If you're involved in the online world of sex bloggers, or visit the forums at Eden Fantasys, then you are probably aware of a fairly recent small security leak.
I have chosen for the most part to stay out of this, and honestly I don't see, for the life of me, why so many people are so upset. The document that went public had some info about 60 bloggers on it. I won't go into all the details and type everything here, instead I'll just direct you to a letter from the owner, entitled Security.
The thing that gets me is that this was such a small scale leak, and it was only available to the public for 10 minutes. It was removed and deleted as soon as the breach was discovered, and while eden could delete all posts made about the topic, they have not. I have had information lost by extremely large businesses in the past (think one of the 3 largest banks in the nation) and I did receive a letter of notice a week after it happened...there never was an apology and it included all of my banking history with them, including my address and name, bank account numbers and social security number. Same thing when the government lost the information of my VA husband...no apology and two weeks for a letter of notice.
Are all of these sex bloggers as vulnerable as they think they are? How many followers does it take to be "popular?" I'm sorry, but anything under 1000 is a VERY small number of people, and the likely hood of any of them living anywhere close to you is very slim. People who tend to get stalkers are exposed to way more people than sex bloggers. I'm sorry, but I don't see why people with a handful of readers are so pissed about their addresses getting out. And yes, I do realize that I have a very very small number of visitors to my site.
I'm not saying that there is no chance of these people having stalkers, and the concern is real...it's just been blown out of proportion. Very few people saw the document, and very few people even know who those 60 people are. I have not seen very much in ways of level headed judgment during this.
For example, eden states that an email concerning the issue will be sent out to those who were on the list. People then get pissed when they receive the email and it does not state directly "you were on the list." Why did eden send out the email in the first place? Probably because of all the super pissed people who were ranting in the eden forums...people who had read an email would be sent out to those who had been effected. After the uproar over the email not stating "you were on the list" eden staff replied saying once again, the email was sent out ONLY to those on the list, so if you didn't get one, you weren't on it. I thought it was pretty clear from the get go...so why are people still pissed over this?
It was a mistake, no it shouldn't have happened, but it did. Everyone should be thankful it was on such a small scale and was dealt with so quickly. People are pissed because it wasn't handled "right." I'm beginning to think that nothing would have been good enough to satisfy the people who were outraged over it. Eden has apologized repeatedly, they deleted the document as soon as they found out it had happened, and they have been working around the clock to make sure it never happens again all the while trying to deal with all the heated and negative comments being left on the forum...what else could they possibly do? Are the bloggers who were on the list expecting monetary compensation in addition to the free toys they already received? Hell, my bank never even said "we're sorry this happened!"
The whole deal reminds me a lot of little kids on the playground fighting over who gets what toy. It starts out as "I'd like to play with that" and before long it has turned into screaming, hair pulling, biting, and shouts of "MINE!" I think this small leak has been blown WAY out of proportion. It happened, it was fixed, and steps are currently being taken to ensure it never happens again...ITS OVER!!! Why continue being mad? It is over with and eden has been much kinder than they had to (or should have).
Are people sitting back being silent observers? Perhaps many people just DON'T FREAKING CARE! I don't care about it, because there is nothing to care about. It is over with, and I can see absolutely no sense in beating a dead horse...it ain't gonna get up and start running again! (and no, I do NOT advocate hurting animals). I'm confused why people are still dragging this out. What's the point in staying pissed over it? Kinda like the whole deal concerning AAG, why were so many people so pissed over something that was honestly none of their freaking business? I don't feel that any of that should have been displayed out in front of the world, kinda like I feel the person who first discovered there was a security leak should have notified eden instead of spreading the link around asap.
I have had some communications with Fred before this whole thing happened, and due to a family tragedy (my husband trying to kill me) I did not respond (still meaning to email, just haven't done it yet). All I saw was that he cares a lot about his business (like anyone in his position would) and he seemed very courteous and level headed. I honestly think Eden has done a fantastic job in spite of all the crap from people in the community and sex bloggers who were involved.
