I LOVE EdenFantasys!!!!

It's true...I love EdenFantasys. I missed out on the I Trust Campaign as far as writing a piece for the forums, but I wanted to say on here why I love those people so much.

Through my separation they have been incredibly understanding and responded very quickly to me. It was very hard for me to focus and I couldn't get reviews out as quickly as usual, but they were understanding about it. I sent them a message to let them know I would no longer be able to review male specific or couples' toys, and I got a kind reply message the very next day. In fact I have always gotten very quick and polite replies to my messages to edenfantasys, no matter if they are in system messages or emails.

Everything is fast, not just the replies. When I request an assignment through in system messaging I get a reply within 24 hours and often it is assigned the very same day I receive the reply message. For example late last night I sent a message requesting a very nice looking glass dildo. This morning I had a message stating it was approved and assigned. I went and looked, and sure enough, there it sat in my assignment list. I accepted it and about 30 minutes later received an email alerting me that it had been sent to shipping. I don't know these people, but I can tell you that they have impressed me with their quickness and politeness in all areas. I know that once the dildo is shipped it will be packaged carefully like all my other packages have been and it will arrive in two to three days. Shipping is a big deal for me. I like that it's discreet, but I love that it's fast. I live all the way across the country from the warehouse, so I am very impressed when I receive my toy 3 days from when I order them.

One reason why I stay at eden's is the amazing community. Throughout this whole separation deal I have received words of wisdom and encouragement from fellow community members. Now it might not be a big deal to some people, but this means the world to me. I am proud to be part of such a positive and kind community. Everyone has been so helpful and the forums are a great place to get information, tips, advice, or just to hang out and chat.

I have to mention the sorting features too. I love being able to filter out jelly toys or just look for cocks of certain sizes, colors, prices, material, and safety. It makes it so easy to find the perfect toy! I love to just window shop at edens. I have spent hours looking through all the toys and deciding which ones look like they would be a great fit for me. This brings me to the next, and perhaps most important, part of eden's the reviews.

The reviews! The amazing reviews! I don't know how many times I've thought a toy looked good then read a couple reviews and decided not to waste my money. Of course there have been times I ignored the reviews and bought a product that I wanted to try despite the negative reviews it received. That is how I ended up with the climax bursts lubes, which I hated. The reviews were absolutely correct, and I should have heeded them. I have found some excellent toys that I might not have considered before when I read the excellent reviews for them. I found my favorite lube, Maximus, by reading reviews. I have made some very good and informed purchases based off of some very well written and informative reviews from fellow contributors. If after reading a review I have any questions, I can always leave a comment or send a message to that reviewer. I have made use of this system a lot, and it has often been the deciding factor in my purchase of that particular product.

So much to love about a great place. To all the people who run the site, you deserve a big HUGE KUDOS! Awesome job guys, for a fantastic site that is so helpful, informative, and easy to shop at.

Wibbly wobbly once more...

Here I sit in the same chair where I previous sat as I stated I didn't care about my husband or what he did. *Sigh* I hate to say it, but I am missing him more and more each day. I had been so cold and so numb...then the dreams came. Night after night I dreamt of him, of us, of sex and closeness. I've dreamt of dates with him, fictional ones and ones based off of real events. I've dreamt about the first time we spent the whole night together. That hotel room, where we had sex all night...orgasm after orgasm after orgasm...I woke up with my panties soaking wet and more horny than I remember being for months. The dreams just won't stop, and I think I'll go crazy if I dream about his cock one more night!!!!

My goal was to be strong, to use this period to become completely independent...but I'm caving. I keep craving him, his body, his mind, his heart...I want all of him to be mine. I know it is unhealthy...I am fighting it with everything I've got. I'm horny from not having sex with a real person, and it makes it so damn hard to dream about the sex but not be getting any. I keep reminding myself that he is no longer the man that I married, he has changed. I am trying to stay strong...but some nights I would give anything to have him next to me again. This is like a roller coaster...always going up, down, up, then down again, faster and faster then slowing to a crawl before plummeting again...one day I hate him, the next I want him badly. My emotions have been all over the board here.

I did something bad...I called him. Yes, I knew it was wrong, and I knew I could get him in trouble if it is found out...hopefully the local police don't read my blog :P ha ha, jokes aside, it was good to hear his voice. At least I know what he has done and what he is working towards now. It has been 3 weeks so far, and his public defender still has not returned his phone calls (he said he has been calling every day since he was released from jail). I know more now than I did, since it is impossible to learn anything from the people who are supposed to help you and guide you through this.

He said some things that really surprised me. He actually stated (without my asking or even bringing it up) that everything that happened was his fault. He didn't defend it, he didn't try to blame me for any of it, he just said that he was sorry he let things get so out of control. He stated to me that I didn't deserve what had happened and that he was ashamed he had acted so poorly towards me. My husband has always tried to push the blame off onto me, then he will defend what he did wrong...but he didn't this time, he didn't even try to put any of the blame onto me. I was very shocked by this, because it goes against his actions during the past 3 years. I actually believed that he understood that this was all his fault and that I didn't cause him to abuse me.

