Monday, October 27, 2008

Wibbly wobbly once more...

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...

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