Monday, June 16, 2008

Just a happy memory

There is a memory I've been thinking about allot lately. It was back when I was pregnant with our first daughter. We had just made love and were lying in bed cuddling. I was almost 6 months pregnant, and the baby had begun really kicking a lot and doing back flips in my belly.

We just lay there, not saying anything, not moving; just holding and being held. My husband lay behind, his body curled close to mine. His hand rested on my stomach, feeling our baby kicking at him. "I'm so lucky to be with you." His voice broke the silence. I rolled over to face him and saw that there was a tear on his face. This man had been through hell and back with all the abuse he had faced during his childhood. He never cried; he wasn't a crier. He put his hand on my face and whispered softly to me, "I never knew what it was like to be loved until I met you. I can't wait to have a family with you. You make me so happy." I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. I just kissed him then buried my face against his chest.

That moment was one of the happiest times in my life. It hurts so much now when I stop and realize just how much we have lost. Once the baby was born things began to change. I wasn't allowed to have sex for a month after having the baby. I had developed Pre-Eclampsia during the pregnancy and had ended up having to have an emergency cesarean. It took me quite a while to heal after the surgery, and that put a large strain on our marriage as I couldn't do the things that he was used to me doing. I was useless, and even though he realized I had almost died, he ended up resenting me over it. It was a horrible situation. He knew that it wasn't my choice to neglect him, he knew that I had almost died and that I needed him to help me through the difficult time I was having. It didn't matter what he knew to be true, all the bad memories and feelings of abandonment came flooding back to him. During that time he lost most of his trust in me, he became scared that he wasn't good enough for me no matter what I told him. It seemed like everything negative form his past was coming back and pushing its way into our marriage. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I couldn't be as expressive of my love for him in a sexual way during that period, or if it was the fact that he had been really scared when the doctor told us if I didn't get into surgery right away that I would go into a seizure and likely die, or if it was the fact that the dynamic of our lives had just changed and he now had this huge responsibility placed upon him.

I am pretty confident that I know all his dark secrets from his past, and even though I am still here, he doesn't believe that I would ever accept him. It doesn't matter what I say or do, I can't seem to get it across to him that I accepted him fully when I married him. Since that time we have gotten past some of the negatives that came up, but he has also fell into a depressive state that seems like it has no end.

The happy memories that I have are the only reminders of what things could be like. During weeks when we never see each other and we are cross, thinking about what our love used to be is the only thing that helps me to get through my day without pulling my hair out.

The addition of more sex toys in our life together has helped us become a little closer. At least now when everything thing else is falling apart around us, there is still an incredible feeling of closeness when we have sex. Most of the time he forgets to even kiss me hello or goodbye, so it is nice to have a time when I know he is only thinking about me and being with me. The closeness from our sex life is slowly seeping into the other areas of our marriage. I don't think our marriage could survive if we didn't have sex. The toys help add an element of newness, of excitement. Plus some nights, my husband is just too tired to put much effort into it. When that happens I can just stimulate myself with a small vibrator while he is inside of me. It allows both of us to finish, but requires very little energy from him.

The quiet moment after sex still remains my favorite part of the day, even though it almost always includes him snoring in my ear. I no longer get the deep and intimate discussions out of him that I used to, and anything I say is lost because he is always asleep as soon as he pulls his cock out. At least I still have some good memories to hold onto.

No comments: