I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(
On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.
I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.
I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.
The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?
I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one.
Ugh...so much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Bored to death
I am bored, bored, bored, and lonely. It really shows too...this is my THIRD post today! Seriously, I am horrified by my own boredom. I pray that I don't start putting a sock on my hand and talking to it. I already talk to the cat... I feel like Pontoffel Pock, wishing I could just get away from it all...pretty sure I could figure out the whole pull-ems and push-ems thing though ;) I doubt my extreme fear of heights would allow me to fly through the air sitting on a piano bench, magical or no.
I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.
Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's ass...no question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's hollow...cool song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(
I watched the first two episodes of Denno Coil, an anime. I actually like it so far, it's different from what I usually watch. The part real, part virtual world is interesting to say the least.
Now that my husband and I are no longer together, guess I don't have to wait on him to watch Bleach. I think I may watch a couple tonight then watch the others tomorrow. I need to watch the 2nd movie too. I found an awesome AMV someone did of bleach. Click here to see it. One big thing that should have been shown was Ichigo wearing his mask, that would have been really great. I guess it is probably a little old for that though...I may have to look for a new one. I heard how awesome Naruto was, and I've watched a good 30 some episodes of it...Bleach totally kicks Naruto's ass...no question there. It can drag on some once in a while, but seeing Kenpachi fight is totally worth it :D Found another pretty cool amv, this one is of Ichigo's hollow...cool song too, very fitting. Awesome anime...I may need to start watching from the beginning again, just because it's so awesome :) Think I'll go catchup on a couple of those episodes now, then off to bed...lonely, cold, bed :(
Something I pulled out of my ass.
Okay, the title probably sounds pretty gross...I will admit it, it sounds EXTREMELY gross. lol Anyways, I was bored and lonely, so I just sat down and wrote this. I haven't done any editing on it or anything, so there are likely to be some errors and poor word choices. The flow probably won't be that great either, but it was for fun anyways. The characters are from a story I was writing when a teenager. Basically he is an assassin that she has hired to escort her and be her body guard while she hunts down a treasure. The tone is not ment to be "fucking," as they are just discovering that they both desire each other. Anyways, I hope everybody enjoys it :)
Shivering with cold, she clutched the worn blanket closer to her bosom. The wind howled and beat upon the thin walls of the tiny shelter. The embers crackled softly and the firelight danced around the room, filling the air with at least the look of warmth.
He lay a few feet away, on furs, with only his cloak for added protection against the frigid air. He was quiet, so still he may have been dead. She knew he did not sleep; she had never seen him sleep. He always waited until she had fallen into slumber, and made sure to rise before her in the morning.
This nameless, faceless, wanderer who lived by his dagger had probably killed more people than words slipped from his lips. He always hid himself. It was as if he had no emotion, neither happiness nor sorrow. He had shown neither fear nor anger. In the 3 months they had been traveling together, he was still as much a mystery as the day he first stepped into the pub.
The ebony eye mask covered his entire upper face, and she had never seen him without it. The narrow slits allowed only his ice blue eyes to be seen. The cloth mask he wore around the lower area of his face covered the rest of his face and his neck completely. He would pull it down to eat or drink, but this was mostly done with his back towards her. Why the excessive endeavor to hide his face? Was he hideous underneath? Perhaps he did not wish his victims to know him while they died.
Millicent drew a deep breath, and held it. She was cold, so very cold. He lay closer to the fire than she. Slowly she crawled on hands and knees over to him. He did not stir, he did not look. She knew he was aware…he was always aware. Gently she lowered herself between him and fire, drawing as close to him as possible. Still he did not move.
The blanket still clung to her, providing no warmth. Lifting his cloak gently she slid beneath it and into his warmth. It did not matter that he made his living as an assassin, at that moment he was the only heat available. The heat from his chest began to penetrate her, warming her enough for the shivering to stop. Her face lay pressed against his chest, his heat beat sounded in her head.
Warmth crawled through her body. Without thinking she scooted up, closer to his face. She pressed her lips against the cloth of his mask. He opened his eyes to gauge her, but he did not move away. She felt a slight pressure on her back, and slowly it sunk into her heart that he was touching her, pulling her closer. Her fingers still cold and a little stiff, she pulled the cloth, slowly and gently, down his face. This was the first time seeing any of his face so closely. The cloth slid effortlessly down his nose and off of his chin, revealing the lips she so desperately sought.
She brought her lips closer to his a second time, and they parted to accept her. He was gentler than she could have ever imagined. He didn’t just let her kiss him, but he kissed her back. There was a passion and a desire behind his warm skin that surprised her. His hands found their way to the back of her corset, where the laces slipped loose, freeing her breasts. He removed it from her, and cast it gently behind him. His hands moved underneath her loose blouse, caressing her soft skin.
The touch was firm and strong as he pulled her ever closer to him. His strong arms embraced her, and his lips caressed hers. Her hands were lying gently on his chest, until she lowered them. His muscles were strong and easily felt through his shirt. The belt clasp of his sheath came loose in her hands, and she felt increased warmth radiating from his body. The lacing of his pants came loose freely, and her hand found its way to his hip. She caressed him, but did not touch the area that pined for her hand.
He pulled her skirt up, and ripped her undergarments free from her. His cloak stayed over them as he rose above her. His legs slipped between hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to race through her. The aching was becoming strong, as the desire increased. He lowered down between her quivering legs, stroking them with his hands.
A tear escaped from her eye as he pressed his erection against her. With the gentle guidance of his hand, he parted her moist lips and slipped inside of her. A wave of pleasure overtook her as she was gently stretched to accommodate his girth. He pressed deeply into her and caressed her hip with his hand. His lips eagerly sought hers out, and he locked onto them as he began thrusting into her.
