Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The stress diet

I was shocked when I stepped on the scale this morning. Me with my frizzed bed hair, my puffy swollen throat and my red sore nose, all hunched over and pathetic like, I stepped onto the bathroom scale. Clothed in only my stretch marks and scars, I gasped when I saw what it read. 188 pounds. Three weeks ago I weighed in at 203 lbs.

I would say that this is the time I've lost weight the fastest. I guess that's what happens when you vomit several times per day and are shaking too badly to eat anything. My first week went with me eating virtually nothing. There were days I didn't even manage to get down an 8 oz glass of water, other days I managed to force a spoon full or two of food down my throat. It was horrid, probably one of the most nerve wracking times in my life. The second week I was managing to eat almost half as much food at each meal as my children would eat. This third week I am actually eating as much if not a tiny bit more than my children now.

In 3 and a half weeks I have lost 15 lbs. I would not suggest trying this, as it is about the unhealthiest way to loose weight I can think of besides purging after every meal. I don't feel very good either. I have been really tired and weak and have not been sleeping very well either. My motivation has really sunk through the floor.

Now that I've begun eating a little better, I got sick! Yesterday morning I felt like I had tried to swallow steel wool and razor blades the way my throat felt. I did nothing besides lie on the couch and try to drink lots of hot liquids. My throat was all red and swollen and it only got worse as the day went on. By last evening the mucous had started sliding down my throat making things worse. Blowing my nose produced bright yellow snot...not exactly a good sign. I've always been told that any other color besides clear means a doctor visit...but seriously, like I can afford that right now. If it turns green or bloody then I'll think about going in for it. A little sinus infection never hurt anybody...right? he ha, lets hope it doesn't get worse.

Last night I had fever dreams...ugh, they were horrid. I dreamt I was homeless and living in a shelter, only it looked like it had been taken straight from a Mad Max movie. I walked outside and was going to go to town to find a job, when bugs started biting me. I looked at my right arm and there was a beetle looking thing trying to burrow into my skin. I squeezed it out like a bad zit and as I did it released some yellowish looking foam onto me. The yellow stuff bubbled up on my skin then did like acid and burned a bloody hole through my skin exposing muscle and bone. I looked over at my left arm and saw all these huge bloody sores and I could see the bugs buried deep within them. Then the yellowish foam was released again and it started burning all the flesh off my arm leaving ragged hunks of hide and destroyed muscle with bone exposed. I screamed and woke up.

The dream had been incredibly vivid and lifelike. When I woke up I was lying in a puddle of sweat in the sheets. I was shaking and really upset still. All my worst nightmares have bugs or worms in them. I think the only one I've had worse than this one was the dream where maggots were crawling around underneath my skin and doctors had to cut my skin off and scrape all the maggots off of me. Why do I have dreams like this? Couldn't I just have normal dreams? After last night I can't believe I was complaining about the sex dreams I had about my husband. I'll take those over nightmares any night. Ick...ick, ick ick. Bug dreams suck.

I have so much to do, so many people to call. I have been avoiding talking though, with my throat as sore as it is. I have some numbing cough drops, but I hate using them because then I'm worried about what damage I'm doing to myself while numbed. I got a summons for jury duty...of all the freakin' times to get it, why the hell does it have to be now? I know they won't pick me, the whole my husband being arrested for a crime against me thing...but still, why do I have to go in for them to tell me they don't want me? My mom wants me to call and talk to the court house, but I've been putting it off. I have a serious thing against talking on the phone to people that aren't friends or family. I get that from my dad, no secret there that he hates talking over the phone too.

It is weird to think that I only have 38 pounds left until I reach my goal for weight. I've lost 47 pounds so far since I first started dieting at the beginning of this calender year. 8 more pounds and I'll weigh what I did when I got pregnant the first time. 150 is what I was when I met my husband and got married, 125 when I was in high school, but that was underweight for my height. I think 150 is a good goal weight for me, it is the healthy weight for a woman 5'8" with average bone structure after all. Once I reach 150 I'll see how I feel and if I need to tone up or build muscle then I will. Right now I'm not worrying about it too much.

I am sick and feeling like crap...think I'll go take a nap for a couple hours until my daughter gets home from preschool. I had better be over this by the weekend...I will be uber pissed if I can't go visit my folks and get my kitten.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

My first GLASS dildo!!

Okay, I finally did it. I requested to review a glass dildo from EdenFantasys. I must say that it is a gorgeous looking dildo. I tried to pick something that wasn't too expensive but had zero reviews OR customer comments. I ended up picking the Clear ribbed G-spot wonder. It looks like it has an amazing shape to it, and the little nubs looked like fun. I want to try a glass dildo that is smooth and one with a swirled texture too at some point, but I wanted to start with the nubbed variety first. There are a couple glass dildos I have been lusting after for quite sometime, but I just can't force myself to ask eden to send me a free toy that costs over $200. In fact this dildo will be the most expensive free toy I've received from them.

