Monday, October 20, 2008

Alive and kicking, despite it all.

Okay, I'll admit it...I ran away from my problems for a couple days. I went to visit my parents and left all the crap and headache here. Apparently it was so nice as to wait for me. When I got home I discovered my internet was shut off. Of course that was Saturday evening so I couldn't do anything about it Sunday. Today I went and paid the internet company and they turned it back on for me...though I have no idea for how long. I will be behind again at the beginning of next month, and it's not like my husband is giving me any money for bills...or food for that matter.

I have had a drastic change in attitude this past week. I went from missing my husband and hoping things worked out to wishing he met with an untimely accident. It is very evil of me to think about it, but honestly things would be much better for me right now if he got ran over and died. Chances are that he will not change, meaning he will spend the rest of his life miserable and abusive. I will always have to deal with him trying to interfere and messing with the children's lives. Plus, if he kicked the can, I would get $250,000.00 from his life insurance. It is terrible that I have actually wished for his demise, but it is difficult to feel compassion for a man who has basically abandoned his wife and children.

We have no money for anything. Okay, that's not true. I have about $150 in cash for food and diapers. Who knows when I'll be getting any more money, so that is what I have to try and live on. He puts something into the account, then he withdraws and causes overdrafts. Within one week he had overdrawn the account TWICE!!!! In one week, he managed to screw the finances over. I am a little confused why he needs over half of the money, but me and the two children can live on shit? I am really confused, but aren't they his children too? Perhaps he doesn't care if they starve?

My general attitude now is that he can fuck off and die for all I care, as long as he leaves me and the girls alone. I do not trust him, nor will I ever trust him. I would have to be stupid to trust him after everything that has happened. Going back and thinking about our marriage, I am pissed off that he would think it okay to treat me the way he has. I actually believed no man would ever want me, I actually started to believe that I was crazy and had no right or place in life. I think now that he would be hard pressed to prove to me that I am not worth something. I am not the smartest, or the most talented, or the sexiest woman on the face of this earth, but you know what? I sure as hell am not the stupidest, or the ugliest, or worthless. I have worth...every human being has worth solely because they exist. Being born is enough reason to be priceless and cherished.

I've been thinking about moving on...about how hard it will be, but how exciting it will be at the same time. I can't describe how liberating it feels to know that I could find someone who wouldn't push me away all the time, someone who really would love and value me for who I am. Men like that do's just trying to find one who is available. Ha, I think most women could attest to that being the hard part...dig through the shit until you find a diamond.

I finally got my late review submitted today. I had been so out of sorts for a while, and hadn't got it done. I had made up my mind to do it after I got back from my mini vacation, until I got home and found the internet turned off. At least that's done and over with now. Now to review the cock ring for which I have no cock to try it out on...I guess I'll just put what I can, and admit that I don't have a cock :(

I've made my list for a man I would consider marrying. It is long, I'll admit it. Heck I might as well put it on here.

The Man I Would Consent to Marry...

1) must be intelligent enough to carry a witty conversation and be able to understand my jokes.
2) must have a healthy self-esteem and be confident of himself
3) must be able to take care of himself and be able to make large and small decision responsibly
4) must be polite and respectful to others even if his viewpoint does not match theirs
5) must be passionate about life and be able to be optimistic in times of upheaval
6) must have a gentle and loving spirit
7) must place great value on the trust and respect that I bestow upon him
8) must be honest above all else, even if it causes conflict
9) must hold family in high regard and be very committed to a peaceful and loving home life
10) must not discourage my faith or beliefs
11) must allow me the satisfaction of pleasing him WITHOUT the fear of constant rejection
12) must be able to see the "big picture" and not focus on small disagreements
13) must be able to love and accept my girls without showing blatant favoritism for his biological children, whether or not those children are with me
14) must be supportive and uplifting to me in times of need
15) must not swear at me or raise his voice to me or call me names
16) must end a confrontation if I begin to cry or show signs of defeat or fear, realizing that no argument is worth causing permanent harm to the relationship
17) must not ignore me or walk away while I am talking
18) must not knowingly cause me pain, physical or emotional
19) must be fun to be around and be able to laugh openly and honestly
20) must value kind gestures over expensive gifts
21) must be able to trust me completely without holding back

That's all :P

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