Sunday, October 12, 2008

It's cold, and I'm thinking about the past.

Cold and snowy Montana can really suck sometimes. I have been cold all day, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it will get much colder this winter. Today the temp was 30 when I checked. Montana holds two records for temp...most people don't know that. The coldest temp ever recorded in the united states was in Alaska at -82 F, the second was in Montana at -72...about 20 miles from where I live. Most extreme temp change during 24 hours was in Montana; -54 to 49. This state is pretty extreme in it's weather. In the summer we get upwards of 110 and in the winter we get below -40. I get kinda sick of it sometimes, though I have noticed the extremes aren't as extreme as they were ten years ago.

Anyways, I am sick of the cold. I hate shivering. To help deal with it I am drinking...just kidding. The drinking is really to help me deal with my separation status. lol Not really, I know better than to turn to alcohol. I just wanted to have a drink, and we have the stuff to make one, so what the hell? Why not enjoy one freaking drink without my husband? I really wanted a screaming orgasm, but I used all the Bailey's in my coffee :( I thought about just doing a shot of Bacardi 151, but decided I wanted something tasty I'm having a Kryptonite.

My husband called me much for the no contact order. Anyways, I seriously wasn't sure if I should even answer it or not...but I'm super lonely, so I did. He didn't answer, but I couldn't hear breathing or anything. I could hear some background noise, like dishes banging together and such. I figured he must have been at work...though I'm unclear as to why he called me. Did he want to harass or scare me? Or did he just want to hear my voice? I know it wasn't an accident, because the default setting for these phones is to lock the keypad after the phone has been in stand by mode for 15 seconds. I'm not sure what I think of the whole deal. I guess I could believe whatever I want, but I'm not even sure what I "want" to believe.

I keep going back and forth on how I feel. I thought this would stop at some point...but a week obviously isn't enough time. I keep thinking that maybe he has woke up some, maybe he got scared enough to set him straight. Do I want him to "wake up" or "straighten" out? I don't know...that is what gets me...I just don't know what I want. I want to be loved of course, but do I want HIM to be the one to love me? I used to. His love was what I wanted the most in this world...and I was so happy when I had it. Those first two years were awesome. I was never happier than when he held me, when he loved me, when he looked into my eyes but saw my soul. Is that person dead? Is there anything left of the man I fell in love with? Why would he let this happen? Why would it ever be okay for anyone to put me down? At one point, he was proud of me...why did that change?

I want to know what will happen. I really don't have the patience for this. IF he contacts his public defender, and IF he petitions the court to allow for marriage counseling, then MAYBE this could work out. I don't know if he will do it though. He keeps sending mixed messages to me. One the one hand he has not provided enough money for me to buy food and diapers for the girls, he has spied on me, and he has called me when he shouldn't have. On the other hand though, he has called my mother asking if me and the girls are okay, he reached out to his parents for support (he is not close to them by any means), he is talking to a minister, and he is trying to get another job (his other job fired him because he didn't come into work, even though he was in jail). Some things are very impressive for him, like talking to his parents. They have offered support and everything to both of us in the past, but he had a VERY difficult childhood, and there isn't much trust there.

I have forgiven so much of his past behavior because of his childhood. I haven't talked about it on my blog much, because it is so painful. There is no way around it, his mother is evil. I love his step-mother alot, as she has only ever been kind to us and loving. His mother is a bitch, but it doesn't start there. The grandmother is a bitch also. It is horrid talking about people this way, but they seriously are very screwed up. The grandmother had more husbands that I care to remember, some of which raped and beat my husband's mother during her childhood. She in turn grew up to have very poor relationships.

My husband's father was her first husband. She was insanely jealous and emotionally abusive to him. They divorced, and she used the two children against him. She remarried and had a third child with that husband. She accused that husband of trying to kill their unborn child (by poisoning her tea), and of molesting my husband and his little sister. That wasn't good enough though, she took it a step further and accused him of satanic worship, which included beating and gang raping my husband who was 6 years old at the time. My husband has no clear memory of what did or did not happen, though this conveniently happened after the step-father tried to get the children involved in Sunday school and make friends. Needless to say, there was a divorce.

My husband was a very unruly child, as he was constantly crying out for attention. This went so far as to try to commit suicide at the age of 7, because (in his words) his mother didn't want him. The youngest child was all the focus, and my husband and his sister were only ever used as pawns to hurt their father. She actually told her son that his daddy didn't want him anymore, because he had found a new family. This was not true, and no matter what was set up for visitations, she would change plans or not be at home so they could not see each other. Every time she cancelled the visits, she would tell her son "see, I told you daddy didn't want you anymore."

