Trying to make a plan

I have no idea what my husband is doing or will do, so for now I am living like he doesn't exist. It is easier to think of him as dead than it is to always worry about what he may or may not do. I spent most of today feeling utterly destitute and helpless. I was having what seemed like one big panic attack for several hours.

I caught my husband spying on the house. A car drove up and parked in front of the house. The guy inside leaned way back into the seat, like he was trying to avoid being seen. Anyways, I looked out the window and saw that the man was smoking (something my husband always runs to when ever we fight, even though just the smell off his clothes gives me horrid migraines that 2 Rx ibuprofen and 2 vicodin won't even touch. Never mind the fact that his own grandfather died from cancer at the age of 60...he had survived cancer after cancer throughout his body from the age of 30). The man was also wearing glasses, and it looked as if his medium dark hair was in need of a trim...just like my husband was last time I saw him. I couldn't get a good look at him because of the glare on the car windows from the sun. When he saw me looking at him, he ducked down in the car! Seriously, how guilty does that look? I went and got my camera and began taking photos of the car (you can never have too much proof when someone is stalking you). He lifted his head up and saw I was taking pictures, he obviously panicked and swerved out into traffic and sped away. Guilty as sin he was. That is NOT the behavior of the average person. That was the behavior of a crazed stalker, fully aware he could get his ass thrown back in jail.

I can't possibly express how upset I was over the whole deal. It just keeps looking like he isn't going to work his ass off to make things work. If he actually wanted to get better, he would give me all the money he possibly could...you know...to freakin' provide for his children like he swore to do when we decided to create them. He wouldn't be stalking me, nor would he pick up the habit of smoking again. Plain and simple...I HATE smoking. I realize that it is super addictive, but it kills people. It killed family members, both his and mine. Cancer runs in his family thick...it is almost guaranteed that he will die of cancer. I guess he wants that to happen when he is 35 instead of when he is 80. He doesn't seem to care though. It actually sending him to an early grave isn't enough for him to stay away from it. That fact that it causes me to have migraines isn't enough for him to keep doing it. I don't get regular explosive feeling migraines either. I get the horrid migraines where I can feel every single blood vessel in my head, and the pressure becomes so great that all I feel is the pulsing and intense pain. It feels like my head will implode, it becomes so bad. Like I said...no amount of painkillers will make them go away. They hurt so badly that while tears run out of my eyes, I do not make any crying sounds. He has seen me lay in utter darkness, covering my ears and eyes with a pillow, the silent tears streaming down my face...yet he lights that fucking cigarette before he comes home anyway. How worthless does that make me? I used to think it made me completely worthless...now I realize that it only meant he was a complete asshole. It wouldn't have felt much different if he had took a hammer to my head.

I have looked online some...and I have a plan. Firstly, I will contact the victims advocate program. Through them I will be able to get health insurance to help me pay for therapy. I will apply for emergency financial help targeted especially at battered women with children. I will see what programs I will qualify for, and I will apply for any that may be able to help me. I will focus on keeping some normalcy for my children, and just keep being the best mother I possibly can be. After I have gone through therapy for a month or two, I will begin talking with people who can help me find out what I need to do to get into a college. The local colleges happen to offer some online courses that I am interested in.

Before I met my husband, I had a plan for my life. I was going to go to college and get a bachelors in psychology. I would be able to get hired on as a counselor and work while I continued to further my education and earn a masters. From there I would decide if I wanted to continue on in my education and earn a doctorate. This plan would allow me to work and continue my education. I talked this plan over with my counselor after my first abusive relationship. She said this was how she had obtained her degrees, and her son was taking the same path to earn his masters in psychology. I had my heart set on walking this path, but it got derailed when I met the man I would choose to marry. Isn't love grand?

My husband was a disabled VET (10% LOL!!!! it was a freaking knee injury, and never really should have qualified him to be considered "disabled") and planned on attending college. We made the agreement that he would go first, because the VA would fund his college and help him through it. Then once he had a better paying job, he would help me go through college also. He would only be going for an associates, so it would only be a two year wait. Well, he ended up flunking out of college and getting stuck in dead end jobs, leaving us with no extra money for a college education for me. He did great in college, getting all A's and high B's, until he got bored and just stopped going. Nothing I could say or do would get him to consider the life changing decision he was making for the both of us.

Anyways, I should be able to get through college without him, so it doesn't matter if things work out with him or not. Regardless of the outcome of this marriage...I am going to college to get the degree that I dreamed of before we met. If things work out, great. If they don't work out, then I will be so much better equipped to provide for my girls. I could just start working a crappy job, but I would never be able to get out of it. Right now, since I have been abused, I have so many opportunities and resources available to me that I wouldn't otherwise have access to. Either I go to college while I have the opportunity, or else I spend the rest of my life working two jobs and not even getting to see my own children. I think I'll take the college, thank you.

I will try to do the online course as much as I can. That way I can get my stuff done whenever I have the time, but I won't have to put my children in day care. I do NOT trust day cares at all. A family I knew had their one year old son killed by a day care owner who gave the kid too much benadryl (to make him fall asleep for nap time, since she was too freaking "busy" to actually take care of the children like she was supposed to). She murdered that child only days after his first birthday...I don't know if I could trust my children to a complete stranger like that. I knew the family, and I was pregnant when it happened. A four year degree (providing I work my ass off) would mean that my youngest would be 6 when I would graduate. All day kindergarten would keep her busy enough to allow me to start practicing and work on classes towards a masters at the same time, without having her in day care almost at all.

This is going to be difficult, granted it will feel awesome if I am able to actually do this. I am planning this as if my husband will not be a part of my life during this. If he does work his ass off (he has already made some big mistakes if he plans on fixing anything) then I guess that would be okay. I mean, if he really could honestly work through his problems and stop the lying and the deception, then perhaps it would be nice to have some financial support at least. I can't say as I expect this to happen, in fact it would shock me if this didn't end in a divorce. Besides, maybe there are men out there who actually want to get laid more than once per week...any takers? Ha ha, that was a joke. I know better than to get involved with anyone while I'm still married, or while I am still healing from this. I wouldn't be able to offer much to a partner right now, besides...I still want my husband (those damn hormones and emotions again). I would really rather not have 5 years of marriage get flushed down the toilet, but I don't want to spend one more day being put down by the very man who promised to cherish me either.

I feel as if I must quote Dr. Phil here "The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage for 10 years, is being in a bad marriage for 10 years and one day." "Children would rather be from a broken home, than live in one." I bought the Self Matters book and workbook for my husband for Christmas a few years back...perhaps I will work through it. Heck, it couldn't make anything any worse, and it's not like I don't have the time right now. I may as well work through it.

Anyways, it is getting late. I was going to take a bath tonight to relax, but I've spent too much time on here. I will just take an extra long shower in the morning, and hopefully remember to treat myself to a bubble bath tomorrow night. I am just going to go pass out now...goodnight :)