Her mind was lost in the moment. His breath was hurried with desire, and his body was taut. He smelled good to her, and she breathed in deeply as she buried her face against his neck. He was warm, and the firmness of his penis brought her immense pleasure. She could feel her body grasp at him, squeezing eagerly. Warmth began to build inside of her abdomen, and her vagina clenched tightly onto him. He pressed against her tightly as her body began the throws of orgasm. Moans escaped her lips, and her chest heaved with each breath. Her fingers grasped at his hips, scratching him lightly. He watched her, and continued pounding into her hungry muscles. His hands grasped at her and his chest pressed against her breasts, enjoying the convulsions of pleasure he had caused her.
He hastened his thrusts, and his breath held. His muscles became rock hard, and he froze over her for a second. She could feel him throb inside of her as he released his seed. A small sigh of pleasure escaped from his lips as his body jerked into her. The pulsing slowed, and he relaxed. The kiss he gave her was tender, but fleeting. He pulled out of her, exposing her to the cold as he pressed himself back into his pants and tied the laces shut tightly. He pulled her skirt back down around her legs and lay next to her scooping her up in his arms. She was warm, and she was satisfied. He drew the blanket and the cloak around them tightly as her eyes closed and sleep took her.
Shivering with cold, she clutched the worn blanket closer to her bosom. The wind howled and beat upon the thin walls of the tiny shelter. The embers crackled softly and the firelight danced around the room, filling the air with at least the look of warmth.
He lay a few feet away, on furs, with only his cloak for added protection against the frigid air. He was quiet, so still he may have been dead. She knew he did not sleep; she had never seen him sleep. He always waited until she had fallen into slumber, and made sure to rise before her in the morning.
This nameless, faceless, wanderer who lived by his dagger had probably killed more people than words slipped from his lips. He always hid himself. It was as if he had no emotion, neither happiness nor sorrow. He had shown neither fear nor anger. In the 3 months they had been traveling together, he was still as much a mystery as the day he first stepped into the pub.
The ebony eye mask covered his entire upper face, and she had never seen him without it. The narrow slits allowed only his ice blue eyes to be seen. The cloth mask he wore around the lower area of his face covered the rest of his face and his neck completely. He would pull it down to eat or drink, but this was mostly done with his back towards her. Why the excessive endeavor to hide his face? Was he hideous underneath? Perhaps he did not wish his victims to know him while they died.
Millicent drew a deep breath, and held it. She was cold, so very cold. He lay closer to the fire than she. Slowly she crawled on hands and knees over to him. He did not stir, he did not look. She knew he was aware…he was always aware. Gently she lowered herself between him and fire, drawing as close to him as possible. Still he did not move.
The blanket still clung to her, providing no warmth. Lifting his cloak gently she slid beneath it and into his warmth. It did not matter that he made his living as an assassin, at that moment he was the only heat available. The heat from his chest began to penetrate her, warming her enough for the shivering to stop. Her face lay pressed against his chest, his heat beat sounded in her head.
Warmth crawled through her body. Without thinking she scooted up, closer to his face. She pressed her lips against the cloth of his mask. He opened his eyes to gauge her, but he did not move away. She felt a slight pressure on her back, and slowly it sunk into her heart that he was touching her, pulling her closer. Her fingers still cold and a little stiff, she pulled the cloth, slowly and gently, down his face. This was the first time seeing any of his face so closely. The cloth slid effortlessly down his nose and off of his chin, revealing the lips she so desperately sought.
She brought her lips closer to his a second time, and they parted to accept her. He was gentler than she could have ever imagined. He didn’t just let her kiss him, but he kissed her back. There was a passion and a desire behind his warm skin that surprised her. His hands found their way to the back of her corset, where the laces slipped loose, freeing her breasts. He removed it from her, and cast it gently behind him. His hands moved underneath her loose blouse, caressing her soft skin.
The touch was firm and strong as he pulled her ever closer to him. His strong arms embraced her, and his lips caressed hers. Her hands were lying gently on his chest, until she lowered them. His muscles were strong and easily felt through his shirt. The belt clasp of his sheath came loose in her hands, and she felt increased warmth radiating from his body. The lacing of his pants came loose freely, and her hand found its way to his hip. She caressed him, but did not touch the area that pined for her hand.
He pulled her skirt up, and ripped her undergarments free from her. His cloak stayed over them as he rose above her. His legs slipped between hers, causing a shiver of anticipation to race through her. The aching was becoming strong, as the desire increased. He lowered down between her quivering legs, stroking them with his hands.
A tear escaped from her eye as he pressed his erection against her. With the gentle guidance of his hand, he parted her moist lips and slipped inside of her. A wave of pleasure overtook her as she was gently stretched to accommodate his girth. He pressed deeply into her and caressed her hip with his hand. His lips eagerly sought hers out, and he locked onto them as he began thrusting into her.
Her mind was lost in the moment. His breath was hurried with desire, and his body was taut. He smelled good to her, and she breathed in deeply as she buried her face against his neck. He was warm, and the firmness of his penis brought her immense pleasure. She could feel her body grasp at him, squeezing eagerly. Warmth began to build inside of her abdomen, and her vagina clenched tightly onto him. He pressed against her tightly as her body began the throws of orgasm. Moans escaped her lips, and her chest heaved with each breath. Her fingers grasped at his hips, scratching him lightly. He watched her, and continued pounding into her hungry muscles. His hands grasped at her and his chest pressed against her breasts, enjoying the convulsions of pleasure he had caused her.