The other thing he told me that left me shocked was that he is tired of his life being so bad. He said that he has been unhappy for a long time, and he is tired of ruining anything good that happens to him. He has always been pretty self loathing, but it sounded like he was tired of it. The big thing with abusive people is that they promise to change, but they only do it because that's what the abused person wants to hear. People don't change for other people, people only change for themselves. I heard a lot about what he wants for himself, that he wants to deserve love and kindness and a happy life. He told me that he doesn't want to be ashamed of himself any more, that he wants to live so he can be proud of who he is.

Both of us are Christians per say. I don't advertise my faith though. Just look around the online sex positive community and you'll see why. Christian is synonymous for close-minded, anti-sex, judgmental, hateful, and so many others. I don't consider myself to be any of those things, and I don't think anyone who knows me would think I am those things either. I believe the Bible teachings that you should love your neighbor as you love yourself, do not judge others as that is not your place, hate the sin but love the sinner...for me it is all about love and acceptance no matter how cheesy it may sound. My husband always had trouble being a Christian because of the belief that Jesus wouldn't forgive someone so worthless as him. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't about worth or what people do or do not deserve, but it is about a gift of life that we may choose to accept or not as we see fit. Well, he maintained the belief that since he couldn't forgive himself for his shortcomings (and abuse suffered as a child as I have previously written about) neither could God.

While talking to me over the phone he confided that he has been going to church and has had several meetings with the minister. He has a lot of respect for this man, I could tell by the way he talked about him. The minister is 28 and married, my husband is 25 so they are quite close in age. I can see it being difficult for my husband to receive help from someone 60+ years of age as he would see that person as out-of-touch or too old to understand. This minister is more like a peer, but one whom holds a position of authority and respect. It seems like he is really getting into looking at what the Bible says factually instead of his own misguided assumptions. Even if a person is not religious at all, you have to admit that the Bible has some wisdom in it that is undeniable. He told me that talking with a minister won't matter to the court much as he is not a licensed professional, but that he is doing this to make himself a better person. It really sounded like he was doing this because he wanted a better life for himself, even if things don't work out between us. That was encouraging towards the belief that it wasn't just an act to seek my forgiveness...my husband isn't smart enough to concoct such a plan. As cruel as that sounds, I know he wouldn't be able to piece something like that together just to manipulate me.

My short term and long term goals have not changed since talking with him. I am searching diligently (through mountains of non-sorted papers) trying to find the documents that are needed for applying for government aid. I took a lazy day today and didn't call to set up anymore appointments, but will do that periodically throughout this week. I dug out the Self Matters book by Dr. Phil. It was originally a Christmas gift from me to my husband during the first few years we were together. He left it here, so I might as well work through it. I have a good deal of respect for Dr. Phil and while he is abrasive as hell, he has a lot of common sense and wisdom. I am trying to get my self confidence back, and I think working through that book will help. I won't write in it though, so my husband will be able to have it back when I'm done with it. I've been making a list of things I want for myself, so far I have: Bachelors degree in psychology to start with (eventually I would like to work up to a PhD), I want to have Lasik eye correction so I no longer need to wear contacts (or suffer from eye strain), I want a tummy tuck to get rid of all the loose skin from having babies, a boob job entailing a reduction and a lift, I want to get laser hair removal done to my legs, arms, underarms, face (except eyebrows of course) and bikini area (remember super pale skin, super dark hair), I want to finish remodeling this house (if we don't lose it during this whole time without money), and I want to buy a car. There are other things of course, but those are the ones I want the most for me, just for me.

I don't know how things with the marriage will work out. No matter what happens I want to reach my goals. I do believe that my husband understands the abuse is his problem, and I do believe that he honestly wants to change. However, I am not convinced that he will be able to change. I am not going to hold my breath for him, but I won't go chase down the nearest cock I can find either.

I did ask him some questions about his loyalty. I told him that based off of his actions and what he had told me, that I was scared he would run out and find someone else as soon as he got the chance. His reply to that was that he doesn't want anyone else. He said that he only wants to be with me and to be the person who makes me happy and safe.

I asked if he had been drinking at all, because he tends to try to escape instead of facing his problems. His response to that was that he didn't want to make this any worse than it already is. He told me that drinking would be one of the stupidest things he could do right now. He wants to change and have a better life, and drinking would get in the way of that.

I asked about smoking, and he told me that he has had a couple cigarettes, though they were in moments of weakness and he hasn't been picking the habit up again. I was concerned that he had smoked at all (putting your head in the flame and expecting your hair to not catch on fire doesn't make any sense) but at least I feel that he was honest with me and admitted that he had smoked.

