile to kiss my legs and tell me how great I smelled and tasted.

After I confided in him about my abuse and rape, he began being more vocal during intercourse as well. He began telling me how amazing I felt, that I was very tight down there. I slowly began to believe that he really did love the feel of my body. From all the sex I actually got pretty strong in my PC muscles. It got to the point where I was able to actually push his cock out. I felt very affirmed when I would squeeze on him during sex and he would have to actually strain to thrust because I gripped him so tightly.

As my confidence grew, and we became closer and more intimate with each other, I still had this nagging in the back of my mind. I had allowed my previous "lover" to penetrate me anally, but the man I loved so deeply had not been given that chance. I'll admit, he never even asked me about it. I brought it up. I asked him if he wanted to attempt it. His response was that he was completely satisfied with vaginal sex, but if I really wanted to, he would like to try it just once.

I didn't really do any research into the subject, but I knew that lube and a condom was needed (common sense really). I also knew from being subjected to using the "magic bullet" that bearing down is helpful. A side note about suppositories...I find it hilarious that there is a mini blender that bears the slang name of a pill for your butt :D With that aside now... I will admit, that for only relying on my own common sense and horrible experience from my past, we went about it correctly.

That first run didn't go like my previous experiences had. It was still fairly uncomfortable, but it wasn't painful. I know now that the discomfort was because I was not used to having things go up my butt (let alone a full-fledged cock) and I was nervous and thus still a little tense. My husband did some complaining about the intense pressure on his cock, but otherwise seemed to enjoy it. I wasn't sure what to think honestly. I was so worried what his opinion would be that I didn't even try to enjoy it. I wasn't left sore though, so while it wasn't a complete success it wasn't a failure either. I will never forget what my husband said to me afterwards. "It was very tight, and I really liked it...but I would never chose it over your vagina." I felt very relieved, like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about him demanding anal sex from me the way my ex had done.

It was about a year and a half later when we did it again. I wasn't sure why, but I was beginning to see anal sex as incredibly erotic. While we were having intercourse there would always be a thrill if he brushed up against my anus. I wasn't sure why, but I began craving his dick in my ass. I never confessed this to him, but there were a couple times I positioned myself so that his dick (covered with a condom) would poke farther south than he was aiming for. It was a thrill and I would get incredibly turned on by it, though I know he was annoyed with having to put on a clean condom... I didn't want to tell him I wanted to try anal sex again. I was afraid he would think I was dirty for wanting such a thing since we had previously agreed it was something neither of us desired or would seek out.

When I did finally ask him if we could try it one more time, he was a little reluctant, but he agreed. He was very good about warming me up. There was lots of oral sex and some fingering, we had intercourse for a little while until I started feeling that hunger in my ass. He slipped a condom on and we lubed up his penis and my ass. It was pretty tight going in, as I wasn't used to the penetration. The discomfort didn't last very long. Once he got in deeper and started doing very shallow and deep strokes, I felt something I hadn't expected. I felt a very intense sense of pleasure in my anus and up in my rectum where the head of his penis was stroking. It didn't take long until I was in the throws of a very intense orgasm. I wasn't using anything on my clit or in my vagina, not even my hands.

My husband was very shocked as was apparent when he asked "are you really finishing?" I was just as surprised as he was. I never expected it to feel THAT good. My husband never liked anal sex as much as vaginal sex, but there was no denying that he loved giving me those super powerful orgasms. I have been hooked since that time, and have gotten so used to anal sex that my body opens up freely now. All I have to do for warm up on anal sex is put some lube there and my ass sucks the cock right in. Double penetration is a mind blowing experience for me, but that is a whole different post ;)

So, I had always heard that women can not orgasm from anal sex. Men enjoy very powerful orgasms because of prostate stimulation. Where women are concerned however, there is nothing there to stimulate and the G-spot is not easily access through the rectum and vaginal walls. My most powerful orgasms come from anal sex however. I do not need my clit or vagina even touched. I do not feel it in my G-spot either. Different muscles contract with an anal orgasm, and it is deeper and more satisfying for me than clit orgasms or even G-spot orgasms.