The buyout option is awesome, let me tell you. I haven't purchased anything with it yet, but I will use that when I finally do purchase my dream dildo the Prince Valiant. I have never seen anything more sexy or stunningly beautiful in my life. I choke up at the $330 bucks it would take to buy it however. I have promised myself that once I am enrolled in college that I will save up money and buy this dildo for myself. The Prince Valiant is to be my reward for getting my independence back. I can't think of a better reward than this amazing piece of art. I think I will buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate the day I order my is just that awesome of a dildo. Once I do have it, I'm not sure if I'll go hide it in my bedroom with the other toys. That looks like the kind of thing you would have in an expensive display case where everyone can marvel at it's beauty...but I would like to use it too so that may shoot that down ;)

Anyways, I am super excited to get the glass dildo. I will be leaving for my parent's place this weekend, so hopefully it comes before then. The delivery date calculator says it will come on Friday, so I'll most likely get it on Thursday. No matter when it comes I will wait until I've gotten it before I leave my house for a few days. There is no way I'll leave a box on my step over Halloween...too likely it would get stolen or smashed. I would hate to see anything happen to my first glass toy besides. I can't wait to get my greedy little hands on glass :D

I LOVE EdenFantasys!!!!

It's true...I love EdenFantasys. I missed out on the I Trust Campaign as far as writing a piece for the forums, but I wanted to say on here why I love those people so much.

Through my separation they have been incredibly understanding and responded very quickly to me. It was very hard for me to focus and I couldn't get reviews out as quickly as usual, but they were understanding about it. I sent them a message to let them know I would no longer be able to review male specific or couples' toys, and I got a kind reply message the very next day. In fact I have always gotten very quick and polite replies to my messages to edenfantasys, no matter if they are in system messages or emails.

Everything is fast, not just the replies. When I request an assignment through in system messaging I get a reply within 24 hours and often it is assigned the very same day I receive the reply message. For example late last night I sent a message requesting a very nice looking glass dildo. This morning I had a message stating it was approved and assigned. I went and looked, and sure enough, there it sat in my assignment list. I accepted it and about 30 minutes later received an email alerting me that it had been sent to shipping. I don't know these people, but I can tell you that they have impressed me with their quickness and politeness in all areas. I know that once the dildo is shipped it will be packaged carefully like all my other packages have been and it will arrive in two to three days. Shipping is a big deal for me. I like that it's discreet, but I love that it's fast. I live all the way across the country from the warehouse, so I am very impressed when I receive my toy 3 days from when I order them.

One reason why I stay at eden's is the amazing community. Throughout this whole separation deal I have received words of wisdom and encouragement from fellow community members. Now it might not be a big deal to some people, but this means the world to me. I am proud to be part of such a positive and kind community. Everyone has been so helpful and the forums are a great place to get information, tips, advice, or just to hang out and chat.

I have to mention the sorting features too. I love being able to filter out jelly toys or just look for cocks of certain sizes, colors, prices, material, and safety. It makes it so easy to find the perfect toy! I love to just window shop at edens. I have spent hours looking through all the toys and deciding which ones look like they would be a great fit for me. This brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of eden's the reviews.

The reviews! The amazing reviews! I don't know how many times I've thought a toy looked good then read a couple reviews and decided not to waste my money. Of course there have been times I ignored the reviews and bought a product that I wanted to try despite the negative reviews it received. That is how I ended up with the climax bursts lubes, which I hated. The reviews were absolutely correct, and I should have heeded them. I have found some excellent toys that I might not have considered before when I read the excellent reviews for them. I found my favorite lube, Maximus, by reading reviews. I have made some very good and informed purchases based off of some very well written and informative reviews from fellow contributors. If after reading a review I have any questions, I can always leave a comment or send a message to that reviewer. I have made use of this system a lot, and it has often been the deciding factor in my purchase of that particular product.

So much to love about a great place. To all the people who run the site, you deserve a big HUGE KUDOS! Awesome job guys, for a fantastic site that is so helpful, informative, and easy to shop at.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Wibbly wobbly once more...

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Shitty days

These past couple days have been shit. There was one day where I felt really great. I was on top of the world with everything working well. The next day I take my 2 year-old to her exam...guess what? she has a heart murmur. The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about since there's nothing we can do for it right now anyway. She is to go back in 2 weeks for some tests to find out how bad it is. I also will be taking my other daughter in as well so they can both be tested for lead poisoning. My oldest daughter chews...on wood...this house was built in 1949...not good, really not good.

The other horrible thing that has happened was my oldest daughter ran out into the street. We live on a really busy one-way street, so our doors are kept locked all hours of the day and night. Both girls can open the deadbolt locks, so we installed flip locks near the top of the doors where they can not be reached. My daughter pulled a dining room chair through the living room to the front door. She used the chair to reach the flip lock, drug the chair back out of the way, opened the door, and ran out and stood in the street. Both girls had been asleep taking naps, and I was in the back yard trying to get some yard work done. I have baby monitors, but she was quiet enough that I didn't hear her leave her room. A stranger stopped and grabbed her out of the street and brought her back into the house (she had left the door wide open) and alerted me. If that man had not stopped and helped my daughter, she would probably be dead right now. I can not begin to express how hard I shook from fright when I learned what had happened.

I have been thinking and trying to rack my brain as to why she would run out of the house like she did. Things have been pretty upset and different since my husband was arrested. The girls ask about him some, but the oldest daughter is the one who always asks "Daddy at work?" "where Daddy?" I know she misses him, they both do. Hell, as mad as I get at him, I still miss him. Change is hard, especially when they are too young to be able to understand what is going on or why. I have explained it best I can, trying to be simple and reassure them whenever I think they need it. I simply told my oldest daughter that Daddy has some problems that he needs to fix, and because of those problems he can't live with us. I assured her that he still loves her and that this has nothing to do with them as it is his problem and only he is responsible for it. So with that being upsetting for her, she was also angry about not being outside. We had been out in the yard earlier and she kept trying to go outside of the fence. I warned her that if she opened the gate one more time that we would go inside. Well, she opened the gate and went outside the fence, so we went inside with her kicking and screaming the whole way. She was very angry at me, and I put her in her room for a nap. She screamed for awhile and finally fell asleep. Both girls were down for a nap and I had a lot of work to do, so I went back out and got started.

