Sunday, January 11, 2009

Goodbye, for now.

Well, this is it. This is the big day. My last two reviews are submitted to Eden Fantasys, and I am packing to leave my home. I don't know how long until I get a place of my own, but I imagine it will be a while. I am going to live with my parents, and it is due time that I do. I know I must get out of this city and away from my husband if I am ever going to succeed in leaving him.

This is ripping my heart into shreds. I hate all the pain and cruelty, but yet the thought of losing him tears me apart inside. My head has been saying "run, dammit run, while you still can!" and my heart keeps telling me "remember the way he used to hold us? Remember the tears well up in those beautiful blue eyes as he said I was the only thing in this world he needed to be content? What if he could change someday? What if he changes and I miss out on it? What if the man I fell so deeply in love with is still in there somewhere?" I am finally having to tell my heart to shut the fuck up. I have allowed him to abuse me for so long because I was so desperate to gain his love and acceptance again. To be beaten wasn't too high of a price to pay to be held and caressed was it? But wait a second, why don't other women have to suffer in order to be loved? Why does this ever happen to any of us, that we put up with the pain for those few moments of intimacy and love, even though we know deep inside that he doesn't really mean it, that he will never really change.

I wrote a letter to him. Not a letter to the abuser, but to the man I still love and wish he could be again. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and to clear the air. I don't hate him, and it was important to me to be able to tell him that. I need him to know that he does not have me in fear anymore. I will not let him control me in any manner for one more second of my life. I am free. I sobbed so hard as I wrote that 6 page letter to him. I doubt it will mean much to him, but it feels good to me to get it out and be able to let go.

I will be grieving at my parent's house. I will cry a lot, and I will write in my journal alot. It will hurt, but I will get through it. I must grieve, and it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hurt, and it is okay to cry. Sometimes we must all cry.

To everyone who has shown me kindness, I give out a sincere and heartfelt thank you. Those of you who have encouraged me may have just saved my life. I have been so deep in depression that I have considered taking my own life nearly every day for the past year. I have sat in the bath tub in the middle of the night while everyone else slept, holding a knife at my throat trying to get up the courage to finally get it over with. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't live knowing how worthless I was. How could my own husband not find any value in my life? The only person who has ever swore to love me forever, cast me aside like a piece of trash.

I can not even describe how shocked I was to find the forum post on Eden Fantasys. At the core of who I am, I strongly believed I had little to no value as a human being. How could so many people say such nice things about me? Me of all people getting praise and being called an "asset?" I just sat there staring at my computer screen and cried. Do any of these people realise how much their words mean to me? I will never forget their kindness. It is because of the encouragement and love shown to me by these people that I am still alive and taking the steps to change my life and the lives of my two little girls.

The nights that I just wanted to disappear, you all made me laugh. You gave me something better to think about, you gave me something to brighten my day and pull me from the dark hole I was sinking into; whether you knew it or not you saved my life. I will come back to you all when I can, when I am safe, when I am on my own two feet once more. Thank you all, thank you more than I could ever express.

I am making final preparations to leave. Me, my girls, my cats, and what I can fit in the car. Everything else stays. I have never felt like this before. This is so painful, but yet it feels like a new beginning at the same time. I feel good that I am doing the right thing, but it still makes my heart ache. I will come back, I promise. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know that I will come back. I will come back better than ever, I promise you all.

My heart and thoughts go out especially to those of you who are dealing with abuse in your own lives, no matter what stage you are in or if you are already out. I will be thinking of you all, and I will continue to draw strength from your strength as I hope you can do the same.

Everything happens for a reason...I found the eden community hoping for a fun distraction, and I found my life. This is why we encourage and support one another, because you never know who is suffering in silince, who needs the compassion.

Thank you.


toygirl said...

Good luck. You're an incredibly strong and wonderful person and I know you can do this. If you ever need anything or need to talk, please don't hesitate to get in touch. So much of what you say resonates with me. I'll miss you!

Horny Toads said...

Good luck and stay strong! You can do this! You DESERVE this! You are a fantastic person that deserves to be happy! I'll miss you too and look forward to your return!

Beautiful Dreamer said...

Bulma- this isn't goodbye. This is see you soon. You're an amazing woman. You're an amazing mother. I wish you nothing but the best & will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

MissKissThis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MissKissThis said...

You are an amazing woman for doing what you are doing right now. Getting yourself and your daughters into a better situation is the BEST possible thing you could be doing, and I applaud you for having the strength to do so. I am looking forward to the day where you are back and are better than ever.

DBD said...

Some things just work... I'm trying to set something up for you at Eden. Try to stay in touch with them periodically.

Many, many hugs.

Tuesday said...

Bulma, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

You have such a nice writing style. I do hope you keep writing while you're at your parent's place. I look forward to your return to blogging/Eden.

You might enjoy reading "Eat Pray Love" right now. The author chronicles the first year after her horribly painful divorce. As I read your last blog entry, the feelings you express reminded me quite a bit of how she described the end of her marriage. I think you would like it.

Take care,


jimbo said...

Bulma, you are a very special person and a very important part of many people's lives. I am blessed to have interacted with you the little that I have. You have lots of friends who are cheering for you and know that you can get through this and get back on top again. I know you can do it and can't wait until I can hear from you again. Good luck in all you do!

DBD said...

Hope you're doing well. You seem to have disappeared from online...

Take care.