182 dollars is a joke...right?

One more day...I've made it through one more day on my own. I was hoping today would be easier than yesterday, but it wasn't...it was actually harder. So many times I've wanted to call my husband and ask him "why?" I just want some answers...but I can't have them. If I even tried contacting him, I could go to jail. I don't know if he is going to get a different job to replace the pizza delivery job, I don't know if he is going to start therapy on his own, I don't know if he wants to work towards change, I don't know if he is just going to disappear....I don't know what's going on and it's driving me crazy.

Two police showed up at the door today, saying they were to met someone here for a civil matter. They seemed clueless about the situation, so I briefed them a little. They were here to supervise my husband getting some of his belongings. They waited for 15 minutes, then left. They told me if he showed up later to call the police station.

Since I knew he would be coming to pick up his things, I got some of it ready. Our bedroom is in the basement, so I got everything he would need from the main floor and put in a bag. I made sure to grab his Wellbutrin XL (anti-depressants) and his vitamins. I also grabbed all his shaving and personal hygiene things. I put them by the stairwell, so there would be no need for him to come into the rest of the house.

I was so nervous waiting for him. I had been crying from missing him only a few hours before, but once I learned he would be coming by the house I felt the same fear I had when running through the city like a crazed woman. Well he did come by the house. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw him step out of the taxi cab. I called the police immediately, and the dispatcher told me that he had missed the meeting with the cops earlier because his cab was late. I took this to mean that he had called the police again so he could get his things. He didn't approach the door at all. He walked over to the garage and sat down on the curb by the driveway. He never moved, he just sat there until the two police cars pulled up in front of the house.

I let the police in and told them that he didn't need anything in the main area of the house. I showed them the bag of his stuff and told them what was inside. They escorted him downstairs. I took the girls into the eldest's bedroom and gave them some stickers to play with. I told them to stay there and play, and I went back to talk to the police. I asked if they would ask my husband for his house key, which they did (although I will be changing the locks as soon as money permits). He gave it over no problem. I never looked at him while he was here. Part of me wanted to run to him and beg him to hold me, while the rest of me stayed scared beyond my ability of normal functioning. I was shaking the entire time, and if I would have had anything in my stomach, I would have thrown up. We never looked at each other, and not a single word was said directly. He did ask the police to ask me if he could use my old backpack. I said I didn't care. He left with the backpack (I'm assuming filled with clothes) and the bag I had prepared for him...nothing else. After they were all gone, I went to check what he had taken. I didn't see anything out of place. I had expected him to take the Fleshlight, but he didn't. He didn't take any of the toys.

Later on in the day, I checked the bank accounts online. He had overcharged the joint checking (with MY debit card) yesterday. The overdraft fee was already taken out. He had deposited his paycheck, but only half of it. $300 minus the overdraft fee and what he had taken out to pay his 75 dollar bail, left me with $182. I was horrified when I saw this. I don't have a paying job...I have been a homemaker ever since we got married. That's 5 years with no work history...I might as well never even had a job in my life. My husband said he wanted to prove to both of us that he could support us...I've wondered if over the years if it actually just became one more way to keep me dependant upon him.

Our monthly expenses are $1800. That is only the bills, that does not include food or diapers. Thank God our mortgage is cheap. My sister pays over $1300 each month for her mortgage (she divorced her abusive husband when he started abusing their baby boy). Our mortgage is only $800 per month, but our stupid gas bill is upwards of $200 in the winter months. I have no idea how I will survive this winter.

I was hoping that him waiting for the police was a sign that he was going to be good and do what needs done. Seeing that he left me with $182 to buy food, gas, diapers, AND pay the bills really has me thinking he isn't going to even try to support us. Tomorrow I need to call and check on what help is available to me for financial support until I can get on my feet. My sister went through all this stuff with her husband, only he had abused his previous partner twice, so the third time, on my sister, made him a felon. She told me that there is a victim support program that should help me. Since there is a no contact order, I only go off of my income...which is ZERO. When she applied for it she made too much for them to help her...she made $2 too much each month. If nothing else, at least I should be able to get enough money to buy food before what we have in the house all runs out.

I went back and forth all day trying to decide if I should call his family or not. His mother is an evil woman, and I would not call her for any reason. His father and step-mother are a different story though. They both dealt with him when he was 13 and quite messed up. They spent a couple years going to family counseling for him and trying everything they could to help him. He finally got so big that they couldn't control him anymore, and his mother had turned him against them so much that his step-mother had become afraid of him. When I have talked to her in the past she has said that if anything happens that I can always come stay with them. In fact when they came to our wedding, my husband had not seen them for almost 10 years. They both remarked that they couldn't believe how much he had changed, and how happy he was with me. They have always been kind to me, and a sort of connection is there because his step-mother has dealt with his mother and him when he was out of control...she knows how hard it is.