Well, that's how I see this mess. I know lots of people disagree, but that's okay :) I just think it's time to let the smoke settle instead of continually stirring it up again...Please! I'd like some fresh air for a change. What about you? Tell me how you see it (post anonymously if you'd like, I don't care). Do you think it should be allowed to die out so we can all move on? Or do you enjoy the smoke?
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Illegal sex is HOT sex!
Illegal sex...what exactly does that mean? Well, most of the time it means rape or statutory rape, but what I'm talking about is sex with someone the court has ordered to stay away from you. Yes...I had sex with my abusive husband. Stupid I know. I couldn't help it, I get soooooo feakin' horny when I ovulate. I have had sex with him three times during the past couple weeks.
The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.
We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.
Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.
I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.
I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.
Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."
Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.
I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :D
The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.
We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.
Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.
I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.
I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.
Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."
Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.
I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :D
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Pastor from Hell
Okay, I am still wishy washy...My resolve for divorce has waned again. I have been bouncing between wanting my husband to get help and just wanting a divorce. I am back to wanting it to workout again, despite knowing that only 3% of abusive men ever change (or so I've heard from counselors in the past).
My husband had been talking with a pastor...the title kinda gives this away...any who, said pastor called me two weeks ago. I had thought my husband talking to a minister would be a positive thing...turns out it wasn't. I have never talked to a pastor before who claimed to be the smartest person on the face of this planet...well, now I have.
This guy knows that I've been in an abusive marriage for nearly 4 years, so you know what he proceeds to talk about? He questions my salvation. The phrase "you claim to be a Christian" came up more times than I'd like to count. He asked me what I believed the gospel meant, I told him, but obviously I'm too stupid to understand it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm going to hell and that I don't love God. WTF? He does not know anything about me, he doesn't know how I live my daily life, or what the condition of my heart is. At least I know I don't go calling up battered women and tell them how worthless they are and they are doomed to hell. This guy is no man of God, but I think he thinks he is God. His attitude is exactly what the Bible says should not be. He is judgmental, condemning others, talks his own praise, says others are stupid...all thing the Bible plainly says are wrong.
This guy focused on the part in the Bible that talks about the woman being submissive to her husband but he totally skipped over the part about the husband serving his wife as Jesus served the church. It's because of guys like this why many people hate Christians or think they are all bigots. I think he is hateful, prideful, and a definite sexist (which the Bible DOES NOT teach). He makes me sick. I am not worthless, even going off of the Bible alone I have great worth. If God is all knowing and all powerful, how could something he created and loves dearly be considered worthless? The Bible says God loves all people, but hates some of the things they do.
This guy gave me an example of how wrong my behaviour is, which by the way, he knows nothing about me and has never even met me in person. He told me that if a child disobeys the parent, that is solid proof the child does not love the parent. This really scares me, because this guy is a parent of 3 children under the age of 3. How could any person with a child be THIS freaking ignorant? Children disobey because it is in their nature, it is how they learn. It has nothing to do with their love...NOTHING! Just because my daughter refuses to pick up a toy, does not mean she doesn't love me. Anyone who has spent any time with small children should understand this simply from observing them play. It's like saying I wouldn't love my child if she spilled her Kool-Aid on the floor. Geez...how could someone be so out of touch and get these radical and stupid ideas out of the Bible when they aren't even there? This guy seems to pick a few words out of a verse and twist the meaning on it to suit what HE wants.
The biggest area where this guy is screwing things up, is with his beliefs on depression. He thinks depression is a matter of the heart and therapists are all atheist. He basically said that therapists that "claim" to be Christian are going against God. He also referred to antidepressants and talk therapy as "bandages" that only mask the problem but don't heal it. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he was a fucking idiot. There I sat with steam coming out of my ears, and so pissed my face must have been bright red. I didn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him off more than anything, but my lack of confidence wouldn't let me openly question him.