I have not slept very well since that day. I worry every time I go into the bathroom or go into the basement where I can't see her constantly. I will buy some padlocks and latch things to put on both doors on the inside so I can lock up at night so she can't get out. I will need to keep the key on me at all times, and think I may just wear it on a chain around my neck. The padlocks was a suggestion the pediatrician made, and I will do it as soon as I get enough cash to buy the stuff to do it with.

Finding out about my youngest girl's heart murmur coupled with my oldest daughter running out of the house and all the stress and worry from the separation has really fucked up my emotions. I did not sleep last night. I couldn't sleep so I finally just decided to stay up and watch tv until I passed out. I finally fell asleep after 6:00 am until the girls got up around 7:30 am. I didn't do anything today. I didn't clean, I didn't shower, I didn't cook, I didn't do anything. We had cold cereal and sandwiches to eat today. I was so depressed and blue that I just lay on the couch and cried most of the day. Again I am up late. It is nearly 2:30 am the next day, and I still feel like I can't sleep. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, and it looks like it'll be the same story tonight.

I really need tomorrow to go well. I need to think of something fun to do, something uplifting and encouraging. Fuck...why does everything have to be so hard sometimes? I am ready for a good day again. Even if I don't sleep tonight, I will still go lie in bed and pretend to sleep. Maybe that will be more restful than sitting at the computer...ha ha, yeah right...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Finally starting to move forward.

The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.

I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.

I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.

It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.

Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Alive and kicking, despite it all.

Okay, I'll admit it...I ran away from my problems for a couple days. I went to visit my parents and left all the crap and headache here. Apparently it was so nice as to wait for me. When I got home I discovered my internet was shut off. Of course that was Saturday evening so I couldn't do anything about it Sunday. Today I went and paid the internet company and they turned it back on for me...though I have no idea for how long. I will be behind again at the beginning of next month, and it's not like my husband is giving me any money for bills...or food for that matter.

I have had a drastic change in attitude this past week. I went from missing my husband and hoping things worked out to wishing he met with an untimely accident. It is very evil of me to think about it, but honestly things would be much better for me right now if he got ran over and died. Chances are that he will not change, meaning he will spend the rest of his life miserable and abusive. I will always have to deal with him trying to interfere and messing with the children's lives. Plus, if he kicked the can, I would get $250,000.00 from his life insurance. It is terrible that I have actually wished for his demise, but it is difficult to feel compassion for a man who has basically abandoned his wife and children.

We have no money for anything. Okay, that's not true. I have about $150 in cash for food and diapers. Who knows when I'll be getting any more money, so that is what I have to try and live on. He puts something into the account, then he withdraws and causes overdrafts. Within one week he had overdrawn the account TWICE!!!! In one week, he managed to screw the finances over. I am a little confused why he needs over half of the money, but me and the two children can live on shit? I am really confused, but aren't they his children too? Perhaps he doesn't care if they starve?

My general attitude now is that he can fuck off and die for all I care, as long as he leaves me and the girls alone. I do not trust him, nor will I ever trust him. I would have to be stupid to trust him after everything that has happened. Going back and thinking about our marriage, I am pissed off that he would think it okay to treat me the way he has. I actually believed no man would ever want me, I actually started to believe that I was crazy and had no right or place in life. I think now that he would be hard pressed to prove to me that I am not worth something. I am not the smartest, or the most talented, or the sexiest woman on the face of this earth, but you know what? I sure as hell am not the stupidest, or the ugliest, or worthless. I have worth...every human being has worth solely because they exist. Being born is enough reason to be priceless and cherished.

I've been thinking about moving on...about how hard it will be, but how exciting it will be at the same time. I can't describe how liberating it feels to know that I could find someone who wouldn't push me away all the time, someone who really would love and value me for who I am. Men like that do's just trying to find one who is available. Ha, I think most women could attest to that being the hard part...dig through the shit until you find a diamond.

I finally got my late review submitted today. I had been so out of sorts for a while, and hadn't got it done. I had made up my mind to do it after I got back from my mini vacation, until I got home and found the internet turned off. At least that's done and over with now. Now to review the cock ring for which I have no cock to try it out on...I guess I'll just put what I can, and admit that I don't have a cock :(

I've made my list for a man I would consider marrying. It is long, I'll admit it. Heck I might as well put it on here.

The Man I Would Consent to Marry...

