Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Finally starting to move forward.

The Y here is a busy place. I called several times yesterday and the line was busy. Today I got through though, and I have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I have never been to the YWCA, so tomorrow will be my first time. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I'll be going to the Mercy Home located within the YWCA. I am going to get as much information as I can, and hopefully some advice.

I know what I want to do and where I want to take my life...I just have no clue how to get there. I don't even know where to start when it comes to getting into a college. I know I will need to study and brush up on some subjects, particularly math as it was never my strong suit. I am pretty sure I'll be able to get into the college here though, heck my husband got into the tech school here, and he isn't exactly that bright...no offense to him, it is just a fact that he wasn't the best student or learner. I think once I get into college and things are moving along though, that I should be fine. I am actually really looking forward to bettering myself and furthering my education beyond a high school level.

I can not even begin to express the guilt and shame that I feel over my financial situation. I never wanted to be on any kind of government aid. Welfare is a dirty word in my family. It is associated with dirty lazy people who never try to do anything with their lives and just live off of government handouts. I will become one of those people, one of those people who will rely on the tax payers to support me. I never thought I would have to apply for these kinds of programs. If it was just me, I would probably just starve. Knowing that I will be applying for government aid really hurts my pride, but if it means keeping my children safe and fed, then fuck my damn pride. I will take help from the government only until I can support myself and my children. I will NOT become a welfare bum though...I will get through college and I will be a survivor. I will get a degree in psychology and I will work to help women who are going through this same thing. I will give back, I will do what I can to ease the burden on others like me. That is what I am working towards.

It sounds so righteous, me wanted to go to college to learn how to help battered women...but it is honestly very selfish. I will learn so much about myself when I go through the schooling. I will learn about the patterns and maybe find some answers as to why I allowed this to happen to myself and why my husband allowed himself to become so abusive and destructive. If I could help one woman get back her power after feeling like a worthless piece of crap, then I will have achieved something I never imagined I could do. I was one of those women, the "worthless" ones, beating themselves up mentally wondering why they aren't loved. I still fight with the brainwashing, but I've come to accept that I didn't make him this way. I didn't do anything that made it okay for him to put me down. I never did anything that would justify him threatening my life. I tried the best I could, but it wasn't my problem to fix, so ultimately there was nothing I could do anyway.

Tomorrow feels like it will be the first step down the path of my new life. I will finally get some guidance, some information, some place to start. I can only imagine what my life will be like in 6 years. It seems a far cry from this at least. I am excited that things are finally moving forward, even if it is slow.

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