After his suicide attempt, his mother took him to a hospital and had him committed. When the nurses restrained him to a bed and injected him with sedatives, she freaked out. It wasn't long until she took him out against doctors orders, and took him to a different place. The special children's hospital she took him to did some thorough interviews with her. I have read the transcripts of these interviews with my husband. When we had been married about 6 months he wanted to go through them, just to see what had really happened. She told the psychologist many things about what her ex had done to her son and daughter. She told him about all the alleged rapping's, and that her ex had forced her son (6 years old) to rape her with a dildo while she was drugged and unconscious (who knows how she would have known exactly what happened if she wasn't awake, but never mind that little detail). The horrid and appalling stories just went on and one. At the end of the interview, the psychologist noted that he did not believe her story. She sat there showing ZERO emotion, and actually nursed her baby while talking about her own child being beaten and raped.

My husband was admitted into the hospital for observation and treatment. It all went well. He played with dinosaur toys and related to others fact he showed no signs of trauma or abuse. He was respectful and not fearful of the male staff members at all, and was very polite. He got along well with all the other children, and there was never anything sexual in any of his play. He said he had not been touched, and denied ever being abused.

After three months in this place, his mother came and against medical advice removed him and his sister (they were both staying there for treatment). She took them into another state without telling anyone. Well, this qualified as kidnapping, and the police search started. After about 3 weeks they were found and brought back. The reports of my husband's behaviour was completely different than it had been previously. He talked extensively about being raped and tortured. He was afraid off staff and almost all of his play involved rape or sexual scenarios. He often grabbed himself, and seemed extremely afraid that something would happen to his genitals. He seemed OCD also, with extreme hand washing rituals and being scared that touching batteries would kill him.

It was shocking how much he had changed during those 3 weeks. There was no question that his mother had brainwashed him during that time. He was so normal before, then was so screwed up after. Anyways, his mother lost custody of him and his sister for this, and the father and step-mother had him. They kept him in the hospital for treatment and went to visit him. Once it was determined that he could be released, him and his sister went to live with them. Everything would be going great, then he would go visit his mother for a weekend. When he would return he would be extremely withdrawn and depressed. As he got older, this turned into rage and acting out violently. Once he got to the age of 13 he would become so upset that he was a threat to the other children in the house. His mother had also worked very hard to turn him against his step-mother. They finally ended up letting him go live with his mother because he was too dangerous and they were afraid violence would begin.

Anyways, I met him when he was 19. He had just got out of the army (medical discharge) and was living with his mother and her 3rd husband, his sister and the half brother. I thought he was very sweet, and kind. He seemed to be very desperate for acceptance and love, but was gentle and kind towards me. Everything was fine for awhile. We talked over the internet and the phone, and were beginning to have strong feelings for each other. After talking for about 3 months, we decided to meet in person.

We met, and had a really great time. I had gotten out of an abusive relationship, and I was looking for gentleness and compassion...which I found in him. We decided that we would move in together so he could get away from his mother, and I couldn't afford a place on my own. That is when things started getting bad. Our relationship was great, but there was obvious jealousy from his mother. She never treated him as a son, but more like a boyfriend. She always wanted him to give her back rubs, and to be touching her. I found this to be inappropriate. She would confide in him about her sex life, and bring up issues that she never should have relied on him to support her with. When it was obvious that him and I had a sexual relationship, it became much worse. She began trying to turn him against me, telling him that I was trying to manipulate him and that I could not be trusted. I had been trying to help him, but that was all I was guilty of. How many 19 year old men, think they have to ask for permission to piss? That really bothered me, and I wanted him to be more confident and independent. I always supported him, and told him that he was a man, he could do whatever he wanted to.

So many times, he would off the phone with her and be extremely upset. He would start asking me if I really loved him, and why would I ever want to be with him. He seemed so sure that he was worthless, and it was always after talking to her. He finally came to me, in tears, because he was so upset that his mother was running me down to him. I was the one who supported him and encouraged him. He didn't think he would be able to get into college, I was the one who convinced him to try his best and find out for sure. I don't know how many times I held him as he cried after talking to his mother. He stopped calling her, and would only talk to her if she called.