I was so pissed when I learned that my husband has been wanting to get into therapy and this ass is telling him not to. This pastor actually told my husband that he wouldn't help him at all if he went to anyone else for help. He told my husband to go off of his antidepressant medication and told him not to go to anger management or domestic abuse classes. There have been signs that my husband might actually change...mostly that he has been accepting responsibility for what he did. His crying doesn't change my mind at all as it has been a manipulation tactic in the past. It's the "I know you aren't at fault for what I've done" comments that really get to me.
I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my husband has not been getting help. Is this all a farce and he never planned on getting help? Or is it that the "pastor" was really holding him back so badly? I haven't gotten any of my info on the pastor from my husband. He has called me twice and all my knowledge about what has went on between them is straight from this guy's mouth. I do know that he has been threatening not to help my husband if he gets therapy. I also know the ignorant shit he told me. It is a real possibility that going to this guy is the reason why my husband is not currently in any therapy and living at a homeless shelter (no joke, he really is living at the local homeless shelter until he can make enough money to support our current bills AND an apartment).
Thankfully my husband finally pissed off the pastor by questioning his beliefs about depression and treatment. I'm hoping this means he also leaves me alone, but that may just be wishful thinking. We are still talking on the phone some, and I had suggested a church to him that has been recommended to me. We can't go to the same church because of the no contact order (which we are ignoring by talking over the phone, but it isn't as obvious as being seen together in public after all). Anyways, he has attended the Thanksgiving service at this particular church and received a lot of encouragement from the assistant pastor and some of the congregation that he has spoken with. I don't know to what point he has informed them about the situation, but I know he has discussed the abuse with the pastor and has a meeting set up to speak with him further.
This new church that he is attending is a community focused church. This means that instead of sending missionaries to Africa or India, they help out in the community and minister to people in need here. I think that is probably one of the best places he could seek help from right now. His ex-pastor had a "do what I say to prove you are good enough, then I might help you" kind of attitude where this pastor has a "let me help you" attitude period. I'm hoping some positive things happen as a result of this.
I see that the ownership of what happened is there, and I see that he really gets what he has lost and how much better his life was back before he became abusive. The biggest problem is that so much of the abuse became second nature to him. He didn't stop and think about it, he just said the hurtful things automatically. It would take a lot of hard work to reprogram himself to think of me and consider me before opening his mouth. I know he has a lot of problems...but nothing justifies threatening to hurt someone or saying hurtful things consistently throughout the day. I think he has the building blocks to change, it's just that I don't know if he is willing to do the work that it would take to undo all the bad behavior and replace it with good and positive behavior.
Right now he is taking his antidepressants (he hasn't picked up the 2nd generation one yet because of lack of money, so it's just the Welbutrin XL that he's on now) and he is going to church and reading two books about healing from domestic abuse and changing the bad behavior. I know staying at the homeless shelter is something that he really didn't want to do, so I am a little impressed that he has been staying there. He also got a much better job, although he has to yet sell his first car (yes, he is a used car salesmen...those guys make better money than one would assume actually...). He has only worked there a few days though, and he does have several sales lined up where he is just waiting on the other people to get their financing approved from their bank or similar situations.
I know he has been thinking some about what things used to be like between us. He has brought it up when we've talked over the phone. He told me that he had forgotten how he used to feel towards me, and says that it is a big shock to think about exactly what it was that he lost by being abusive to me. I don't want to have false hope, but I can't help from thinking that he is starting to see how badly he fucked up his life.
Time will tell what happens here...I just really hate all the waiting. I am very thankful however that he is done with talking to that demented minister.
My husband had been talking with a pastor...the title kinda gives this away...any who, said pastor called me two weeks ago. I had thought my husband talking to a minister would be a positive thing...turns out it wasn't. I have never talked to a pastor before who claimed to be the smartest person on the face of this planet...well, now I have.