I ended up not having to call her at all, because she called me. She had not talked to my husband, but her husband had called her and asked if she had heard from me. I am guessing from that, that my husband called his father. I am very thankful for that at least, as now he has someone to talk to. When he gets more and more depressed, he avoids talking to his father. He is so concerned with what his father thinks of him, and tends to forget that it's not about impressing anyone. Family is there to love and support, even if they don't always make the best choices.

I told her what had happened, and she was very nice to me. She told me that she was sorry it had happened, but thought it was a good thing that he got arrested. She told me that if this doesn't scare him enough to wake him up, that I had better forget the marriage. I was glad that she was thinking about both of us, but mainly about my and the girls' safety. I think having them involved will be a blessing. I can't tell my husband what he needs to do, but maybe they can help point him in the correct direction...like giving me more than $182 to live on!!!!!

I am still so very very confused. I kept crying today. Often I would be doing better, then without warning I would just start sobbing. It seems like everything here reminds me of him. When I sit on the couch, I remember only two weeks ago that we had made love there. He had told me I was beautiful, and how lucky he was to be with such a kind woman. He had acted like he did years ago...all kindness and love, no anger or abuse. I have avoided sitting there because of that memory. It is just too painful to remember the way he looked at me then compared to how he looked at me Sunday night with so much hatred. I haven't had the stomach to eat much, but I have refused to sit at the table to eat when I have. I eat in the living room, or standing in the kitchen. I can't bare to sit at the table and see his empty chair. I started crying when I washed a load of clothes. The silk boxers I had bought for him, when we moved into this house, brought back so many memories. Everything here makes me miss him. I am scared to death of him, but I miss him so much. I hate feeling like this.

I put all the sex toys away, out of sight. I can't stand to look at them. So many of them we used together. He loves the metal cock ring so much, that I had decided to get him the Pfun plug by Njoy for XMAS...not anymore. He loves the feel of the metal, and I had been so excited to find a toy that would be perfect for him. We won't have Christmas this year, at least not together. He will miss our oldest daughter's 4th birthday as well.

I don't know how long I will have to stay away from the toys. Right now they only bring back memories of good times with him...and that just makes this harder for me. I am not interested in anything even remotely sexual. I am too hurt right now to even think about masturbating.

I am thankful I have my cat here with me. He sleeps in my husbands spot in the bed. He lays there and purrs while I cry. I have been petting him alot, and it is the most comfort I have right now. It must be nice...to be a cat and have no worries...I envy him.

Tomorrow will be a long day. I have a lot of calls to make. I need to set up some therapy. I really need it right now. I don't know if I would be able to get medication or not because of my current situation, but I should at least be able to get some free or cheap therapy through a victims program. I need to be able to vent and talk and cry. My family keeps telling me not to worry about things right now, that I don't have to decide what I am going to do yet. I know they mean well, but I really really want to know if I should stay here and wait to see what he'll do, or if I should just pack my stuff and move now. His actions confuse me. He follows orders from the cops well, and has not broken the no contact order, but yet he kept half of his paycheck for himself. He is providing for him first instead of giving everything he could to support his children. He shouldn't be staying in hotels, he should go to a shelter or ask a coworker for temporary housing. It's just him, I have the girls to take care of and provide for. I felt he should have only kept enough for food. It would make things so much easier if I knew what he was working towards. Then I could at least know if staying here is a waste of my time. What if he has no plans to work towards honest change? I wouldn't stay if that were the case and I knew it. Is he working to get another job to provide some more money for us? I wish I knew. Day care costs really kill me here. I don't know anything about picking a day care out, plus I don't have any money to even get a day care provider. I don't even know what kind of job I could get, IF I can even get a job.

I've been pondering college...maybe I should consider trying to swing college and a part time job. It wouldn't be much different if I were on government aid for domestic abuse victims or if I was on government aid for college. I need to do something here...I just wish I knew what would be best. Maybe I could manage college, maybe I couldn't, I really don't know. I do know that I need to do some more research and check all of my options before I jump the gun.

Egads, it's late. I have to get up early as tomorrow is a school day. I don't know why her bus comes at 7:30 am when school starts at 8:30. We only live 5 minutes away too...guess there are a lot of other kids who ride the bus this year...she was the only one last year. I need to get up by 6:00 am to get her ready in time. I suppose I will go try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off. There is too much to think about...too much to decide...