Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Illegal sex is HOT sex!

Illegal sex...what exactly does that mean? Well, most of the time it means rape or statutory rape, but what I'm talking about is sex with someone the court has ordered to stay away from you. Yes...I had sex with my abusive husband. Stupid I know. I couldn't help it, I get soooooo feakin' horny when I ovulate. I have had sex with him three times during the past couple weeks.

The sex between us had gotten pretty stale before the big blow out. It had gotten to the point where I was initiating the sex at least 90% of the time. It was still really good, just the passion from my husband had became pretty non-existent. He didn't try to kiss me or caress me during sex at all, and often he only wanted to lay there while I did all the work. I bought more and more sex toys, and yes they did help alot actually. I was able to get his interest up again and it seemed like things were going really good for awhile. It didn't take too long before the toys weren't exciting enough though. He just sunk deeper and deeper into a self pity/hate depression and withdrew from me completely. I was having to beg for sex and was moving to using toys more and more to replace the sex I was no longer getting from him.

We hadn't had sex for a few days before he was arrested, and I had zero interest in sex for a good two weeks after the arrest. I slowly got some of my sex drive back, but was still very distracted by the marital situation and my utter state of confusion. We had started talking over the phone a little bit, and we talked about spending one night together. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted it so badly I conceded and invited him to stay a single night.

Maybe it was what people refer to as "make-up sex" which is something I've never really had. I realize it was probably fitting of the "honeymoon" phase where the abuser is super nice to the victim...but fuck it was HOT! I can't help it, I really enjoyed it. I don't think we had had sex like that since we were newlyweds. He kissed me, and he touched me everywhere. He didn't just go strength for my cunt like he used to do, but he actually caressed my whole body. He used to turn his face away from me during missionary, but this time he kissed me on my neck and my lips. He looked into my eyes several times too, that's something he NEVER used to do during sex. He actually touched me DURING sex as well. He hadn't grabbed my hips and pulled me closer since before we were married. He kept looking at me and telling me how great I felt/smelled/looked. It had been so long since I had seen desire in his face that I honestly didn't know how to react.

I never realized before how incredibly easy it was for him to turn me on. I had gotten used to warming myself up and then pursuing him until he allowed me to have sex with him. I was shocked when I felt the aching throbs of desire simply from him kissing me and laying his hand gently on my hip.

I thought back to how sex used to be between us. The first time we had sex, it was his first time having consensual sex (he had been raped at age 11 by a friend, and there was several claims of sexual abuse at the hands of his stepfather that were made by his psycho-bitch mother when he was age 6-7) and he was beyond nervous. He actually lost his erection several times during that first encounter because he was so nervous. It was awkward and not mind blowing at all. The second time we had sex however, we stayed up all night long and it really was mind blowing then. When we moved in together we had sex at least 3 times each day and never finished a movie without having sex during it (at home, I was never so brave as to attempt public sex at the movies). We were together a year when we married, and the sex just got better and better as we learned what each other liked as well as our own desires. When he fractured his penis during sex that really hurt our sex life as he was no longer able to perform like he could before. We used toys to spice it up some though, and eventually we got through it and had some more years of really great sex.

Once the abuse started though, the sex was one of the first areas to suffer. The abuse was really gradual, and slow building. At first it was just little comments that were hurtful. Around the same time he stopped touching me as much during sex. As the verbal assaults got worse we stopped kissing altogether, not just during sex. He stopped pursuing me, and he actually used sex to hurt me by constantly rejecting me. He would actually push me away if I would try to touch him or undo his pants. He pushed me away once when I was trying to give him a blow job...and no, he wasn't busy at the time, just sitting on the couch (he wasn't even watching tv). I decided once to not go after him anymore...we didn't have sex for over three weeks. I finally caved and went back to pursuing him every night. I got rejected so many times that it would actually surprise me when I'd finally get a "oh, I guess if you really want to we can."

Those 3 times we've had sex while separated, it has felt like it did back when things were good, back before the abuse started. I know it is dangerous to open myself up like that. Having toys has really helped me cope, but there comes a certain point when only a real person is good enough. I know he is still an abuser, he's just in the honeymoon phase of it. I can't deny that it feels amazing to be wanted by the one person who has been rejecting me so faithfully for nearly 4 years. It makes me feel good to know that he wants me, but it also hurts to realize that he only wants me because he can't have me whenever he wants.

I am still very confused, and I have no clue how things will work out. In a way, he is using me and I am using him. One thing I do know is that the sex has been really really good :D


toygirl said...

The withholding of affection/sex is so so so damaging. I'm so sorry you've been going through that.

BustyBulma said...

Him refusing to be affectionate towards me or pursue me sexually hurt me a lot more than the name calling ever did. On some level it was the same as him saying I wasn't good enough for him to want me.

Thanks so much for your comments :) Hope all is going well for you.