This guy knows that I've been in an abusive marriage for nearly 4 years, so you know what he proceeds to talk about? He questions my salvation. The phrase "you claim to be a Christian" came up more times than I'd like to count. He asked me what I believed the gospel meant, I told him, but obviously I'm too stupid to understand it. He proceeded to tell me that I'm going to hell and that I don't love God. WTF? He does not know anything about me, he doesn't know how I live my daily life, or what the condition of my heart is. At least I know I don't go calling up battered women and tell them how worthless they are and they are doomed to hell. This guy is no man of God, but I think he thinks he is God. His attitude is exactly what the Bible says should not be. He is judgmental, condemning others, talks his own praise, says others are stupid...all thing the Bible plainly says are wrong.
This guy focused on the part in the Bible that talks about the woman being submissive to her husband but he totally skipped over the part about the husband serving his wife as Jesus served the church. It's because of guys like this why many people hate Christians or think they are all bigots. I think he is hateful, prideful, and a definite sexist (which the Bible DOES NOT teach). He makes me sick. I am not worthless, even going off of the Bible alone I have great worth. If God is all knowing and all powerful, how could something he created and loves dearly be considered worthless? The Bible says God loves all people, but hates some of the things they do.
This guy gave me an example of how wrong my behaviour is, which by the way, he knows nothing about me and has never even met me in person. He told me that if a child disobeys the parent, that is solid proof the child does not love the parent. This really scares me, because this guy is a parent of 3 children under the age of 3. How could any person with a child be THIS freaking ignorant? Children disobey because it is in their nature, it is how they learn. It has nothing to do with their love...NOTHING! Just because my daughter refuses to pick up a toy, does not mean she doesn't love me. Anyone who has spent any time with small children should understand this simply from observing them play. It's like saying I wouldn't love my child if she spilled her Kool-Aid on the floor. Geez...how could someone be so out of touch and get these radical and stupid ideas out of the Bible when they aren't even there? This guy seems to pick a few words out of a verse and twist the meaning on it to suit what HE wants.
The biggest area where this guy is screwing things up, is with his beliefs on depression. He thinks depression is a matter of the heart and therapists are all atheist. He basically said that therapists that "claim" to be Christian are going against God. He also referred to antidepressants and talk therapy as "bandages" that only mask the problem but don't heal it. I wanted to scream at him and tell him he was a fucking idiot. There I sat with steam coming out of my ears, and so pissed my face must have been bright red. I didn't say anything to him. I wanted to tell him off more than anything, but my lack of confidence wouldn't let me openly question him.
I was so pissed when I learned that my husband has been wanting to get into therapy and this ass is telling him not to. This pastor actually told my husband that he wouldn't help him at all if he went to anyone else for help. He told my husband to go off of his antidepressant medication and told him not to go to anger management or domestic abuse classes. There have been signs that my husband might actually change...mostly that he has been accepting responsibility for what he did. His crying doesn't change my mind at all as it has been a manipulation tactic in the past. It's the "I know you aren't at fault for what I've done" comments that really get to me.
I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my husband has not been getting help. Is this all a farce and he never planned on getting help? Or is it that the "pastor" was really holding him back so badly? I haven't gotten any of my info on the pastor from my husband. He has called me twice and all my knowledge about what has went on between them is straight from this guy's mouth. I do know that he has been threatening not to help my husband if he gets therapy. I also know the ignorant shit he told me. It is a real possibility that going to this guy is the reason why my husband is not currently in any therapy and living at a homeless shelter (no joke, he really is living at the local homeless shelter until he can make enough money to support our current bills AND an apartment).
Thankfully my husband finally pissed off the pastor by questioning his beliefs about depression and treatment. I'm hoping this means he also leaves me alone, but that may just be wishful thinking. We are still talking on the phone some, and I had suggested a church to him that has been recommended to me. We can't go to the same church because of the no contact order (which we are ignoring by talking over the phone, but it isn't as obvious as being seen together in public after all). Anyways, he has attended the Thanksgiving service at this particular church and received a lot of encouragement from the assistant pastor and some of the congregation that he has spoken with. I don't know to what point he has informed them about the situation, but I know he has discussed the abuse with the pastor and has a meeting set up to speak with him further.
