Well, this is it. This is the big day. My last two reviews are submitted to Eden Fantasys, and I am packing to leave my home. I don't know how long until I get a place of my own, but I imagine it will be a while. I am going to live with my parents, and it is due time that I do. I know I must get out of this city and away from my husband if I am ever going to succeed in leaving him.
This is ripping my heart into shreds. I hate all the pain and cruelty, but yet the thought of losing him tears me apart inside. My head has been saying "run, dammit run, while you still can!" and my heart keeps telling me "remember the way he used to hold us? Remember the tears well up in those beautiful blue eyes as he said I was the only thing in this world he needed to be content? What if he could change someday? What if he changes and I miss out on it? What if the man I fell so deeply in love with is still in there somewhere?" I am finally having to tell my heart to shut the fuck up. I have allowed him to abuse me for so long because I was so desperate to gain his love and acceptance again. To be beaten wasn't too high of a price to pay to be held and caressed was it? But wait a second, why don't other women have to suffer in order to be loved? Why does this ever happen to any of us, that we put up with the pain for those few moments of intimacy and love, even though we know deep inside that he doesn't really mean it, that he will never really change.
I wrote a letter to him. Not a letter to the abuser, but to the man I still love and wish he could be again. I just wanted to get out some of my feelings and to clear the air. I don't hate him, and it was important to me to be able to tell him that. I need him to know that he does not have me in fear anymore. I will not let him control me in any manner for one more second of my life. I am free. I sobbed so hard as I wrote that 6 page letter to him. I doubt it will mean much to him, but it feels good to me to get it out and be able to let go.
I will be grieving at my parent's house. I will cry a lot, and I will write in my journal alot. It will hurt, but I will get through it. I must grieve, and it is okay to grieve. It is okay to hurt, and it is okay to cry. Sometimes we must all cry.
To everyone who has shown me kindness, I give out a sincere and heartfelt thank you. Those of you who have encouraged me may have just saved my life. I have been so deep in depression that I have considered taking my own life nearly every day for the past year. I have sat in the bath tub in the middle of the night while everyone else slept, holding a knife at my throat trying to get up the courage to finally get it over with. I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't live knowing how worthless I was. How could my own husband not find any value in my life? The only person who has ever swore to love me forever, cast me aside like a piece of trash.
I can not even describe how shocked I was to find the forum post on Eden Fantasys. At the core of who I am, I strongly believed I had little to no value as a human being. How could so many people say such nice things about me? Me of all people getting praise and being called an "asset?" I just sat there staring at my computer screen and cried. Do any of these people realise how much their words mean to me? I will never forget their kindness. It is because of the encouragement and love shown to me by these people that I am still alive and taking the steps to change my life and the lives of my two little girls.
The nights that I just wanted to disappear, you all made me laugh. You gave me something better to think about, you gave me something to brighten my day and pull me from the dark hole I was sinking into; whether you knew it or not you saved my life. I will come back to you all when I can, when I am safe, when I am on my own two feet once more. Thank you all, thank you more than I could ever express.
I am making final preparations to leave. Me, my girls, my cats, and what I can fit in the car. Everything else stays. I have never felt like this before. This is so painful, but yet it feels like a new beginning at the same time. I feel good that I am doing the right thing, but it still makes my heart ache. I will come back, I promise. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know that I will come back. I will come back better than ever, I promise you all.
My heart and thoughts go out especially to those of you who are dealing with abuse in your own lives, no matter what stage you are in or if you are already out. I will be thinking of you all, and I will continue to draw strength from your strength as I hope you can do the same.
Everything happens for a reason...I found the eden community hoping for a fun distraction, and I found my life. This is why we encourage and support one another, because you never know who is suffering in silince, who needs the compassion.
Thank you.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
ToiBocks Review
I loved the high end look and promise of discretion when I first laid eyes on the original ToiBocks. I can not tell you how excited I was to receive one from the good folks over at EdenFantasys.
Being the holidays, my package arrived a little later than scheduled. When it did arrive though I tore into it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Inside of the discreet shipping box was the product box of my new ToiBocks. Curiously, the box lists it as coming in three different colors: Dark Cherry, Golden Honey, and Black Licorice, though only the Dark Cherry seems to be available at the moment.
Inside of the box was a ridiculous amount of Styrofoam cradling my sexy new toy storage. Well, alright, you don't HAVE to use it for toys. This baby locks via magnetic lock, so it is handy for valuables as well as private items. Obviously when you open this up it becomes apparent that there is hidden storage under the top tray. The trick is that there is no visible lock, so even if people figure out there is a compartment in the bottom, they won't be getting into it.
More about the nifty lock on this product. The key is a round flat disc, metal with TB logo on one side, soft red velvet on the other side. All it takes is a quick swipe over the magic spot and the lock is undone. The key can easily stick (magnetically of course) to the metal logo on the inside of the lid. If you ever lose your key, you may simply ask ToiBocks to send you a new one (great reason to register your new ToiBocks as soon as possible).