The smoking really gets me. When people hear that I don't want him smoking, they usually say something like "of all the destructive habits he could have, be thankful it's that one." Or they just assume I'm a bitch and am trying to control him. If he wants to smoke that's fine, he just can't live with me and smoke. It's not that I find it annoying, it's that it really hurts me. I get migraines from smoke, wood smoke, burnt food smoke, cigarette smoke...it doesn't matter. It always triggers a migraine, and I get really bad migraines. When my husband gets a headache he takes ONE regular Advil and he's fine. When I get a migraine I can take TWO Rx strength ibuprofen (same thing as Advil) AND TWO vicodin...then lay in bed for hours in the dark and cry silent tears as my blood vessels in my temples feel like they will explode with every pulse. It's like bitching about your foot being asleep to someone who is paralyzed!!! It is impossible for me to live with migraines so intense on a daily basis, it makes it impossible for me to function at all let alone efficiently. That is only one reason why I don't want him to smoke. The other one being how prevalent cancer is in his family and that I don't want to see him kill himself. Does that make me a bitch that I don't want him to hurt me or himself? I don't think so.

It was really good to hear his voice. Even though I've lived with the abuse for a couple years now, I still remember those first two years when there was no abuse. I still think about how gentle he used to be with me. I don't know if I use his abusive childhood as a way to justify the abusive nature that he picked up, or if I see it as a sign that everything was working against him from the beginning. Because he was abused and hates himself so vehemently, does that mean he will always be abusive, or does it mean that he just hadn't decided he could do something about it yet? This is the problem I have right now. I can't decide if his past means that he is stuck like this, or if it means that he actually has a shot at getting out of it. I am hoping that going through school to be a counseling psychologist will help me understand some of this. I see some of these things, but I just don't know what they mean. I understand that the cycle of abuse if vicious and that it almost always passes from parent to child, but I also understand that some people have managed to stop it and keep from being abusive even though they were abused growing up. I remain confused...

I have decided though that no matter what happens, I will put my children first. I will protect them before I satisfy what my heart craves. If my husband changes his ways and learns to become abuse-free, I will not be the one deciding if we get back together or not. I have already decided that I will not allow him to live with me until a licensed professional who specializes in domestic abuse can tell me that it would be safe for us to do so. I told my husband this, and while he said he was disappointed that it would take so long, he is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this and make it right. Only time will tell if he really gets it or not...only time...

Shitty days

These past couple days have been shit. There was one day where I felt really great. I was on top of the world with everything working well. The next day I take my 2 year-old to her exam...guess what? she has a heart murmur. The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about since there's nothing we can do for it right now anyway. She is to go back in 2 weeks for some tests to find out how bad it is. I also will be taking my other daughter in as well so they can both be tested for lead poisoning. My oldest daughter chews...on wood...this house was built in 1949...not good, really not good.

The other horrible thing that has happened was my oldest daughter ran out into the street. We live on a really busy one-way street, so our doors are kept locked all hours of the day and night. Both girls can open the deadbolt locks, so we installed flip locks near the top of the doors where they can not be reached. My daughter pulled a dining room chair through the living room to the front door. She used the chair to reach the flip lock, drug the chair back out of the way, opened the door, and ran out and stood in the street. Both girls had been asleep taking naps, and I was in the back yard trying to get some yard work done. I have baby monitors, but she was quiet enough that I didn't hear her leave her room. A stranger stopped and grabbed her out of the street and brought her back into the house (she had left the door wide open) and alerted me. If that man had not stopped and helped my daughter, she would probably be dead right now. I can not begin to express how hard I shook from fright when I learned what had happened.

I have been thinking and trying to rack my brain as to why she would run out of the house like she did. Things have been pretty upset and different since my husband was arrested. The girls ask about him some, but the oldest daughter is the one who always asks "Daddy at work?" "where Daddy?" I know she misses him, they both do. Hell, as mad as I get at him, I still miss him. Change is hard, especially when they are too young to be able to understand what is going on or why. I have explained it best I can, trying to be simple and reassure them whenever I think they need it. I simply told my oldest daughter that Daddy has some problems that he needs to fix, and because of those problems he can't live with us. I assured her that he still loves her and that this has nothing to do with them as it is his problem and only he is responsible for it. So with that being upsetting for her, she was also angry about not being outside. We had been out in the yard earlier and she kept trying to go outside of the fence. I warned her that if she opened the gate one more time that we would go inside. Well, she opened the gate and went outside the fence, so we went inside with her kicking and screaming the whole way. She was very angry at me, and I put her in her room for a nap. She screamed for awhile and finally fell asleep. Both girls were down for a nap and I had a lot of work to do, so I went back out and got started.

I have not slept very well since that day. I worry every time I go into the bathroom or go into the basement where I can't see her constantly. I will buy some padlocks and latch things to put on both doors on the inside so I can lock up at night so she can't get out. I will need to keep the key on me at all times, and think I may just wear it on a chain around my neck. The padlocks was a suggestion the pediatrician made, and I will do it as soon as I get enough cash to buy the stuff to do it with.