Another thing that is different with me, women don't like to swallow cum. Yes, I know, this probably is a little weird, but I can't imagine not swallowing. I don't usually use flavored lubes because I love the way my husbands penis tastes and I don't find the taste of his cum offensive in the least either. He almost never asked for oral sex, but I loved doing it for him. He didn't care much, but I could take him in until my lips pressed his pubic bone. It really hurt me when after the abuse got pretty bad that he would no longer allow me to give him oral sex.

I've heard that the glans (head of the penis) is not as sensitive in circumcised men as it is on men who are not cut. I read tips on giving the perfect hand job, but received pretty bad results when I tried them out on my husband. Turns out his glans is extremely sensitive on his cut cock. Advice for great hand jobs almost always tell you to focus on the glans, but doing this actually hurt him. During blow jobs I had to be careful to not slide my lips over the head too often and during hand jobs it was best to avoid the head altogether. I thought maybe it was because the lube wasn't slick enough and he was receiving too much friction. Super slick lube did help to not tug the skin on his shaft as much, but it didn't help with the sensitivity on his glans. I had to disregard all advice I had gotten and learn how to please him with minimal contact to the head of his me, this is trickier than it sounds.

Okay, this post turned out longer than I was planning. That tends to happen often I'm afraid...oh well :)

Perhaps I'll churn out a review before bed...I think it's about time I review one of the products I bought a few months ago. Sliquid Sizzle perhaps? Yes, I think I just might...

Christmas gloom

I've been thinking about could I not with black Friday coming and going by in a flurry? I did not go shopping until after 4:00 pm Friday, and that was only because my in-laws insisted on getting presents for my girls. I would have just stayed home and avoided all the craziness if I could have.

I used to love Christmas time as a child. It was a time of joy and laughter, family and friends, and presents and sweets. Now I dread the holiday. I think of all the stress of finding a gift for each family member and close friend and hoping they like it. There is the expense too, and that is what is killing me this year.

Year before last I made a knit poncho for several of my female family members. A blue one for my mother, a gray one for my sister, and a burgundy one for my niece. Now the yarn I used was not cheap, and each poncho put me out around $45 in yarn alone. I spent about a week working on each one (I put in at least 5 hours every day during nap times, after bedtime, and when ever the TV was on). The ponchos turned out beautifully, and I had plans on buying yarn to make one for myself but it never happened. I had some left over yarn from making these three ponchos that just sat in with all my other scrap yarns. I decided to get it out and make a poncho for myself out of these left over bits. My niece came over to visit while I was working on it, and she commented what nice yarn it was. Then the words came out of her mouth..."you should make a poncho like this for me." I actually bit my lip to keep from screaming at her. I was way beyond irritated and standing on the fence of rage. I had spent quite a few hours of my time and more money than I usually spend on extended family, to make that burgundy poncho for her...guess she didn't like it though...since she forgot about it completely.

So besides the stress of trying to find the perfect gift, I always have that scenario of her forgetting what I gave her even after seeing something nearly identical. It is just one more thing to nag at me during the December holidays.

Best present I ever gave was to my husband. I have given nicer gifts, but I was able to give him something he wanted without him figuring it out until he opened it. I had bought Gears of War for him and wrapped it up inside of a shirt I also bought for him. I left the shirt out where I knew he would bump into it, then after he saw it I took it and hid it. When he asked if I bought him a shirt for Christmas, I said yes (I had after all...even if I didn't tell him it wasn't his real gift). He was visibly disappointed from learning I had got him a shirt. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face when he unfolded the shirt and the game fell out. The hardest part was trying to come up with reasons why we shouldn't buy the game before Christmas. He was constantly showing me articles in magazines and new screen shots online. Ha ha, it was worth it though. Every other time I didn't even try to hide what I had gotten for him, so he was really caught off guard.