He hastened his thrusts, and his breath held. His muscles became rock hard, and he froze over her for a second. She could feel him throb inside of her as he released his seed. A small sigh of pleasure escaped from his lips as his body jerked into her. The pulsing slowed, and he relaxed. The kiss he gave her was tender, but fleeting. He pulled out of her, exposing her to the cold as he pressed himself back into his pants and tied the laces shut tightly. He pulled her skirt back down around her legs and lay next to her scooping her up in his arms. She was warm, and she was satisfied. He drew the blanket and the cloak around them tightly as her eyes closed and sleep took her.
Lonely, oh so lonely...
Ugh...no one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.
I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.
I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."
I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.
This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.
I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...
I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.
I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."
I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.
This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.
I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Trying to make a plan
I have no idea what my husband is doing or will do, so for now I am living like he doesn't exist. It is easier to think of him as dead than it is to always worry about what he may or may not do. I spent most of today feeling utterly destitute and helpless. I was having what seemed like one big panic attack for several hours.
I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.
I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly could...you know...to freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family thick...it is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I said...no amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely worthless...now I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.
I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.
Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?
My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.
Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.
I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.
This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.
I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.
Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)
I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.
I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly could...you know...to freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family thick...it is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I said...no amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely worthless...now I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.
I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.
Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?
My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.
Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.
I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.
This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.
I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.
Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
182 dollars is a joke...right?
One more day...I've made it through one more day on my own. I was hoping today would be easier than yesterday, but it wasn't...it was actually harder. So many times I've wanted to call my husband and ask him "why?" I just want some answers...but I can't have them. If I even tried contacting him, I could go to jail. I don't know if he is going to get a different job to replace the pizza delivery job, I don't know if he is going to start therapy on his own, I don't know if he wants to work towards change, I don't know if he is just going to disappear....I don't know what's going on and it's driving me crazy.
Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.
Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.
I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.
I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.
Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.
Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.
I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.
I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.
I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.
I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct direction...like giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!
I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.
I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.
I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.
I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be nice...to be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.
I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.
Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...
Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.
Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.
I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.
I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.
Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.
Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.
I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.
I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.
I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.
I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct direction...like giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!
I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.
I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.
I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.
I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be nice...to be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.
Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.
I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.
Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...
Where the hell did my life go?
I have no idea where to even start. It is no secret that my husband has been emotionally, verbally, economically, and psychically abusive towards me. Most of the things started really gradually, then just got worse as time went by. He is not always abusive either. It almost seems like he is two different people. For a couple days he will be very sweet and loving, then without warning will switch to being incredibly mean and throwing out put downs hourly. It will usually last for a few days or a week, then with nothing changing or happening he will just switch back to being loving.
I've tried so hard to get him back into therapy, to talk to someone, so seek help. He admits that he is abusive towards me, but he sticks to the mantra "I haven't hit you, so it's not that bad." Hitting me is the only thing he has not done to me. He has physically restrained me, locked me out of the house on a cold night, raped me while I slept...then there's all the emotional stuff. One day I'm sexy, the next day I'm disgusting. It has been so exhausting living like this. I've been in a constant depression and fighting it with everything I've got.
Things changed on Sunday night. It all started over a video game. I love video games, I always have and I always will. My husband on the other hand, uses them to escape his life. They mean more to him than the girls and I do, he has made that clear through both actions and words. The first time he threatened to kill me was because I told him it wasn't an appropriate time to play a video game. I didn't provoke him, I didn't pick at him, nothing. All I had said was "if you're getting this upset, then you shouldn't play it anymore." That was enough for him to throw the controller on the floor breaking it (it hit only a couple inches from our youngest girl) and he began screaming at me. He stood over me and pulled his fist back and told me "I should beat you to death." The second time he threatened to kill me was a little different. I don't remember what it was over, but the fight escalated to the point where I had given up on living. I figured it would just be better to die than to keep living with a man who didn't love me and didn't respect me. It was really stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I was so upset that I was afraid I would commit suicide. I needed to do something physical to release some of the pain (I used to cut when I was in high school and dating an abusive guy, which was incredibly hard for me to stop but I did). I hit myself on the head. It wasn't hard, it didn't hurt me. It was more of an action that I could use to focus on, just to keep from snapping and slitting my throat. Anyways, my husband freaked out and grabbed a nearby hammer and swung it at me. He stopped it just inches from my skull, telling me "that would make you stop, wouldn't it you stupid bitch?"
I've tried so hard to make things better, but nothing has had any impact nor helped. Sunday night I tried to get away from him like I always do when the fighting and screaming starts. I went into the bathroom, he followed me, insulting me the whole time. I asked him repeatedly to just leave me alone, or let me leave. He always just said "no." I finally asked him "what do you expect from me? You just want me to sit here and be abused?" His response was "like you have a choice." At that point I knew there was no talking to him. He was in a place where he was completely desensitized towards me. I wasn't his wife anymore, I wasn't his lover, or the mother of his children. All I was to him in that moment was someone for him to vent all his emotions onto. I was his emotional punching bag, and afraid that I would be a physical one too.
My husband has this weird thing with being tired. He is always tired, and tends to fall asleep when extremely upset or emotional. I think it is a defense mechanism, but it doesn't matter what it is as it gave me an opening. I waited until he started falling asleep then I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I managed to get to the car and inside of it before he reached me. The first thing I did was lock the doors, then I started the car and backed out of the driveway. I barely missed him, and he tried to run in front of the car to block me. I swerved around him and he punched the trunk of the car as I drove away.