Finding out about my youngest girl's heart murmur coupled with my oldest daughter running out of the house and all the stress and worry from the separation has really fucked up my emotions. I did not sleep last night. I couldn't sleep so I finally just decided to stay up and watch tv until I passed out. I finally fell asleep after 6:00 am until the girls got up around 7:30 am. I didn't do anything today. I didn't clean, I didn't shower, I didn't cook, I didn't do anything. We had cold cereal and sandwiches to eat today. I was so depressed and blue that I just lay on the couch and cried most of the day. Again I am up late. It is nearly 2:30 am the next day, and I still feel like I can't sleep. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, and it looks like it'll be the same story tonight.

I really need tomorrow to go well. I need to think of something fun to do, something uplifting and encouraging. Fuck...why does everything have to be so hard sometimes? I am ready for a good day again. Even if I don't sleep tonight, I will still go lie in bed and pretend to sleep. Maybe that will be more restful than sitting at the computer...ha ha, yeah right...

Finally starting to move forward.

The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.

I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that bright...no offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.

I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.

It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.

Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.

Alive and kicking, despite it all.

Okay, I'll admit it...I ran away from my problems for a couple days. I went to visit my parents and left all the crap and headache here. Apparently it was so nice as to wait for me. When I got home I discovered my internet was shut off. Of course that was Saturday evening so I couldn't do anything about it Sunday. Today I went and paid the internet company and they turned it back on for me...though I have no idea for how long. I will be behind again at the beginning of next month, and it's not like my husband is giving me any money for bills...or food for that matter.

I have had a drastic change in attitude this past week. I went from missing my husband and hoping things worked out to wishing he met with an untimely accident. It is very evil of me to think about it, but honestly things would be much better for me right now if he got ran over and died. Chances are that he will not change, meaning he will spend the rest of his life miserable and abusive. I will always have to deal with him trying to interfere and messing with the children's lives. Plus, if he kicked the can, I would get $250,000.00 from his life insurance. It is terrible that I have actually wished for his demise, but it is difficult to feel compassion for a man who has basically abandoned his wife and children.

We have no money for anything. Okay, that's not true. I have about $150 in cash for food and diapers. Who knows when I'll be getting any more money, so that is what I have to try and live on. He puts something into the account, then he withdraws and causes overdrafts. Within one week he had overdrawn the account TWICE!!!! In one week, he managed to screw the finances over. I am a little confused why he needs over half of the money, but me and the two children can live on shit? I am really confused, but aren't they his children too? Perhaps he doesn't care if they starve?

My general attitude now is that he can fuck off and die for all I care, as long as he leaves me and the girls alone. I do not trust him, nor will I ever trust him. I would have to be stupid to trust him after everything that has happened. Going back and thinking about our marriage, I am pissed off that he would think it okay to treat me the way he has. I actually believed no man would ever want me, I actually started to believe that I was crazy and had no right or place in life. I think now that he would be hard pressed to prove to me that I am not worth something. I am not the smartest, or the most talented, or the sexiest woman on the face of this earth, but you know what? I sure as hell am not the stupidest, or the ugliest, or worthless. I have worth...every human being has worth solely because they exist. Being born is enough reason to be priceless and cherished.

I've been thinking about moving on...about how hard it will be, but how exciting it will be at the same time. I can't describe how liberating it feels to know that I could find someone who wouldn't push me away all the time, someone who really would love and value me for who I am. Men like that do exist...it's just trying to find one who is available. Ha, I think most women could attest to that being the hard part...dig through the shit until you find a diamond.

I finally got my late review submitted today. I had been so out of sorts for a while, and hadn't got it done. I had made up my mind to do it after I got back from my mini vacation, until I got home and found the internet turned off. At least that's done and over with now. Now to review the cock ring for which I have no cock to try it out on...I guess I'll just put what I can, and admit that I don't have a cock :(

I've made my list for a man I would consider marrying. It is long, I'll admit it. Heck I might as well put it on here.

The Man I Would Consent to Marry...

1) must be intelligent enough to carry a witty conversation and be able to understand my jokes.
2) must have a healthy self-esteem and be confident of himself
3) must be able to take care of himself and be able to make large and small decision responsibly
4) must be polite and respectful to others even if his viewpoint does not match theirs
5) must be passionate about life and be able to be optimistic in times of upheaval
6) must have a gentle and loving spirit
7) must place great value on the trust and respect that I bestow upon him
8) must be honest above all else, even if it causes conflict
9) must hold family in high regard and be very committed to a peaceful and loving home life
10) must not discourage my faith or beliefs
11) must allow me the satisfaction of pleasing him WITHOUT the fear of constant rejection
12) must be able to see the "big picture" and not focus on small disagreements
13) must be able to love and accept my girls without showing blatant favoritism for his biological children, whether or not those children are with me
14) must be supportive and uplifting to me in times of need
15) must not swear at me or raise his voice to me or call me names
16) must end a confrontation if I begin to cry or show signs of defeat or fear, realizing that no argument is worth causing permanent harm to the relationship
17) must not ignore me or walk away while I am talking
18) must not knowingly cause me pain, physical or emotional
19) must be fun to be around and be able to laugh openly and honestly
20) must value kind gestures over expensive gifts
21) must be able to trust me completely without holding back

