Saturday, June 14, 2008

First Post

Hello!  Yes this is my first post, and will be just a rambling.

First of all let me say I have a lot on my mind.  It is going to take years to get all this crap out; but then again, that's how long it took to put it there in the first place.  Out of all my problems, my marriage is the most prevalent.

My husband has a lot of problems, so do I, but his are much deeper rooted and more severe.  He has this weird tendency to freak out if things are going good.  He had a really bad childhood filled with abuse of every kind, and he is still deeply scarred from it.  Every time we start getting really close and this deep intimacy starts to form he does a 180 and turns verbally and emotionally abusive.  I know this is a survival thing that he does because of his horrid past, but I think he should be trying to work past these fears of his so that he can have a better future.  I try to be supportive and loving, but it seems like the kinder I am towards him the more frightened he becomes.  I have never done anything to betray his trust, in fact I have been allot more forgiving towards him than I maybe should have.  He is so scared that I will betray him, or leave him, or I just won't accept him anymore.  I am getting really tired of constantly pouring my heart out to him and encouraging him when it is never enough.

I have finally given up on trying to encourage him and have instead gone to sex as a means to boost his confidence.  This is sort of difficult for me as I struggle with my own self-confidence issues and the fact that I am over weight (two children didn't help this).  There was a lot of sexual abuse as a child and he was raped by another child when he was 11.  From that he has major problems with feeling inadequate and undesirable.  There is so much shame that is still there.  He denies it of course, because he is into "stuffing" his problems instead of dealing with them.  After sex though, his attitude seems to change.  He just seems happier and way more relaxed, which of course allows us to have a better day together.

There will be a day when he gets past some of these things, it's just hard to survive until then.  I will no-doubt write more about this at some later date.  I didn't even touch on the abuse he suffered from his mother and what that has done to his trust in women.
Yeah, I'm done for now.

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