1) must be intelligent enough to carry a witty conversation and be able to understand my jokes.
2) must have a healthy self-esteem and be confident of himself
3) must be able to take care of himself and be able to make large and small decision responsibly
4) must be polite and respectful to others even if his viewpoint does not match theirs
5) must be passionate about life and be able to be optimistic in times of upheaval
6) must have a gentle and loving spirit
7) must place great value on the trust and respect that I bestow upon him
8) must be honest above all else, even if it causes conflict
9) must hold family in high regard and be very committed to a peaceful and loving home life
10) must not discourage my faith or beliefs
11) must allow me the satisfaction of pleasing him WITHOUT the fear of constant rejection
12) must be able to see the "big picture" and not focus on small disagreements
13) must be able to love and accept my girls without showing blatant favoritism for his biological children, whether or not those children are with me
14) must be supportive and uplifting to me in times of need
15) must not swear at me or raise his voice to me or call me names
16) must end a confrontation if I begin to cry or show signs of defeat or fear, realizing that no argument is worth causing permanent harm to the relationship
17) must not ignore me or walk away while I am talking
18) must not knowingly cause me pain, physical or emotional
19) must be fun to be around and be able to laugh openly and honestly
20) must value kind gestures over expensive gifts
21) must be able to trust me completely without holding back

That's all :P

Monday, October 13, 2008

pluggin' away at life, one day at a time

It felt good to get that stuff off my chest last night. I thought I would sleep better, but I didn't. I still miss my husband. I am hoping this gets easier. Some nights it gets so hard, I think about calling him. I know I can't though. I just keep telling myself that calling him would only make things matter how worried I get about him or how badly I miss him.

It is difficult trying to put myself and the children first. I've been the only person my husband has really had to count on, and it feels so foreign to me to consider myself before him. I've excused a lot of the emotional abuse from him because of his past. I've always felt so bad for him, being cast aside by his own mother...I never thought he would threaten my life though. I feel like no matter how hard I tried to help him, he just slipped through my fingers. Maybe he will make the choice to get better on his own. I don't know, but I've got to take care of myself and the girls before I can worry about anybody else, even if he is the father of my children.

I braved the snow and went grocery shopping. I was sneaky and did it while my oldest girl was in school. Just the 2 year old went with me, so that made it easier. Then comes the fun task of figuring out bills...bleh. I don't have enough money to make even some of the bills. I am prioritizing the car payments and we can get the hell out of here if we have to. I still have to make up my list of all the bills, and figure out just how much debt there is. I am always the one who gets stuck with fixing the finances after he screws them all up. Geez, maybe I should go to college to be an accountant...if only I didn't hate it so much. lol

Anyways, I'd better stop stalling and get back to my day at a time, I just keep telling myself, one day at a time and I'll get through this.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's cold, and I'm thinking about the past.

Cold and snowy Montana can really suck sometimes. I have been cold all day, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it will get much colder this winter. Today the temp was 30 when I checked. Montana holds two records for temp...most people don't know that. The coldest temp ever recorded in the united states was in Alaska at -82 F, the second was in Montana at -72...about 20 miles from where I live. Most extreme temp change during 24 hours was in Montana; -54 to 49. This state is pretty extreme in it's weather. In the summer we get upwards of 110 and in the winter we get below -40. I get kinda sick of it sometimes, though I have noticed the extremes aren't as extreme as they were ten years ago.

Anyways, I am sick of the cold. I hate shivering. To help deal with it I am drinking...just kidding. The drinking is really to help me deal with my separation status. lol Not really, I know better than to turn to alcohol. I just wanted to have a drink, and we have the stuff to make one, so what the hell? Why not enjoy one freaking drink without my husband? I really wanted a screaming orgasm, but I used all the Bailey's in my coffee :( I thought about just doing a shot of Bacardi 151, but decided I wanted something tasty I'm having a Kryptonite.

My husband called me much for the no contact order. Anyways, I seriously wasn't sure if I should even answer it or not...but I'm super lonely, so I did. He didn't answer, but I couldn't hear breathing or anything. I could hear some background noise, like dishes banging together and such. I figured he must have been at work...though I'm unclear as to why he called me. Did he want to harass or scare me? Or did he just want to hear my voice? I know it wasn't an accident, because the default setting for these phones is to lock the keypad after the phone has been in stand by mode for 15 seconds. I'm not sure what I think of the whole deal. I guess I could believe whatever I want, but I'm not even sure what I "want" to believe.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel. I thought this would stop at some point...but a week obviously isn't enough time. I keep thinking that maybe he has woke up some, maybe he got scared enough to set him straight. Do I want him to "wake up" or "straighten" out? I don't know...that is what gets me...I just don't know what I want. I want to be loved of course, but do I want HIM to be the one to love me? I used to. His love was what I wanted the most in this world...and I was so happy when I had it. Those first two years were awesome. I was never happier than when he held me, when he loved me, when he looked into my eyes but saw my soul. Is that person dead? Is there anything left of the man I fell in love with? Why would he let this happen? Why would it ever be okay for anyone to put me down? At one point, he was proud of me...why did that change?

I want to know what will happen. I really don't have the patience for this. IF he contacts his public defender, and IF he petitions the court to allow for marriage counseling, then MAYBE this could work out. I don't know if he will do it though. He keeps sending mixed messages to me. One the one hand he has not provided enough money for me to buy food and diapers for the girls, he has spied on me, and he has called me when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, he has called my mother asking if me and the girls are okay, he reached out to his parents for support (he is not close to them by any means), he is talking to a minister, and he is trying to get another job (his other job fired him because he didn't come into work, even though he was in jail). Some things are very impressive for him, like talking to his parents. They have offered support and everything to both of us in the past, but he had a VERY difficult childhood, and there isn't much trust there.