This new church that he is attending is a community focused church. This means that instead of sending missionaries to Africa or India, they help out in the community and minister to people in need here. I think that is probably one of the best places he could seek help from right now. His ex-pastor had a "do what I say to prove you are good enough, then I might help you" kind of attitude where this pastor has a "let me help you" attitude period. I'm hoping some positive things happen as a result of this.
I see that the ownership of what happened is there, and I see that he really gets what he has lost and how much better his life was back before he became abusive. The biggest problem is that so much of the abuse became second nature to him. He didn't stop and think about it, he just said the hurtful things automatically. It would take a lot of hard work to reprogram himself to think of me and consider me before opening his mouth. I know he has a lot of problems...but nothing justifies threatening to hurt someone or saying hurtful things consistently throughout the day. I think he has the building blocks to change, it's just that I don't know if he is willing to do the work that it would take to undo all the bad behavior and replace it with good and positive behavior.
Right now he is taking his antidepressants (he hasn't picked up the 2nd generation one yet because of lack of money, so it's just the Welbutrin XL that he's on now) and he is going to church and reading two books about healing from domestic abuse and changing the bad behavior. I know staying at the homeless shelter is something that he really didn't want to do, so I am a little impressed that he has been staying there. He also got a much better job, although he has to yet sell his first car (yes, he is a used car salesmen...those guys make better money than one would assume actually...). He has only worked there a few days though, and he does have several sales lined up where he is just waiting on the other people to get their financing approved from their bank or similar situations.
I know he has been thinking some about what things used to be like between us. He has brought it up when we've talked over the phone. He told me that he had forgotten how he used to feel towards me, and says that it is a big shock to think about exactly what it was that he lost by being abusive to me. I don't want to have false hope, but I can't help from thinking that he is starting to see how badly he fucked up his life.
Time will tell what happens here...I just really hate all the waiting. I am very thankful however that he is done with talking to that demented minister.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Super long post...
I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.
I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.
No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.
I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.
My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.
Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).
It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.
Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.
I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.
I looked online (match.com actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.
I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.
If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).
I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about lying...it just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.
My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.
Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.
I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.
The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care though...at least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.
I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.
Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.
Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol
I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.
No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.
I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.
My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.
Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).
It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.
Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.
I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.
I looked online (match.com actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.
I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.
If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).
I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about lying...it just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.
My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.
Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.
I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.
The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care though...at least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.
I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.
Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.
Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I've got nothing clever here...
My brain is pretty fried. Maybe it was all the candy I sucked in over Halloween, perhaps it twas the head cold I contracted, or most likely, both combined. My brain isn't working right though, I know that much. I sit and just space out...kinda like I'm doing now.
I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.
My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "Power Penis" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...
The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like this, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.
My brain is still fried...so I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)
I had three boxes on my step when I got home. I had went to my parent's for the weekend, and just got back home this evening. Those three boxes were quite a nice surprise I must say. The glass dildo looks awesome!!!! No, I haven't gotten to try it yet :( Once I get the girls to bed then maybe I will be able to give it a test run...I hate being sick...I really really hate being sick when I've got new toys. This stupid stuffy head is annoying, that and I gag on a huge chunk of snot every hour or so...TMI, I know...sorry.
My red hard plastic penis came too. Know what I discovered? I only have one freaking C battery!!!! It takes TWO...I have ONE!!!! I was really looking forward to trying the "Power Penis" just to see if it truly is powerful. Guess I'll try it a different day. Hope I have enough money to buy batteries...
The other glass dildo looks pretty cool. It is a little different than I was expecting. Being new and all, there is no info on it on the site besides the properties... It says it is a classic dildo, but honestly it looks more like a vaginal exerciser than anything else. Something like this, only glass, one end is much smaller than the other, the middle bump is actually in the middle, and it is dark blue. It's pretty cool actually, and it even came in a pretty box that will work great for storing it in. I feel so spoiled right now.
My brain is still fried...so I'll be going to bed now...thank goodness. :)
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