She began working on me then. She actually told me that if I found out what he was really like I wouldn't want him. She told me that he was stupid, and that he was a horrible person. I finally got so sick of it, I told her that I loved him and that I would not stand for her running him down like that. I told her that he didn't call her because she always him when they would talk. Anyways, she didn't like me defending him, and the war started. After we got married her and her boyfriend (yes, she divorced the 3rd husband because he was "crazy" and had already moved onto another guy) actually drove for 4 hours to come "straighten me out." I think she was wanting to intimidate me, but it didn't work. She seemed surprised that I didn't treat my husband like shit. When he got home from work, I made him some coffee and got him a chair so he wouldn't have to stand. I guess she never showed kindness to any of her husbands, so she didn't realize what it looked like.

The fighting and crap went on for a few months. She started making attacks against my family because we went to see them but had never went to visit her. Never mind the fact that my parents lived much closer than she did, and my parents actually didn't treat my husband like crap. In fact, my husband drew the line there. My mother had been kind to him, and he felt that she had been more like a mother to him than his own mother had been. She had kept telling him that he would have to choose between me and her. He asked me if I wanted him to choose between us, to which I told him that he should never have to choose between him mother or his wife because the relationships are completely different. Needless to say, he ended up choosing me. He finally decided that he was done talking to his mother. He called her and told her that he would no longer consider her his family. She had refused to accept his wife, and by doing that had lost him. After that he did not call her, did not answer her calls and stopped all email activity. All cards and letters went to the trash unopened.

At the time that he told her he would no longer talk to her, I was 3 months pregnant with our first child. He had decided he did not want her in our children's lives, because of the childhood he had been through. I can't say that I was upset he decided to cut her out, in fact I was relieved. For awhile our marriage was very good. After considering how crazy his mother really was, he decided that maybe everything she said about his father and step-mother was not true. He got in touch with them to tell them that we were expecting a child, and from there developed a relationship. He never became very close to them, but at least he was talking with them and he did find out that almost everything his mother had told him had been a lie.

The problems in our marriage didn't start until after the baby was born. I had a difficult pregnancy and had preeclampsia which caused an emergency cesarean. I almost died, and the midwife and OB/GYN kept me in the room next to the OR because they were afraid I would stroke even after the delivery. I had lost a lot of blood due to a hemorrhage during the surgery, and it looked pretty grim for awhile for me. I could see how scared my husband was during the surgery. As he left the room with the nurse and the baby, the last words he heard was "She is loosing a lot of blood, this isn't looking good. Get a bag ready, and let's hurry this up." I was scared to death, and I know he was too.

As soon as he was allowed to come see me in the recovery room, he did. I don't think I've ever seen him so scared. He was crying and just kept telling me how much he loved me. He was very kind to me in the hospital, and stayed by my side the entire time. After we got home it was a different story though. He slumped into a depression almost as soon as the baby was a week old. My mother was staying with us to help, as I was not allowed to lift anything or do anything besides walk and rest. She stayed for two weeks, which was when I was finally allowed to hold my baby on my own. I was not to be doing anything besides taking care of the baby and myself. My husband had promised to take care of all the cleaning and the cooking while he was home from work. By about the third week, he started asking me why I wasn't doing anything. He started telling me what a bad wife I was, that I want even making sure he had clean clothes to wear to work.

I remember standing over the washing machine, trying to pull the wet clothes up out with both of my hands. It hurt in my incision, and I couldn't stop crying. I felt so abandoned by him. I needed to rest, but I didn't want him to think I didn't love him. It hurt me so badly to hear him say that I wasn't doing a good enough job. He started telling me I was unfit to be a mother, because I got postpartum depression. I cried a lot, and would have to put the baby in her crib and just go to a different room and cry. I felt so overwhelmed and was afraid that I wasn't doing a good enough job for my husband or my baby. I thought about killing myself so many times. A family was what I had wanted, but I could see that I was losing my husband. I loved him so much, and what he said cut me to my very core.

I got on medication, and got through it. I did the best I could, and things just continued to get worse. Instead of coming to me anymore, my husband started spending all of our money. He started in with the self hatred again, and it became such a negative spiral. We separated for a few weeks, and during that time he over drew all of our bank accounts. We ended up being in debt to everyone, and I had no choice but to come back and to try to straighten things out. He had started smoking while I was away. I couldn't figure out why he always smelled like cigarettes, he knew that I didn't want him to smoke for several reasons. I started getting horrific migraines from it, and spent many evenings in so much pain I couldn't manage to do anything but lay and cry. He told me he would stop, but he didn't. He started going to work an hour early and coming home an hour late every day. He didn't get as much time together, and he stopped wanting to have sex with me. He wouldn't let me get close to him, because he was afraid I would smell the smoke on him.