I have forgiven so much of his past behavior because of his childhood. I haven't talked about it on my blog much, because it is so painful. There is no way around it, his mother is evil. I love his step-mother alot, as she has only ever been kind to us and loving. His mother is a bitch, but it doesn't start there. The grandmother is a bitch also. It is horrid talking about people this way, but they seriously are very screwed up. The grandmother had more husbands that I care to remember, some of which raped and beat my husband's mother during her childhood. She in turn grew up to have very poor relationships.

My husband's father was her first husband. She was insanely jealous and emotionally abusive to him. They divorced, and she used the two children against him. She remarried and had a third child with that husband. She accused that husband of trying to kill their unborn child (by poisoning her tea), and of molesting my husband and his little sister. That wasn't good enough though, she took it a step further and accused him of satanic worship, which included beating and gang raping my husband who was 6 years old at the time. My husband has no clear memory of what did or did not happen, though this conveniently happened after the step-father tried to get the children involved in Sunday school and make friends. Needless to say, there was a divorce.

My husband was a very unruly child, as he was constantly crying out for attention. This went so far as to try to commit suicide at the age of 7, because (in his words) his mother didn't want him. The youngest child was all the focus, and my husband and his sister were only ever used as pawns to hurt their father. She actually told her son that his daddy didn't want him anymore, because he had found a new family. This was not true, and no matter what was set up for visitations, she would change plans or not be at home so they could not see each other. Every time she cancelled the visits, she would tell her son "see, I told you daddy didn't want you anymore."

After his suicide attempt, his mother took him to a hospital and had him committed. When the nurses restrained him to a bed and injected him with sedatives, she freaked out. It wasn't long until she took him out against doctors orders, and took him to a different place. The special children's hospital she took him to did some thorough interviews with her. I have read the transcripts of these interviews with my husband. When we had been married about 6 months he wanted to go through them, just to see what had really happened. She told the psychologist many things about what her ex had done to her son and daughter. She told him about all the alleged rapping's, and that her ex had forced her son (6 years old) to rape her with a dildo while she was drugged and unconscious (who knows how she would have known exactly what happened if she wasn't awake, but never mind that little detail). The horrid and appalling stories just went on and one. At the end of the interview, the psychologist noted that he did not believe her story. She sat there showing ZERO emotion, and actually nursed her baby while talking about her own child being beaten and raped.

My husband was admitted into the hospital for observation and treatment. It all went well. He played with dinosaur toys and related to others fact he showed no signs of trauma or abuse. He was respectful and not fearful of the male staff members at all, and was very polite. He got along well with all the other children, and there was never anything sexual in any of his play. He said he had not been touched, and denied ever being abused.

After three months in this place, his mother came and against medical advice removed him and his sister (they were both staying there for treatment). She took them into another state without telling anyone. Well, this qualified as kidnapping, and the police search started. After about 3 weeks they were found and brought back. The reports of my husband's behaviour was completely different than it had been previously. He talked extensively about being raped and tortured. He was afraid off staff and almost all of his play involved rape or sexual scenarios. He often grabbed himself, and seemed extremely afraid that something would happen to his genitals. He seemed OCD also, with extreme hand washing rituals and being scared that touching batteries would kill him.

It was shocking how much he had changed during those 3 weeks. There was no question that his mother had brainwashed him during that time. He was so normal before, then was so screwed up after. Anyways, his mother lost custody of him and his sister for this, and the father and step-mother had him. They kept him in the hospital for treatment and went to visit him. Once it was determined that he could be released, him and his sister went to live with them. Everything would be going great, then he would go visit his mother for a weekend. When he would return he would be extremely withdrawn and depressed. As he got older, this turned into rage and acting out violently. Once he got to the age of 13 he would become so upset that he was a threat to the other children in the house. His mother had also worked very hard to turn him against his step-mother. They finally ended up letting him go live with his mother because he was too dangerous and they were afraid violence would begin.

Anyways, I met him when he was 19. He had just got out of the army (medical discharge) and was living with his mother and her 3rd husband, his sister and the half brother. I thought he was very sweet, and kind. He seemed to be very desperate for acceptance and love, but was gentle and kind towards me. Everything was fine for awhile. We talked over the internet and the phone, and were beginning to have strong feelings for each other. After talking for about 3 months, we decided to meet in person.

We met, and had a really great time. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was looking for gentleness and compassion...which I found in him. We decided that we would move in together so he could get away from his mother, and I couldn't afford a place on my own. That is when things started getting bad. Our relationship was great, but there was obvious jealousy from his mother. She never treated him as a son, but more like a boyfriend. She always wanted him to give her back rubs, and to be touching her. I found this to be inappropriate. She would confide in him about her sex life, and bring up issues that she never should have relied on him to support her with. When it was obvious that him and I had a sexual relationship, it became much worse. She began trying to turn him against me, telling him that I was trying to manipulate him and that I could not be trusted. I had been trying to help him, but that was all I was guilty of. How many 19 year old men, think they have to ask for permission to piss? That really bothered me, and I wanted him to be more confident and independent. I always supported him, and told him that he was a man, he could do whatever he wanted to.

So many times, he would off the phone with her and be extremely upset. He would start asking me if I really loved him, and why would I ever want to be with him. He seemed so sure that he was worthless, and it was always after talking to her. He finally came to me, in tears, because he was so upset that his mother was running me down to him. I was the one who supported him and encouraged him. He didn't think he would be able to get into college, I was the one who convinced him to try his best and find out for sure. I don't know how many times I held him as he cried after talking to his mother. He stopped calling her, and would only talk to her if she called.

