Thursday, January 8, 2009

Shit Face Must Die...Please?

Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.

Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.

I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.

Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.

Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.

Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.

I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.

I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...

I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.

That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.

I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.

Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...


MissKissThis said...

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I hope you never have to experience disrespect like that from a man (or anyone for that matter) ever again.

I know it can be hard to imagine, but there's someone out there for you who will know how to treat a woman, and he will treat you like a queen.

I'm sending positivewishes your way. I hope the very best for you and your girls.

Alpine Subdreams said...

I am so sorry to hear about this. Sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Sending the most positive vibes and wishes out to you. Good luck and stay strong.

toygirl said...

Hey sweetie. I'm sorry that this happened to you, I'm sorry he's such an ass. Stay strong: you deserve better and you will have better.

I wish I were there to babysit. :(

BB said...

I'm hoping for only the best in your and your daughters' futures--you all deserve it.

::sends positive vibes::

Anonymous said...

Make your girls your first priority and the rest will follow. Being a parent is about making sacrifices and unfortunately it means sacrificing the things you love in life, like the internet. Don't be concerned with not being able to review sex toys but be concerned with the negative impact the fighting and screaming will have on your children.

all the best.

Beautiful Dreamer said...

Oh Bulma. I've been reading and watching the ups & downs. I'm so sorry, I really am.

I'm so glad you're thinking of yourself and your two precious daughters. You three deserve nothing but the very best the world has to offer. You're a strong woman and you'll prevail over this.
I'll keep you & the girls in my thoughts.

Sienna said...

I would love to email you because I have some questions...and help if you would like it. Mine's

Epiphora said...

Good luck, I know you are going to need it, but I also know you are strong enough to get through this. And of course someone will love you again. And until that person comes along, you have the community to love and support you.

Adriana said...

OH honey! I am so sorry. I really hope that you can get your life straightened out and that he will stay the fuck away from you. But please don't think you can never be happy or find love again.

And to anonymous, I don't know where you might have gotten the idea that her priorities lie anywhere else besides with her family!

Horny Toads said...

I'm so sorry things have turned out this way. I would also volunteer to help babysit along with toygirl or help out any way that I could. I know how hard this can be. You will find love again but, it will take some time and that's what you need right now. *hugs*