This went on for awhile, but some things started to get better. He stopped being so negative to me, and we decided to have another baby. Things were great while we were trying to get pregnant. We were having sex almost everyday, and it seemed like he was more interested in me and our little girl. Once I did get pregnant though, he started withdrawing some again. He still wanted to have sex, but he ignored the new baby. He never wanted to feel her kick, and he wouldn't help me shop for her or pick out a name even. During the delivery he seemed like he wasn't quite there.

I had lost a lot of blood again, and they were having a hard time getting my temp and oxygen levels back to normal. I couldn't be given normal medication yet, so I spent the first night on a morphine drip. I asked my husband to please push the button for me so I could sleep, which he agreed to do. I went to sleep, but I woke up about an hour later in horrible pain. He was sitting here in the chair next to me, asleep. I pushed the button and woke him up. I asked him if he would please push the button for me so I could rest. I was so tired I couldn't stay awake. I woke up again in a little while in horrible pain, because he had again fallen asleep. The whole night went like that. I felt so abandoned by him. I had really needed him. I had just had his baby, and I really needed the sleep. He just let me be in pain, in excruciating pain. He didn't protect me, he didn't come to save me when I needed him the most.

He didn't care about the baby almost at all. He rarely held her, and he had no interest in spending time with me either. I again struggled with postpartum depression. I got through it, and we continued to be distant in our marriage. He finally admitted his smoking to me after trying to hide it for 2 years. I hated that he had been lying to me, even though I had know he was. It hurt to actually hear him say the words. It hurt for him to aknowledge that he was causing me to have migraines, but yet he hadn't tried to stop. I left for a week so we could think. He decided he wanted to quite smoking and for us to work on our marriage. I agreed, and it seemed like things were going good for a couple days.

Those first two days after we agreed to work things out were wonderful. It was almost like things had been when he were first married. He was holding me all the time and we had started kissing again. We talked and spent time as a family and as lovers. I was very happy; I felt like I finally had my husband back. It didn't last though. In a few weeks he started withdrawing again. He had a lot of trouble with smoking, but instead of comming to me for support he tried to hide it from me. He lied to me, and things got worse.

It wasn't long until he started calling me names and putting me down. He would touch me during the day and tell me he wanted me, then he would stay up until he was too tired to have sex. He would promise to have sex with me, then just push me away. We would go for a month at a time without sex, and I hated it. I began to feel ugly and not wanted. He didn't look at me the same way, he didn't touch me the same didn't even seem like he was the same person. We talked and decided we needed to get into therapy. He found someone who would be available to see us within two weeks, and we went.

That therapist (I don't think he even had a degree, not even an associates) only hurt our marriage. I told him that one of our biggest problems was that my husband lies all the time, and he has a very low self esteem. From that the fucking jerk decided that I was a bitch. He didn't say the words, but he might as well have. He told me that my husband only lied to me because I made him too scared to be honest with me. It didn't matter that we both told him that my husband has always lied to protect himself, it started when he was a child as a way to deal with his mother. I don't know how it got to be MY fault that he lies. He told me I shouldn't ask my husband to quit smoking, never mind that it gives me migraines...besides, smoking doesn't cause cancer, that's just a conspiracy by the medical community as a way to get more this point I decided he was an idiot and a quack. My husband's own grandfather died from smoking related cancer! It runs in his family! I would think he would want to live as long as he could, but it doesn't seemed like he cared that much.

It was after that therapist told my husband he needed to control me more and put me in my place (see, the really was a quack) was when things started getting more pysichal. He started grabbing my wrists to restrain me when we fought. He would hold a door shut so I couldn't go into another room. Then he started threatening to hurt me. Even though he never hit me, it broke my heart that he would even say it.

I wonder where the man I married went to. The man that threatened to kill me last week, wasn't the man who swore to always love me. I didn't see the same spirit when I looked at his face. I almost feel as if my husband died.

The things that happened in the past really confuses things for me now. I almost feel like it would have been weird if he didn't turn abusive, just look at his childhood. No matter what happens, this stops here. The abuse will NOT continue on to my children. I won't allow it. I don't want my husband to be abusive, but it's his choice not mine. I wish I could have helped him avoid this, but I did everything I could think of. I just have to learn to deal with the fact that my loving him wasn't enough for him to want to change. He makes his decisions, and he will decide if he changes or if he doesn't. It is hard to be the victim in this, but yet want to help him. I want to take care of me and the girls, but I also feel like I should try to help him.

What a long does feel good to get it all out though. I am off to bed :)

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