I must admit, the thought of Christmas this year is much more depressing than it has been in years past. I still hate the stress of shopping in large crowds (I swear every person in the state goes to the same damn stores I do when I do) and there is absolutely no money for gifts this year either. Those aren't the things that are bugging me though. This year will be different because my husband and the father of my children won't be here. Our family is fractured, and it is glaringly obvious during holidays.

I'm not sure I'll even drag out our tree and put up. I know the girls would like it, but I really don't want this stupid 7 foot looming tree of gloom in my living room. I know it would only remind me of how bad things are for us right now.

I hate watching TV because of all the couples that are shown. I hate being in public and seeing two people hold each other. I lay in bed at night and fume with anger. He stole so many things from me, and I hate him for it. I was happy and my life was everything that I had ever wanted. Sure, we were broke most of the time, but that never mattered to me. I had a man I loved and who loved me, and we were starting a family together. Our daughter was born 2 weeks before Christmas, and even though I still hurt incredibly bad from the cesarean, it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. Why did he take that away from me? Why was our love cast aside like trash? The most important things in my life was my marriage and my family...he has torn those away from me. Through abuse, he severed my family and ripped my marriage into shreds. He never had the right to destroy my dreams and my happiness.

So what I'm thinking about this year are all the things I don't have. No more evenings sitting on the couch sipping hot cocoa and talking, no cuddling together in the cold of Montana winters, no lazy winter days as lovers. All of that is gone. Now I sit on the couch alone, wrapped in my afghan being reminded of all the times it held both of us. I wake up at night cold and shivering, and there is no warm body there to help me stay warm, instead I have to get another blanket or just shiver.

When I am sitting, wrapped in my afghan, I am mad. I cry hot tears of burning anger. I am so angry at him...he stole what I cherished most in this world. How can I ever forgive him? I don't think there is a worse offense he could have committed against me. Burn my house down, take all my money, break my legs, kill me...but don't ever take away my love and safety. Nothing could have hurt me more than having my husband ripped out of my arms. It still hurts when I realize all over again that I lost my husband. The kind and gentle man who loved me and intertwined his heart with mine is gone...he is gone and all that is left is a monster who is hateful and mean, but looks exactly like him. I am still deeply in love with my husband...but I hate the man who looks like him with every fiber of my being.

I think of it as if this man murdered the man I married. They are nothing alike. It is too painful to think that the hand that threatened to beat me to death is the same hand that used to caress my face so tenderly. The eyes that used to well with tears while he expressed his love for me couldn't possibly be the same eyes that filled with hatred and rage towards me. It just don't seem possible that the kindest most loving man I've ever met could be the same man who towered over me with a hammer in his hand telling me I deserved to die. I just can't accept it is the same man. My husband is dead, and I don't know who this asshole is who is pretending to be him...but I hate him.

I am doing everything in my power to ignore Christmas. I keep my curtains closed at night so I don't see the neighbor's holiday lights. I don't watch the news because I don't want to see anything that has to do with holiday shoppers or the holiday. I am pretending it is still October. My daughter turns 4 in just 5 days...I am ignoring that too. How do I acknowledge that her father won't be here to celebrate with her? She is our child, we created her together in an act of love...and now he isn't even here to witness her growing.

The only thing I'm looking forward to this Christmas, is it finally being over.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Hot headed in paradise

If you're involved in the online world of sex bloggers, or visit the forums at Eden Fantasys, then you are probably aware of a fairly recent small security leak.

I have chosen for the most part to stay out of this, and honestly I don't see, for the life of me, why so many people are so upset. The document that went public had some info about 60 bloggers on it. I won't go into all the details and type everything here, instead I'll just direct you to a letter from the owner, entitled Security.

The thing that gets me is that this was such a small scale leak, and it was only available to the public for 10 minutes. It was removed and deleted as soon as the breach was discovered, and while eden could delete all posts made about the topic, they have not. I have had information lost by extremely large businesses in the past (think one of the 3 largest banks in the nation) and I did receive a letter of notice a week after it happened...there never was an apology and it included all of my banking history with them, including my address and name, bank account numbers and social security number. Same thing when the government lost the information of my VA apology and two weeks for a letter of notice.