I had no idea where to go or what to do. All I had on me was my driver's license, two dollars in cash, my keys, my jacket, my cell phone, and a finger nail file. I drove across town to an Albertson's store where I parked in the parking lot. It was 11:30 at night, and 40 degrees outside. I just sat there and cried. I didn't know what to do, I was confused and scared. I had left my girls at the house. They had been asleep in their beds before we even started fighting. My phone rang, but I didn't answer it. It was my husband, and he left a voice mail. I listened to it. He was crying and apologizing for fighting. He said he was afraid I would hurt myself (I left the house to protect myself, so I'm not sure where he got the idea I wanted to die). I wasn't sure if he really was sorry or not, but it seemed like the anger was gone, so I called him back. We talked for about 30 minutes, most of which he was assuring me that he would seek therapy the next morning and that he didn't want to hurt me. My phone battery died while we were talking. I was hopeful that perhaps he meant what he had said. I had been wanting him to get into therapy again for several months. I thought the fighting was over, and that we would be able to make a plan of action for setting things back on the right track again.
I drove home and parked in the driveway. I just sat there, trying to collect my thoughts and clear my mind. My husband came out of the house and got in the car with me. He was very sweet and gentle with me at first. I smelled alcohol on his breath and he admitted he had been drinking, though it was never made clear how much he had. He apologized a few more times and told me that he would do whatever it would take to keep our marriage together. I started talking about him maybe going to the hospital that night to talk to someone, and not waiting until the morning. I wanted him to do it to prove that he was willing to change. Well, it pissed him off and the name calling and put downs started again. He began threatening to call the cops on me and have them take me to the hospital and lock me up because I was so "fucking insane." I just sat and cried, I knew better than to try and talk with him. I waited until he started falling asleep again, then I bolted for the house. I got there and got the door locked seconds before he got to the door.
He was extremely pissed at me for locking him out of the house. I was so scared. I could see in his face that he wanted me dead. I don't think I've ever seen so much raw hatred in him before. He told me to unlock the door or he would break out the door window. I told him that I couldn't, I was too scared he would hurt me. He said "I don't care about that." and continued to make threats. I thought about running and plugging my phone in so I could call 911, but I knew if I left his sight he would kick the door down and kill me. He punched the door window, and discovered he couldn't break the plexi-glass. He told me again to open the door. I told him that I was afraid if I let him in he would try to kill me, his response was "I don't FUCKING care!" I was trembling and sobbing, wishing the nightmare would end. He said he was going to break a window to get in, and he started walking off the steps. I knew it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, I was going to die. I was afraid of him breaking something and waking up the children, so I unlocked the door.
He came in and stood over me, swearing and screaming at me. I felt so defeated, and for a while I wished he would just beat me to death and get it over with. I had given up all hope. When he saw that I wasn't going to fight back, he calmed some. I imagine he saw that he had won. He stopped screaming and began calmly putting me down. He started saying things, like how stupid I am, that I am crazy, what a horrible person, mother, and wife I am. He told me how I didn't deserve to live and that it was my fault he was angry at me. He told me that if I wasn't such a bitch, he wouldn't have to be mean to me. He said that when I had scratched his video game (it didn't ruin it) that I had destroyed the only thing in this world that meant anything to him. My heart utterly broke when he said that. I couldn't tell myself that I meant something to him anymore. He had confirmed that I was worthless to him.
My phone was sitting on the counter, my keys were in my hand. I threw them at him which distracted him. He bent over to pick them up, and I ran. I went out the front door and just ran. I looked back and saw him following me. I ran as fast and as hard as I could. I ran a couple blocks straight then I made a turn and zig-zagged through blocks for awhile. I was thankfully still wearing my jacket, even though my legs were already cold and I felt like my heart was going to explode from running so hard. I looked back and I couldn't see him. I collapsed on the ground, hiding behind a tree. I just sat there and cried, trying to catch my breath. My legs hurt from how hard I had been running, and I could feel that my throat was raw.
I heard a car, and when I looked, I recognized it as ours. He had went back to get it. When I saw him, I knew in my heart that if he found me he would run me over. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I fought blacking out. I hid behind the trunk of tree until he had drove past. I got up and ran again. I went back to the house with the intention of plugging in my phone and calling the police. When I got there, I was out of breath and frightened nearly to death. The side door was locked. I started crying harder now, as I began to realize what this meant. I went around to the front door and found it was also locked. There was no way for me to get inside. I couldn't check on my girls, I couldn't call for help. I never once thought of knocking on a neighbors door, I don't know why, but it never even occurred to me. I ran into the back yard and sat down next to the garage. I was in a shadow and I wouldn't be visible from the street, although it was easy for me to look around the edge and see the street.
I had no idea what to do. I just sat there, sheltered from the wind, trying not to pee myself. I have never cried harder in my life than sitting there, locked out of my own home, separated from my children. I felt so guilty for leaving them. They were in the house, alone. My husband was out searching for me, I saw him drive by the house several times. He left them there. If he had truly wanted to find me to help me, he would have stayed in the house and called the police. Instead, he didn't call anyone, but left our children locked in the house while he searched for me. I assumed he wanted to kill me.
I sat there for what seemed hours. Finally he parked the car in the driveway, and went into the alley with a flashlight. He saw me. There were two fences separating us, so I ran. I went through the gate by the house on the opposite side of the yard, and I shut it behind me. I ran a block away and stood behind a large tree. I watched around the tree as he looked for me. He looked around the yard, and apparently he hadn't seen me go through the gate. He went back around the house to the other side out of my view. I ran for a couple blocks then slowed to a walk. I looked behind me several times, but didn't see him.