She began working on me then. She actually told me that if I found out what he was really like I wouldn't want him. She told me that he was stupid, and that he was a horrible person. I finally got so sick of it, I told her that I loved him and that I would not stand for her running him down like that. I told her that he didn't call her because she always him when they would talk. Anyways, she didn't like me defending him, and the war started. After we got married her and her boyfriend (yes, she divorced the 3rd husband because he was "crazy" and had already moved onto another guy) actually drove for 4 hours to come "straighten me out." I think she was wanting to intimidate me, but it didn't work. She seemed surprised that I didn't treat my husband like shit. When he got home from work, I made him some coffee and got him a chair so he wouldn't have to stand. I guess she never showed kindness to any of her husbands, so she didn't realize what it looked like.

The fighting and crap went on for a few months. She started making attacks against my family because we went to see them but had never went to visit her. Never mind the fact that my parents lived much closer than she did, and my parents actually didn't treat my husband like crap. In fact, my husband drew the line there. My mother had been kind to him, and he felt that she had been more like a mother to him than his own mother had been. She had kept telling him that he would have to choose between me and her. He asked me if I wanted him to choose between us, to which I told him that he should never have to choose between him mother or his wife because the relationships are completely different. Needless to say, he ended up choosing me. He finally decided that he was done talking to his mother. He called her and told her that he would no longer consider her his family. She had refused to accept his wife, and by doing that had lost him. After that he did not call her, did not answer her calls and stopped all email activity. All cards and letters went to the trash unopened.

At the time that he told her he would no longer talk to her, I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. He had decided he did not want her in our children's lives, because of the childhood he had been through. I can't say that I was upset he decided to cut her out, in fact I was relieved. For awhile our marriage was very good. After considering how crazy his mother really was, he decided that maybe everything she said about his father and step-mother was not true. He got in touch with them to tell them that we were expecting a child, and from there developed a relationship. He never became very close to them, but at least he was talking with them and he did find out that almost everything his mother had told him had been a lie.

The problems in our marriage didn't start until after the baby was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and had preeclampsia which caused an emergency cesarean. I almost died, and the midwife and OB/GYN kept me in the room next to the OR because they were afraid I would stroke even after the delivery. I had lost a lot of blood due to a hemorrhage during the surgery, and it looked pretty grim for awhile for me. I could see how scared my husband was during the surgery. As he left the room with the nurse and the baby, the last words he heard was "She is loosing a lot of blood, this isn't looking good. Get a bag ready, and let's hurry this up." I was scared to death, and I know he was too.

As soon as he was allowed to come see me in the recovery room, he did. I don't think I've ever seen him so scared. He was crying and just kept telling me how much he loved me. He was very kind to me in the hospital, and stayed by my side the entire time. After we got home it was a different story though. He slumped into a depression almost as soon as the baby was a week old. My mother was staying with us to help, as I was not allowed to lift anything or do anything besides walk and rest. She stayed for two weeks, which was when I was finally allowed to hold my baby on my own. I was not to be doing anything besides taking care of the baby and myself. My husband had promised to take care of all the cleaning and the cooking while he was home from work. By about the third week, he started asking me why I wasn't doing anything. He started telling me what a bad wife I was, that I want even making sure he had clean clothes to wear to work.

I remember standing over the washing machine, trying to pull the wet clothes up out with both of my hands. It hurt in my incision, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so abandoned by him. I needed to rest, but I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. It hurt me so badly to hear him say that I wasn't doing a good enough job. He started telling me I was unfit to be a mother, because I got postpartum depression. I cried a lot, and would have to put the baby in her crib and just go to a different room and cry. I felt so overwhelmed and was afraid that I wasn't doing a good enough job for my husband or my baby. I thought about killing myself so many times. A family was what I had wanted, but I could see that I was losing my husband. I loved him so much, and what he said cut me to my very core.

I got on medication, and got through it. I did the best I could, and things just continued to get worse. Instead of coming to me anymore, my husband started spending all of our money. He started in with the self hatred again, and it became such a negative spiral. We separated for a few weeks, and during that time he over drew all of our bank accounts. We ended up being in debt to everyone, and I had no choice but to come back and to try to straighten things out. He had started smoking while I was away. I couldn't figure out why he always smelled like cigarettes, he knew that I didn't want him to smoke for several reasons. I started getting horrific migraines from it, and spent many evenings in so much pain I couldn't manage to do anything but lay and cry. He told me he would stop, but he didn't. He started going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late every day. He didn't get as much time together, and he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He wouldn't let me get close to him, because he was afraid I would smell the smoke on him.

This went on for awhile, but some things started to get better. He stopped being so negative to me, and we decided to have another baby. Things were great while we were trying to get pregnant. We were having sex almost everyday, and it seemed like he was more interested in me and our little girl. Once I did get pregnant though, he started withdrawing some again. He still wanted to have sex, but he ignored the new baby. He never wanted to feel her kick, and he wouldn't help me shop for her or pick out a name even. During the delivery he seemed like he wasn't quite there.