Are all of these sex bloggers as vulnerable as they think they are? How many followers does it take to be "popular?" I'm sorry, but anything under 1000 is a VERY small number of people, and the likely hood of any of them living anywhere close to you is very slim. People who tend to get stalkers are exposed to way more people than sex bloggers. I'm sorry, but I don't see why people with a handful of readers are so pissed about their addresses getting out. And yes, I do realize that I have a very very small number of visitors to my site.

I'm not saying that there is no chance of these people having stalkers, and the concern is's just been blown out of proportion. Very few people saw the document, and very few people even know who those 60 people are. I have not seen very much in ways of level headed judgment during this.

For example, eden states that an email concerning the issue will be sent out to those who were on the list. People then get pissed when they receive the email and it does not state directly "you were on the list." Why did eden send out the email in the first place? Probably because of all the super pissed people who were ranting in the eden forums...people who had read an email would be sent out to those who had been effected. After the uproar over the email not stating "you were on the list" eden staff replied saying once again, the email was sent out ONLY to those on the list, so if you didn't get one, you weren't on it. I thought it was pretty clear from the get why are people still pissed over this?

It was a mistake, no it shouldn't have happened, but it did. Everyone should be thankful it was on such a small scale and was dealt with so quickly. People are pissed because it wasn't handled "right." I'm beginning to think that nothing would have been good enough to satisfy the people who were outraged over it. Eden has apologized repeatedly, they deleted the document as soon as they found out it had happened, and they have been working around the clock to make sure it never happens again all the while trying to deal with all the heated and negative comments being left on the forum...what else could they possibly do? Are the bloggers who were on the list expecting monetary compensation in addition to the free toys they already received? Hell, my bank never even said "we're sorry this happened!"

The whole deal reminds me a lot of little kids on the playground fighting over who gets what toy. It starts out as "I'd like to play with that" and before long it has turned into screaming, hair pulling, biting, and shouts of "MINE!" I think this small leak has been blown WAY out of proportion. It happened, it was fixed, and steps are currently being taken to ensure it never happens again...ITS OVER!!! Why continue being mad? It is over with and eden has been much kinder than they had to (or should have).

Are people sitting back being silent observers? Perhaps many people just DON'T FREAKING CARE! I don't care about it, because there is nothing to care about. It is over with, and I can see absolutely no sense in beating a dead ain't gonna get up and start running again! (and no, I do NOT advocate hurting animals). I'm confused why people are still dragging this out. What's the point in staying pissed over it? Kinda like the whole deal concerning AAG, why were so many people so pissed over something that was honestly none of their freaking business? I don't feel that any of that should have been displayed out in front of the world, kinda like I feel the person who first discovered there was a security leak should have notified eden instead of spreading the link around asap.

I have had some communications with Fred before this whole thing happened, and due to a family tragedy (my husband trying to kill me) I did not respond (still meaning to email, just haven't done it yet). All I saw was that he cares a lot about his business (like anyone in his position would) and he seemed very courteous and level headed. I honestly think Eden has done a fantastic job in spite of all the crap from people in the community and sex bloggers who were involved.

Well, that's how I see this mess. I know lots of people disagree, but that's okay :) I just think it's time to let the smoke settle instead of continually stirring it up again...Please! I'd like some fresh air for a change. What about you? Tell me how you see it (post anonymously if you'd like, I don't care). Do you think it should be allowed to die out so we can all move on? Or do you enjoy the smoke?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Illegal sex is HOT sex!

Illegal sex...what exactly does that mean? Well, most of the time it means rape or statutory rape, but what I'm talking about is sex with someone the court has ordered to stay away from you. Yes...I had sex with my abusive husband. Stupid I know. I couldn't help it, I get soooooo feakin' horny when I ovulate. I have had sex with him three times during the past couple weeks.

The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.

We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.

Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.

I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.

I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.

Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."

Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.