I didn't know where to go. I walked by a school, and the reader board said it was 3:13 in the morning. I had been outside for about two hours. Every place nearby would be closed. The only place I could think to go to was Walgreens. It was over 15 blocks away, but it was the closest store that stayed open 24 hours.
My heart jumped every time I saw a car. I was still scared to death. My legs hurt so badly, but I ignored the pain. My shin bones felt bruised from all the hard running I had done. It was so cold out and I was shivering. My jacket was only a light fleece pullover. Thankfully it had a hood and a front pocket.
When I finally got there I went straight to the bathroom. I finally felt safe. There were other people in the store, and he wouldn't hurt me if h e found me there. I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really want to call the police, because the tape in my head kept playing "he is just out of control, he wouldn't really want to hurt me...I probably just overreacted, he promised to love and protect me." I was so scared when I realized that I was making excuses for him wanting to kill me. I borrowed a phone from a store employee and called my mom. I told her briefly what had happened, and she told me I needed to call 911. She told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been left no other option. I did call 911, and waited for the officer to get there.
Two officers came into the store, and they asked me what happened. I must have looked so stupid to them. I couldn't remember clearly what had happened. I couldn't remember what the fight was over even. I was so scatter brained and confused...and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep from crying in front of them. They took me in the car back to the house. They parked back away from the house by half a block or so, and told me to wait in the car while they went to talk to my husband. It was a few minutes before they came back out. The one officer told me that they were arresting him, and I was to wait over behind the one tree so he couldn't see me while they put him in the car. I complied (what else would I do?) and watched from around the tree as they led my husband in handcuffs to the police car and put him in it. The officer came back to get me and walked with me into the house.
I was asked a few more questions while he filled out the report. He gave me a bundle of pamphlets and information about domestic abuse. He told me that there was no question that my husband needed to be arrested. He said that I was obviously scared for my life for me to go all the way to Walgreens.
It was about 4:30 am when the police left. I just sat and cried for a few minutes before I did anything. I looked over the papers some, but nothing was new to me. I have been through an abusive relationship before, and I understand how it all works. I hadn't left my husband, because I could still see good in him. It seemed like he wasn't himself and I really believed things would turn around if only I could get him back into therapy. He had never made any threats towards the children either, if he had, I would have been out of here a long time ago.
I called my mom to let her know what happened, then I took a shower. I was so filthy from sweating from running. I felt so gross, and the hot water was so welcome. I wish I could have stood there forever. I felt calm, and I felt safe. The water got cold and I had to get out. I had checked on the girls as soon as I had gotten back in the house, and they had still been asleep, oblivious that anything had even happened. I let them sleep. I wanted to badly to hold them and tell them how much I loved them, but I realised that it would only be to comfort me. I didn't bother them. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.
I didn't expect to feel so horrid. I felt like I was going to throw up, and I was dizzy. I felt an enormous amount of gilt. I had no clue what was going through my husbands head. Was he crying? was he angry? had he finally realised how serious the situation was? I didn't know, but I began to feel like I shouldn't have called the police for help. I kept telling myself that if I didn't have any choice, but it didn't help the guilt go away. Yesterday was hard. I did get my oldest daughter off to preschool, but I spent most of the day crying. It was a long, hard day.
Last night was the worst. The bed felt so empty. I was so lonely. Even during the worst times of our marriage, he has always been there in bed next to me. I missed him so much. I missed his body heat, I missed feeling him pressed up against me. I cried every time I looked at his pillow and realized that he wasn't there all over again. I kept remembering things from our past. The way he used to look at me during the first two years we were together. The way he used to hold me, like I was the most precious thing in his life. I missed that. I miss him looking into my eyes and stroking my hair. I miss being held. I never realized how dependant I was on him. I take care of all most all of the responsibilities for everyday life, but I relied on him completely for love and acceptance. I never thought this would be so hard.
My husband was in jail for one night. Yesterday he was released on bond ($75, what a fucking joke) but we are not allowed to talk at all because of the no contact order. It will stay that way until after his trial in February. This was his first offense or arrest for anything, so he will probably get ordered to go to therapy. I don't think it would be safe for him to live here even after that. I hate being in a place where I miss him so much, but yet I am scared to be in the same city as him. I keep telling myself that he has changed. He is no longer the man that I feel in love with. I love and miss the man I wish he was, not who he is today. I wish I had someone to take his place. Someone who could just hold me and make this a little easier. I know that wouldn't be smart though. I doubt anyone would even want me while I'm in this broken state. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else either. I haven't made up my mind what I am going to do about my husband. I don't know if I will divorce him, or if I will wait until after the trial and he has went to extensive therapy. Even if I do wait, it will be a year or two until we could live together again. He might not be able to get better. He might not be able to stop being abusive.
I realise my husband had a very bad childhood, and I think I have excused a lot of the abuse because of it. He was abused, and he was manipulated by his mother his whole life. I knew those things when I moved in with him. I had seen such a gentle and loving heart within him, so I thought he would be the one to break the cycle of abuse in his family, but I guess I was wrong. He so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved, and the love was deep and real between us. I didn't care about his past, I loved him and I tried to give him everything I possibly could in order to make him happy. I supported him and stood by him when he faced his childhood abuse. I was the one who held him when he cried, I was the first person who ever loved him unconditionally. He told me that meeting me was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said that he had never felt loved until he was with me.
Over the years he has gotten comfortable with me. Instead of being proud of my talents, he has become jealous. He used to say that he was thankful to be with someone so kind and gentle, but that turned into him seeing me as better than him and wanting to be better than me. I've seen him change so much in the past three years. He started threatening me this year. The first time he threatened me was that time right before Easter when he threatened to beat me to death. It wasn't that long after he had tried going to therapy.