That's all :P

pluggin' away at life, one day at a time

It felt good to get that stuff off my chest last night. I thought I would sleep better, but I didn't. I still miss my husband. I am hoping this gets easier. Some nights it gets so hard, I think about calling him. I know I can't though. I just keep telling myself that calling him would only make things worse...no matter how worried I get about him or how badly I miss him.

It is difficult trying to put myself and the children first. I've been the only person my husband has really had to count on, and it feels so foreign to me to consider myself before him. I've excused a lot of the emotional abuse from him because of his past. I've always felt so bad for him, being cast aside by his own mother...I never thought he would threaten my life though. I feel like no matter how hard I tried to help him, he just slipped through my fingers. Maybe he will make the choice to get better on his own. I don't know, but I've got to take care of myself and the girls before I can worry about anybody else, even if he is the father of my children.

I braved the snow and went grocery shopping. I was sneaky and did it while my oldest girl was in school. Just the 2 year old went with me, so that made it easier. Then comes the fun task of figuring out bills...bleh. I don't have enough money to make even some of the bills. I am prioritizing the car payments and insurance...so we can get the hell out of here if we have to. I still have to make up my list of all the bills, and figure out just how much debt there is. I am always the one who gets stuck with fixing the finances after he screws them all up. Geez, maybe I should go to college to be an accountant...if only I didn't hate it so much. lol

Anyways, I'd better stop stalling and get back to my life...one day at a time, I just keep telling myself, one day at a time and I'll get through this.

It's cold, and I'm thinking about the past.

Cold and snowy Montana can really suck sometimes. I have been cold all day, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it will get much colder this winter. Today the temp was 30 when I checked. Montana holds two records for temp...most people don't know that. The coldest temp ever recorded in the united states was in Alaska at -82 F, the second was in Montana at -72...about 20 miles from where I live. Most extreme temp change during 24 hours was in Montana; -54 to 49. This state is pretty extreme in it's weather. In the summer we get upwards of 110 and in the winter we get below -40. I get kinda sick of it sometimes, though I have noticed the extremes aren't as extreme as they were ten years ago.

Anyways, I am sick of the cold. I hate shivering. To help deal with it I am drinking...just kidding. The drinking is really to help me deal with my separation status. lol Not really, I know better than to turn to alcohol. I just wanted to have a drink, and we have the stuff to make one, so what the hell? Why not enjoy one freaking drink without my husband? I really wanted a screaming orgasm, but I used all the Bailey's in my coffee :( I thought about just doing a shot of Bacardi 151, but decided I wanted something tasty instead...so I'm having a Kryptonite.

My husband called me earlier...so much for the no contact order. Anyways, I seriously wasn't sure if I should even answer it or not...but I'm super lonely, so I did. He didn't answer, but I couldn't hear breathing or anything. I could hear some background noise, like dishes banging together and such. I figured he must have been at work...though I'm unclear as to why he called me. Did he want to harass or scare me? Or did he just want to hear my voice? I know it wasn't an accident, because the default setting for these phones is to lock the keypad after the phone has been in stand by mode for 15 seconds. I'm not sure what I think of the whole deal. I guess I could believe whatever I want, but I'm not even sure what I "want" to believe.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel. I thought this would stop at some point...but a week obviously isn't enough time. I keep thinking that maybe he has woke up some, maybe he got scared enough to set him straight. Do I want him to "wake up" or "straighten" out? I don't know...that is what gets me...I just don't know what I want. I want to be loved of course, but do I want HIM to be the one to love me? I used to. His love was what I wanted the most in this world...and I was so happy when I had it. Those first two years were awesome. I was never happier than when he held me, when he loved me, when he looked into my eyes but saw my soul. Is that person dead? Is there anything left of the man I fell in love with? Why would he let this happen? Why would it ever be okay for anyone to put me down? At one point, he was proud of me...why did that change?

I want to know what will happen. I really don't have the patience for this. IF he contacts his public defender, and IF he petitions the court to allow for marriage counseling, then MAYBE this could work out. I don't know if he will do it though. He keeps sending mixed messages to me. One the one hand he has not provided enough money for me to buy food and diapers for the girls, he has spied on me, and he has called me when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, he has called my mother asking if me and the girls are okay, he reached out to his parents for support (he is not close to them by any means), he is talking to a minister, and he is trying to get another job (his other job fired him because he didn't come into work, even though he was in jail). Some things are very impressive for him, like talking to his parents. They have offered support and everything to both of us in the past, but he had a VERY difficult childhood, and there isn't much trust there.