I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :D

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Pastor from Hell

Okay, I am still wishy washy...My resolve for divorce has waned again. I have been bouncing between wanting my husband to get help and just wanting a divorce. I am back to wanting it to workout again, despite knowing that only 3% of abusive men ever change (or so I've heard from counselors in the past).

My husband had been talking with a pastor...the title kinda gives this away...any who, said pastor called me two weeks ago. I had thought my husband talking to a minister would be a positive thing...turns out it wasn't. I have never talked to a pastor before who claimed to be the smartest person on the face of this planet...well, now I have.

This guy knows that I've been in an abusive marriage for nearly 4 years, so you know what he proceeds to talk about? He questions my salvation. The phrase "you claim to be a Christian" came up more times than I'd like to count. He asked me what I believed the gospel meant, I told him, but obviously I'm too stupid to understand it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm going to hell and that I don't love God. WTF? He does not know anything about me, he doesn't know how I live my daily life, or what the condition of my heart is. At least I know I don't go calling up battered women and tell them how worthless they are and they are doomed to hell. This guy is no man of God, but I think he thinks he is God. His attitude is exactly what the Bible says should not be. He is judgmental, condemning others, talks his own praise, says others are stupid...all thing the Bible plainly says are wrong.

This guy focused on the part in the Bible that talks about the woman being submissive to her husband but he totally skipped over the part about the husband serving his wife as Jesus served the church. It's because of guys like this why many people hate Christians or think they are all bigots. I think he is hateful, prideful, and a definite sexist (which the Bible DOES NOT teach). He makes me sick. I am not worthless, even going off of the Bible alone I have great worth. If God is all knowing and all powerful, how could something he created and loves dearly be considered worthless? The Bible says God loves all people, but hates some of the things they do.

This guy gave me an example of how wrong my behaviour is, which by the way, he knows nothing about me and has never even met me in person. He told me that if a child disobeys the parent, that is solid proof the child does not love the parent. This really scares me, because this guy is a parent of 3 children under the age of 3. How could any person with a child be THIS freaking ignorant? Children disobey because it is in their nature, it is how they learn. It has nothing to do with their love...NOTHING! Just because my daughter refuses to pick up a toy, does not mean she doesn't love me. Anyone who has spent any time with small children should understand this simply from observing them play. It's like saying I wouldn't love my child if she spilled her Kool-Aid on the floor. could someone be so out of touch and get these radical and stupid ideas out of the Bible when they aren't even there? This guy seems to pick a few words out of a verse and twist the meaning on it to suit what HE wants.

The biggest area where this guy is screwing things up, is with his beliefs on depression. He thinks depression is a matter of the heart and therapists are all atheist. He basically said that therapists that "claim" to be Christian are going against God. He also referred to antidepressants and talk therapy as "bandages" that only mask the problem but don't heal it. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he was a fucking idiot. There I sat with steam coming out of my ears, and so pissed my face must have been bright red. I didn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him off more than anything, but my lack of confidence wouldn't let me openly question him.

I was so pissed when I learned that my husband has been wanting to get into therapy and this ass is telling him not to. This pastor actually told my husband that he wouldn't help him at all if he went to anyone else for help. He told my husband to go off of his antidepressant medication and told him not to go to anger management or domestic abuse classes. There have been signs that my husband might actually change...mostly that he has been accepting responsibility for what he did. His crying doesn't change my mind at all as it has been a manipulation tactic in the past. It's the "I know you aren't at fault for what I've done" comments that really get to me.

I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my husband has not been getting help. Is this all a farce and he never planned on getting help? Or is it that the "pastor" was really holding him back so badly? I haven't gotten any of my info on the pastor from my husband. He has called me twice and all my knowledge about what has went on between them is straight from this guy's mouth. I do know that he has been threatening not to help my husband if he gets therapy. I also know the ignorant shit he told me. It is a real possibility that going to this guy is the reason why my husband is not currently in any therapy and living at a homeless shelter (no joke, he really is living at the local homeless shelter until he can make enough money to support our current bills AND an apartment).

