Thursday, October 9, 2008

Lonely, oh so lonely... one to talk to, no one to watch a movie with, or just hang out. I'm bored, and lonely. My daughter is eating her oatmeal. Her bus will be here in about 20 minutes. Once she leaves I'll go stand in the shower and pretend I'm doing something other than trying to wash my sorrows away.

I didn't realize how much comfort I got from being next to someone during the night. I can't believe how alone I feel when I wake up and it's just me and the cat. I feel like I need one of those huge 3 foot teddy bears to cuddle with. I've been hugging my girls a lot lately, and that does help. I know they have been pretty clingy too. Nothing eases my mind more than hearing my girls tell me that they love me. I would do anything for those two...right now they are why I get out of bed. I've been forcing myself to eat because I need to have the strength to take care of them. If they weren't here, I probably would have just left and sunk into a dark depression for a few months. I do wish that I could just rest for a couple days and not worry about any responsibilities, but at least I don't feel like just disappearing.

I've been talking to someone online a little bit, and that has helped. I don't have real life friends, so having friends on the internet has been huge for me. At least this person gives me something else to think about for awhile, and I find myself enjoying the chats a great deal. The distraction from my life is very welcome. Even a few minutes a day without crying is good. I need to find some more distractions though. I know I can't ignore my problems, but everyone needs a break once in awhile. To this person that has helped me, I say "Thank you."

I've been playing a browser game some. It takes a long time to do anything, so I just log in once or twice a day to update stuff and transfer resources. It's Ikariam, and I'm playing on the Zeta server. There was someone who attacked my smallest town, and I warned him not to do it again. Well, he didn't heed my warning, so I'm kicking his butt for him. I attack his two towns daily, but making sure I stay under the bashing rule and don't attack more than 6 times in 24 hours per town. I am surprised he hasn't just moved to a different server. He never responds to messages either...I don't know what the deal is with him. A mouse shouldn't pick a fight with a bear, it just isn't smart. His total score was 600, mine was 35,000. His military score was 10, mine 1,600. Oh well...I guess he can't bother me when I keep his military wiped out. His attacking me would take a lot of his resources, whereas I can afford it and it doesn't effect my normal operations.

This is taking some major adjusting for me. I was used to spending my days mostly alone, but come 6:30 my husband would be home and I could get some company. Not that we ever really connected on a deep level, but at least we could sit and watch tv for a few minutes together. I miss just having another adult here. Kids are a lot of fun, but I don't always want to talk about toys or poop. Something has to be said for adult conversations, they are usually more interesting.

I have been spacing out instead of posting this. This blog has always been pretty random...but it's getting worse. I need to go get in the shower. That will probably take me a good 30 minutes...showers are always long when I'm down. I bet I'll post again before the day is done...boredom and all...

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