Sunday, November 9, 2008

Super long post...

I've been absent for a few days, so this is catch up.

I'll admit it...I've been getting swallowed up in depression. I see the effects but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. Things with my husband are ever the same, the money problem isn't looking any better, my children are misbehaving, and my depression just keeps getting worse. I have an application to get talk therapy, but filling it out has been difficult. It is a simple application, and it shouldn't take me long to do it, but honestly I haven't been able to force myself to sit and fill it out yet.

No one knows how dark and deep the state of my mind is. I've stopped telling people that I'm depressed because I only get comments like "everyone is depressed" "so what?" "it could be worse" and a multitude of other insanely callous phrases. I've sunk back into that spot where I can't find motivation for anything, but I put a smile on my face and hide how I feel when anyone can see me. I've stopped doing the housework, I've stopped trying to teach my children, hell, I'm not really doing anything besides waiting. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm waiting for.

I have been talking to my husband some over the phone, though it is clear that he is not going to change. I know what I have to do, but I am having a really difficult time believing that I can. I need to get into therapy as soon as possible. Suicide is something that looks like a great option again. I don't sit and think of reasons to kill myself, I sit and try to think of reasons not to...the list gets ever shorter and shorter. I have used my children as a motivator for about as long as they've been alive. There are behaving so badly, there are times I can't stand to look at them. I have so many negative feelings towards them, even though I know I shouldn't. They are innocent little children, and honestly if they are little monsters is it my fault for not teaching them better.

My girls are a source of frustration for me now. My oldest has been absolutely horrid today. I refused to let her have some candy, so she took the sugar bowl into her room. She hid in there and ate the entire bowl of sugar. It doesn't matter if I tell her something is wrong and explaining why doesn't matter either. Think I can get her to stop chewing on things and destroying her toys? Nope, not a chance in hell. She had a cup and a plastic glass that she was filling with water from the fridge dispenser. Then she would take them into her sister's room (not her own room of course) and pour them out into a spot on the carpet. She pulled all of her shirts off their hangers, she took all the clothes out of her sisters dresser drawers, she got into my makeup, she peed on her floor...I am ready to pull my hair out!!!! This is just today.

Yesterday we had "nap time" like usual after lunch. I usually take this time to do dishes and wash some laundry, but yesterday I decided I was so exhausted I would take a nap too. Well, I woke up to the sound of plastic being crinkled. The 2-year-old was standing there holding a bagel bag. It was empty. Upon looking in the bedrooms, I discovered the 4 year old girl sitting on the floor amongst pieces of ripped up bagels. They had been mini bagels, and it had been a brand new bag that was full. I knew they were not hungry, because we had eaten lunch right before the nap. They ate some of the bagels, but most of them got ripped into tiny shreds and threw about in the bedroom of the eldest girl. Yesterday there was also some accidents (shitting their pants) the pile of clean clothes that were freshly folded and waiting to be put away got thrown onto the floor and mixed in with the hamper full of dirty clothes (they were playing in all of them and I didn't have time to stop them before they threw the clean ones in and mixed them together).

It seems like they do things that annoy the shit out of me every single day. I can't entertain them enough, I can't do enough for them to keep out of stuff. At one point earlier I got so upset that I just put them in their rooms for a few minutes. I really need to get away from them for awhile. I hate not having a break from them. I don't have enough money to put them in day care, and babysitters are too expensive too. I had looked into head start, but the ones here won't take the younger girl because she isn't potty trained yet (I live in the wrong city for it. The one city in MT does have a head start that takes smaller children...just not where I live). I am so overwhelmed and exhausted that I feel like I'm going crazy. I just need to get away from them for awhile.

Maybe today I can force myself to fill out the paperwork for therapy. Why can't people just call and say "hey, I need to talk to someone" ? Would that really be so horrid? Why do I have to fill out a stupid application and wait for them to add me to the list? I thought about committing myself to the hospital last night. I seriously need some help, but I don't know if I can fight tooth and nail to get it at this point. My good days are shitty and my bad days somehow don't cause me to completely loose it, or at least not yet. I can't go to any of the smaller practices because I am broke. The bigger place that I am trying to get into is one of the only ones here that offer a sliding scale for payments.