I had lost a lot of blood again, and they were having a hard time getting my temp and oxygen levels back to normal. I couldn't be given normal medication yet, so I spent the first night on a morphine drip. I asked my husband to please push the button for me so I could sleep, which he agreed to do. I went to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later in horrible pain. He was sitting here in the chair next to me, asleep. I pushed the button and woke him up. I asked him if he would please push the button for me so I could rest. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. I woke up again in a little while in horrible pain, because he had again fallen asleep. The whole night went like that. I felt so abandoned by him. I had really needed him. I had just had his baby, and I really needed the sleep. He just let me be in pain, in excruciating pain. He didn't protect me, he didn't come to save me when I needed him the most.

He didn't care about the baby almost at all. He rarely held her, and he had no interest in spending time with me either. I again struggled with postpartum depression. I got through it, and we continued to be distant in our marriage. He finally admitted his smoking to me after trying to hide it for 2 years. I hated that he had been lying to me, even though I had know he was. It hurt to actually hear him say the words. It hurt for him to aknowledge that he was causing me to have migraines, but yet he hadn't tried to stop. I left for a week so we could think. He decided he wanted to quite smoking and for us to work on our marriage. I agreed, and it seemed like things were going good for a couple days.

Those first two days after we agreed to work things out were wonderful. It was almost like things had been when he were first married. He was holding me all the time and we had started kissing again. We talked and spent time as a family and as lovers. I was very happy; I felt like I finally had my husband back. It didn't last though. In a few weeks he started withdrawing again. He had a lot of trouble with smoking, but instead of comming to me for support he tried to hide it from me. He lied to me, and things got worse.

It wasn't long until he started calling me names and putting me down. He would touch me during the day and tell me he wanted me, then he would stay up until he was too tired to have sex. He would promise to have sex with me, then just push me away. We would go for a month at a time without sex, and I hated it. I began to feel ugly and not wanted. He didn't look at me the same way, he didn't touch me the same didn't even seem like he was the same person. We talked and decided we needed to get into therapy. He found someone who would be available to see us within two weeks, and we went.

That therapist (I don't think he even had a degree, not even an associates) only hurt our marriage. I told him that one of our biggest problems was that my husband lies all the time, and he has a very low self esteem. From that the fucking jerk decided that I was a bitch. He didn't say the words, but he might as well have. He told me that my husband only lied to me because I made him too scared to be honest with me. It didn't matter that we both told him that my husband has always lied to protect himself, it started when he was a child as a way to deal with his mother. I don't know how it got to be MY fault that he lies. He told me I shouldn't ask my husband to quit smoking, never mind that it gives me migraines...besides, smoking doesn't cause cancer, that's just a conspiracy by the medical community as a way to get more this point I decided he was an idiot and a quack. My husband's own grandfather died from smoking related cancer! It runs in his family! I would think he would want to live as long as he could, but it doesn't seemed like he cared that much.

It was after that therapist told my husband he needed to control me more and put me in my place (see, the really was a quack) was when things started getting more pysichal. He started grabbing my wrists to restrain me when we fought. He would hold a door shut so I couldn't go into another room. Then he started threatening to hurt me. Even though he never hit me, it broke my heart that he would even say it.

I wonder where the man I married went to. The man that threatened to kill me last week, wasn't the man who swore to always love me. I didn't see the same spirit when I looked at his face. I almost feel as if my husband died.

The things that happened in the past really confuses things for me now. I almost feel like it would have been weird if he didn't turn abusive, just look at his childhood. No matter what happens, this stops here. The abuse will NOT continue on to my children. I won't allow it. I don't want my husband to be abusive, but it's his choice not mine. I wish I could have helped him avoid this, but I did everything I could think of. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that my loving him wasn't enough for him to want to change. He makes his decisions, and he will decide if he changes or if he doesn't. It is hard to be the victim in this, but yet want to help him. I want to take care of me and the girls, but I also feel like I should try to help him.

What a long does feel good to get it all out though. I am off to bed :)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Up to my armpits in poop

I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(

On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.

I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.

I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?

I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one. much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Bored to death

I am bored, bored, bored, and lonely. It really shows too...this is my THIRD post today! Seriously, I am horrified by my own boredom. I pray that I don't start putting a sock on my hand and talking to it. I already talk to the cat... I feel like Pontoffel Pock, wishing I could just get away from it all...pretty sure I could figure out the whole pull-ems and push-ems thing though ;) I doubt my extreme fear of heights would allow me to fly through the air sitting on a piano bench, magical or no.

I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.

Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(

Something I pulled out of my ass.

Okay, the title probably sounds pretty gross...I will admit it, it sounds EXTREMELY gross. lol Anyways, I was bored and lonely, so I just sat down and wrote this. I haven't done any editing on it or anything, so there are likely to be some errors and poor word choices. The flow probably won't be that great either, but it was for fun anyways. The characters are from a story I was writing when a teenager. Basically he is an assassin that she has hired to escort her and be her body guard while she hunts down a treasure. The tone is not ment to be "fucking," as they are just discovering that they both desire each other. Anyways, I hope everybody enjoys it :)

Shivering with cold, she clutched the worn blanket closer to her bosom. The wind howled and beat upon the thin walls of the tiny shelter. The embers crackled softly and the firelight danced around the room, filling the air with at least the look of warmth.

He lay a few feet away, on furs, with only his cloak for added protection against the frigid air. He was quiet, so still he may have been dead. She knew he did not sleep; she had never seen him sleep. He always waited until she had fallen into slumber, and made sure to rise before her in the morning.