Thankfully my husband finally pissed off the pastor by questioning his beliefs about depression and treatment. I'm hoping this means he also leaves me alone, but that may just be wishful thinking. We are still talking on the phone some, and I had suggested a church to him that has been recommended to me. We can't go to the same church because of the no contact order (which we are ignoring by talking over the phone, but it isn't as obvious as being seen together in public after all). Anyways, he has attended the Thanksgiving service at this particular church and received a lot of encouragement from the assistant pastor and some of the congregation that he has spoken with. I don't know to what point he has informed them about the situation, but I know he has discussed the abuse with the pastor and has a meeting set up to speak with him further.

This new church that he is attending is a community focused church. This means that instead of sending missionaries to Africa or India, they help out in the community and minister to people in need here. I think that is probably one of the best places he could seek help from right now. His ex-pastor had a "do what I say to prove you are good enough, then I might help you" kind of attitude where this pastor has a "let me help you" attitude period. I'm hoping some positive things happen as a result of this.

I see that the ownership of what happened is there, and I see that he really gets what he has lost and how much better his life was back before he became abusive. The biggest problem is that so much of the abuse became second nature to him. He didn't stop and think about it, he just said the hurtful things automatically. It would take a lot of hard work to reprogram himself to think of me and consider me before opening his mouth. I know he has a lot of problems...but nothing justifies threatening to hurt someone or saying hurtful things consistently throughout the day. I think he has the building blocks to change, it's just that I don't know if he is willing to do the work that it would take to undo all the bad behavior and replace it with good and positive behavior.

Right now he is taking his antidepressants (he hasn't picked up the 2nd generation one yet because of lack of money, so it's just the Welbutrin XL that he's on now) and he is going to church and reading two books about healing from domestic abuse and changing the bad behavior. I know staying at the homeless shelter is something that he really didn't want to do, so I am a little impressed that he has been staying there. He also got a much better job, although he has to yet sell his first car (yes, he is a used car salesmen...those guys make better money than one would assume actually...). He has only worked there a few days though, and he does have several sales lined up where he is just waiting on the other people to get their financing approved from their bank or similar situations.

I know he has been thinking some about what things used to be like between us. He has brought it up when we've talked over the phone. He told me that he had forgotten how he used to feel towards me, and says that it is a big shock to think about exactly what it was that he lost by being abusive to me. I don't want to have false hope, but I can't help from thinking that he is starting to see how badly he fucked up his life.

Time will tell what happens here...I just really hate all the waiting. I am very thankful however that he is done with talking to that demented minister.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Super long post...

I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.

I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.

No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.

I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.

My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.

Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).

It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.

Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.

I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.

I looked online ( actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.

I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.

If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).

I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.

My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.

Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.

I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.

The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.

I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.

Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.

Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I've got nothing clever here...

My brain is pretty fried. Maybe it was all the candy I sucked in over Halloween, perhaps it twas the head cold I contracted, or most likely, both combined. My brain isn't working right though, I know that much. I sit and just space out...kinda like I'm doing now.

I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.

My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "Power Penis" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...

The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like this, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.

My brain is still I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The stress diet

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning. Me with my frizzed bed hair, my puffy swollen throat and my red sore nose, all hunched over and pathetic like, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Clothed in only my stretch marks and scars, I gasped when I saw what it read. 188 pounds. Three weeks ago I weighed in at 203 lbs.

I would say that this is the time I've lost weight the fastest. I guess that's what happens when you vomit several times per day and are shaking too badly to eat anything. My first week went with me eating virtually nothing. There were days I didn't even manage to get down an 8 oz glass of water, other days I managed to force a spoon full or two of food down my throat. It was horrid, probably one of the most nerve wracking times in my life. The second week I was managing to eat almost half as much food at each meal as my children would eat. This third week I am actually eating as much if not a tiny bit more than my children now.

In 3 and a half weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I would not suggest trying this, as it is about the unhealthiest way to loose weight I can think of besides purging after every meal. I don't feel very good either. I have been really tired and weak and have not been sleeping very well either. My motivation has really sunk through the floor.