I want to have fun again. I can't believe how upbeat and happy I was when I first met my husband. It seemed like I had everything together for the first time in my life and I was proud of myself for it. I am such a sad pathetic shell of what I once was. I try to be strong in front of others because I hate being weak. When I'm upset, I'm not sure if I cry because I'm sad, or because I am pissed that I feel so weak. I know I should NOT even begin looking for a boyfriend. I keep thinking that I would like to know that I could get someone else though. It would be great to have someone to laugh with and just hang out with, but fuck too. I seriously don't have many friends here, and I am not close to the friends I do have.

I looked online ( actually) for singles in the area. There are more available men here than I thought there would be. I have to admit some of them are pretty freaking hot and actually fit my criteria. If the damn smoking didn't give me migraines I would have a lot more options than I currently do, but there seems to be a good amount of men here who do not smoke.

I would like to contact a couple of them (they seriously look like great guys and are very attractive besides) but I don't think I will. If I started a relationship now I would probably scare the guy away. What guy would want a woman coming out of an abusive marriage? Seriously?! I am afraid that I would get in too deep too fast, and just sort of cling...thus driving him away. I would like someone to hang out with and have fun, but not sure I want THAT type of guy either. Ideally, I would like someone who would be my friend and would be fun to be around, who didn't mind some crazy hot sex, but was looking for it to turn into a marriage someday. I do not want to date a hot and fun guy to have it go nowhere. I am not the kind of woman that likes dating different men. I enjoy a monogamous relationship, and would be most comfortable and happy with someone who was committed.

If those guys really are awesome, what if it could work out with one of them, but I beat around the bush and missed the opportunity? What if I just went for it and jumped in, but ruined a great relationship with a hell of a guy because I wasn't yet healed from my marriage? Damned if I do, damned if I don't...or at least that's how I feel. I met my husband only a couple months after splitting with my previous fiance, but at least I had went through counseling and had gotten help. I was actually healed from all the hurt and my counselor had told me I didn't need therapy anymore, just to continue to journal. It always made me feel good that that woman told me she was amazed at my maturity and strength...probably the only time I've been told that where I actually believed it. I was 17 at the time and turned 18 in the couple months between leaving the fiance and meeting my husband (soon to be ex).

I have decided I want to move on...I know I've said that before. After talking to my husband I got to thinking about the good things that had happened between us, and I was scared of change. I am not strong enough to go through this without caving and having moments of weakness...who is? He told me he would go to therapy and was working to make things better. Well, after enough bullshit it finally came out that he has been lying to me about smoking still. I went out of my way to explain to him that no matter what happened the ABSOLUTE WORST thing he could do would be to lie to me. I know he understood...but he lied anyway. That was the last straw for me. Even now, even after all that has happened, he doesn't feel that it is imperative to be honest with me. I hate liars...I really really hate liars. Liars are stupid, because they always get caught. A liar is a liar is a liar. Liars lie about lying...liars lie about lies about just never ends. My husband has lied to me about everything imaginable. He lied about his feelings for me, he lied about his past (trying to hide it from me because I was such an obvious bitch I would leave him if I found out he had been molested as a child (that really pissed me off...what kind of person would leave someone because they had been abused as a child?!)) he has lied to me about what he eats, if he drinks alcohol, if he smokes, when he works, when he showers or not, who his friends are...I don't think there is a single thing left that he has not lied to me about. It makes me sick.