I have forgiven so much of his past behavior because of his childhood. I haven't talked about it on my blog much, because it is so painful. There is no way around it, his mother is evil. I love his step-mother alot, as she has only ever been kind to us and loving. His mother is a bitch, but it doesn't start there. The grandmother is a bitch also. It is horrid talking about people this way, but they seriously are very screwed up. The grandmother had more husbands that I care to remember, some of which raped and beat my husband's mother during her childhood. She in turn grew up to have very poor relationships.

My husband's father was her first husband. She was insanely jealous and emotionally abusive to him. They divorced, and she used the two children against him. She remarried and had a third child with that husband. She accused that husband of trying to kill their unborn child (by poisoning her tea), and of molesting my husband and his little sister. That wasn't good enough though, she took it a step further and accused him of satanic worship, which included beating and gang raping my husband who was 6 years old at the time. My husband has no clear memory of what did or did not happen, though this conveniently happened after the step-father tried to get the children involved in Sunday school and make friends. Needless to say, there was a divorce.

My husband was a very unruly child, as he was constantly crying out for attention. This went so far as to try to commit suicide at the age of 7, because (in his words) his mother didn't want him. The youngest child was all the focus, and my husband and his sister were only ever used as pawns to hurt their father. She actually told her son that his daddy didn't want him anymore, because he had found a new family. This was not true, and no matter what was set up for visitations, she would change plans or not be at home so they could not see each other. Every time she cancelled the visits, she would tell her son "see, I told you daddy didn't want you anymore."

After his suicide attempt, his mother took him to a hospital and had him committed. When the nurses restrained him to a bed and injected him with sedatives, she freaked out. It wasn't long until she took him out against doctors orders, and took him to a different place. The special children's hospital she took him to did some thorough interviews with her. I have read the transcripts of these interviews with my husband. When we had been married about 6 months he wanted to go through them, just to see what had really happened. She told the psychologist many things about what her ex had done to her son and daughter. She told him about all the alleged rapping's, and that her ex had forced her son (6 years old) to rape her with a dildo while she was drugged and unconscious (who knows how she would have known exactly what happened if she wasn't awake, but never mind that little detail). The horrid and appalling stories just went on and one. At the end of the interview, the psychologist noted that he did not believe her story. She sat there showing ZERO emotion, and actually nursed her baby while talking about her own child being beaten and raped.

My husband was admitted into the hospital for observation and treatment. It all went well. He played with dinosaur toys and related to others well...in fact he showed no signs of trauma or abuse. He was respectful and not fearful of the male staff members at all, and was very polite. He got along well with all the other children, and there was never anything sexual in any of his play. He said he had not been touched, and denied ever being abused.

After three months in this place, his mother came and against medical advice removed him and his sister (they were both staying there for treatment). She took them into another state without telling anyone. Well, this qualified as kidnapping, and the police search started. After about 3 weeks they were found and brought back. The reports of my husband's behaviour was completely different than it had been previously. He talked extensively about being raped and tortured. He was afraid off staff and almost all of his play involved rape or sexual scenarios. He often grabbed himself, and seemed extremely afraid that something would happen to his genitals. He seemed OCD also, with extreme hand washing rituals and being scared that touching batteries would kill him.

It was shocking how much he had changed during those 3 weeks. There was no question that his mother had brainwashed him during that time. He was so normal before, then was so screwed up after. Anyways, his mother lost custody of him and his sister for this, and the father and step-mother had him. They kept him in the hospital for treatment and went to visit him. Once it was determined that he could be released, him and his sister went to live with them. Everything would be going great, then he would go visit his mother for a weekend. When he would return he would be extremely withdrawn and depressed. As he got older, this turned into rage and acting out violently. Once he got to the age of 13 he would become so upset that he was a threat to the other children in the house. His mother had also worked very hard to turn him against his step-mother. They finally ended up letting him go live with his mother because he was too dangerous and they were afraid violence would begin.

Anyways, I met him when he was 19. He had just got out of the army (medical discharge) and was living with his mother and her 3rd husband, his sister and the half brother. I thought he was very sweet, and kind. He seemed to be very desperate for acceptance and love, but was gentle and kind towards me. Everything was fine for awhile. We talked over the internet and the phone, and were beginning to have strong feelings for each other. After talking for about 3 months, we decided to meet in person.

We met, and had a really great time. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was looking for gentleness and compassion...which I found in him. We decided that we would move in together so he could get away from his mother, and I couldn't afford a place on my own. That is when things started getting bad. Our relationship was great, but there was obvious jealousy from his mother. She never treated him as a son, but more like a boyfriend. She always wanted him to give her back rubs, and to be touching her. I found this to be inappropriate. She would confide in him about her sex life, and bring up issues that she never should have relied on him to support her with. When it was obvious that him and I had a sexual relationship, it became much worse. She began trying to turn him against me, telling him that I was trying to manipulate him and that I could not be trusted. I had been trying to help him, but that was all I was guilty of. How many 19 year old men, think they have to ask for permission to piss? That really bothered me, and I wanted him to be more confident and independent. I always supported him, and told him that he was a man, he could do whatever he wanted to.

