Monday, October 13, 2008

pluggin' away at life, one day at a time

It felt good to get that stuff off my chest last night. I thought I would sleep better, but I didn't. I still miss my husband. I am hoping this gets easier. Some nights it gets so hard, I think about calling him. I know I can't though. I just keep telling myself that calling him would only make things matter how worried I get about him or how badly I miss him.

It is difficult trying to put myself and the children first. I've been the only person my husband has really had to count on, and it feels so foreign to me to consider myself before him. I've excused a lot of the emotional abuse from him because of his past. I've always felt so bad for him, being cast aside by his own mother...I never thought he would threaten my life though. I feel like no matter how hard I tried to help him, he just slipped through my fingers. Maybe he will make the choice to get better on his own. I don't know, but I've got to take care of myself and the girls before I can worry about anybody else, even if he is the father of my children.

I braved the snow and went grocery shopping. I was sneaky and did it while my oldest girl was in school. Just the 2 year old went with me, so that made it easier. Then comes the fun task of figuring out bills...bleh. I don't have enough money to make even some of the bills. I am prioritizing the car payments and we can get the hell out of here if we have to. I still have to make up my list of all the bills, and figure out just how much debt there is. I am always the one who gets stuck with fixing the finances after he screws them all up. Geez, maybe I should go to college to be an accountant...if only I didn't hate it so much. lol

Anyways, I'd better stop stalling and get back to my day at a time, I just keep telling myself, one day at a time and I'll get through this.

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