Now that I've begun eating a little better, I got sick! Yesterday morning I felt like I had tried to swallow steel wool and razor blades the way my throat felt. I did nothing besides lie on the couch and try to drink lots of hot liquids. My throat was all red and swollen and it only got worse as the day went on. By last evening the mucous had started sliding down my throat making things worse. Blowing my nose produced bright yellow snot...not exactly a good sign. I've always been told that any other color besides clear means a doctor visit...but seriously, like I can afford that right now. If it turns green or bloody then I'll think about going in for it. A little sinus infection never hurt anybody...right? he ha, lets hope it doesn't get worse.

Last night I had fever dreams...ugh, they were horrid. I dreamt I was homeless and living in a shelter, only it looked like it had been taken straight from a Mad Max movie. I walked outside and was going to go to town to find a job, when bugs started biting me. I looked at my right arm and there was a beetle looking thing trying to burrow into my skin. I squeezed it out like a bad zit and as I did it released some yellowish looking foam onto me. The yellow stuff bubbled up on my skin then did like acid and burned a bloody hole through my skin exposing muscle and bone. I looked over at my left arm and saw all these huge bloody sores and I could see the bugs buried deep within them. Then the yellowish foam was released again and it started burning all the flesh off my arm leaving ragged hunks of hide and destroyed muscle with bone exposed. I screamed and woke up.

The dream had been incredibly vivid and lifelike. When I woke up I was lying in a puddle of sweat in the sheets. I was shaking and really upset still. All my worst nightmares have bugs or worms in them. I think the only one I've had worse than this one was the dream where maggots were crawling around underneath my skin and doctors had to cut my skin off and scrape all the maggots off of me. Why do I have dreams like this? Couldn't I just have normal dreams? After last night I can't believe I was complaining about the sex dreams I had about my husband. I'll take those over nightmares any night. Ick...ick, ick ick. Bug dreams suck.

I have so much to do, so many people to call. I have been avoiding talking though, with my throat as sore as it is. I have some numbing cough drops, but I hate using them because then I'm worried about what damage I'm doing to myself while numbed. I got a summons for jury duty...of all the freakin' times to get it, why the hell does it have to be now? I know they won't pick me, the whole my husband being arrested for a crime against me thing...but still, why do I have to go in for them to tell me they don't want me? My mom wants me to call and talk to the court house, but I've been putting it off. I have a serious thing against talking on the phone to people that aren't friends or family. I get that from my dad, no secret there that he hates talking over the phone too.

It is weird to think that I only have 38 pounds left until I reach my goal for weight. I've lost 47 pounds so far since I first started dieting at the beginning of this calender year. 8 more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when I got pregnant the first time. 150 is what I was when I met my husband and got married, 125 when I was in high school, but that was underweight for my height. I think 150 is a good goal weight for me, it is the healthy weight for a woman 5'8" with average bone structure after all. Once I reach 150 I'll see how I feel and if I need to tone up or build muscle then I will. Right now I'm not worrying about it too much.

I am sick and feeling like crap...think I'll go take a nap for a couple hours until my daughter gets home from preschool. I had better be over this by the weekend...I will be uber pissed if I can't go visit my folks and get my kitten.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My first GLASS dildo!!

Okay, I finally did it. I requested to review a glass dildo from EdenFantasys. I must say that it is a gorgeous looking dildo. I tried to pick something that wasn't too expensive but had zero reviews OR customer comments. I ended up picking the Clear ribbed G-spot wonder. It looks like it has an amazing shape to it, and the little nubs looked like fun. I want to try a glass dildo that is smooth and one with a swirled texture too at some point, but I wanted to start with the nubbed variety first. There are a couple glass dildos I have been lusting after for quite sometime, but I just can't force myself to ask eden to send me a free toy that costs over $200. In fact this dildo will be the most expensive free toy I've received from them.

