Shitty days

These past couple days have been shit. There was one day where I felt really great. I was on top of the world with everything working well. The next day I take my 2 year-old to her exam...guess what? she has a heart murmur. The Dr. said it wasn't anything to worry about since there's nothing we can do for it right now anyway. She is to go back in 2 weeks for some tests to find out how bad it is. I also will be taking my other daughter in as well so they can both be tested for lead poisoning. My oldest daughter chews...on wood...this house was built in 1949...not good, really not good.

The other horrible thing that has happened was my oldest daughter ran out into the street. We live on a really busy one-way street, so our doors are kept locked all hours of the day and night. Both girls can open the deadbolt locks, so we installed flip locks near the top of the doors where they can not be reached. My daughter pulled a dining room chair through the living room to the front door. She used the chair to reach the flip lock, drug the chair back out of the way, opened the door, and ran out and stood in the street. Both girls had been asleep taking naps, and I was in the back yard trying to get some yard work done. I have baby monitors, but she was quiet enough that I didn't hear her leave her room. A stranger stopped and grabbed her out of the street and brought her back into the house (she had left the door wide open) and alerted me. If that man had not stopped and helped my daughter, she would probably be dead right now. I can not begin to express how hard I shook from fright when I learned what had happened.

I have been thinking and trying to rack my brain as to why she would run out of the house like she did. Things have been pretty upset and different since my husband was arrested. The girls ask about him some, but the oldest daughter is the one who always asks "Daddy at work?" "where Daddy?" I know she misses him, they both do. Hell, as mad as I get at him, I still miss him. Change is hard, especially when they are too young to be able to understand what is going on or why. I have explained it best I can, trying to be simple and reassure them whenever I think they need it. I simply told my oldest daughter that Daddy has some problems that he needs to fix, and because of those problems he can't live with us. I assured her that he still loves her and that this has nothing to do with them as it is his problem and only he is responsible for it. So with that being upsetting for her, she was also angry about not being outside. We had been out in the yard earlier and she kept trying to go outside of the fence. I warned her that if she opened the gate one more time that we would go inside. Well, she opened the gate and went outside the fence, so we went inside with her kicking and screaming the whole way. She was very angry at me, and I put her in her room for a nap. She screamed for awhile and finally fell asleep. Both girls were down for a nap and I had a lot of work to do, so I went back out and got started.

I have not slept very well since that day. I worry every time I go into the bathroom or go into the basement where I can't see her constantly. I will buy some padlocks and latch things to put on both doors on the inside so I can lock up at night so she can't get out. I will need to keep the key on me at all times, and think I may just wear it on a chain around my neck. The padlocks was a suggestion the pediatrician made, and I will do it as soon as I get enough cash to buy the stuff to do it with.

Finding out about my youngest girl's heart murmur coupled with my oldest daughter running out of the house and all the stress and worry from the separation has really fucked up my emotions. I did not sleep last night. I couldn't sleep so I finally just decided to stay up and watch tv until I passed out. I finally fell asleep after 6:00 am until the girls got up around 7:30 am. I didn't do anything today. I didn't clean, I didn't shower, I didn't cook, I didn't do anything. We had cold cereal and sandwiches to eat today. I was so depressed and blue that I just lay on the couch and cried most of the day. Again I am up late. It is nearly 2:30 am the next day, and I still feel like I can't sleep. I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, and it looks like it'll be the same story tonight.

I really need tomorrow to go well. I need to think of something fun to do, something uplifting and encouraging. Fuck...why does everything have to be so hard sometimes? I am ready for a good day again. Even if I don't sleep tonight, I will still go lie in bed and pretend to sleep. Maybe that will be more restful than sitting at the computer...ha ha, yeah right...