We had went to some quack for marriage couseling, but it turned out the guy was a fucking moron. He ignored all the problems that we laid out in front of him. My husbands past and feelings of self hatered have always fueled our problems, but the stupid hippie quack ignored it. He blamed me for my husband's lack of confidence. He told me that my husband's problems were because of me, that if I wasn't so judgmental my husband wouldn't lie to me. My husband was a compulsive liar before we met, it had nothing to do with me. I didn't get how everything wrong in my husband's life was suddenly my fault, never mind the abuse he suffered through as a child. That guy actually told my husband that he needed to learn how to control me better. That was about a month before my life was threatened by the man who swore to love me through thick and thin.
I do blame a lot of what happened on that guy. We were going to therepy to try and get some help. We were at a point where we both were motivated to work our butts off to fix our marriage. It was wasted though. That guy wasted our money, our time, and almost my life. We should have just tried getting counseling through a local church, like we had originally considered doing. I can't help but think that if we would have just chose someone else, maybe my husband would have never threatened my life...maybe we wouldn't be seperated right now...maybe I wouldn't be lonely. How different things could be, if only we would have went to someone else...
I don't know what I will do in the end. I have been thinking about it a lot. I can't help but wonder where the man I married went to, and who is this asshole who looks like him?
I've tried so hard to get him back into therapy, to talk to someone, so seek help. He admits that he is abusive towards me, but he sticks to the mantra "I haven't hit you, so it's not that bad." Hitting me is the only thing he has not done to me. He has physically restrained me, locked me out of the house on a cold night, raped me while I slept...then there's all the emotional stuff. One day I'm sexy, the next day I'm disgusting. It has been so exhausting living like this. I've been in a constant depression and fighting it with everything I've got.
Things changed on Sunday night. It all started over a video game. I love video games, I always have and I always will. My husband on the other hand, uses them to escape his life. They mean more to him than the girls and I do, he has made that clear through both actions and words. The first time he threatened to kill me was because I told him it wasn't an appropriate time to play a video game. I didn't provoke him, I didn't pick at him, nothing. All I had said was "if you're getting this upset, then you shouldn't play it anymore." That was enough for him to throw the controller on the floor breaking it (it hit only a couple inches from our youngest girl) and he began screaming at me. He stood over me and pulled his fist back and told me "I should beat you to death." The second time he threatened to kill me was a little different. I don't remember what it was over, but the fight escalated to the point where I had given up on living. I figured it would just be better to die than to keep living with a man who didn't love me and didn't respect me. It was really stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I was so upset that I was afraid I would commit suicide. I needed to do something physical to release some of the pain (I used to cut when I was in high school and dating an abusive guy, which was incredibly hard for me to stop but I did). I hit myself on the head. It wasn't hard, it didn't hurt me. It was more of an action that I could use to focus on, just to keep from snapping and slitting my throat. Anyways, my husband freaked out and grabbed a nearby hammer and swung it at me. He stopped it just inches from my skull, telling me "that would make you stop, wouldn't it you stupid bitch?"
I've tried so hard to make things better, but nothing has had any impact nor helped. Sunday night I tried to get away from him like I always do when the fighting and screaming starts. I went into the bathroom, he followed me, insulting me the whole time. I asked him repeatedly to just leave me alone, or let me leave. He always just said "no." I finally asked him "what do you expect from me? You just want me to sit here and be abused?" His response was "like you have a choice." At that point I knew there was no talking to him. He was in a place where he was completely desensitized towards me. I wasn't his wife anymore, I wasn't his lover, or the mother of his children. All I was to him in that moment was someone for him to vent all his emotions onto. I was his emotional punching bag, and afraid that I would be a physical one too.
My husband has this weird thing with being tired. He is always tired, and tends to fall asleep when extremely upset or emotional. I think it is a defense mechanism, but it doesn't matter what it is as it gave me an opening. I waited until he started falling asleep then I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I managed to get to the car and inside of it before he reached me. The first thing I did was lock the doors, then I started the car and backed out of the driveway. I barely missed him, and he tried to run in front of the car to block me. I swerved around him and he punched the trunk of the car as I drove away.
I had no idea where to go or what to do. All I had on me was my driver's license, two dollars in cash, my keys, my jacket, my cell phone, and a finger nail file. I drove across town to an Albertson's store where I parked in the parking lot. It was 11:30 at night, and 40 degrees outside. I just sat there and cried. I didn't know what to do, I was confused and scared. I had left my girls at the house. They had been asleep in their beds before we even started fighting. My phone rang, but I didn't answer it. It was my husband, and he left a voice mail. I listened to it. He was crying and apologizing for fighting. He said he was afraid I would hurt myself (I left the house to protect myself, so I'm not sure where he got the idea I wanted to die). I wasn't sure if he really was sorry or not, but it seemed like the anger was gone, so I called him back. We talked for about 30 minutes, most of which he was assuring me that he would seek therapy the next morning and that he didn't want to hurt me. My phone battery died while we were talking. I was hopeful that perhaps he meant what he had said. I had been wanting him to get into therapy again for several months. I thought the fighting was over, and that we would be able to make a plan of action for setting things back on the right track again.
I drove home and parked in the driveway. I just sat there, trying to collect my thoughts and clear my mind. My husband came out of the house and got in the car with me. He was very sweet and gentle with me at first. I smelled alcohol on his breath and he admitted he had been drinking, though it was never made clear how much he had. He apologized a few more times and told me that he would do whatever it would take to keep our marriage together. I started talking about him maybe going to the hospital that night to talk to someone, and not waiting until the morning. I wanted him to do it to prove that he was willing to change. Well, it pissed him off and the name calling and put downs started again. He began threatening to call the cops on me and have them take me to the hospital and lock me up because I was so "fucking insane." I just sat and cried, I knew better than to try and talk with him. I waited until he started falling asleep again, then I bolted for the house. I got there and got the door locked seconds before he got to the door.