My number one requirement for a new relationship...he MUST be honest. I want someone who is so honest in fact that he gets himself in trouble for it. If I wore something that showed off my belly fat and asked if I looked fat or not...he would have to be honest and say YES!! Honesty above all else. I am honest (and yes, I have gotten into trouble for it) and want to be with someone who also values honesty. I feel that if there is a problem it needs to be addressed. Lying and hiding only creates a problem to blow up later. When people are honest with each other, it may hurt, but at least they can then begin to heal and there is the trust that can't be replaced or fixed once lost. My marriage was based on lies...he lied to me because he thought I wouldn't want him otherwise...only he found out later that wasn't the case. I wanted him and was loyal to him through everything...I'm only leaving now because the marriage is dead and he abandoned me through abuse.

Another reason I am not sure I want to contact anyone else right now is my home. Honestly, I hate this place. It is in need of refinishing, and though I started on it I no longer have the means to fix anything. I have not been able to catch up on the housework either, and am embarrassed by it. I put all the clothes away, then the girls drag them out again. I have them put their toys away, and it stays that way for about 30 minutes then the place is a mess again. I scrub and I clean for days at a time, but never get everything caught up.

I'm not sure what to do about my children either. If I dated someone, I would rather they not be introduced until I knew if he would be around for awhile or not. I will never ask my family to watch my children while I go on a date either. Some members of my family are pissed that I am considering divorce, I can only imagine the crap I would get it I started dating again. I don't have the money for day care right now either, so that would make it hard. Once I get a divorce though, then I will be able to get child support payments which will mean I'll be able to get help with day care through a local organization. I can't get help with them though if I'm not receiving child support. It is actually difficult for me to apply for a lot of things because my husband and I are only separated and not divorced yet.

The children pose another problem with dating...I have to find a guy who is open to dating a single mother. Most of the guys I saw online said they wanted someone who had no children and had never been married...even though most of them were divorced with children themselves. Two of the guys I am most attracted to said they didn't care least I am young and still have time to find someone...thank God I am not 40 and going through this. I really want to get remarried and have at least one child. I'd like to adopt someday too, not sure exactly why, but I've always wanted to adopt a child. There is something about giving a home to a child no one else will take...I think every child deserves to be loved and live in a safe home where he or she knows they belong.

I wish I could just make the decision to be healed and over this, and that would be that. I hate that I go back and forth. I wish my husband would get a girlfriend, at least then I would know he didn't still want me. I hate having him pull at me. This is kind of a dangerous line I'm walking. I don't want the marriage to work, but I feel like I have to tell him I do. I don't think it would be very smart of me to tell him I don't want to be married to him. I've kind of tried to hint at it, but I can't make myself just come out and say it. I keep worrying that if he thinks this is desperate, he may go to extremes to force me to stay (like threatening me again). I've also been concerned that if he thinks there is no hope of saving the marriage that he may not provide any money at all for the girls. I don't want to play with fire, but that is what this is. Therapy would be good, I need to get into that as soon as I can.

Maybe I'll make some coffee and work on that application now. It would be good if I could get it turned in tomorrow.

Geez, I feel SOOOOO much better now. I should force myself to delve deeper into my journal and stop putting so much of this shit on my blog. I hadn't written at all for a few days there, and it feel great to get it all off my chest. Ha, maybe I'll fill out my "crazy papers" then watch some Star Trek or something. My lame, lame life. lol


Adriana said...

As long as it helps to get it out. I wish you luck with everything.

toygirl said...

Hi there,
I just found your blog through edenfantasys. I'm 23 and I just got out of a 4 year long abusive relationship with someone who had been molested as a child. I'm now struggling with depression, PTSD, and being on-and-off suicidal. I'm still completely in love with him and it makes me miserable. I can't seem to cut off contact with him, and I think about him and want him all the time. I don't claim to know everything you're going through, but a lot of what you've written resonates with me. So, I guess, just know that I hear you and I want us both to make it.

BustyBulma said...

Thanks Adriana :)

Toygirl, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through something similar too. It seems unavoidable though, everywhere I look there are women who are currently dealing with an abusive situation or they have been through it in the past. It's definitely not easy to deal with all the emotions and heartache that is involved, anyone who says it is has never been through it. If only we could control our hearts...I want both of us to make it too :)