So many times, he would off the phone with her and be extremely upset. He would start asking me if I really loved him, and why would I ever want to be with him. He seemed so sure that he was worthless, and it was always after talking to her. He finally came to me, in tears, because he was so upset that his mother was running me down to him. I was the one who supported him and encouraged him. He didn't think he would be able to get into college, I was the one who convinced him to try his best and find out for sure. I don't know how many times I held him as he cried after talking to his mother. He stopped calling her, and would only talk to her if she called.

She began working on me then. She actually told me that if I found out what he was really like I wouldn't want him. She told me that he was stupid, and that he was a horrible person. I finally got so sick of it, I told her that I loved him and that I would not stand for her running him down like that. I told her that he didn't call her because she always him when they would talk. Anyways, she didn't like me defending him, and the war started. After we got married her and her boyfriend (yes, she divorced the 3rd husband because he was "crazy" and had already moved onto another guy) actually drove for 4 hours to come "straighten me out." I think she was wanting to intimidate me, but it didn't work. She seemed surprised that I didn't treat my husband like shit. When he got home from work, I made him some coffee and got him a chair so he wouldn't have to stand. I guess she never showed kindness to any of her husbands, so she didn't realize what it looked like.

The fighting and crap went on for a few months. She started making attacks against my family because we went to see them but had never went to visit her. Never mind the fact that my parents lived much closer than she did, and my parents actually didn't treat my husband like crap. In fact, my husband drew the line there. My mother had been kind to him, and he felt that she had been more like a mother to him than his own mother had been. She had kept telling him that he would have to choose between me and her. He asked me if I wanted him to choose between us, to which I told him that he should never have to choose between him mother or his wife because the relationships are completely different. Needless to say, he ended up choosing me. He finally decided that he was done talking to his mother. He called her and told her that he would no longer consider her his family. She had refused to accept his wife, and by doing that had lost him. After that he did not call her, did not answer her calls and stopped all email activity. All cards and letters went to the trash unopened.

At the time that he told her he would no longer talk to her, I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. He had decided he did not want her in our children's lives, because of the childhood he had been through. I can't say that I was upset he decided to cut her out, in fact I was relieved. For awhile our marriage was very good. After considering how crazy his mother really was, he decided that maybe everything she said about his father and step-mother was not true. He got in touch with them to tell them that we were expecting a child, and from there developed a relationship. He never became very close to them, but at least he was talking with them and he did find out that almost everything his mother had told him had been a lie.

The problems in our marriage didn't start until after the baby was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and had preeclampsia which caused an emergency cesarean. I almost died, and the midwife and OB/GYN kept me in the room next to the OR because they were afraid I would stroke even after the delivery. I had lost a lot of blood due to a hemorrhage during the surgery, and it looked pretty grim for awhile for me. I could see how scared my husband was during the surgery. As he left the room with the nurse and the baby, the last words he heard was "She is loosing a lot of blood, this isn't looking good. Get a bag ready, and let's hurry this up." I was scared to death, and I know he was too.

As soon as he was allowed to come see me in the recovery room, he did. I don't think I've ever seen him so scared. He was crying and just kept telling me how much he loved me. He was very kind to me in the hospital, and stayed by my side the entire time. After we got home it was a different story though. He slumped into a depression almost as soon as the baby was a week old. My mother was staying with us to help, as I was not allowed to lift anything or do anything besides walk and rest. She stayed for two weeks, which was when I was finally allowed to hold my baby on my own. I was not to be doing anything besides taking care of the baby and myself. My husband had promised to take care of all the cleaning and the cooking while he was home from work. By about the third week, he started asking me why I wasn't doing anything. He started telling me what a bad wife I was, that I want even making sure he had clean clothes to wear to work.

I remember standing over the washing machine, trying to pull the wet clothes up out with both of my hands. It hurt in my incision, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so abandoned by him. I needed to rest, but I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. It hurt me so badly to hear him say that I wasn't doing a good enough job. He started telling me I was unfit to be a mother, because I got postpartum depression. I cried a lot, and would have to put the baby in her crib and just go to a different room and cry. I felt so overwhelmed and was afraid that I wasn't doing a good enough job for my husband or my baby. I thought about killing myself so many times. A family was what I had wanted, but I could see that I was losing my husband. I loved him so much, and what he said cut me to my very core.