He was extremely pissed at me for locking him out of the house. I was so scared. I could see in his face that he wanted me dead. I don't think I've ever seen so much raw hatred in him before. He told me to unlock the door or he would break out the door window. I told him that I couldn't, I was too scared he would hurt me. He said "I don't care about that." and continued to make threats. I thought about running and plugging my phone in so I could call 911, but I knew if I left his sight he would kick the door down and kill me. He punched the door window, and discovered he couldn't break the plexi-glass. He told me again to open the door. I told him that I was afraid if I let him in he would try to kill me, his response was "I don't FUCKING care!" I was trembling and sobbing, wishing the nightmare would end. He said he was going to break a window to get in, and he started walking off the steps. I knew it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, I was going to die. I was afraid of him breaking something and waking up the children, so I unlocked the door.
He came in and stood over me, swearing and screaming at me. I felt so defeated, and for a while I wished he would just beat me to death and get it over with. I had given up all hope. When he saw that I wasn't going to fight back, he calmed some. I imagine he saw that he had won. He stopped screaming and began calmly putting me down. He started saying things, like how stupid I am, that I am crazy, what a horrible person, mother, and wife I am. He told me how I didn't deserve to live and that it was my fault he was angry at me. He told me that if I wasn't such a bitch, he wouldn't have to be mean to me. He said that when I had scratched his video game (it didn't ruin it) that I had destroyed the only thing in this world that meant anything to him. My heart utterly broke when he said that. I couldn't tell myself that I meant something to him anymore. He had confirmed that I was worthless to him.
My phone was sitting on the counter, my keys were in my hand. I threw them at him which distracted him. He bent over to pick them up, and I ran. I went out the front door and just ran. I looked back and saw him following me. I ran as fast and as hard as I could. I ran a couple blocks straight then I made a turn and zig-zagged through blocks for awhile. I was thankfully still wearing my jacket, even though my legs were already cold and I felt like my heart was going to explode from running so hard. I looked back and I couldn't see him. I collapsed on the ground, hiding behind a tree. I just sat there and cried, trying to catch my breath. My legs hurt from how hard I had been running, and I could feel that my throat was raw.
I heard a car, and when I looked, I recognized it as ours. He had went back to get it. When I saw him, I knew in my heart that if he found me he would run me over. I felt like I was going to vomit, and I fought blacking out. I hid behind the trunk of tree until he had drove past. I got up and ran again. I went back to the house with the intention of plugging in my phone and calling the police. When I got there, I was out of breath and frightened nearly to death. The side door was locked. I started crying harder now, as I began to realize what this meant. I went around to the front door and found it was also locked. There was no way for me to get inside. I couldn't check on my girls, I couldn't call for help. I never once thought of knocking on a neighbors door, I don't know why, but it never even occurred to me. I ran into the back yard and sat down next to the garage. I was in a shadow and I wouldn't be visible from the street, although it was easy for me to look around the edge and see the street.
I had no idea what to do. I just sat there, sheltered from the wind, trying not to pee myself. I have never cried harder in my life than sitting there, locked out of my own home, separated from my children. I felt so guilty for leaving them. They were in the house, alone. My husband was out searching for me, I saw him drive by the house several times. He left them there. If he had truly wanted to find me to help me, he would have stayed in the house and called the police. Instead, he didn't call anyone, but left our children locked in the house while he searched for me. I assumed he wanted to kill me.
I sat there for what seemed hours. Finally he parked the car in the driveway, and went into the alley with a flashlight. He saw me. There were two fences separating us, so I ran. I went through the gate by the house on the opposite side of the yard, and I shut it behind me. I ran a block away and stood behind a large tree. I watched around the tree as he looked for me. He looked around the yard, and apparently he hadn't seen me go through the gate. He went back around the house to the other side out of my view. I ran for a couple blocks then slowed to a walk. I looked behind me several times, but didn't see him.
I didn't know where to go. I walked by a school, and the reader board said it was 3:13 in the morning. I had been outside for about two hours. Every place nearby would be closed. The only place I could think to go to was Walgreens. It was over 15 blocks away, but it was the closest store that stayed open 24 hours.
My heart jumped every time I saw a car. I was still scared to death. My legs hurt so badly, but I ignored the pain. My shin bones felt bruised from all the hard running I had done. It was so cold out and I was shivering. My jacket was only a light fleece pullover. Thankfully it had a hood and a front pocket.
When I finally got there I went straight to the bathroom. I finally felt safe. There were other people in the store, and he wouldn't hurt me if h e found me there. I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a few minutes. I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't really want to call the police, because the tape in my head kept playing "he is just out of control, he wouldn't really want to hurt me...I probably just overreacted, he promised to love and protect me." I was so scared when I realized that I was making excuses for him wanting to kill me. I borrowed a phone from a store employee and called my mom. I told her briefly what had happened, and she told me I needed to call 911. She told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had been left no other option. I did call 911, and waited for the officer to get there.
Two officers came into the store, and they asked me what happened. I must have looked so stupid to them. I couldn't remember clearly what had happened. I couldn't remember what the fight was over even. I was so scatter brained and confused...and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep from crying in front of them. They took me in the car back to the house. They parked back away from the house by half a block or so, and told me to wait in the car while they went to talk to my husband. It was a few minutes before they came back out. The one officer told me that they were arresting him, and I was to wait over behind the one tree so he couldn't see me while they put him in the car. I complied (what else would I do?) and watched from around the tree as they led my husband in handcuffs to the police car and put him in it. The officer came back to get me and walked with me into the house.