The buyout option is awesome, let me tell you. I haven't purchased anything with it yet, but I will use that when I finally do purchase my dream dildo the Prince Valiant. I have never seen anything more sexy or stunningly beautiful in my life. I choke up at the $330 bucks it would take to buy it however. I have promised myself that once I am enrolled in college that I will save up money and buy this dildo for myself. The Prince Valiant is to be my reward for getting my independence back. I can't think of a better reward than this amazing piece of art. I think I will buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the day I order my is just that awesome of a dildo. Once I do have it, I'm not sure if I'll go hide it in my bedroom with the other toys. That looks like the kind of thing you would have in an expensive display case where everyone can marvel at it's beauty...but I would like to use it too so that may shoot that down ;)

Anyways, I am super excited to get the glass dildo. I will be leaving for my parent's place this weekend, so hopefully it comes before then. The delivery date calculator says it will come on Friday, so I'll most likely get it on Thursday. No matter when it comes I will wait until I've gotten it before I leave my house for a few days. There is no way I'll leave a box on my step over Halloween...too likely it would get stolen or smashed. I would hate to see anything happen to my first glass toy besides. I can't wait to get my greedy little hands on glass :D

I LOVE EdenFantasys!!!!

It's true...I love EdenFantasys. I missed out on the I Trust Campaign as far as writing a piece for the forums, but I wanted to say on here why I love those people so much.

Through my separation they have been incredibly understanding and responded very quickly to me. It was very hard for me to focus and I couldn't get reviews out as quickly as usual, but they were understanding about it. I sent them a message to let them know I would no longer be able to review male specific or couples' toys, and I got a kind reply message the very next day. In fact I have always gotten very quick and polite replies to my messages to edenfantasys, no matter if they are in system messages or emails.

Everything is fast, not just the replies. When I request an assignment through in system messaging I get a reply within 24 hours and often it is assigned the very same day I receive the reply message. For example late last night I sent a message requesting a very nice looking glass dildo. This morning I had a message stating it was approved and assigned. I went and looked, and sure enough, there it sat in my assignment list. I accepted it and about 30 minutes later received an email alerting me that it had been sent to shipping. I don't know these people, but I can tell you that they have impressed me with their quickness and politeness in all areas. I know that once the dildo is shipped it will be packaged carefully like all my other packages have been and it will arrive in two to three days. Shipping is a big deal for me. I like that it's discreet, but I love that it's fast. I live all the way across the country from the warehouse, so I am very impressed when I receive my toy 3 days from when I order them.

One reason why I stay at eden's is the amazing community. Throughout this whole separation deal I have received words of wisdom and encouragement from fellow community members. Now it might not be a big deal to some people, but this means the world to me. I am proud to be part of such a positive and kind community. Everyone has been so helpful and the forums are a great place to get information, tips, advice, or just to hang out and chat.

I have to mention the sorting features too. I love being able to filter out jelly toys or just look for cocks of certain sizes, colors, prices, material, and safety. It makes it so easy to find the perfect toy! I love to just window shop at edens. I have spent hours looking through all the toys and deciding which ones look like they would be a great fit for me. This brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of eden's the reviews.

The reviews! The amazing reviews! I don't know how many times I've thought a toy looked good then read a couple reviews and decided not to waste my money. Of course there have been times I ignored the reviews and bought a product that I wanted to try despite the negative reviews it received. That is how I ended up with the climax bursts lubes, which I hated. The reviews were absolutely correct, and I should have heeded them. I have found some excellent toys that I might not have considered before when I read the excellent reviews for them. I found my favorite lube, Maximus, by reading reviews. I have made some very good and informed purchases based off of some very well written and informative reviews from fellow contributors. If after reading a review I have any questions, I can always leave a comment or send a message to that reviewer. I have made use of this system a lot, and it has often been the deciding factor in my purchase of that particular product.

So much to love about a great place. To all the people who run the site, you deserve a big HUGE KUDOS! Awesome job guys, for a fantastic site that is so helpful, informative, and easy to shop at.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Wibbly wobbly once more...

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...