I found the quality of this product to be just what I expected from the high price tag. Costing near $100, I expected it to be in excellent condition and flawlessly made; I was not disappointed at all. The finish on the wood in nicely done with no runs or streaks or thin spots. The shine is lovely, and the feel is silky smooth. The inside is covered in red velvet, and it looks just exquisite! I have no problem storing my diamond jewelry in the top tray of this, as it looks just as beautiful as my jewels. The hinges are smooth working, and the lock works perfectly every time for me as well. Little rubber feet are included that may be put on the bottom of the ToiBocks to protect whatever you set it upon, if you so wish. I did not put mine on, as I do not place it directly on other furniture but instead on a decorative runner.
When it comes to storage space, this is 11" x 7" x 6.25" or 41.25 cubic inches. With the tray in place the bottom compartment is 2.5" deep. I could fit a couple more toys into it if I so wished, but currently I am storing inside of it these toys: Smart balls, Clear ribbed G-spot wonder, Passion bullets dual, G-Spot Gemstone, Power penis vibrator, and the Vibrating C-Ring. Like I said though, there is room for a couple more toys. I imagine I could fit a couple medium to smallish dildos and a bullet or two. If you are not worried about people finding your stuff (which is kinda the purpose behind this) you could also keep a few toys in the top tray or else not even use the tray at all. Condoms fit perfectly in the two smaller compartments, and the larger area is perfect for cock rings or nipple jewelry.
Be aware that while this thing does hold enough toys to be functional, it serves best as a handy spot for favorites. I have roughly around 80 toys (no, I am not going to go count them all) so my collection is on the large side. I keep my smaller favorites in this, as it will hold neither my Hitachi or my Lone Star (damned big balls that it has barely won't fit).
Over all, I think this is a great product and I am excited to see the rest of the line of products from ToiBocks. This is an excellent product for people with children, nosy guests, or room mates. The ToiTissue is also for sale at EdenFantasys, and I have the overwhelming sense that I must own it as well :P
Being the holidays, my package arrived a little later than scheduled. When it did arrive though I tore into it with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. Inside of the discreet shipping box was the product box of my new ToiBocks. Curiously, the box lists it as coming in three different colors: Dark Cherry, Golden Honey, and Black Licorice, though only the Dark Cherry seems to be available at the moment.
Inside of the box was a ridiculous amount of Styrofoam cradling my sexy new toy storage. Well, alright, you don't HAVE to use it for toys. This baby locks via magnetic lock, so it is handy for valuables as well as private items. Obviously when you open this up it becomes apparent that there is hidden storage under the top tray. The trick is that there is no visible lock, so even if people figure out there is a compartment in the bottom, they won't be getting into it.
More about the nifty lock on this product. The key is a round flat disc, metal with TB logo on one side, soft red velvet on the other side. All it takes is a quick swipe over the magic spot and the lock is undone. The key can easily stick (magnetically of course) to the metal logo on the inside of the lid. If you ever lose your key, you may simply ask ToiBocks to send you a new one (great reason to register your new ToiBocks as soon as possible).
I found the quality of this product to be just what I expected from the high price tag. Costing near $100, I expected it to be in excellent condition and flawlessly made; I was not disappointed at all. The finish on the wood in nicely done with no runs or streaks or thin spots. The shine is lovely, and the feel is silky smooth. The inside is covered in red velvet, and it looks just exquisite! I have no problem storing my diamond jewelry in the top tray of this, as it looks just as beautiful as my jewels. The hinges are smooth working, and the lock works perfectly every time for me as well. Little rubber feet are included that may be put on the bottom of the ToiBocks to protect whatever you set it upon, if you so wish. I did not put mine on, as I do not place it directly on other furniture but instead on a decorative runner.
When it comes to storage space, this is 11" x 7" x 6.25" or 41.25 cubic inches. With the tray in place the bottom compartment is 2.5" deep. I could fit a couple more toys into it if I so wished, but currently I am storing inside of it these toys: Smart balls, Clear ribbed G-spot wonder, Passion bullets dual, G-Spot Gemstone, Power penis vibrator, and the Vibrating C-Ring. Like I said though, there is room for a couple more toys. I imagine I could fit a couple medium to smallish dildos and a bullet or two. If you are not worried about people finding your stuff (which is kinda the purpose behind this) you could also keep a few toys in the top tray or else not even use the tray at all. Condoms fit perfectly in the two smaller compartments, and the larger area is perfect for cock rings or nipple jewelry.
Be aware that while this thing does hold enough toys to be functional, it serves best as a handy spot for favorites. I have roughly around 80 toys (no, I am not going to go count them all) so my collection is on the large side. I keep my smaller favorites in this, as it will hold neither my Hitachi or my Lone Star (damned big balls that it has barely won't fit).
Over all, I think this is a great product and I am excited to see the rest of the line of products from ToiBocks. This is an excellent product for people with children, nosy guests, or room mates. The ToiTissue is also for sale at EdenFantasys, and I have the overwhelming sense that I must own it as well :P
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Thursday, January 8, 2009
Shit Face Must Die...Please?
Sometimes life sucks, sometimes life sucks you through a meat grinder genitals first, other times you come home after having a car break down and find your abusive ex inside of your house with a friend, and the place has been trashed.
Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.
I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.
Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.
Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.
Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.
I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.
I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...
I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.
That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.
I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.
Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex toys...so I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...
Geez, I don't even feel like writing. My holidays were pretty good, though I was longer than expected. I just got home today actually. I attempted to come home the 4th but my fricking car overheated...turned out to be the fan not working (at all) and a stuck thermostat. After that was all fixed the weather turned shitty and the roads were closed. So finally I got to come home today.
I pulled into the drive way to see that my sidewalks had not been shoveled since I had left. I open the door and I get hit in the face with the smell of cat shit. I exclaimed out loud even, "it smells like cat shit in here and that asshole didn't do anything he said he would." See, my abusive ex had promised to watch my cats and keep the house up while I was gone. I had no one else to do it and couldn't really take them with me, so was stuck with having him (whom I had been on pretty good terms with) doing it for me.
Much to my surprise, "shit face" pokes his head around the doorway and says "keep it down, I have company." Excuse the dog shit out of me?! MY HOME! He was to stop by only to check on the cats and shovel the walkway, NOTHING was ever said about bringing other shit faces into my home. I proceeded to scream at shit face and asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Shit face number 1 and 2 both ran from the house like scared little dogs. I called shit face and demanded my house key AND the car key back. This made shit face angry, and in a moment of utter stupidity he forgot who is in the power position at the moment. He tried to act like I was out of line for getting angry he had invited someone I have never even met into my home while I was gone. Geez, crazy me that I didn't want his looser friends in the home where my children sleep at night.
Argument ensued, I hung up the phone, and proceeded to break my foot on the kitchen cabinet. That not being good enough, I stomped the shit out of a dinging room chair and kicked the table until glasses (dirty, shit face left them) fell on the floor and shattered...some glasses survived, I hurdled them into the trash so they wouldn't feel left out. I have never been in such a blind rage before. If shit head would have been there I would have ripped his throat out with my teeth. No joking, I was angry enough I could have killed him. I didn't take kindly to him threatening me over the phone and acting like I'm crazy for not automatically forgiving him for crossing the line (yet again, and oh yeah, all the fucking lies he told me while I was gone). Um, who is the abusive shit face who lies through every fucking tooth he has? Not me.
Shit face tried calling back, but I didn't answer. I started to realise how stupid it had been to kick the cabinet as the pain in my toe started. I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I limped while dragging the chair to the door where I threw it as hard as I could onto the concrete walk outside. I limped to the freezer to grab an ice pack, then limped to the couch where I sat and cried as my big toe swelled and turned purple.
I did go sweep up the glass off of the floor, and while doing so noticed the cigarette pack (empty of course) in my garbage along with all the junk food wrappers and energy drink cans. Looking around some more I noticed that he had left the lube out downstairs, the cat box had not been scooped in at least a week (it was cat shit upon cat shit, there wasn't even any liter visible anymore) and there was a bunch of junk lying around upstairs as well. I noticed he had been playing my Xbox 360, had been into MY dvds and cds, and had not picked up or cleaned a damned thing in the house.
I was most pissed about him having someone over in my house and the smoking. I didn't care that he had used the fleshlight (though I may cut it up just because it would feel good to do so) but it pissed me off that he didn't bother putting the lube away ( I did NOT smell it to see if he had washed it after use...eww). I checked the pc banking and discovered that out of his $700 paycheck, about $330 was left for me and the girls...until he left the house here and pulled out another $100 in cash...children don't need to eat after all, right? He had better hope I don't catch him walking anywhere or I may accidentally run him over with the car, stop, back up, and run him over again...10 times...
I am only full of rage still. I called him and again demanded he leave the keys (or else I'd tell the coppers on him) and I told him we are done. "I will forgive you when you die, and not a day before" was how I explained my anger to him...even a complete moron should be able to figure that one out. I told him he was not to call me ever again or I would report him to the police. I told him that I was done and I never wanted to see him or speak with him, I want a divorce. He simply said "fine" and hung up.
That was several hours ago, and I've spent most all of that time crying. I've been mostly pissed off beyond belief and a little scared. I wouldn't say I am sad at all right now. I do worry if anyone will ever want me again. Will I be able to find a man that isn't an ass and a moron? Will I ever fall in love again? How the fuck am I going to support myself and two little girls? Where do I get the money for a divorce? He has power over me in the fact that I have no money or resources. The only way I would be able to divorce him would be if I can get aid somewhere or a family member helps me to pay.
I honestly can't stay here. My girl has school here, but I have no one to watch the girls for me while I do any business stuff (hunt down jobs or college or seek a divorce). I don't really know where to go or what to do, but I do know that as long as I live here so close to him he will always be able to rope me back in. I really like this city, and it pisses me off to have to leave because of shit face, but I honestly don't have any other choice. I will go live with my parents while I figure out how the hell I am going to do this. Maybe I'll end up living with my sister while I attend college, who knows.
Leaving here will mean that I will loose Internet access and any means by which to test sex toys...so I will be saying goodbye for awhile. I am hoping it will not be permanent, but it could be a very long time until I can get back into the swing of things. This isn't goodbye yet...just know that it is coming very swiftly this way...
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