Friday, October 10, 2008

Up to my armpits in poop

I am so tired of poop. Both of my girls messed their pants today!!! Not nice little turds either, but the huge mushy variety that gets smashed into clothing. Neither of them told me they had to use the bathroom. My youngest is only 2 and still in diapers, so not a real biggie. My other daughter who will turn 4 this December though...that is a big deal. She wears diapers at night in case of accidents, but otherwise she does really well using the toilet. Probably a regressing thing, so hopefully she stops crapping her pants. I really really really hate cleaning up poop :(

On a completely separate note, my sex drive is coming back some. I'd like to buy a new toy for myself, but I don't know what. It would have to be pretty cheap too, as I'm broke beyond the meaning of the word. I had wanted to buy some cooling gel, but I wanted it for use during some light bondage fun with my husband. Now that I'm separated, it wouldn't do me much good. It just wouldn't be the same if I blindfolded myself then used cooling gel to tease myself with. Maybe I'll just look for a simple hard dildo, perhaps a cheap glass one.

I can't believe it's been a week since I've had sex. I feel completely deprived. I broke out the Lone Star and the Hitachi earlier today, but I kinda wanted a real person. They are both two amazing toys, and yeah, it was quite enjoyable. I just felt a little disappointed after. I really like having someone to kiss or caress after sex...and even though the cat was laying there watching the whole time, I tried very hard to ignore him.

I keep going back to the same thought...will I be able to find a guy that I would even want? I seem to have very high expectations from men. I want a guy who is above all else, honest. He would need to be kind, loving, and have a cock that he actually wanted to use. That's it...that's all that I would require, but it has always been too much for the men I've dated. He wouldn't have to be a certain height, weight, income, hair color doesn't matter, cock size wouldn't matter...All I would require was honesty, a dick, and love. I think everything else stems from those things. If you love someone and are honest with them, then there is respect and support and happiness also. I didn't get love, honesty or sex from my husband. If we ever had sex, I would have to start it, and that gets old after a couple years.

The more I think about it, the more I realize I don't even want my marriage to heal. At this point, why would I? There were too many times my husband crossed the line with me...I wouldn't be able to forget the things that have happened. I will never forget the image of him standing over me with hatred in his eyes, nor will I forget how I felt when he started to swing the hammer at my head. How could I trust someone who has actually told me that I should die? I don't think I should be with him, and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't be happy or safe if I did stay in the marriage. I don't want to be with someone whom I constantly have to defend and stand up for because he treats me badly in front of others. I spent a lot of money, time, and effort trying to please my husband...and for what? I tried so hard to please him in every way I could think of, and he threatens to kill me?

I'm pretty sure there are guys out there who would actually like getting sucked off without asking for it or having to do anything in return. Maybe I could find a man who actually wasn't a complete jerk towards me. I do really want someone else, but the waiting is getting difficult. I want to be able to move on with my life and be with someone who actually is fun to be around. I don't want to wait another couple years, but I feel like I have to. Would starting a relationship while still "married" be considered cheating, even if the two people are separated and emotionally divorced? It wouldn't be smart to get in a new relationship right now while I'm still hurting, but I can't help but think how nice it would be to have some intimacy and comfort in my life...especially while I deal with this crap. Being lonely sucks the big one. much negativity and wishful thinking can't be good for me. If only I could reassure myself that I'll be okay, and I will find someone else to love. I do try, but I always end up doubting myself. If I can get through this, I should be able to get through anything.

1 comment:

Beautiful Dreamer said...

I know this sounds terrible, but I'm glad you're talking about moving on. I will offer support no matter what you choose, but you deserve a lot better. & I'm quite glad you're entertaining the thought of leaving the marriage.

Keep safe & happy.