I got on medication, and got through it. I did the best I could, and things just continued to get worse. Instead of coming to me anymore, my husband started spending all of our money. He started in with the self hatred again, and it became such a negative spiral. We separated for a few weeks, and during that time he over drew all of our bank accounts. We ended up being in debt to everyone, and I had no choice but to come back and to try to straighten things out. He had started smoking while I was away. I couldn't figure out why he always smelled like cigarettes, he knew that I didn't want him to smoke for several reasons. I started getting horrific migraines from it, and spent many evenings in so much pain I couldn't manage to do anything but lay and cry. He told me he would stop, but he didn't. He started going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late every day. He didn't get as much time together, and he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He wouldn't let me get close to him, because he was afraid I would smell the smoke on him.

This went on for awhile, but some things started to get better. He stopped being so negative to me, and we decided to have another baby. Things were great while we were trying to get pregnant. We were having sex almost everyday, and it seemed like he was more interested in me and our little girl. Once I did get pregnant though, he started withdrawing some again. He still wanted to have sex, but he ignored the new baby. He never wanted to feel her kick, and he wouldn't help me shop for her or pick out a name even. During the delivery he seemed like he wasn't quite there.

I had lost a lot of blood again, and they were having a hard time getting my temp and oxygen levels back to normal. I couldn't be given normal medication yet, so I spent the first night on a morphine drip. I asked my husband to please push the button for me so I could sleep, which he agreed to do. I went to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later in horrible pain. He was sitting here in the chair next to me, asleep. I pushed the button and woke him up. I asked him if he would please push the button for me so I could rest. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. I woke up again in a little while in horrible pain, because he had again fallen asleep. The whole night went like that. I felt so abandoned by him. I had really needed him. I had just had his baby, and I really needed the sleep. He just let me be in pain, in excruciating pain. He didn't protect me, he didn't come to save me when I needed him the most.

He didn't care about the baby almost at all. He rarely held her, and he had no interest in spending time with me either. I again struggled with postpartum depression. I got through it, and we continued to be distant in our marriage. He finally admitted his smoking to me after trying to hide it for 2 years. I hated that he had been lying to me, even though I had know he was. It hurt to actually hear him say the words. It hurt for him to aknowledge that he was causing me to have migraines, but yet he hadn't tried to stop. I left for a week so we could think. He decided he wanted to quite smoking and for us to work on our marriage. I agreed, and it seemed like things were going good for a couple days.

Those first two days after we agreed to work things out were wonderful. It was almost like things had been when he were first married. He was holding me all the time and we had started kissing again. We talked and spent time as a family and as lovers. I was very happy; I felt like I finally had my husband back. It didn't last though. In a few weeks he started withdrawing again. He had a lot of trouble with smoking, but instead of comming to me for support he tried to hide it from me. He lied to me, and things got worse.

It wasn't long until he started calling me names and putting me down. He would touch me during the day and tell me he wanted me, then he would stay up until he was too tired to have sex. He would promise to have sex with me, then just push me away. We would go for a month at a time without sex, and I hated it. I began to feel ugly and not wanted. He didn't look at me the same way, he didn't touch me the same way...it didn't even seem like he was the same person. We talked and decided we needed to get into therapy. He found someone who would be available to see us within two weeks, and we went.

That therapist (I don't think he even had a degree, not even an associates) only hurt our marriage. I told him that one of our biggest problems was that my husband lies all the time, and he has a very low self esteem. From that the fucking jerk decided that I was a bitch. He didn't say the words, but he might as well have. He told me that my husband only lied to me because I made him too scared to be honest with me. It didn't matter that we both told him that my husband has always lied to protect himself, it started when he was a child as a way to deal with his mother. I don't know how it got to be MY fault that he lies. He told me I shouldn't ask my husband to quit smoking, never mind that it gives me migraines...besides, smoking doesn't cause cancer, that's just a conspiracy by the medical community as a way to get more money...at this point I decided he was an idiot and a quack. My husband's own grandfather died from smoking related cancer! It runs in his family! I would think he would want to live as long as he could, but it doesn't seemed like he cared that much.

It was after that therapist told my husband he needed to control me more and put me in my place (see, the really was a quack) was when things started getting more pysichal. He started grabbing my wrists to restrain me when we fought. He would hold a door shut so I couldn't go into another room. Then he started threatening to hurt me. Even though he never hit me, it broke my heart that he would even say it.

I wonder where the man I married went to. The man that threatened to kill me last week, wasn't the man who swore to always love me. I didn't see the same spirit when I looked at his face. I almost feel as if my husband died.

The things that happened in the past really confuses things for me now. I almost feel like it would have been weird if he didn't turn abusive, just look at his childhood. No matter what happens, this stops here. The abuse will NOT continue on to my children. I won't allow it. I don't want my husband to be abusive, but it's his choice not mine. I wish I could have helped him avoid this, but I did everything I could think of. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that my loving him wasn't enough for him to want to change. He makes his decisions, and he will decide if he changes or if he doesn't. It is hard to be the victim in this, but yet want to help him. I want to take care of me and the girls, but I also feel like I should try to help him.

What a long post...it does feel good to get it all out though. I am off to bed :)