This nameless, faceless, wanderer who lived by his dagger had probably killed more people than words slipped from his lips. He always hid himself. It was as if he had no emotion, neither happiness nor sorrow. He had shown neither fear nor anger. In the 3 months they had been traveling together, he was still as much a mystery as the day he first stepped into the pub.

The ebony eye mask covered his entire upper face, and she had never seen him without it. The narrow slits allowed only his ice blue eyes to be seen. The cloth mask he wore around the lower area of his face covered the rest of his face and his neck completely. He would pull it down to eat or drink, but this was mostly done with his back towards her. Why the excessive endeavor to hide his face? Was he hideous underneath? Perhaps he did not wish his victims to know him while they died.

Millicent drew a deep breath, and held it. She was cold, so very cold. He lay closer to the fire than she. Slowly she crawled on hands and knees over to him. He did not stir, he did not look. She knew he was aware…he was always aware. Gently she lowered herself between him and fire, drawing as close to him as possible. Still he did not move.

The blanket still clung to her, providing no warmth. Lifting his cloak gently she slid beneath it and into his warmth. It did not matter that he made his living as an assassin, at that moment he was the only heat available. The heat from his chest began to penetrate her, warming her enough for the shivering to stop. Her face lay pressed against his chest, his heat beat sounded in her head.

Warmth crawled through her body. Without thinking she scooted up, closer to his face. She pressed her lips against the cloth of his mask. He opened his eyes to gauge her, but he did not move away. She felt a slight pressure on her back, and slowly it sunk into her heart that he was touching her, pulling her closer. Her fingers still cold and a little stiff, she pulled the cloth, slowly and gently, down his face. This was the first time seeing any of his face so closely. The cloth slid effortlessly down his nose and off of his chin, revealing the lips she so desperately sought.

She brought her lips closer to his a second time, and they parted to accept her. He was gentler than she could have ever imagined. He didn’t just let her kiss him, but he kissed her back. There was a passion and a desire behind his warm skin that surprised her. His hands found their way to the back of her corset, where the laces slipped loose, freeing her breasts. He removed it from her, and cast it gently behind him. His hands moved underneath her loose blouse, caressing her soft skin.

The touch was firm and strong as he pulled her ever closer to him. His strong arms embraced her, and his lips caressed hers. Her hands were lying gently on his chest, until she lowered them. His muscles were strong and easily felt through his shirt. The belt clasp of his sheath came loose in her hands, and she felt increased warmth radiating from his body. The lacing of his pants came loose freely, and her hand found its way to his hip. She caressed him, but did not touch the area that pined for her hand.

He pulled her skirt up, and ripped her undergarments free from her. His cloak stayed over them as he rose above her. His legs slipped between hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to race through her. The aching was becoming strong, as the desire increased. He lowered down between her quivering legs, stroking them with his hands.

A tear escaped from her eye as he pressed his erection against her. With the gentle guidance of his hand, he parted her moist lips and slipped inside of her. A wave of pleasure overtook her as she was gently stretched to accommodate his girth. He pressed deeply into her and caressed her hip with his hand. His lips eagerly sought hers out, and he locked onto them as he began thrusting into her.

Her mind was lost in the moment. His breath was hurried with desire, and his body was taut. He smelled good to her, and she breathed in deeply as she buried her face against his neck. He was warm, and the firmness of his penis brought her immense pleasure. She could feel her body grasp at him, squeezing eagerly. Warmth began to build inside of her abdomen, and her vagina clenched tightly onto him. He pressed against her tightly as her body began the throws of orgasm. Moans escaped her lips, and her chest heaved with each breath. Her fingers grasped at his hips, scratching him lightly. He watched her, and continued pounding into her hungry muscles. His hands grasped at her and his chest pressed against her breasts, enjoying the convulsions of pleasure he had caused her.

He hastened his thrusts, and his breath held. His muscles became rock hard, and he froze over her for a second. She could feel him throb inside of her as he released his seed. A small sigh of pleasure escaped from his lips as his body jerked into her. The pulsing slowed, and he relaxed. The kiss he gave her was tender, but fleeting. He pulled out of her, exposing her to the cold as he pressed himself back into his pants and tied the laces shut tightly. He pulled her skirt back down around her legs and lay next to her scooping her up in his arms. She was warm, and she was satisfied. He drew the blanket and the cloak around them tightly as her eyes closed and sleep took her.

Lonely, oh so lonely... one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.

I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.

I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."

I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.

This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.

I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Trying to make a plan

I have no idea what my husband is doing or will do, so for now I am living like he doesn't exist. It is easier to think of him as dead than it is to always worry about what he may or may not do. I spent most of today feeling utterly destitute and helpless. I was having what seemed like one big panic attack for several hours.

I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.

I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.

I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.

Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?

My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.

Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.

I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.

This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.

I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.

Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

182 dollars is a joke...right?

One more day...I've made it through one more day on my own. I was hoping today would be easier than yesterday, but it wasn' was actually harder. So many times I've wanted to call my husband and ask him "why?" I just want some answers...but I can't have them. If I even tried contacting him, I could go to jail. I don't know if he is going to get a different job to replace the pizza delivery job, I don't know if he is going to start therapy on his own, I don't know if he wants to work towards change, I don't know if he is just going to disappear....I don't know what's going on and it's driving me crazy.

Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.

Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.

I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.

I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.

Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.

Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.

I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.

I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.

I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.

I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!

I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.

I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.

I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.

I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.

I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.

Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...