I was asked a few more questions while he filled out the report. He gave me a bundle of pamphlets and information about domestic abuse. He told me that there was no question that my husband needed to be arrested. He said that I was obviously scared for my life for me to go all the way to Walgreens.
It was about 4:30 am when the police left. I just sat and cried for a few minutes before I did anything. I looked over the papers some, but nothing was new to me. I have been through an abusive relationship before, and I understand how it all works. I hadn't left my husband, because I could still see good in him. It seemed like he wasn't himself and I really believed things would turn around if only I could get him back into therapy. He had never made any threats towards the children either, if he had, I would have been out of here a long time ago.
I called my mom to let her know what happened, then I took a shower. I was so filthy from sweating from running. I felt so gross, and the hot water was so welcome. I wish I could have stood there forever. I felt calm, and I felt safe. The water got cold and I had to get out. I had checked on the girls as soon as I had gotten back in the house, and they had still been asleep, oblivious that anything had even happened. I let them sleep. I wanted to badly to hold them and tell them how much I loved them, but I realised that it would only be to comfort me. I didn't bother them. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.
I didn't expect to feel so horrid. I felt like I was going to throw up, and I was dizzy. I felt an enormous amount of gilt. I had no clue what was going through my husbands head. Was he crying? was he angry? had he finally realised how serious the situation was? I didn't know, but I began to feel like I shouldn't have called the police for help. I kept telling myself that if I didn't have any choice, but it didn't help the guilt go away. Yesterday was hard. I did get my oldest daughter off to preschool, but I spent most of the day crying. It was a long, hard day.
Last night was the worst. The bed felt so empty. I was so lonely. Even during the worst times of our marriage, he has always been there in bed next to me. I missed him so much. I missed his body heat, I missed feeling him pressed up against me. I cried every time I looked at his pillow and realized that he wasn't there all over again. I kept remembering things from our past. The way he used to look at me during the first two years we were together. The way he used to hold me, like I was the most precious thing in his life. I missed that. I miss him looking into my eyes and stroking my hair. I miss being held. I never realized how dependant I was on him. I take care of all most all of the responsibilities for everyday life, but I relied on him completely for love and acceptance. I never thought this would be so hard.
My husband was in jail for one night. Yesterday he was released on bond ($75, what a fucking joke) but we are not allowed to talk at all because of the no contact order. It will stay that way until after his trial in February. This was his first offense or arrest for anything, so he will probably get ordered to go to therapy. I don't think it would be safe for him to live here even after that. I hate being in a place where I miss him so much, but yet I am scared to be in the same city as him. I keep telling myself that he has changed. He is no longer the man that I feel in love with. I love and miss the man I wish he was, not who he is today. I wish I had someone to take his place. Someone who could just hold me and make this a little easier. I know that wouldn't be smart though. I doubt anyone would even want me while I'm in this broken state. I wouldn't want to get involved with anyone else either. I haven't made up my mind what I am going to do about my husband. I don't know if I will divorce him, or if I will wait until after the trial and he has went to extensive therapy. Even if I do wait, it will be a year or two until we could live together again. He might not be able to get better. He might not be able to stop being abusive.
I realise my husband had a very bad childhood, and I think I have excused a lot of the abuse because of it. He was abused, and he was manipulated by his mother his whole life. I knew those things when I moved in with him. I had seen such a gentle and loving heart within him, so I thought he would be the one to break the cycle of abuse in his family, but I guess I was wrong. He so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved, and the love was deep and real between us. I didn't care about his past, I loved him and I tried to give him everything I possibly could in order to make him happy. I supported him and stood by him when he faced his childhood abuse. I was the one who held him when he cried, I was the first person who ever loved him unconditionally. He told me that meeting me was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He said that he had never felt loved until he was with me.
Over the years he has gotten comfortable with me. Instead of being proud of my talents, he has become jealous. He used to say that he was thankful to be with someone so kind and gentle, but that turned into him seeing me as better than him and wanting to be better than me. I've seen him change so much in the past three years. He started threatening me this year. The first time he threatened me was that time right before Easter when he threatened to beat me to death. It wasn't that long after he had tried going to therapy.
We had went to some quack for marriage couseling, but it turned out the guy was a fucking moron. He ignored all the problems that we laid out in front of him. My husbands past and feelings of self hatered have always fueled our problems, but the stupid hippie quack ignored it. He blamed me for my husband's lack of confidence. He told me that my husband's problems were because of me, that if I wasn't so judgmental my husband wouldn't lie to me. My husband was a compulsive liar before we met, it had nothing to do with me. I didn't get how everything wrong in my husband's life was suddenly my fault, never mind the abuse he suffered through as a child. That guy actually told my husband that he needed to learn how to control me better. That was about a month before my life was threatened by the man who swore to love me through thick and thin.
I do blame a lot of what happened on that guy. We were going to therepy to try and get some help. We were at a point where we both were motivated to work our butts off to fix our marriage. It was wasted though. That guy wasted our money, our time, and almost my life. We should have just tried getting counseling through a local church, like we had originally considered doing. I can't help but think that if we would have just chose someone else, maybe my husband would have never threatened my life...maybe we wouldn't be seperated right now...maybe I wouldn't be lonely. How different things could be, if only we would have went to someone else...
I don't know what I will do in the end. I have been thinking about it a lot. I can't help but wonder where the man I married went to, and who is this asshole who looks like him?
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